Tessa (From Fear to Faith)

by Melissa Wiltrout

  I didn’t want to hear this. If God loved me even a little, things wouldn’t be in such a horrible mess. Any idiot could see that.

  “Would you like me to pray for you?”

  I sighed, not caring whether it was rude. Prayer was the last thing I needed right now. Patty reminded me so much of Heather – always poking her nose into my affairs, always wanting to help.

  “That’s okay. I have to clean up from breakfast, but if you need anything, just let me know.”

  I was relieved when she left. But as I continued to gaze upon the frozen world before me, such an ache filled my chest that I couldn’t stand it. Maybe I should have let her pray for me.

  ***

  Mom’s black car pulled in about noon. I dropped the magazine I’d been reading and watched as she limped toward the house. I winced when I saw her face. Both eyes were blackened, and there was a nasty bruise in front of her ear and another on the side of her mouth. Her long brown hair whipped in the wind.

  “Mom’s here,” I called, and hastened to open the door.

  Mom leaned hard on the door frame as she stepped inside. “Hey, Tessa.” She tried to smile, which only made her look worse.

  “Oh man, he got you real bad.” My throat tightened in sympathy.

  “So tell me, how do you like it here?” Mom asked. She spoke slowly, grimacing as if it hurt to move her mouth.

  I shrugged. Patty hurried in from the kitchen. “My goodness, Julie, what happened?”

  Mom ignored the question. “I need to ask a favor of you.” She took off her gloves and unzipped her coat. Underneath, she was wearing an old gray sweatshirt and blue jeans. “I know you’re good people. Would you let Tessa stay here for just a few days?”

  I could see the surprise in Patty’s face. “Well, we’d have to consider it. Why?”

  Mom kind of laughed. “Why? So she don’t look like I do tomorrow, that’s why.” Then her manner changed. “Please. I need a few days to decide what to do. I know it’s asking a lot, but I just don’t know what else to do. We don’t really know anybody around here.”

  “Well, this is rather unexpected,” said Patty. “But if you’re serious, I’ll call Tom at work and see what he thinks about it.”

  “Call him. I can wait.” Mom limped over and lowered herself into the armchair.

  I remained standing near the door, annoyed that Mom had not asked my consent before proceeding. But why raise a fuss when Patty might turn her down anyway? She seemed cautious about the idea, and judging by the snatches of conversation drifting in from the next room, Tom wasn’t thrilled by it either.

  At least ten minutes passed before Patty returned. She perched on the arm of the couch. “All right. I talked with Tom, and we’re okay with her staying a couple of days, if you give us a signed note with your permission.”

  Mom frowned. “A signed note? Come on, can’t you guys just trust me?”

  “It’s not that we don’t trust you,” Patty said. “What if Walter shows up over here tomorrow claiming we kidnapped her or something?”

  Mom shook her head. “Whatever. Give me some paper, and I’ll write a note.”

  “Aren’t you gonna ask what I think about this?” I cut in. “Or doesn’t it matter?”

  “I asked you. You didn’t answer. There something you don’t like about it?”

  “You wouldn’t care even if there was.”

  “Tess, it’s just a couple days.”

  “Right.” I rolled my eyes and stalked out of the room. Staying with Tom and Patty sounded like a good idea, but why did she always have to go over my head like I was a toddler?

  I wandered through the kitchen into the small but cozy dining room. A wooden table and four chairs stood in the center of the room against a backdrop of lacy yellow curtains. In the corner was a desk with an old-fashioned telephone and a laptop computer. Off to my right, a doorway opened into a small bathroom. It was here that I positioned myself to eavesdrop on the rest of the conversation.

  “I’ll come in the morning and take her to school,” Mom was saying. “I brought her some clothes and things.”

  “How long were you thinking she’d be here?” Patty asked.

  “Oh, if you get tired of her, just let me know.”

  “That’s not the point. She’s your daughter and you ought to take care of her, not us. This is a special and very temporary arrangement.”

  “Of course.”

  There was a pause, then Patty spoke again. “I don’t know if you’re interested, but our church runs a temporary shelter in Northford for women who are caught in abusive situations. I’ll give you their number. Even if you and Tessa didn’t want to stay there, you could talk to somebody, maybe get some help.”

  Mom’s reply was curt. “I’m working on it. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Okay. If you say so. But if I were you, I’d get away from that guy before it’s too late. He sounds like a real character.”

  “Oh yeah?” There was suspicion in Mom’s voice now. “What all is Tess telling you?”

  “She doesn’t have to say anything. It’s pretty obvious.”

  “What’s obvious?”

  “That you’re in a pretty difficult situation.”

  Mom was silent for a few moments, then she said, “I’m assuming you guys know how to keep things quiet.”

  “You mean…”

  “Just answer me. You gonna keep things quiet or not?”

  I pressed my hands against my chest. Why Mom was grilling Patty I wasn’t sure, but one thing I did know. Patty’s response would determine whether or not I was allowed to stay.

  Patty stammered as she tried to answer. “Well, uh . . . honestly, Julie, you puzzle me. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to get help, but I’m not going to do it for you. I don’t get involved in other people’s affairs without a really good reason.”

  “What would you call a good reason?”

  “Just what are you driving at, Julie? If you want me to promise I won’t say anything ever, even if I think you’re in danger, you can stop right now. I have to do what I believe is right. If that isn’t good enough for you, you’d better take your daughter with you when you leave.”

  Mom sighed. “Look, I’ll give it to you straight. Tess talks too much. Most of what she says isn’t true, the rest is exaggerated, and none of it is your business. Get it?”

  Anger surged through me. That charge wasn’t true, and Mom knew it.

  Patty’s reply was firm. “Like I said, I’m not making any blanket promises.”

  “Sure. I’m just telling you. You go messing with other people’s business, you’re gonna be sorry. Dead sorry.”

  My heart stopped. I shrank back into the bathroom. What was Mom doing? After last night, any fool could see we’d be better off if Walter got caught and thrown in prison.

  Suspicion leaped into my mind. Could Mom be involved in Walter’s dealings? Sickening as the thought was, it made sense – a lot of sense. Who else could have drawn those intricate diagrams taped on the refrigerator at the farmhouse? It certainly wasn’t Walter, whose skill with a pen barely rivaled a second-grader’s. And what about those weird phone calls she’d been making lately?

  I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. How could Mom do this to me? If she got arrested along with Walter, I’d be completely alone. I’d be at the mercy of whatever the state decided to do with me. Would I end up in foster homes? Or would I be charged for my own involvement and sent to jail or juvenile detention?

  Out in the living room, everything had gone quiet. Mom must have left. But I was paralyzed – too depressed to move, much less go out and face Patty. What must she be thinking?

  I sank to the bathroom floor and there, arms wrapped around my knees, I sat until my mind was numb and my bac
k ached.

  I didn’t hear Patty come in. She got down on the floor next to me and took my hand in hers, gently unclenching my fist. “I know how you must be feeling,” she said. “But it’s okay. You were smart to come here last night, and Tom and I want you to know you’re more than welcome. Anytime.”

  I couldn’t see how that would help anything, but I nodded.

  “One more thing,” she continued. “Tom and I are your friends, and we’ll do whatever we can for you, but the one who can really help you is Jesus.”

  I chewed my lower lip. Jesus, wasn’t he up in heaven somewhere? A lot of good he could do me. Supposing he even existed.

  “Tom and I have been praying for you, even before you came,” Patty went on. “Jesus knows all about your situation and how to deal with it. He knows about the fear and the trouble you have with your dad. He cares, Tessa. And I believe he’s working right now to help you, even though it doesn’t look like it.”

  I wished I could believe her. Anything would be better than this debilitating fear. But how could I be sure what she said was true?

  Patty smiled and patted my shoulder. “Come out to the kitchen, and I’ll make you a sandwich. Do you like toasted cheese?”

  I nodded. I didn’t know why, but listening to her had made me feel better.

  23

  How would you like to come along into town?” Patty asked me midway through the afternoon. “I have to get a few things at the store, and if we leave right away, we can swing by the high school and pick up Heather.”

  I gulped. I had forgotten about Heather. She probably didn’t even know I was here.

  “She’ll be delighted that you’re staying over,” Patty assured me. “You want to come?”

  “I suppose.” I’d had enough of sitting at the table trying to do homework while my mind spun with anxious speculations about Mom.

  I pawed through the two black trash bags of belongings Mom had left me until I found my jacket. Then I followed Patty out to the tiny one-car garage. She pulled the wooden door up by hand, revealing a mid-sized red car with a few rust spots. Except for the color, it was a carbon copy of the old white Impala that Walter had parked behind the abandoned farmhouse.

  “We’ve got a car just like this,” I said, as I opened the door and slid into the back seat.

  “Really? I’ve never seen it over there.”

  “It’s in the repair shop right now.”

  Patty backed the car out, pausing at the road. Her gaze lingered on me. “Tessa, you need to wear a seat belt.”

  “Aww, come on. Do I have to?” I pulled the belt across my lap and clicked it shut.

  “Yes, as long as I’m the driver, you do.”

  “Mom doesn’t make me wear one,” I argued.

  “Well, it’s never too late to develop a good habit,” was Patty’s reply.

  I let the subject drop. I was more concerned how Heather would react when she found out I was staying at her house. Wouldn’t she feel I was intruding? Taking away time and attention that was rightfully hers?

  But the grin that spread across Heather’s face when she saw me dispelled my fears. “What are you doing here?” she exclaimed, as she climbed in back with me. “You weren’t in school either.”

  “It’s a long story, but I guess I’m staying at your place for a couple days.”

  “Awesome.”

  “My mom said I could. Actually, she more like told me I had to. So I don’t know; I guess it’ll be fun.”

  “Of course. Sleepovers are always fun.” Heather’s eyes sparkled, as if she could envision the good time we would have.

  I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I never did it before.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding. Not even at your grandparents’?”

  I shook my head. “Walter wouldn’t let me.”

  “Who’s Walter?”

  “My father.”

  “How come you call him ‘Walter’ and not ‘Dad’? Is he really your father?”

  “Yeah, as far as I know. He doesn’t act like it though.”

  Patty pulled into a parking space at Allen’s grocery store. “Maybe you girls want to stay here and talk,” she said. “I’ll just be a few minutes.”

  I nodded. That was fine with me. The last thing I wanted to do was explain why I couldn’t go into the store with them.

  “So how’s your mouse doing these days?” Heather asked.

  I pulled my hair loose from its ponytail, then smoothed it out and gathered it up again. “She’s okay, I guess.” I desperately wanted to change the subject. “Hey Heather, you ever drive a car?”

  “Not yet. I’m planning to take driver’s ed in the spring.”

  “I guess it’s not too terribly hard,” I said.

  “What, driver’s ed?”

  “Driving. You know, stay in your lane, don’t hit anybody, make sure you stop at the red lights.”

  Heather laughed. “Yeah, but there’s a lot of laws you need to know about. Like who goes first when you get to a four-way stop.”

  Patty returned with two sacks of groceries, and the conversation took other twists. I withdrew, keeping my thoughts to myself as the traffic and noise of the city gave way to wooded hills and snow-covered farm fields. At the crest of the hill where we turned left onto Vance Road, I noticed two sheriff cars sitting side by side in the driveway of the power substation.

  “I wonder what they’re doing,” Heather commented.

  I said nothing, but their presence a quarter mile from my home alarmed me. It was probably the same guys who’d followed Walter home last night. Maybe they were waiting for him.

  Sadie greeted us at the back door with barks of delight. I scratched around her collar and she leaned into me, panting and wagging her tail furiously.

  “She really likes you,” Heather said, as she hung up first her coat, then mine in the closet.

  I continued scratching Sadie’s neck. Much as I loved dogs, we’d never had one of our own.

  “You can take her out and play with her if you want,” Patty said. “She’d like that.”

  I didn’t answer. I probably shouldn’t go outside; if Walter happened to drive by and see me, I’d be in big trouble.

  “So, what would you like to do?” Patty asked me, after she’d put the groceries away. “I’m making meatballs for supper. You could help with that, or if you’d rather, you could join Heather in the dining room and do some more homework.”

  “I’ll help out here.”

  I watched as Patty scooped a chunk of hamburger into a mixing bowl, then cracked two eggs over it.

  “Your eggs are brown,” I said.

  “Yeah, we’ve got a little flock of chickens out back. Most of them lay brown eggs.”

  “They lay eggs – like every day?” My curiosity was piqued.

  Patty smiled. “Like every other day. They kind of switch off. I’ve got sixteen hens, and they give me ten or eleven eggs every day. You want to see them?”

  “Sure.” It would be fun to see some farm animals up close.

  “After we get the meatballs in the oven, I’ll take you out there. I have to feed them anyway.” She added a heaping cup of Parmesan cheese and several handfuls of crushed saltine crackers to the bowl, then pushed it toward me. “Here, why don’t you mix this. I just use my hands, but if you want a spoon, they’re in that drawer in front of you.”

  I stared down at the square mass of raw hamburger in the bowl. Somewhere I’d heard this stuff was contaminated with all sorts of unmentionable things. But if I used a spoon, Patty would think I was squeamish. It wouldn’t kill me, I decided, and I could wash my hands when I was done.

  “Good job,” Patty said when I was through. “Now we roll the meatballs.” She made one to show the correct size,
and after that we worked with the bowl between us until we had forty-seven little balls lined up on the tray.

  I retired to the sink to scrub my hands while Patty slid the tray into the oven. A sheet of yellow paper tacked on the side of the refrigerator caught my eye. This must be Mom’s note. Grabbing a towel, I stepped closer and read.

  Tessa has my permission to stay at Ericksons’ house until I say. She will be free to leave at any time and must leave when I say. She may not stay longer for any reason.

  At the bottom of the page, Mom had signed and dated it.

  Uneasiness churned in my stomach. Mom never wrote but one short line in her notes to the school office. Clearly she was making a point here, but what was the point? That Tom and Patty could not imprison me at their house? It made no sense.

  ***

  A wash of subdued orange and pink was all that remained of the modest sunset as Patty and I walked down the shoveled path to the chicken coop a few minutes later. Patty carried a two-gallon bucket of feed in one hand. Sadie bounded ahead of us, her breath making little clouds of fog in the frigid air.

  Patty pulled open the main door and stepped inside. I followed. Immediately half a dozen chickens clustered around my feet and began to peck the snow off my shoes. Their beauty and diversity amazed me. Yellow, black, red, speckled and striped, no two were alike. I stooped to touch the yellow one. It shied away, but then circled around to peck at my shoes from behind.

  Patty gathered eggs from the wooden nest boxes along the wall, then tossed corn from her bucket in handfuls onto the floor. The chickens scattered for it like children after parade candy.

  I laughed at their eagerness. “Where’d you get them?”

  “My brother gave them to us when we moved here last summer. I’d love to have some other animals, but without a barn, it’s going to be a while.” She led me back outside and latched the door. Sadie bounded up to us, a frozen tennis ball in her mouth.