The Rules of You and Me

by Shana Norris

  Jude opened the door to a room and stepped inside. He didn’t turn on the light, so only dim sunshine filtered through the dark curtains. It was a small blue room and the bed took up most of the space. It was made, the pillows aligned just right at the top and the hospital corners marking the end of the mattress. Unlike the rest of the house, the room was clean, everything in its place.

  “I like to keep it clean. I try with the rest of the house, but my mom…” He shrugged. “She’s not exactly the neatest person in the world.”

  I felt him step closer as my eyes scanned the room, looking for signs of the person I knew. It was pretty empty. A few books sat on a table, and his deodorant and cologne on the dresser. But other than that, there was nothing personal about it.

  “Where is all your stuff?” I asked. My room was filled with awards and pictures. Evidence of the life I had led up until now.

  “I threw out a lot of things in the days after Liam died,” Jude told me. “Nothing seemed important anymore.”

  He pointed to the door across the hall, which was closed. “That’s Liam’s room. It’s just like he left it the last time he was here, a few weeks before he deployed. It’s a disaster area.” Jude laughed. “Liam got that from my mom. They always told me I was the weird neat freak of the family.”

  I slipped my arm around his waist, leaning my head against his shoulder. “Do you realize that’s the first thing you’ve told me that makes you different from your brother?”

  Jude tensed against me for a moment, then relaxed. “I guess it is. I never could be as messy as he was. It drove me crazy. My cleaning drove him crazy too.”

  “See? You’re really not your brother, Jude. You don’t have to live in his shadow or try to be like he was.”

  He let out a long breath, like he was letting go of something he’d been holding onto for a long time. “I know.”

  Jude’s arm slipped around me and he pulled me into him. I pressed my ear against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. His fingers trailed up and down my arms, making me shiver at the tingles his touch spread over my skin.

  I let Jude ease me down onto the bed. He moved over me, his lips pressing into mine. I closed my eyes, blocking out all thoughts of his house and my mom and the rules. The Hannah I wanted to be could do anything she wanted, and this moment, all I wanted was to be here with Jude.

  My fingers slipped under the edge of his T-shirt and Jude raised up enough to pull it over his head, tossing the shirt aside. His skin felt like fire under my touch. I had never been this close to anyone, not even with Zac. It excited and terrified me at the same time. I wrapped my arms tight around Jude’s neck, squeezing my eyes shut to keep out any unwanted thoughts.

  Jude’s fingers trailed over my skin, following the line of my ribs under my shirt. His hand slipped behind me and my bra fell loose around my shoulders.

  I kissed Jude harder, pressing myself against him.

  In the other part of the house, a thump sounded and then a door slammed shut. Another thump was followed by a curse.

  Jude tensed, disentangling himself from me. “My mom,” he said.

  I sat up, running a hand over my hair to smooth it down. “Will she be mad that I’m here?”

  He shook his head. “I doubt she’ll even notice.” He grabbed his shirt off the floor and then pulled it back on.

  I turned away, reaching behind me to rehook my bra under my shirt. It hit me how far we’d been, how far we may have gone.

  He took my hand and led me back to the kitchen. Despite Jude’s words, a ball of nerves formed in my stomach and I held my breath as we entered the room.

  A woman stood at the refrigerator, leaning on the open door. She examined the contents for a moment, then slammed the door shut, muttering to herself. She turned, stumbling a bit and reached out to catch her balance on the counter.

  “What are you doing home?” Jude asked.

  The woman’s head snapped toward him, her face scrunched into a scowl. I could see the glassiness in her eyes and the redness that rimmed them.

  “My boss is a jackass,” the woman slurred.

  I knew that tone. I knew the lazy tongue that mangled the words, the giggle as she swayed again and almost lost her balance. I knew the smell that stung my nose as it filled the room around us. Icy tendrils spread through me and my teeth chattered.

  “You got fired again, didn’t you?”

  The woman laughed. “He only thinks he fired me. I quit. I don’t want to work for a jack—”

  “So what?” Jude asked, crossing his arms. “You thought you’d spend the last bit of your paycheck at the bar?”

  “I was out with my friends.”

  “What about the water bill, Mom?” Jude asked through clenched teeth. “What about the electricity? Did you happen to think that we might need that money you were drinking away?”

  “Sorry, Dad,” the woman said as she fell into a chair at the small table. She spotted me over his shoulder and squinted. “Whozzat?”

  “My friend,” Jude said.

  Mrs. Westmore raised her eyebrows, pointing a finger at Jude. “I know what you’re doing. You expected me to be at work so you’d know when to sneak your girlfriend in here. This is my house, Jude. Don’t bring your little sluts in here—”

  Jude flew across the room, hovering over his mother. I flinched, but Jude only stood there, glaring down at her.

  “Apologize,” he said.

  Mrs. Westmore sneered at him. “You’re the one who should apologize. Look at you. Liam would be ashamed.”

  Jude’s face paled and his jaw twitched. His fists clenched at his sides, but he still only continued to stare at the woman seated at the table. She fumbled in her pocket until she found a crushed pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, pinching it between her cracked lips.

  “What’d you tell her to get her here?” Mrs. Westmore’s eyes darted as she tried to focus on us. “That you love her?” She snorted and then flicked her lighter, but the flame wouldn’t stay long enough for her to light the cigarette. “You’re no better than your father. Everyone wants something until they get it, and then they don’t care anymore.”

  Everyone wants something. The same words, in my father’s voice. Don’t let anyone have the upper hand.

  Jude’s shoulders shook a little, but he took a deep breath. “Come on, Hannah.”

  I hesitated as I looked at Jude’s outstretched hand. The chattering in my teeth had turned into trembling in my shoulders. The fire and electricity inside me had been replaced by ice as I looked at Mrs. Westmore, swaying a little in her chair. Her eyes were too glassy and vacant to look right at me, but I felt like she could see through me. Like she could see the taint of my parents on me, the touch of Jude’s hands on my body, every secret I tried to hide was there in the open for her take in.

  Jude slipped his hand into mine, squeezing it tight as if he needed to hold onto me. When we reached the door, he stopped and looked back at his mom.

  “I’m not the only one Liam would be ashamed of,” he told her.

  Outside, we returned to the real world. Cigarette smoke burned my lungs along with the crashing waves of shame.

  Never lose control. Maintain the image of perfection. If reality isn’t the way you want it to be, create your own. My mom had had it right all along. The old rules weren’t just for her, they were to keep me from getting myself into situations just like this.

  “I’ll take you home,” Jude said, starting down the steps.

  But I pulled my hand from his, my entire body trembling. What was I doing here? I didn’t belong with Jude. I had told him too many secrets, let him in too close. I had let my guard down when I had sworn long ago to never trust someone like that again. I had to get back in control.

  “Hannah?” Jude asked, his face still flushed and his lips red. “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “We can’t…I can’t do this.”

  “Hannah.” Jude reached for me, but I jumped back, holding
my hands up as a barrier between us.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t stand to see the hurt and confusion I knew would be in his gray eyes. “I need to go home now.”

  I hurried down the steps, back to solid ground as quickly as I could, hoping that my trembling legs could carry me the few blocks back to Aunt Lydia’s.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The familiar ringtone started up again and my phone buzzed across the counter. I stared at it, but I didn’t move to answer. It would stop after a few seconds, I knew. It had after the last ten calls I’d gotten that afternoon. I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see his name on the caller ID.

  But every time I closed my eyes, I remembered the taste of his lips on mine and the smell of his skin pressed close to me. I remembered the way his hands on my back made me shiver and the way I still even now tingled at the thought of him.

  I opened my eyes, forcing the memory out of my head. Jude and I didn’t belong together. Mom and Dad would never like him. I’d go back to Willowbrook at the end of the summer and he’d stay here in Asheville. We had different lives, different expectations. There was no reason to pretend that this could be anything other than a temporary infatuation.

  Control. I needed to get back in control of myself.

  “Hannah?”

  I jumped at the sound of Aunt Lydia’s voice behind me. She had been up in her studio and I hadn’t heard her come back down. Wisps of hair fell from her messy bun and a smudge of red paint dotted her chin.

  “Are you going to answer that?” She nodded toward the phone that still buzzed across the counter.

  I looked at it, but the ringtone finally died and the phone fell silent again.

  “I thought maybe you had left and forgotten your phone here,” Aunt Lydia explained as she sat down in the barstool next to me. “I could hear it ringing up in the attic.”

  “Sorry.” I pulled my knees closer to my chest, hugging my arms around them. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

  Aunt Lydia shook her head. “It’s okay. I wasn’t getting much work done anyway.” She sighed, then looked back at my phone. “So, may I ask whose calls you’re not answering? Your mom’s?”

  “No.” I rested my chin on my knees and frowned. “Jude’s.”

  Aunt Lydia raised her eyebrows, but didn’t say anything. Outside, birds chirped from the trees around the house, their song filtering in through the open window over the sink. Everything seemed normal, but inside I was a mess.

  After a moment, Aunt Lydia stood. “I feel like having some ice cream.” She pulled a carton from the freezer and then two spoons from a drawer. She sat back down and positioned the carton on the table between us. Moose Tracks. Aunt Lydia and I used to always eat Moose Tracks ice cream whenever I stayed at her house back in Willowbrook. We’d set up sleeping bags on the living room floor, watch funny movies, and eat a whole carton of ice cream.

  I picked up a spoon and scooped up some ice cream.

  “It’s been a long time since we’ve done this,” Aunt Lydia said.

  I swallowed the ice cream, licking chocolate off the spoon. “Do you ever miss Willowbrook?” I asked.

  Aunt Lydia ran her spoon around the edge of the carton. She always did that because she said that was where the best ice cream was, the parts where it softened first.

  “I miss you,” she said, looking up at me. “I miss your mom. Not the person she is now, but the person she used to be, in those moments when she stopped trying to be perfect. I miss this.” She gestured between us with her spoon.

  I took another bite of ice cream, letting it melt in my mouth before swallowing. “Why did you leave? You moved so suddenly. What happened?”

  “Sometimes you have to get away to find what you really want,” Aunt Lydia said. She put a hand over mine. “It has nothing to do with you, I promise. It’s me. I thought a change of scenery would be good for me.”

  “Was it?” I asked.

  Aunt Lydia sighed. “I don’t know.”

  My phone lit up again, the ringtone echoing throughout the room. We both stared at it. There was Jude’s name, in big letters across the screen.

  “Did he do anything to hurt you?” Aunt Lydia asked.

  I shook my head. It wasn’t Jude, it was my own fault for letting things go too far. I needed to stay away from him for a little while and sort out all the thoughts in my head.

  “Do I need to call the police or your parents about anything?”

  Again, I shook my head.

  “Okay,” Aunt Lydia said. “Then let me give you some advice based on what I’ve learned over the years. Sometimes you have to face your problem head on and deal with it.”

  I sighed as I scooped up a big spoonful of ice cream. “I’m not ready to deal with it.”

  “Sooner or later, you have to answer the phone.” Aunt Lydia tilted her head. “Aren’t you and Jude meeting Ashton for the fireworks tonight?”

  I groaned and dropped my head onto my hands. “I forgot about that.”

  The phone continued to chime for another minute, until it fell silent once again. I’d have to change my ringtone soon. Hearing the same sound over and over was making me hate it.

  “Well,” Aunt Lydia said, “maybe you can think about that later. Right now, we need to eat this ice cream.”

  I sat up and gave her a grateful smile. “That sounds like a good idea.”

  #

  “Where’s Jude?”

  I slid into Ashton’s passenger seat and buckled the seat belt in place before answering. “I don’t know. Looks like it’s just me tonight. Sorry.”

  I felt Ashton looking at me, but I didn’t meet her gaze. I had called and asked her to pick me up a little early. Jude had given up calling, but I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t try to come by the house. I figured if he saw my car in the driveway, he’d think I was still home and wouldn’t go out to look for me at the park where we’d planned to meet Ashton and the others.

  “Everything okay?” Ashton asked as she pulled away from the curb.

  I nodded. “It’s fine. We just decided to do our own things tonight.”

  Ashton reached over and changed the radio station as we left Aunt Lydia’s neighborhood. I sat back and tried not to think about Jude. I felt like one of those dumb girls who bounced from one relationship to the next without taking a moment to just breathe. I wasn’t like that. I didn’t need a boyfriend to make myself feel validated. Honestly, having one was much more trouble than being single. This summer was about taking a chance to relax.

  The city of Asheville made it almost impossible to think too much about my own problems. There was an old brick tunnel that we drove through and then the brown city opened up before us, rising from the lush green valley like it had always been there, a natural part of the mountain view. I smiled as I took in the sight. How often did I sit and look at things without thinking about what I needed to do next?

  The park was already full of people when we arrived. Families sat together on blankets and couples walked hand in hand as they waited for the fireworks show to start. A band played on a stage on one side of the park, where some people sat listening while others danced around them. Kate and Carter were already there, sitting on a low stone wall.

  “Hey,” Kate said. “Where’s Jude?”

  I shrugged. “He’s not coming tonight.”

  Kate frowned. “Why not?”

  “Why is everyone so concerned about Jude?” I snapped.

  Kate flinched. “Sorry.”

  I shook my head and looked down at my feet. The old Hannah would have snapped back without feeling remorse, but now I felt terrible for getting annoyed with her. “He has other plans,” I said. “That’s all.”

  “That’s okay,” Carter said. “I don’t mind being the only guy with three hot chicks.” He slung his arm over Ashton’s shoulder and grinned.

  It was obvious he liked her. And if he couldn’t tell that she liked him from the way her entire face turned
red at his comment, he had to be an idiot. I didn’t understand what was keeping them back. Why couldn’t they just admit how they felt and move on to the next step before they let things get weird?

  Music pumped all around us. Vendors sold lemonade and hot dogs, and so we stopped to get some. Grease filled my mouth as I bit into my hot dog. It definitely wasn’t the organic kind my mom always bought, and most certainly not kosher. But I loved it anyway.

  Kate had brought a blanket that she spread out on an available space of grass on a hill. We sat down, with Carter sitting close to Ashton.

  “What’s your favorite fireworks show ever?” Ashton asked.

  “Oh,” Kate said, her eyes wide. “The one they did when we were in fifth grade. Remember that? All the different shapes and colors. It was awesome.”

  “That was a good one,” Ashton said.

  “I liked last year’s,” Carter said. “The best ones are the loudest. They echoed all through the mountains.”

  “What about you?” Ashton asked, turning to me.

  I thought back over the fireworks shows I had seen. New Year’s in London. Fourth of July in New York.

  “When I was eight, my friends Avery and Elliott and I camped out in my backyard on the Fourth of July,” I said. “We didn’t even want to go to the mall to watch the fireworks with everyone else, we just wanted to stay home in our tent. So we made s’mores in the microwave and played outside all afternoon. Funny thing is, we ended up falling asleep in the tent before the fireworks started. We were all startled awake when the first one exploded in the sky.” I laughed. “I’ve never seen Elliott look so freaked out.”

  The others laughed with me. I had forgotten all about that memory until then. It made me sad to think about that and the fact that the three of us barely spoke to each other now.

  “Hannah,” a voice startled me out of my thoughts.

  Jude stood over me, his eyes narrowed and his mouth set in a firm line.

  I swallowed. “What are you doing here?”

  He waved a hand. “It’s a public park.”

  I turned away from him. “I don’t want to talk right now, Jude.”