Breaking Free: The Broken Hearts Club

by Michele Barlow

  “I’m sure that your partner would record them. Or make sure you’re included. Your kids would know that their dad does a really important job and that the sacrifices are worth it. Military kids know that, cop kids, and I’m sure firefighter kids too. My dad worked a lot because he had to. I didn’t blame him. I knew that he had work to do.”

  “I guess kids are more understanding than adults sometimes.”

  “Does someone important to you not like your job?”

  “No, it’s just that I’ve dated in the past and it was tough not being available all the time. I’d say I’d call and then get on a job and not be able to get back to them. It made them feel like they weren’t important, which wasn’t the case at all. I just had to focus on my work first.”

  “I understand that. I mean you have to not let distractions in while you work. Who wouldn’t understand that?”

  “A lot of people actually. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just saying that they might need someone with a nine to five.”

  “I spend a lot of time at the salon. I often work late hours.”

  “Sounds like we both understand busy schedules. That’s nice, yeah?”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “Nothing, I’m just saying that you wouldn’t be surprised by my schedule and I wouldn’t be surprised by yours.”

  “Do we need to be okay with each other’s schedules?”

  “Luna, I’m thinking that it’s going to be very important soon. Because I’ve had a really nice time. I hope our evening continues. And even though I work tomorrow for twenty-four, I’d like to see you the next day. Maybe an early breakfast?”

  “So, you want a second date?”

  “I’ll be honest I don’t want this date to end. If I didn’t have to work I’d take you home and keep you there until I had to give you back to work.”

  Luna wasn’t sure what to say to that. Who heard of a first date that lasted for days?

  “I’m probably going to regret this, but what would we do for a little over a day?”

  “I’d start with finishing out tonight by winning you those goldfish. Then we’d have to do a late night trip to buy them a home. Which I would kindly offer to help you set up at my house first. Maybe then, I’d convince you to sit on the couch with me. Offer you a glass of wine if you want. I’d try to get you to kiss me again. Then if you were willing I’d spend the better part of the night getting to know you, hopefully naked.”

  “Ford, are you for real?”

  “Absolutely. You don’t have to guess with me, Luna. If you want to know how I’m feeling just ask.”

  Luna thought that was dangerous and not something she’d ever let anyone do to her. Even if she was going to try and tell the truth, she’d stutter her way through it and come out looking deceitful.

  “Do you like me?”

  The words tumbled out as if someone else was making her ask. Shit! What if he said no? But why would he? He just made her a proposition that wasn’t at all subtle.

  “Of course. I like you a lot. I think you’re sexy as hell. You’re beautiful and I’ve had fun tonight. Why wouldn’t I like you?”

  Luna shrugged. “I have baggage. I get anxiety. I see my therapist regularly and she’s prescribed me medication for it. I’m not perfect.”

  “Do you really think anyone is perfect? I can tell you right now that they aren’t. I’ve met so many people in my job, from the poorest of the poor to the richest of the rich. Nothing excludes anyone from having issues. We all do the best we can with the life we are given. I can only say from the brief time I’ve spent with you, and what Toby told me, that you are a fighter. I like that. Strong people are attractive.”

  “Me? Strong? I have never used that word in describing myself. I would pick something opposite. I hate that I haven’t always been able to manage on my own. I wish I could have handled things without help.”

  “Why?”

  “Because then that would make me a strong capable person.”

  Ford moved closer to her and since they were in a very public place with people milling around them, he leaned down so only she could hear him.

  “You are strong, capable, and brave. You came out with me even though you were scared to do so. I know you don’t know me, but I’ll let you know something for the future. I don’t like anyone close to me to talk badly about themselves. You are now close to me. I don’t care if you think these things in your head, but as someone that matters to me, I can’t let you be mean to yourself. I’ll make sure to remind you regularly that you are amazing and we will work to keep those negative thoughts away, yeah?”

  Luna had always spoken badly about herself. Her squad had helped her some, but she was just more careful around them now.

  “Are you going to be around all the time then?” she tried to joke.

  “I think I might just have to be.”

  He gave her a soft kiss that just grazed over her mouth. It wasn’t a kiss about heat, it was something else. It almost felt like a promise.

  Luna came from a mindset of practicality. Nobody made promises without getting something back. Strangers certainly didn’t make promises, not that she was a hundred percent sure that Ford was still a stranger. She figured that making out with someone in public moved them out of casual acquaintance group.

  “My girls are going to give me an earful about this,” she said to herself but it was aloud.

  “Your girls?”

  Luna started walking and told him about the group of women that had helped saved her life. She hadn’t really shared this much with anyone that she hadn’t already known for a while. There was something that told her Ford wouldn’t think she was less because she had sought out others that had suffered a loss like her.

  She told him how they had wrapped her up in understanding and support at a time that she so desperately needed it. That without them she wouldn’t be where she was today.

  “I’d like to meet these women. They sound like my sisters and my brothers’ wives. An amazing, yet slightly terrifying, tribe.”

  “That’s what they are. My tribe. You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it takes a tribe of women to keep a single woman from drowning.”

  “I think they’ve done a great job.”

  Luna had to hold back a tear. “They really have. If you can have a dozen women be your soul mates, then they are definitely my soul mates.”

  “I think they can be whatever you want them to be.”

  They walked a little while longer talking and looking at the vendors selling everything imaginable or ‘as seen on TV.’

  “Time for games?” He asked when they had made it through the building.

  “Sure, I love throwing money away.”

  Chapter 12

  A few hours later, they were walking back to his car carrying a large stuffed monkey and two small bags containing goldfish.

  “I need to name them. What’s a good name for a fish?”

  “I don’t know. They aren’t like cats and dogs you know. They need people names.”

  “People names?”

  “Sure, like Fred the Fish or Barry.”

  “Nobody names their fish Barry.”

  “Maybe they should. Or Carl, that’s a strong fish name.”

  “I knew you had to have a flaw. It’s naming pets,” she said with a giggle.

  “Fine then, what are you going to name them?”

  Luna pretended to ponder her options. “Peyton and Eli,” she said proudly.

  “Football fan, huh? I can respect that.”

  “Can’t help it, they both are goofy and adorable. My fishes are goofy and adorable. It fits.”

  “Then let’s go get Peyton and Eli a new home.”

  Ford drove them to the local pet store and they picked out a small tank, and she found an appropriately sized ceramic house and a small goal post for them in case they wanted to toss the ball around. Grabbing the rest of the necessary items to keep her fish alive,
they checked out and headed back to the truck.

  “Thanks for letting me pay for my own fish tank,” she quipped.

  “I didn’t like it. I feel like I should be paying fish support or something since I won them for you.”

  “Fish support? Hah! They will be fine and happy being supported by a single mother, thank you.”

  Once they were settled in the truck it got quiet and Luna bit her lip as she tried to think of how to end the night.

  “So…” she started.

  “Luna…”

  “I guess you can drop me back at the salon.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  Luna wasn’t sure what she wanted. She knew she didn’t want to go home alone. But then the alternative was a daunting idea that made her think about finding her medicine in the bottom of her purse.

  Since she wasn’t sure what she wanted, she copped out and asked him. “What do you want?”

  “You know. I told you earlier. I want to find a nice soft bed and spend the night making love to you.”

  “Who says that?”

  “Honest men. I’m honest. I want you. It’s simple.”

  “But what does that mean for me? A one-night stand?”

  “No. But what if it was? A night with me, where I promise you’ll leave happy. You’re an adult; you can make those decisions yourself.”

  Luna felt that ache in her stomach that always started when all of her doubts and uncertainties would rise up and make her think negative things about herself.

  “What if you don’t leave happy?”

  There was a look of shock and confusion on his face, and then there was a hint of annoyance. “How the fuck am I not going to leave happy?”

  “I’m just saying, it’s because…”

  “Because what?”

  “You know my history. What if I’m not good in bed? I didn’t even know my husband was gay. Shouldn’t I have known? Maybe I’m so bad that I didn’t know I was doing it wrong.”

  He was quiet for a moment. She could see his mind working behind his eyes. “You’ve never been with anyone but your ex?”

  “No.”

  “Luna, I’m a little shocked. I’m just trying to figure out how the hell you got that idea.”

  “Uh, have you met my ex?”

  “Yes. And he may love you, which I could tell that he did. But, honey, he wasn’t attracted to you. Not because you aren’t beautiful, because you are. And it wasn’t because you weren’t good in bed. It’s just who he is. It’s like eating ice cream because it tastes good and knowing you’re lactose intolerant. It’s never gonna work. Did you ever think that maybe you weren’t the one lacking in the bedroom?”

  “Him? But he… you know, could do it.”

  “Just you saying ‘do it’ makes me think that there was very little passion involved.”

  No, Luna couldn’t say there was ever any passion. It was always just… nice.

  “I’m not sure I’d know what passion was. I figured that we had an okay relationship when it came to that. It seemed like married women were always complaining about stuff like that.”

  “That’s on television. It’s a running joke. Real live women that are well taken care of don’t complain. The women in my life are very open about their love lives. They demand a certain level of satisfaction, and if it’s not met there is hell to pay.”

  “I don’t know women like that. Well, maybe Cambry. She’s in a new relationship and seems pretty happy. They do it, like all the time.”

  “You’re supposed to want to do it all the time. It’s fun and feels good. Normally when something is good and fun, you want to do it more often. Haven’t you ever just gotten so wound up that you have to come just to think straight?”

  “Wow, no. I mean I used to want sex all the time, but I was younger. I guess I just got used to getting it a few times a year. If I took care of myself, you know….”

  “I know.”

  “Then I wanted it more. And it wasn’t something I wanted to have to ask for so I just pushed it out of my life. I was happy. Don’t get me wrong. It was just a quiet sort of life.”

  Luna couldn’t believe she had just shared all that with him. In the light of day, she was going to have a hard time looking him in the eye.

  He had been quiet as he listened to her. His face had gone from confused and annoyed to an expression she couldn’t read.

  “I guess that makes me sound like a loser or something.” She shouldn’t have said that. Those shitty feelings she’d spent so many months working on tamping down were resurfacing.

  Ford’s eyes flashed to hers. “You are not a loser.”

  He put the car into gear and started driving. He seemed to know where he was going and she expected him to just take her back to the salon. Her overshare had probably made him want to roll her out at the nearest gas station to get away from her.

  They came up to the turn for her shop and he got on the freeway instead.

  “My salon is the other way, Ford.”

  “Oh, there is no way I’m dropping you off there with you thinking shit like that.”

  “Shit? What shit? Now you made me say shit!”

  “Just the fact that you can’t hear yourself makes me crazy. You’ve been settling for less than you deserve for years and that ends tonight. I’m taking you to my place. I’m going to show you what you’ve been missing.”

  Luna was a little shocked at the turn of events. She really thought unloading on him would make him run. A small part of her was using it as a defense mechanism. She wouldn’t have to face the truth if she kept people at arm’s reach.

  “Do I get a say in this?”

  “You have all the say in this. Just think back to that first kiss, or even the second. Remember how that felt?”

  Luna did remember. It was a moment that was burned into her mind now. She’d use it in the future to compare her feelings to. In those moments, she felt like she was fully awake.

  “I remember.”

  “That’s passion, Luna. Real, honest to goodness passion. It tells me that we are going to be good together. Better than good. There is a very good chance we will be fucking fantastic. I think you deserve that and even if I don’t deserve it, I sure as hell want it.”

  Go home with him? Have S-E-X with him? Just because she wanted to? The embarrassment level that was trying to register in her mind broke. Luna wanted to text her friends, get their opinions. She hadn’t made any real life choices without them since she had joined their group. But they couldn’t make this decision for her. It was hers to make and she was terrified to make it.

  She liked him. He was handsome, sweet, and funny. He liked her, he’d said he did. Several times now. He almost seemed proud to be with her when they were walking around the fair. He protected her and coddled her. It had been a few hours where Luna didn’t feel like she was on her own in the big world and some of the weight of her life had been lifted by some good food, some fun, and a great man.

  “I’m nervous. I don’t know what I should do.”

  “I’ll tell you what I think. This part, this moment right now. This is the hard part. It’s the most vulnerable you are ever going to be with me. After this moment, it gets better. It will get easier. So easy that when you’re with me, you won’t even have to think about it. I can promise you that.”

  “You can make that kind of promise?”

  “It’s like pulling off a band-aid. The waiting and deciding when to rip it off can be worse than the actual pain. Go ahead and make the leap, see how much better you feel.”

  “You’re good with words, Ford. Too good. I haven’t even been tempted until I met you.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment. Just say yes and then we’ll face the next steps together.”

  Together. She liked the way that sounded. A partner, someone by her side. Someone to share her life with. True, Ford wasn’t promising the future. Maybe she didn’t need that from him. Maybe she just needed the right now. If she could
get through a relationship with Ford, maybe the next one would be even easier, and someday she might find the one.

  She didn’t think Ford could be the one. He was too good. Too perfect for her. She needed someone with a few more dings so she wouldn’t ever feel that she wasn’t good enough for them. Luna didn’t need to explain that to Ford. She’d just keep that to herself.

  “I like you. I do. Can you just promise me something?”

  “Anything.”

  “If you don’t like me after… just tell me you had a good time and that you’ll call me. When you don’t call, I’ll know and we won’t have to hash it out. I’ll get it.”

  “Fuck me, Luna. We have got to work on your self-esteem. I see that it’s going to take a little more work on my part. Lucky for you, I like a challenge.”

  Luna shrugged. “Like I said, just say you’ll call me and I’ll understand.”

  She heard a growling noise from him and saw his hand flex on the steering wheel. Luna wasn’t trying to be difficult; she was just giving them both an exit strategy. It seemed like a good idea.

  Chapter 13

  Ford wasn’t angry at Luna. He was mad at the world and sad as shit for her. Someone so amazing shouldn’t feel the way she did about herself. How could she not look in the mirror every morning and see that she was a force to be reckoned with?

  “Who hurt you?”

  He heard her make a little noise.

  “Who?”

  “Who was it that broke your heart?”

  She was quiet for a moment. “Me.”

  Fuck him. Ford wasn’t prepared for that. He needed a dragon to slay. His inner caveman was pounding his chest and looking to swing his club.

  “Sorry?”

  “I broke my own heart. I didn’t protect it. I didn’t face the reality that was in front of me and I let things go on for way too long. I let those around me, namely Al’s family, tear me down because I thought they had a right to. I know now they didn’t, but I still allowed it to happen. I blamed myself for wasted years of living with a man that didn’t love me like he said he did. I knew it. I did. Deep down you know when someone says one thing but feels something else. I allowed my heart to be broken because I wanted my marriage to look as normal as everyone else’s.”