"I never had a clue he wanted all of this, flirting sure, even a hint here or there, but never all of this. I just can't Kara."
Just then I heard something from outside the door and saw Ryan.
He looked me straight in the eye, for what felt like forever, before he spoke.
"Foods ready, you two." And then he turned and walked away.
"Shit! He heard me didn't he?"
"I don't know if he heard you Kara, but I'm positive he heard me."
I walked out to the family room and then over to the kitchen. All three men were standing over the pizza boxes stuffing their faces. Chris gave me a look that said, 'tread lightly', so I did.
Chad tried to kill the awkwardness by asking about Jarrett. Like that was a better topic of conversation.
"He already had been released when I called," Chris added.
"We know. The cops at the station said they found evidence on a video camera or something from the bar that has him breaking all the windows out. They were talking about it when they were booking me."
As soon as Ryan was done talking, I removed myself from the room and all of my friends. Walking straight out onto my deck, I stopped when my hands hit the railing. What the hell was wrong with me? How did I have no idea he could be such a psycho? My judgment on men had just gone from bad to worse.
I heard someone walking on the deck floor before I felt hands wrap around my waist again and spin me around to face him.
"Stop it, Kate. Beating yourself up over this isn't going to change anything. Learn from it. Don't repeat your mistakes. It’s the only way you won't end up in the same situation or worse next time around. Oh, and I forgot to apologize for getting mad earlier. I just wish sometimes you would open your eyes and see these guys for who they really are. They don’t deserve you."
I looked into those eyes again and wished things were different. That I trusted myself to make the right choice, because I know Ryan would never hurt me. I just couldn’t chance what we already had. So I said the only thing I could, "Ryan, thank you. You’re one of my best friends and I needed you today, without even knowing how much until now. You mean everything to me, but I'm not ready to go there with us."
"Kate, I understand. I really do. It’s okay. Make this one less thing you need to stress over. We will be fine."
He grabbed me and hugged me. Something about the way his arms felt when they were around me was like home. Safe, loved, all of those words wrapped up into the one of the smallest of actions: a hug. Who knew it could do that?
Then a thought entered my mind and came out of my mouth simultaneously, "If Jarrett did all that, then where did he go? He wouldn't come back here do you think?"
"I'm not taking any chances. I brought stuff with me to stay here if that's okay. And before you say it, no, I wasn't being presumptuous because of earlier today."
"How do you always know what I am thinking?"
"I'm just good like that."
"Yes, you are. Now let’s go back inside. I'm hungry after all."
"Good, you need to gain more weight anyway."
I grabbed his arm before he could turn and walk back in, "Thank you for being you." I went up on my toes to kiss his cheek and then walked back onto the house leaving him behind.
He stayed outside a little longer than I expected, but we all need a little time to ourselves now and then.
Eventually we were all back to being just us. Chris pulled a bottle from the bar, along with some shot glasses and the drinking games began. Chad brought back some memories from college when he suggested we play Three Man with dice. If you’re not familiar, it’s a game where you roll two dice. If either land on a three the person designated to be the Three Man has to drink whatever the other dice roll count was. It will get you drunk in no time.
We all played and laughed until it was time to call it a night. Everyone left, except Ryan. I went to take a shower and get ready for bed while Ryan watched T.V. When I finished, I offered to get together everything he would need but he insisted that he had it all taken care of and went into my bathroom. I went ahead and climbed into bed, ready for the awful day to come to an end.
What seemed like only seconds later, I was woken up by the bathroom door opening and the light streaming onto the bed. Using one eye, I could see a very toned, very sexy Ryan, wrapped only in a towel, exiting the steamy bathroom. ‘This is what Sadie must have thought when she saw my brother earlier' went through my mind. God, he looked delicious. 'What the hell is wrong with me' was my second thought.
Water dripped off of his muscles as they flexed and pulled with every movement he made. Ryan had no idea I could see him or that I was watching him like a sick, twisted person whose panties now needed to be thrown away. No amount of washing could do away with the pool that had invaded them. Involuntarily, my legs began to move back and forth trying to create some kind of friction to relieve the scorching pain building between them.
‘This is Ryan, one of your best friends' and 'Don't do this you will ruin everything' kept repeating like a spinning wheel in my head. Meanwhile my body rejected the idea to avoid him completely.
I closed my eyes again and pretended to be asleep, but my pelvis would not obey me. I heard his feet shift on the hardwood floor and then the bed sank as he sat down. When he reached for my hair to brush it out of the way, chills ran all the way down to my toes. I shifted again slightly, attempting to fool him into thinking I was asleep, but his fresh breath hit my senses before I could feel it on my neck.
"Kate, are you really pretending to be asleep?"
I was now adding embarrassment to my emotions. There was no way I could just turn over with my eyes open, grab him, pull him down on top of me and ravish him the way body wanted me too. Or could I? Sure, I could have, that's what all the women in the books I read do. But I was so not one of those. Well, outside of my fantasy world I wasn't. So, pathetic and sexually frustrated, I lay quietly, steadying my breathing, doing the best imitation of sleep I could manage.
"You suck at this you know."
He was still in my ear. Breath still as fresh as the toothpaste he just used. That's when I felt his tongue run up my ear lobe and take it into his mouth. He sucked and then used his teeth to drag it from his mouth.
I tried so hard to not react, but when his hand slid down my arm and rested in mine, of course I squeezed it.
That was all the encouragement he needed. His hand never left mine, but his tongue traveled down my neck, up my chin and landed on my closed lips. I really was still trying to keep this from happening, but my efforts went unnoticed. That tongue of his swiped the crease of my mouth, leaving me only one option. You guessed right, I opened my mouth taking it in and sucked on it. When that caused a moan to come out of him, I lifted my pelvis simultaneously.
Ryan moved on top of me, never allowing our kiss to break. My hands went into his hair as he lifted my tank top up over my breasts, completely exposing them. When his hands ran across my very perky nipples, his mouth left mine, his whole body arched back and he went still, taking in my chest.
"My ever loving God, you just took my breath away from me."
Without pause, his mouth was on my rib cage, dragging his tongue up along the underside of my breast and following the curve line there. My fingers dug into the palms of my hands. Nothing had ever felt like this. He wasn't in a hurry to get off, it wasn't all about him. He was making this all about me and my pleasure and it was working. As he reached the peak of my breast, his mouth engulfed my nipple and sucked on it as if he couldn’t get enough.
The sounds that were leaving my body were none I had ever heard before. My hands went to his head and cradled him, begging for the pleasure I was feeling to continue. Ryan never faltered. When I thought I would be devastated after his mouth left the very place that was bringing me so much pleasure, it found its partner. My mind couldn’t wrap around the feeling I was gaining from this. He continued his suckling and I had an orgasm on the spot. Pleasure shot through me
. My body bucked under him, but his mouth never left my breast. His hand journeyed down, lifting my panties and running down my slit until he was penetrating me with his fingers. When I thought I was spent from the first wave, another started to build immediately. My head pressed back into the pillow under it while my back arched as high as it could go. If this man could do this much in high school type foreplay, what would actual intercourse feel like? You bet your ass I was ready to find out. I would deal with the repercussion of my decisions later. Right in that moment, I needed everything I was getting.
Ryan removed his hand from my panties, just long enough to grab them and pull them slowly down my legs and off of my body. Next he came back for my tank top. I sat up giving him easier access while he gripped the bottom hem and slowly pulled up. I raised my arms letting the fabric slide up and then off. I was naked, completely naked, with one of my very best friends, who by the way let the towel drop to the floor apparently when he sat on the bed. He showed no shame nor should he as he stood proudly before me.
I came to rest on my knees and placed my hands on his hip bones as my head descended to take all of him in my mouth.
The grunt that he let out as his whole body went stiff let me know he was enjoying what I started. His hands grabbing my hair confirmed it.
Apparently he had no desire to finish the way we were going because one minute I was relishing in the fact I was going to bring him the pleasure he had brought me and in the next blink I was spread eagle on my bed.
No words were spoken. Ryan looked me in the eye as he led himself inside of me. What my inner walls felt as the pressure surmounted is indescribable. I was completely full and I knew he still had more to give. We stayed together allowing me to stretch and him to get himself under control. When I couldn't stand it any longer, I pulled my body back, forcing him to push forward if he wanted to feel all of me. As he pushed, I slammed into him as hard as I could. We may not have been using words, but I knew he got my point. I didn't want soft or slow. I needed to have this day replaced by another memory even if this one would be end up being of the ones I regretted the most.
Well, waking up next to Ryan was way different than falling asleep with him wrapped around me. Way different. It was as if the last twenty four hours smacked my conscience upside the head all at once. He was still asleep next to me and I didn't know what to do. I had to pee so bad it hurt, but if I moved, he might wake up. If he woke up, we would have to deal with what happened and I couldn't do that. I would risk a bladder infection before I had to have that conversation. More time had passed and there was no way I could hold it any longer. That's when I noticed his breathing had changed. He wasn't sleeping either, I could tell. ‘Oh God’, went through my mind over and over as the pain in my bladder became unbearable.
I bolted from the bed, straight to the bathroom, slammed the door and let Niagara Falls happen. Relief never felt so good. I was so grateful to be out of that bed that it didn't occur to me until now that I was stuck in my bathroom.
"Fuck!"
I let it out without thinking it through obviously.
"What, what happened? Are you okay?"
Ryan was through the door and standing over me in no time. I on the other hand was still sitting on the toilet. Wonderful, right?
"Ryan I'm fine, really. Can I please have some privacy?"
Only then did it register on his face that I was naked as the day I was born, sitting on the toilet and he was standing directly over me.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry Kate. I just heard you scream and got worried and...."
"Ryan!"
"Oh God, I'm going, going..."
He was saying this as he backed out and closed the door behind him.
My face went between my legs instantly. "What the hell do I do now?' I looked up and saw the robe hanging from the back of the door. I flushed the toilet, grabbed it and threw it over me, before I was out the door and walking straight to the kitchen without looking at him once.
Coffee was as good excuse as any. I grabbed the grounds and went for the water when he put himself right in my path.
"What are you doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you have to make this uncomfortable? It was sex, Kate. I didn't ask you to marry me. Hell, I didn't even ask you to be my girl first."
He was laughing, but I couldn't find anything funny about what we did. I wasn't the girl that allowed any man to sleep with me. I wasn't even the type to kiss on the first date. Now here I am, standing in my kitchen, having the awkward morning after conversation.
"I never said you needed to. We are both adults. What happened happened. End of story. We just need to figure out what we do about it to make sure it never happens again."
The smile fell from his face. This is what I was afraid of. I hurt him and didn't know how to take it back. It’s not that I even understood what I wanted. He was more amazing than any man I have ever been with, but what if it went wrong? I didn't want to lose him.
"I didn't mean it like that. Ryan, you are so special, so amazing. I can't lose you and you know how relationships turn out for me. We need to just stay friends."
I walked over to where he stood, still naked and unbelievably sexy. I placed my hands on his cheeks and begged him with my eyes to look at me.
He didn't hesitate. He looked straight at me when he said, "We’re done here. Don't worry about it. If I was what you really wanted, you would have known it the second you woke up. You would’ve rolled toward me instead of pretending to be asleep. You would’ve never run past me to pretend you even like coffee. Don't play me for a fool. I know you, or I thought I did. I'm just going to go get dressed and get out of here."
He turned and walked back into my room, leaving me to watch the view as he retreated.
I should have gone after him. I should have begged him to see past all of my fears that were blocking my sight. I did nothing. He packed, he left and he didn't once turn to look at me on his way out the door. I lost a part of him that day.
CHAPTER 5
Kara called me, I didn't answer the phone. I sent all of them a text, explaining I needed a break. I didn't really need a break from them but from myself and my own head. I took several showers, but never was able to get the feel of Ryan off of me. He was everywhere. The way he took his time making me feel like I was the most amazing thing in this world. How could something so wrong feel so right?
As the day dragged on, the only person I missed was the one that never called. He never tried in any way.
By nightfall I was becoming desperate to hear his voice. I needed Ryan in my life. He was always the one I felt closest too out of the guys. It made sense before that because Chris was gay and Chad was Kara's, but now I know it’s because of so much more.
It had been weeks and I still hadn’t heard anything from Ryan. If I really wanted to stalk him, I could have gone into his office, but I had a life of my own and I needed to live it.
I hadn't heard a thing from Jarrett, either. That one surprised me more than Ryan pulling away. Kara and I talked and she pretty much told me how horrible it was that I used Ryan. To everyone else, I had used him. Maybe I did, but if so, I have no idea what for. I gained nothing from that night. I lost what I now realize was my chance with him if I really did want it, and my friend to boot. Exactly what I had been worried would happen, did.
Work was work, so to say the least I had been able to stay busy. My days had been nothing other than going to work and coming home. Pathetic, I know this already. The few times I attempted to go out with everyone, I would ask if he was going to be there and the answer was always yes. So my response was always “never mind”.
My parent’s anniversary was the following day, thank God, because Kara called me and said the guys were planning to go to the winery. When I reminded her about the party, she went into an all-out fit.
"Kate! How could you not remind me? I'm going to kill my mother. She's throwing the damn party and she fails to send me a formal
invite. How was I supposed to remember? I don't even have a dress. What are you wearing? Shit, this sucks!"
I couldn't help but laugh. She was right on all accounts. I did fail huge with the notice I was giving her.
"Kara, calm down. I'm leaving the office in an hour. I have no plans tonight, so if you want to shop we can go then."
"I guess I have no choice. You owe me huge for this. I was getting really excited for the wine day."
"Sorry." Not really. "Everyone will have to go without you."
"Uh, no they won't. Chad will be accompanying me and Chris and Ryan will be there as well. Your dad adores them both and your mother tries to convert Chris every chance she can. Why she wants babies from all of us is beyond me. Maria is crazy if she thinks any of us are ready to settle down with a family."
"She doesn’t try to convert Chris and it’s not all that crazy to assume you and Chad will be ready sooner than later. You are married, Kara."
"It’s funny, you never mentioned Ryan."
"And that's funny why?"
"Kate, you’re ruining everything, stop acting like this. Ryan is not pining after you like your acting. He isn't avoiding you at all. He just moved on, ever heard of it?"
"That's not funny." I had a pencil in my hand that was about to break if I didn't ease up on squeezing it.
"It wasn't meant to be. He’s been talking to this girl Avery. I think he was going to bring her tomorrow, so even if we all don't go to the winery, he can just bring her to the party. Problem solved."
"I'm done with this conversation. Do you want to shop tonight or not?"
"I will see you around 4:30. I'll just come up there, but you need to get over yourself Kate. You messed up; the chance is gone, except it and move on. There are others. Hell, you never knew he was even an option until it was decision time. You chose wrong, deal with it. I need my girl back."
"See you in a few."
I hung up the phone without a goodbye. I knew she was right, but it didn't mean I needed to be reminded. I glanced at the picture that sat framed on the corner of my desk. It was graduation day from college with all five of us. Life seemed so easy then. We had the whole world to find our place in. Now the boys had their practice established, Kara ran her interior design business and I ran my charity. Life was good. Who am I lying to? You know my thoughts. Life was far from good.
Fearing Regret Page 4
