by Del Howison
We have previously discussed the importance of the thrall in vampire culture. Taken literally, thrall means “to enslave.” That can be a physical or an intellectual enslavement. It can be a form of mind-control that forces someone to do the controller’s bidding, as illustrated in the relationship of the Count and Renfield in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. This is the ultimate submission: A vampire’s thrall is addicted to both the blood and the personality of the vampire, and through this addiction, the thrall relinquishes all control to their vampire. If you were to succumb to your vampire in this way, you would lose your ability to think for yourself, and would be almost entirely at your vampire’s bidding. But then, that may be what you desire.
Mind-reading, on the other hand, is a parapsychological ability wherein someone uses their mind to tap into your mind’s wavelengths and can understand what you are thinking. This is very, very rare. If you suspect your vampire is reading your thoughts, remember that mind-reading tricks are a dime a dozen. It is much more likely that you are being swindled or deluded than actually having your mind read.
In other words, no, a vampire cannot read minds. His or her seeming ability to do so stems from eons of experience in reading people and experiencing both human and vampire machinations.
Better Haunts & Gravestones: How to Make Your Home Hospitable
This is the true nature of home—it is the place of Peace; the shelter, not only from injury, but from all terror, doubt and division.
—John Ruskin
Home is more than shelter from the elements; it is a sanctuary. It is the womb in which we live, that place we have all been trying to crawl back into ever since we were born. It is the container of harmony and tranquility. It is where you can turn off and just be you, that person who has been zipped inside of your skin all day.
Now imagine that those hours have actually been decades. Imagine you’ve spent them on the run, always looking behind you or around every corner for trouble. You have created problems, and now you must run from them. To finally escape is to be home.
If you want to take your relationship to the next, more intimate, level, providing a safe, well-protected, sun-proofed haven for your mate goes a very long way toward establishing trust and a foundation for a long-term relationship. If your living area cannot accommodate this type of shelter, it is unlikely that your vampire will ever be able to spend the night. If you plan on eventually cohabitating with a vampire, these are all important points to consider. Moving in with a vampire is a very important step and is not something that should be taken lightly. His or her needs with regards to privacy and safety will not have to take precedence over your needs as a matter of survival.
* * * *
Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.
—Count Dracula, Dracula, Bram Stoker
* * * *
Your homes décor is of little importance. Be yourself. It does not matter if you fancy the rich colors and exotic feel of Moroccan decoration, or if your house is filled with Neofuturist clear acrylic furniture like a scene from Logan’s Run. If retro ‘70s avocado-green linoleum is your thing and there are pink flamingos in your yard, no problem. If it fits your tastes, keep it. To make your vampire comfortable in your home, there is no need to invest in or even re-create a coffin, paint the walls blood red, fill the candelabras with black tapers, drape the windows with heavy swaths of velvet, and have Berlioz’s Symphonie fantastique playing in the background—unless, of course, that’s your preferred aesthetic. Not all vampires have the same tastes, and no matter who you are attempting to cultivate a relationship with, human or vampire, you want them to love you for who you are and not something you are pretending to be. If you are comfortable with yourself, your companion will be comfortable with you.
* * * *
How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads, to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams.
—Lucy Westenra, Dracula, Bram Stoker
* * * *
Ensuring your vampire’s physical comfort of your vampire is fairly straightforward. If he or she is overnighting, you must be able to provide sanctuary from the ill effects of sunlight. During daylight hours, a vampire must rest in a room or other enclosure that is completely protected from any solar radiation, direct or indirect sunlight. It is best if this room can be locked from the inside to offer a stronger sense of security and soundproofed against the cacophony of everyday human daytime activities. No one wants to be woken from a dead sleep by a leaf blower or clanging trash truck. Security is of the utmost importance, especially considering a vampire’s relative vulnerability during these hours and the very valid concerns they have over personal safety after a millennium of persecution.
When younger vampires first wake, they are generally famished. Put aside your Mediterranean cookbooks when your mate is visiting, as the scent of garlic is offensive to vampires. It’s not injurious, but they do find it nauseating. It goes without saying: You do not want to make your mate queasy.
You can’t expect a vampire, especially one that is less than two or three hundred years old, to stick around after they wake. It’s nothing personal; their need for blood nourishment is simply more urgent than their elder brothers’ and sisters’, and they usually have the need to feed right away. Generally, vampires must consume approximately 7 percent of their body weight in blood roughly every 72 hours, and the older a vampire is, the longer they can exist without blood intake.
Synthetic blood is now coming on the market, and in time you may find it prudent to purchase some to keep in your house for vampire guests, but at the time of this writing, there are none that provide the nourishment or psychological satisfaction of fresh blood.
Your job is to make your abode hospitable for your vampire, that is, to make it warm, friendly, and comfortable. It needs to be a place where a deep breath and a heavy sigh signals the end of all the night’s travails before he ventures out again. He must leave and he must desire to come back. If you want him, it is your job to make him want to come back home to you.
The Lucy Westernra Predicament: What to Do if He’s Turning Your Friends
The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.
—Sir Francis Bacon
It is hard to not be a little concerned about the possibility that your mate will view your friends as either sources of sustenance or potential thralls. Too many rumors have surrounded vampires for ages. What if your mate decides to turn one of your friends? What does this mean? What do you do?
Betrayal. It is a harsh word, but the reality is that when it comes right down to it, if your vampire starts turning your friends and you could have prevented it from happening and did not, then you have betrayed them. To betray a loving friend can be second in pain and heartache only to forsaking a family member. You try to find ways to explain it. You try to rationalize and justify it by thinking of all the reasons that you are not to blame yourself for this despicable act. But your gut tells you the truth, no matter what your head says.
As we have discussed earlier in this book, a vampire’s needs are as complex as his or her relationships, and the inherent differences between Homo sapiens and Homo striga are sometimes difficult for a human to understand. We have illustrated many instances where it may be up to you, the human, to find common ground or make concessions. Unfortunately, the burden and challenge of flexibility and understanding often falls to the human half of a relationship. However, that does not mean that you always have to compromise or bend, especially on issues that are important to you. As a rule, civilized vampires would never entertain the idea of putting a human mate in the position of choosing their mates over their friends and family, but some vampires have little understanding or memory of human emotional responses.
In most cases, it is a huge sign of disrespect if your vampire mate feeds on your loved ones, and it is a dire breach of confidence if he or she makes them into thralls. T
his applies even if your friend or family member willingly becomes the vampire’s food or devoted servant. It is a matter of trust and consideration, and it is also an issue of shared intimacy.
If this issue arises in your relationship, the decision on what direction to take is entirely in your hands. First off, do your friends know that your new partner is a vampire? This is a big consideration, because if they do, they have the option of distancing themselves from the two of you. If they do not know, are they the type of people who can handle being told that a vampire has entered their social circle? If you cannot tell your friends about your vampire, then you are assuming all the risk, and it is up to you to come up with an alternate plan to get your significant other away from your friends. Even though they need to accept some responsibility if they know his true identity, it is never right to blame the victim.
We by no means take this subject lightly. It is a matter of life and death and must be addressed with the sobriety it requires. Be cautious, and keep your suspicions in check. Nothing turns someone off quite like unjust or unfounded accusations, so do not jump at shadows. If you are concerned that your mate may be preying on humans that are close to you, you need to start a dialogue. It is best if you discuss this delicate issue before it becomes a reality. Make it clear that your find it unacceptable that your friends or family would be prey.
It may all come down to the ultimate decision. Who is more important: your friends of many years or your new vampire? Do you have loyalties and where are they placed, or are they misplaced? It is, in all honesty, only a decision that you can make. Will you make the correct one? You may not even be able to turn to your best friend for advice. She may not be around anymore if she realizes you are dating a vampire. Does that matter to you or not?
* * * *
Beware of Jealousy
I had fallen for a vampire named Galina. She seemed so kind and gentle, and she was smarter, funnier, and more interesting than any other woman I had ever met. We got along great, and I felt comfortable enough to introduce her to my family very early on. They’re open-minded people, and I didn’t think it was a problem. Sure enough, she hit it off with my folks and with my brother, and they were very accepting of her nature. I wish I had been as unprejudiced as they were, or as unprejudiced as I thought I was.
I was spending more and more time Galina when my brother fell ill. At first, I thought my brother only a cold, but the illness lingered. He became paler and more listless, had no energy, was weak, irritable, and sweated all the time. I kept telling him he needed to go see a doctor, but he was stubborn, insisting it was mono or something like that, but I didn’t believe him. How many 27-year-old guys do you know who get mono?
As he grew sicker, I became more and more suspicious of Galina. I became convinced that she was bleeding him dry. I wanted to trust her, but how could I? She was a freakin’ vampire, and no matter how much I thought I loved her, nothing was going to change what she was. My brother’s illness persisted, and part of me kept telling myself that he would get better soon and that it was just a prolonged cold or something, or maybe it really was mono. But another part of me was becoming more and more certain that Galina was feeding on him
This voice in my head kept nagging at me, insisting that Galina was doing this, and one day I just blew up. I accused Galina of preying on my family, of betraying my trust, and of using all of us. She didn’t say anything at all, she didn’t try to argue with me or defend herself. She just stood there frozen for a moment, sneering at me, and then she left my apartment, smashing my living room window as she went.
A week after that confrontation, my brother was diagnosed with Addison’s disease, an adrenal disorder. I realized then that it wasn’t Galina’s fault. I had never bothered to talk to Galina about it or to look for any actual evidence that she was feeding on him. I just assumed that she was the cause of his sickness because of what she was.
Vulnerable, Not Victim: Showing Your Gentler Side
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability … To be alive is to be vulnerable.
—Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art
The word vulnerable showed up around the year 1600 and is derived from the Latin word vulnerabilis meaning “woundable.” As it has morphed with time, it has come to mean susceptible to being wounded or even more importantly, “wounded by criticism, temptation, or love.” To be a complete person within a relationship, one must be open, and that means you need to be vulnerable. When you’re dating a vampire, there are even more things to which you can be exposed, and even possible mind controls that you are unaware of but that you will be incapable of putting up a defense against.
There is a lot of trust required in a relationship, unless you create a superficial façade and pretend that you’re just having fun and nobody will really get hurt. Is that what you want? Do you want to spend your time pretending to have a relationship? We would assume not, as this is an awful lot of trouble to go through just to be with a vampire and not be serious about the two of you as a couple. Is he just a trophy vampire? Be careful, because if he is and gets wind of it, you may end up being the head on the plaque above his doorway.
Being vulnerable means being difficult to defend. But you do not go into a relationship to defend yourself. You go into a relationship to give yourself away. If you have second thoughts, if you have qualms about being in the relationship, then walk away! It’s not worth it. You can get hurt, and not just emotionally. Think long and hard about it. But if you are committed to this relationship, you must give yourself to him in order for him to relax enough to trust you. A true relationship is all about giving, and when both parties involved do that it, comes back to them one hundred fold.
Showing your gentler side does not mean you are weak. It means you are real. Weakness implies something or someone who is liable to collapse under stress. But as we have already informed you, a relationship with a vampire is not for the weak of heart. You need to be strong. You need to have fortitude. You need to have love, and you need to be open for this thing to work at all.
While some vampires may have some residual ideas regarding gender stereotypes that have remained imprinted from their time as humans, most vampires do believe in gender equality. In many ways, the conversion to Homo striga blurs gender lines. Both male and female vampires are equally strong, equally powerful, and parallel each other perfectly in the hunt. There is no glass ceiling among their kind, and positions of power within their society are not determined by whether a vampire is male or female. Any Victorian gentleman who was turned quickly found that his female peers were not the gentle, submissive shrinking violets he had come to expect, and if he were wise, he would not dare treat a female vampire as a second class citizen or risk peril of his life.
In many ways, your vampire is your peer, but in other areas, they simply eclipse the average human. It is difficult to not feel overwhelmed sometimes when interacting with a person who possesses significantly more physical power than you do and has untold additional years of life experience. A vampire may be of a conflicted mind regarding his or her relationship with a human. A humans fragility and naivety can be strong sources of attraction for a vampire, as are a humans earthiness and the connection they maintain with the stream of current society. However, these traits can also be liabilities, as far as a vampire is concerned.
A humans physical vulnerability and naivety can compel a vampire to feel as though they have been put in the position of protector. This storybook dynamic has appeal to those who value the “knight in shining armor” romance trope, and it can form the basis of a relationship right off the bat. Vampires can be just as nurturing as any other living creature, and being put in a position of protector and provider can help assuage any guilt the vampire feels with regard to their dietary needs. It can be refreshing to act as guardian instead of hunter for a time.
The
dramatic highs and lows of this sort of relationship are well-known, but these hierarchal connections are doomed to failure in the long run, especially if the human takes advantage of it. Fairy-tale romance wears off with the last throes of infatuation, and if you want a relationship to last, it has to be one of equals. Obviously, this is a challenge given the vampire’s inherent strengths, so it is important to show that you have something to bring to the table, and that you are not going to exploit the support that your vampire mate is capable of providing.
The question is, What do you have to offer? A vampire is extremely vulnerable during daylight hours. Can you provide a sense of safety and protection? Can you assist in taking care of the errands that must be done during the day? Your vampire may have difficulty acclimating to cultural shifts. Can you help your mate develop an understanding of changing times? Can you assist them in understanding human society, and, if he or she so desires, can you assist them in blending in with humans?
Provide a haven, establish trust, and be a true and loyal confidant for your vampire, and you will be well on your way to establishing a relationship of equality.
The Van Helsing Issue: What to Do When Your Friends Disapprove
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
—Mark Twain
Maybe you spent several of the past years squirreled away studying up on vampires. You surrounded yourself with your own created world and now live in the suffocating cocoon of your own exhaling. You have deemed yourself ready, and you began to frequent clubs, libraries, and other places where you may meet that vampire you’ve been fanaticizing about all this time. Then, whamo!, you meet one, and now you are dating. If this is your scenario, the odds are you don’t have a problem with your friends disapproving of your new relationship.
