by Linda Ford
Gathering together her courage, her faith and determination, she stepped outdoors and glanced around wondering where she could find Burke. She’d kept close watch to see if he rode out of the yard and had not seen him but perhaps he’d escaped her notice. She chuckled. He’d have to be invisible for her to miss him. She hadn’t taken her gaze from the window for more than a fleeting second or two since he walked out the door after breakfast.
Burke had gone into the barn, left again with Mama cat meowing at his heels. She’d smiled as he bent and petted the cat. She saw his mouth moving and knew he talked to the animal. Burke was a man strong enough, determined and tough enough to challenge this new land—a land he confessed was unfriendly to most, yet gentle enough to pay an old cat attention and to hold a sad little girl close.
And perhaps to forgive a young woman for her sinfulness.
She bound that hope about her heart and stood listening for anything to indicate his presence. A sound drew her attention and she smiled. Burke whistling as he worked. She headed toward the sound and found him leaning against the handle of a pitchfork, staring into the distance like a man studying his world, planning how to conquer it.
He turned at her approach and smiled, a tentativeness about his eyes. “Hi.” Perhaps he expected her to announce she and Pa were leaving to return to their plans…plans that included Ted.
She faltered. What would his response be when she informed him Ted was no longer a part of her plans? Her heart headed for the bottom again at the thought of what else she must tell him.
“Did you need something?”
“Can we talk?”
He hesitated. Caution filled his eyes and then he masked all expression. “Certainly. Want to sit?” He waved toward the wall of the barn and waited for her to arrange herself on the grassy area, her back pressed to the rough boards, then he sat next to her, his legs stretched out before him. He took off his hat, laid it in his lap and tipped his head against the barn.
For a moment neither of them spoke.
She closed her eyes and let the sun warm her. Prayed for guidance and strength.
“What can I do for you?” he prodded.
She sucked in the warm air, filling her lungs endlessly. Still she felt breathless. “You’ve accused me of letting my father plan my life.”
“It’s none of my business.”
She hoped he’d change his mind about that. “You were right. I—” She’d rehearsed this speech but now couldn’t think how to start it. “I thought I had to. Not only because I thought I should obey my parents but because going my own way led me into a pack of trouble.”
He shifted slightly, turning so he could watch her as she spoke. Unable to face him, she ducked her head.
“I can see you getting yourself into predicaments.” The amusement in his voice caused her to jerk her gaze to his face. She clung to the way his eyes softened as he smiled. “Seems to me you’ve been heedless of the dangers a few times in our short acquaintance.”
“I have not.”
“Ebony?”
“I didn’t know that was a danger.”
“Never crossed your mind. That’s what I mean. You don’t even acknowledge risks.” He said it like it was something she should be proud of.
“That’s why I try to always think what Ma or Pa would advise before I act. You see…” She tightened her fists and forced herself to go on. “I learned a very difficult lesson about the folly of not listening.”
He nodded, his gaze intent, demanding, waiting.
She ducked her head again and tried to remember how she planned to tell this sordid tale. “I was fifteen when I learned the hard way why I should heed my parents in all things.” Almost four years ago and still she fought to make the lesson stick. “I want to tell you about it.” To see if he could stand to look at her after her story. “The circus had come to town. Ma and Pa promised to take us the next day but I wanted to see the animals unloaded, the tents put up. I wanted to experience the excitement.” Her voice fell to a whisper and for the life of her, she couldn’t make it any stronger. “Pa warned me to stay away. Said it was a rough place.” She cleared her throat and forced herself to go on. “I disobeyed him and went with some of my classmates.”
It had seemed so exciting. They’d laughed as they met away from their homes. The boys pushed each other and roughhoused. She and the other girl giggled and raced after them.
“At first it was fun. To see the tents staked into place and then lifted. They used an elephant to help raise the big top.” She’d stared open-mouthed at the lumbering grace of the huge animal and the way it responded to the handler. “We toured the place. Saw the caged lions. Listened to the funny way the people spoke to each other. They seemed to have a language all their own. We watched the booths being set up. It was so exciting.” She shuddered.
He touched her hands. She didn’t realize how she twisted them until he claimed them and stilled them. “But it didn’t end up exciting? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“I’m trying to, yes. You see I was so fascinated with the elephant. I said I wanted to see it again. I marched back thinking everyone followed me. The animal was standing with a chain around one leg and munching on hay. Did you know they pick up their food with their trunk and then tuck it into their mouths?”
He squeezed her hands. “Never thought much about it.”
“I couldn’t tear myself away. I wanted so bad to touch the animal but I didn’t dare.” She tried to swallow but her throat wouldn’t work. She opened her mouth and sucked hard at the still, waiting air. “The handler noticed my interest. ‘Want to touch me beastie?’ He was a big man with a red beard, and eyes that seemed to see right through me. I knew I should say no but I could not. My foolish desire to experience everything, you know. I giggled and said I would. ‘Give me your hand and stay close to me.’ I only hesitated a moment. Then I let him pull me forward. ‘Sheba, meet a new friend,’ he crooned and the elephant lifted its trunk and reached for me. It was like touching a snake. Only warm.” She gasped for air and forced herself to calm down.
“I looked back to tell my friends and that’s when I realized I was alone. They hadn’t followed. And that’s when the man jerked me around and—” She tried to keep her voice steady. “He pulled me against him and touched me—” Her cheeks felt about to melt off her face at her revulsion at the way he had touched forbidden places. “He said he could show me things a lot more exciting than an old elephant. I tried to pull away but he laughed—an awful sound.”
She clamped her hands over her ears as if she could somehow block the memory from her mind.
“He forced me into a little tent. I tried to get away.” The words came out in hot gasps. “He only laughed again. Wouldn’t stop laughing. He—” She clutched at the material of her dress at her neck and twisted. “He grabbed my dress and tore it.”
She wrapped her arms across her chest. “He touched me.”
Her skin felt cold and clammy. He’d pushed her backward. “He had a cot in the corner.” The cold metal of the frame had pressed into her calves. Hard, unforgiving, icy like winter iron. Press your tongue to it and stick. She couldn’t get away. His huge body blocked her escape. His hands were everywhere. She couldn’t get warm and vibrated with the chill that burrowed into the marrow of her bones and encased her heart. Her lungs cried for air but there was none. Only a contrast of hot and cold, fear and coarse laughter. She tried to squirm away. Fought like a cornered animal. Scratched. He caught her hands and laughed.
Trapped her.
Her teeth rattled as fear and loathing and remembrance sucked at her until she felt nothing else.
“Jenny?” He touched her shoulder. Gentle.
She shrank back.
“Jenny. I won’t hurt you. Ever.”
Not the growling sneer of the man. Burke. His voice soft, kind.
“Jenny. It’s okay. Whatever happened, it’s okay.” He edged closer and took her hand.
Her fingers
remained stiff and unyielding in his grasp. She couldn’t respond to his touch. But she couldn’t pull away either. God help her but she needed to feel a connection with him. For years she had shut her heart to feeling anything but determination to obey.
“I haven’t finished my story.” Her words shook as badly as she did.
“You don’t need to.”
“I do.” He must hear it all and then decide for himself who she was.
“He had to release me to reach for his trousers. It was all I needed. I escaped and raced for the flap and right into Pa’s arms. He had come looking for me. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me and made me wait outside. I don’t know what he said. All I know is the sheriff arrested the man and he was sent to jail.”
“And you ended up afraid of doing anything risky. Afraid to make a decision apart from your parents.”
She nodded. It was true. She feared her own thoughts and actions.
He slipped his arm across her shoulders and pressed her close. She didn’t realize how badly she shook until he held her against him, catching the vibrations of her body in his grasp and calming them.
Burke fought an urge to stand up and bellow an angry protest. He hoped the man suffered his just deserts in some rotten jail cell. Only her quick thinking had prevented her from being violated in the worst possible way. The disgusting actions of the man had nevertheless violated her in other ways. Filled her with shame. Quenched her bold spirit. Made her see it as a bad thing.
He held her close, careful not to do anything that would make her feel threatened, absorbing her shudders into his own body.
“So you see why I have felt I should let Pa decide my future.”
Actually, he didn’t but how was he to explain that to her? Her trauma was real, as were her fears about making another mistake. “You were a foolish child. You are now a responsible, wiser adult. Even so, foolish child or not, you were not responsible for how that man acted. Don’t you think it’s time to stop blaming yourself?”
She grew still as if considering his words.
This was one time he needed God’s help. And felt sure he could ask for and receive it. Lord God, you see her injured spirit. Heal it. And if I can say anything to help, please give me the words.
“What I see is a child of fifteen, excited, naturally enough, about a circus, and an evil man who did wrong. And now I see a young woman who is adventuresome and eager, trying to deny those God-given attributes.”
“God-given? Do you really think so?”
He chuckled. “Are you not the one who taught me God is interested in the details of our lives? That He not only sees the big things but the little? Now I’m not saying you’re unimportant, but if small details and big events are equal in His scheme of things, would you not then accept that He who made the world and everything in it and declared it good, does not think the same about you? Does He not declare His work good?”
She shifted so she could look into his face without leaving his embrace. “Burke, you really believe that?”
He smiled down at her, loving her like he never thought possible. “Don’t you?” Thank you God for giving me words that help.
“For everyone else. Not for me. Though I am getting closer. Yesterday I finally acknowledged that perhaps God made no mistake in how He made me.”
She met his eyes openly as if inviting him to see her wholly, completely, with no secrets between them. He searched past the places he’d been before, wondering what this meant.
She pushed away, slipped from under his arm and shifted around to face him squarely.
He ached a protest, feeling more than her physical withdrawal.
“What do you think of Miss Morgan as a nanny?”
Her question caught him by surprise. When had anything about their discussion been about a nanny? “She’ll do. Why? Do you have some concerns?”
“No. She seems adequate.”
“But?”
She pulled in air hard enough to flutter his hair. “It’s just…” She ducked her head and didn’t finish.
He caught her chin and lifted her head. For a moment she kept her eyelids lowered, then realizing his patient waiting, slowly opened her eyes and met his gaze. His heart leapt for his throat at the hungry longing he saw. “It’s just what?”
“Well—” She lowered her gaze then jerked it up and watched him with a demanding expression. “I wondered if I might reconsider and ask for the position of nanny.” Her words came out in a rush and she stared, eager and excited as she waited for his response.
He dropped his finger, sat back against the barn wall.
She looked disappointed. “Of course, if that doesn’t suit you….”
It didn’t suit. He didn’t want her as a nanny. He wanted more. So much more. But first he must talk to her father. “Have you mentioned this to your pa?”
“Not yet. I thought I’d see what you thought first.”
“Seems he’s rather set on you returning with him.”
“I know.” She sounded so disheartened. “I guess you can understand his concern.”
His insides rebelled at the defeat in his voice. “No, I’m afraid I don’t. What does he have to be concerned about?” He leaned close, wanting to make this very clear. “Jenny, you are a strong young woman. One of the few I feel with certainty who could face this rough land and survive.” She soaked up his words, drank of the assurance he offered. He leaned closer and gently kissed her. Rejoiced when she didn’t jerk away in fright. He lingered only a second, despite the demands of his heart. “I’ll speak to your pa.”
“I’ll speak to him, too.”
He wanted to linger, enjoy this quiet connection they had so recently reached, but someone called from the barn and her pa answered. It was time to get on with the pressing issues of life.
Jenny crossed the yard. Her heart felt scrubbed inside and out. Burke hadn’t shrunk away from her. He’d pulled her close and held her. Always she had felt a little dirty, soiled by what happened. Her parents had forbidden it to be mentioned. Not that she ever wanted to talk about it. But telling Burke had left her feeling cleansed and whole. Thank you, God.
Pa sat on the veranda watching her approach.
Her steps slowed at the way he looked. Had she done something wrong? Besides disobey his instruction not to speak of the incident.
“You have that look in your eyes,” he said.
She faltered as if she’d been caught doing something inappropriate. She realized she always felt like she was being accused—not Pa’s fault but by her guilty reaction.
She plunked down beside him. “I told Burke about going to the circus.”
“Why would you do that?” His words were soft but faintly accusing.
She couldn’t say the real reason—that she hoped he would say it made no difference. That he found her acceptable as a nanny. Perhaps more. Oh, how she longed for more. “He was always mocking me for letting you choose my future husband. I wanted him to understand why I did.”
“I see. And what was his response?”
“He didn’t call me a fallen woman or anything.”
“Has anyone else?” A faint hurt tone came to his voice.
“Pa, I’ve always felt dirty. Defiled.”
“I hope you don’t think that’s how your ma and I felt. We blamed ourselves for not warning you about such men. We only wanted to shelter you.”
She understood that. “It was my own fault for letting my curiosity and wildness control my actions.” She sucked in air, wanting to explain more. “I’ve always felt anything that excited me or filled me with joy was wrong and would lead to something bad.”
Pa hung his head. “I never meant to make you afraid. And certainly never wanted to quench your spirit. Only guide it into a safe channel.”
“I know, Pa. But there is something you must understand. Something I’ve learned about myself out here. You assured me God doesn’t make mistakes when He creates us. ‘We are fearfully and wonderfully m
ade.’ For a long time I’ve wondered if I was the exception.”
“No, daughter—”
“Let me finish. Last night I took a good hard look at what I was becoming. And I didn’t think it was what God meant me to be. Burke says it takes a special kind of person to be a pioneer. Women, especially, find it hard because they miss the comforts of home and find the prairie lonely and empty. I don’t. I love the challenge.” She faced her father squarely. “Pa, I believe God has uniquely equipped me to be one of those who conquers this land.” She grabbed his wrists as if she could communicate her urgency through her touch. “I don’t want to go back with you. I can’t marry Ted.”
He looked as if she’d stabbed him.
“Pa, it isn’t anything to do with you and Ma. I feel whole here. I am excited about the challenges this land presents. I love the wind and the wide-open spaces. Pa….” Her voice fell to an agonized whisper. “I want you to release me from my promise to marry Ted. I want your blessing to stay here.”
“But you agreed.” Pa paused as if considering his words. “I fear you are letting your heart rule your head.”
“Not rule it, Pa. I’ve finally learned to be happy with who I am. Can’t you see that and allow it?” she spoke gently, not wanting to disappoint her father but knowing she much be all she was created to be.
Pa sighed heavily and pushed to his feet. “I need to consider your request. I think I’ll take a little walk and seek God’s guidance.”
She watched him go. It hurt to disappoint him but she could no longer be content to be a meek shadow of herself, hiding behind her father’s wishes. She prayed God would intervene. That she could begin to rejoice in the woman she was created to be.
Her heart cracked open and bled a bit. She would stay as a nanny but she wanted so much more. She wanted to share every aspect of Burke’s life as his wife and helpmate.
Chapter Fourteen
As Jenny crossed the yard to speak to her father, Burke prayed the man would set her free to be all she was meant to be. From the corner of the barn he watched them talking.
