Not About Love (This Love Book 2)

by Hilaria Alexander

  He shrugged and ruffled up the short hair on the back of his head with his hand, looking slightly bashful. “We have…it’s just…”

  “What?” I pressed.

  “I want you…all the time.” His honest confession turned my insides upside down, and in a moment, I was not in control of myself any more. Tears sprung from my eyes, and I swallowed a sob. My heart felt warm and heavy, and I suddenly felt lightheaded. I turned away from him because I didn’t want him to see me cry, but I sniffled and gave myself away.

  “Red,” he said in a playful tone. “Are you okay?” He placed his heavy, strong hand on my shoulder, and I gathered the courage to turn around.

  “I’m okay. Your words got to me, that’s all. Don’t forget that I’m an extremely emotional pregnant woman. When you say something nice, it’s bound to make me cry.”

  “Well, that’s a first,” he laughed.

  “I’m afraid it’s only the beginning. Pretty soon I won’t recognize myself any more. On top of looking like a whale, my hormones will have complete control of me—all thanks to your sperm!” I fake-punched him in the stomach, and he pulled me to him.

  His arms enveloped me, and he held me tight. With my face pressed against his chest, I listened to his heartbeat, and the disco inferno of emotions inside me began to settle down. I exhaled a cleansing breath.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Red. You’re beautiful. You were beautiful before and you’re beautiful now, carrying our child.”

  He tipped my chin up so I would look at him.

  “You don’t know how much I love the sight of your growing belly. It’s not that big right now, but I love to look at it and notice the subtle changes. The fact that you have life inside you, a life we created together? I don’t even know how to explain it…it drives me…wild. Wild with desire, for you. I want everything for you. I want everything with you.”

  Goodness. What was he saying? Was he saying what I thought he was?

  My eyes widened in shock, my lips begging for his. He had gotten me drunk—drunk on him, on his words—and I wanted to believe, but I didn’t want to be let down. I didn’t want to be heartbroken again. Still, we were having a kid together.

  We were kind of in it for life.

  He looked at me for a moment, his eyes full of emotion, and he kissed my lips softly. He broke off the kiss as soon as we heard Johan coming back from the freezer room.

  “All done. Your rat is safe with me,” my old friend said, laughing at his own joke.

  * * *

  Everything seemed to be going so smoothly…and then all of a sudden, it wasn’t.

  I didn’t understand how we could go from having such a blissful time to being in a state of constant tension.

  Well, I sort of knew why. The threats didn’t stop.

  Thankfully, I didn’t receive any more dead rats—or any other dead animals—but I did receive several anonymous letters. They were always very…colorful, though they weren’t handwritten; they were just printed out in giant fonts. Pity. The rat was more creative in comparison.

  I wanted to hide the letters from Boyd, but he had told Hedwig to open my mail and alert him of anything suspicious.

  So now I was trying to snatch the mail away from Hedwig. I wouldn’t always succeed, because my assistant turned out to be quite strong for the petite girl she was.

  I had to physically fight her, and I had no energy for that. The baby was sucking every bit of it out of me, and at some point I just gave up.

  That meant Boyd and I fought every single time I got a new anonymous letter. I was always up for an argument, especially if it ended up in make-up sex, but as the days went on and the letters kept coming, his patience started to wear thin.

  He had grown sick of my refusals. He wanted to go to the police.

  I had informed Nars about the letters, and he told me to just wait it out. We had found our witnesses, and we had proof Grant was innocent.

  He was confident it would all be over very soon.

  “She’s scared, Ally. She’s just trying to intimidate you,” Nars reassured me.

  I tried to explain it to Boyd that night while we were in bed, but he wouldn’t budge.

  “It’s not right, Ally. You need to safeguard yourself. It’s not just you now. I don’t want anything to happen to you or the baby, that’s why I’m so adamant about it.”

  “I know.”

  His hand rested on my belly, and I placed mine on top of his. I loved these moments between us, right after we’d lose ourselves in each other’s arms. It felt as if nothing could ever get better than this—me and him, skin to skin, and the life growing inside me. I was almost four months into my pregnancy and the nausea was getting better, but some days I was really queasy and felt all out of whack. I couldn’t wait to be done with the case so Boyd’s worries would ease up and I could go back to my “usual” drug charges.

  Unfortunately, moments like that one had become few and far between as the day of Grant’s hearing approached. Shane had gone back to the US after the initial hearing, and we kept in touch through emails and Skype sessions. Since our chats happened late at night because of our time zones, I would usually be up in my apartment and Boyd was often around. I could hear him grumble even if I went in another room. I knew he didn’t like Shane, and although I was secretly happy he was jealous, it was completely uncalled for.

  On top of dealing with Shane and Grant, I had to deal with his moody ass.

  He had gotten wind of some scandal that was about to break in New York involving one of his employees, Trey. He was the most popular instructor at the Manhattan location, but he’d gotten involved with the young wife of an older, high-profile businessman, and word had gotten around.

  They had been spotted all over New York, and there were pictures of her leaving his apartment. It was only a matter of time before Page Six or some other gossip outlet published the story. Trey had confessed what was going on to Aaron, the manager Boyd had left in charge, and Aaron wasn’t sure if firing Trey was the right thing to do.

  He was one of the best at his job. I could tell Boyd was torn.

  “I don’t know what to do, Ally. Should I just not worry at all and let the whole thing fade out in time? Is this actually going to hurt my business? My franchise? I worked too hard at it to let Trey ruin it all. Stupid shithead. I don’t know how many times I told him to keep his dick in his pants.” He ran a hand through his hair and mussed it up. The publicity from the scandal could either be really good for his business, or drag the gym’s name through a messy divorce.

  “Look,” I said, trying to reassure him. “Let’s be honest: gym instructors always have a hard time keeping their dicks in their pants. Some people are extremely professional, and others aren’t. He definitely shouldn’t have gotten involved with the hot, young wife of some rich old man, but now it all depends on the husband, really. If he wants her to pay, he might retaliate against your business.”

  He groaned. “I might have to go back soon. I need to figure this shit out before it blows up in my face.”

  “Of course.”

  “I don’t want to leave you. I wish you could come with me. I’ll leave after Grant’s hearing. When is that again?”

  “In two days.”

  * * *

  I felt a mix of nervousness and excitement as I approached court that day.

  Boyd insisted on accompanying me all the way to the justice building and left me with a searing kiss. Ever since the stupid rat, he’d gotten even more protective and attentive than usual; I couldn’t say I disliked that.

  “Break a leg,” he said, caressing my face.

  I smiled and tried to look as confident as I could, but I was a bit more frazzled than usual. My cases were usually so easy, so quick, and it felt very different working on a case like this one. Grant’s future was at stake. Nars and I had worked so hard to prove his innocence, and now it was time to get down and dirty.

  I liked what I normally did, but
I did wonder if I was missing out on the excitement of bringing bigger, more complicated cases to a courtroom.

  Even so, I knew deep inside I could never see myself transitioning to another area of law. My clients were relatively innocuous people who did something really stupid under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I never accepted a case if the potential client had a criminal record.

  This was different. I had only said yes to help Shane and Grant.

  I had worried so much for nothing. The hearing was a whirlwind, over in a matter of a couple hours. When we presented all the evidence and confuted the plaintiff’s testimonies, the judge took some time to deliberate and then dismissed the case, much to Ilse’s mother’s dismay. Our excitement was such that not even her cold stare could bring me down.

  We won! It’s over! Come meet me at The Flying Pig. Let’s celebrate.

  I didn’t hear back from Boyd; he hadn’t even read my text an hour after I sent it. I knew he was trying to get a flight to go back to New York, so I didn’t worry about it. Maybe he had gotten a flight and was packing for his trip.

  “It’s unfortunate that your overseas experience turned out to be such an ordeal. I hope in the future you’ll make better decisions,” I told Grant as we parted. He was going back to his apartment to pack everything and head back to the States with his brother.

  He nodded and looked truly remorseful. For a moment, I saw a glimpse of the sweet kid I used to know. “I know. Thank you for helping us, Ally. It was really nice of you. I hope we meet again, under better circumstances. I’ve learned my lesson and will never mess with any of that crap again.”

  “Good boy.” We hugged and said goodbye. Soon, Nars abandoned us, too. He said he had to go back to his office, so he shook Shane’s hand and then mine.

  “Het was prettig om met je samen te werken, Ally.”

  “It was nice working with you, too, Nars.”

  “Misschien kunnen we in de toekomst nogmaals samen werken?” he asked.

  “Sure,” I lied. I doubted I’d want to work on a criminal case again any time soon.

  “Thank you,” Shane said as soon as Nars left. He took my hand in his, startling me.

  I frowned. “You don’t need to thank me, Shane. I just did my job.”

  “No, you’re wrong. I do need to thank you. I need to thank you for being so gracious and taking the case, especially when I-I…I was so awful to you. I need to apologize, for everything.”

  “Shane…is this really necessary? I mean…what’s the point?”

  “Please, Ally. You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and apologize. I felt like such an idiot—no, idiot is not enough. I was a coward. God, Ally…I’ll never forgive myself for how I left.”

  Left? Did he mean how he disappeared?

  “Let’s not talk about the past, Shane. What good can come from that?”

  “No, let me say it…I’m a douchebag, Ally.” He gave my hand a squeeze, and I had to fight the instinct to laugh. He was a douchebag, he was right on point with that, but I didn’t need an apology.

  “Shane, no.” I didn’t want to hear it. It was too little, too late—ten years too late.

  “Please, let me. I need to apologize to you. I can’t believe I left you like that. I should’ve never listened to my family. I should have stayed with you in DC. I loved you.”

  I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to hold back all the words I wanted to unleash on him. If he’d loved me like he said, how could he have left me like that?

  “It’s true, I really did. My parents…they-they threatened to cut me off financially. They said Harvard Law was a better option for me, which, in a way, it was, but I didn’t have to leave you like that. I gave up on us too easily. I was a coward. I know it’s too late to say it, but I am sorry.”

  I didn’t want to be affected by his words, but his apology opened up that drawer full of heartbreak I had kept shut for years. It wasn’t just his apology that was undoing me; it was the sadness I felt for the old me, for the girl who gave up on love because it hurt too much. Tears ran down my cheeks, and I covered my mouth to stop the sob threatening to come out.

  “Ally.” Shane cupped my face and forced me to look at him. I frowned. “I hurt you. I’m sorry.” He wiped the tears from my face. I stared into his eyes and was transported to a time when he was all I knew, when he was my everything.

  “I don’t have feelings for you any more. Just to be clear,” I said, sniffling. “I haven’t for a long time.”

  “I know.”

  “You…you ruined me, Shane. When you left me like that…you broke my heart, and I turned into a cynical bitch. I pushed people away for years because I didn’t want to get hurt. I stopped believing in love.” I let out a sigh and then scoffed, realizing I was full-on crying in front of him. The man had turned me into a mess.

  “I’m so sorry, Ally. I should have never left you like that.”

  “Yeah, you shouldn’t have.” I looked down at his hand still cupping my face. It made me feel uncomfortable, and at the same time, I felt a sense of longing.

  “But you’re doing good now, aren’t you? And you’re with the bearded hipster, right? He doesn’t like me much.”

  At the mention of Boyd, I laughed. “His name is Boyd. You’re right, he does not like you. He didn’t want me to keep working on this case.”

  “You’re pregnant with his child, aren’t you?”

  I stared at him, confused. I had never mentioned my pregnancy to him or Nars.

  “How…?”

  “You never had a drink when we ate together, and you’re wearing this.” He pointed at my acupressure wristband. “My wife had to wear that during her second pregnancy. She was throwing up every day. How far along are you?”

  “About four months.”

  “Are you excited?” he asked with a smile.

  “Scared.” I laughed.

  “You’ll be a great mom.”

  “Thanks.” I looked down at my hands on the table and smiled. He took my hands in his own and that was when I looked outside the bar. I saw Boyd staring at us through the window, just a few feet away.

  Crap.

  “Boyd!” I yelled as I disentangled myself from Shane’s hold.

  Our eyes met for a second, and then he was gone. Shit. Shane and I had been holding hands, and he had been cupping my face until a minute ago. It looked bad, even if it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t a rekindling of any kind, just me getting some closure after so many years, but I knew Boyd well enough to fear that his impulsiveness had gotten the best of him. He wasn’t seeing things clearly. I had to talk to him.

  I made my way out to the street as fast as I could, but he was already several feet ahead of me. I kept following him, calling his name, but lost him in the colorful crowd of the Bloemenmarkt, Amsterdam’s floating flower market.

  I called his cell phone, but he didn’t pick up. I headed home, hoping to see him there, but Hedwig told me she hadn’t seen him all morning.

  In the meantime, Shane had called twice and sent a text message.

  Knock it off, Shane.

  Heading to the airport. Hope everything is okay with the hipster.

  Not quite. Things were not okay, and I wished he would stop calling him that. He might have looked like a hipster, but that was an empty word when used to describe Boyd.

  He was so much more than that.

  He had a beautiful soul. He was a hard worker. He was a doer. He cared about his family and friends. He had changed his life around for our baby.

  He was funny and sexy, and he made me happy in so many ways.

  The warm ache spreading through my chest forced me to admit I cared for him.

  I love him.

  I let out a sigh. Shit. I was in love with him. Sure, we were having a baby, but I hadn’t expected to fall for him…at least not so soon. We had only been living together for a couple months. We weren’t a real couple. We weren’t in love.

  Well, I was p
retty sure he didn’t love me, especially not now that he’d just caught me all cozy with my ex-boyfriend.

  God, it was all so stupid.

  It was just a stupid misunderstanding, but I had seen the look in his eyes and I knew…I knew he was suspecting the worst. I needed to talk to him and explain. I called him again, but he didn’t answer. I called the pancake house and asked Helga to let me know if he showed up there.

  I texted him a few times, trying to explain. He read my messages, but never replied. I called him again but he didn’t answer.

  Fuck this.

  My frustration became anger. I wasn’t going to play some stupid cat and mouse game with him. I was going to talk to him whenever he decided to act like a grown up and pick up my calls. I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to get off his high horse. I packed my bag and went to my prenatal yoga class.

  * * *

  When I got back, I found him stretched out across the kitchen island. Next to him were a bottle of whiskey and an empty glass.

  He was snoring.

  I almost wanted to laugh—almost.

  I touched his bicep gently, trying to wake him up.

  Stupid metrosexual mountain man.

  He stirred, and when his eyes opened, he smiled at me.

  I smiled back, hoping maybe the alcohol or my texts had washed away the whole incident. For a second, I believed everything was going to be okay.

  It wasn’t.

  “There she is. There’s my baby mama,” he slurred. Oh, man. He was super drunk.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “I’m…p-perfect.” He stretched his arms out and gave me a sardonic smile. I winced.

  “Boyd…you know nothing happened between me and Shane, right? You just caught us at a bad time, and you probably misunderstood. I tried to come after you. I called you. I was going to explain—”

  “Sure you were,” he mocked me. “I saw the two of you together, all cozy. Do you think I’m blind, Red? Or stupid?” His eyes widened, and he stood up a little too quickly for his inebriated state. He lost his footing but quickly recovered, grabbing the edge of the kitchen island. He tried to straighten himself up, slowly, and I tried to help him, but he pushed me away.