Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  Me: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING U DO 4 ME

  Send.

  I started fidgeting with the holes of the afghan I was wrapped up in. Waiting for a response was about as much fun as having a rectal exam. I honestly have never had one done, but we can all imagine what that would be like. Eventually, I gave up, threw my phone down on the couch and went for something to eat. My mom is a culinary goddess, which always allows me to have a stocked freezer. I grabbed the baked ziti that was staring back at me, pre-heated the oven and went back to check my phone, only to find nothing had changed. Disappointed, I sat back down on my couch and started to cry. I hated feeling sorry for myself, which is exactly what I was doing. Just as I was about to get up and go to my home office I heard, "What happened? Are you all right? Talk to me pretty girl."

  As the words were still processing, I felt warm hands rest on my shoulders. My eyes were closed but that voice has always brought me peace. When I opened them, Ryan was standing there.

  "I didn't hear you come in," was all I could say.

  "I know." And then he pulled me into a hug that felt so good. I let it all out. My body shook as I cried and cried. To be honest I wasn't even sure why I was in the first place. There was just so much pain inside me that I needed to let out. Ryan rubbed my back up and down as I soaked his shirt with my tears.

  "It's all going to be okay. I will never let anything happen to you." He pulled back to look down into my eyes. "Do you hear me? Never."

  I knew he meant what he was saying but there was no way he could protect me from myself.

  "Thank you, Ryan, but I am my own worst enemy."

  That did it.

  "Stop it! Why are you doing this to yourself? You are not a weak person. You Kate have always been the strongest woman I know. I can't fix this even though it's all I want to do. You have to move on. A few bad decisions don't define you. Do I need to slap you into submission or can you just take my advice?"

  That caused a smile to take over my whole face.

  "That might work."

  Ryan busted out laughing which became contagious instantly. The comfort I found with him when I wasn't over thinking things felt surreal. When I was able to subdue my laughter I said, "Why did you come back?"

  He looked at me for a second. As if he were trying to think of a good answer, when what I believe was the truth spilled out of his mouth.

  "I never really left."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I went to my car but was never able to leave the driveway."

  "That was hours ago Ryan! Why not?"

  "Because," he paused uncomfortably before saying, “I think I need you as much as you need me right now, just maybe for different reasons."

  I knew the words he just spoke took more from him than just a breath. I also knew he didn't want me pushing him to explain. So I did the last thing I thought I should. My hands found his face, I looked up into his eyes and then my lips slowly gripped on to his.

  The second contact was made he came crashing back into me. We became lost in that kiss. Both of us seemed to be letting go of our worries and just living in the moment, something I rarely do. In the mad fury that became of us to shed each other's clothes, Ryan was always careful of my head as he pulled my shirt from my body. It amazed me how in the midst of passion he still remembered when he needed to remain in control. I on the other hand was like a junkie who needed their next fix and it was being dangled right in front of me. His shirt came off and then I went for his zipper. My hands found what they were looking for when something primal took over me. I dropped to my knees and used my teeth to grip the small metal piece that would lead to my glory.

  Ryan’s hands went to his hair as he pulled it while letting out a growl. My panties were suddenly soaked by the sound.

  "Oh my God!"

  I was so intoxicated by lust that nothing registered to me other than the pleasure I was bringing him. Before I even had the chance to do anything, Ryan's hands were on my shoulders, pushing me back and pulling me to my feet. Confused by the sudden change in mood, I glanced into Ryan's eyes, searching for answers. All that I found was shock. I stayed focused on his expression, hoping to find a reason for it, when his mouth drew my attention. As the words escaped them my front door slammed shut. That was the moment when it became clear what he was saying.

  "Your brother"

  "Oh, shit!"

  CHAPTER 9

  "Asher!" I screamed his name as I ran out my front door after him. Of course I pulled my shirt back on as I chased him down. It isn't like my brother to pop in, so I knew something was wrong. I had assumed my parents had told him about the night before, but knew I was very wrong when I got to his car, only to find him sitting in the front seat with tears filling his already swollen eyes.

  "I'm so sorry Kate. I didn't mean to just walk in on...."

  "Stop. It's fine, now please talk to me. What happened? What’s wrong? You're scaring me."

  He grabbed the wheel and the grip he had on it caused all of the veins to surface on his hands. His eyes only focused on what was straight ahead, never turning to look at me.

  I walked around the car and got in on the passenger side, closing the door behind me. I chose to stay quiet, letting him talk when he was ready. I saw Ryan step out from the house, look in our direction and then turn and walk back in. That is when it hit me how long we must have been sitting there. Ash didn't seem to even blink.

  I reached over to grab his hand, removing it from the wheel and resting it in mine.

  "What happened?"

  "She wouldn't wake up. Blood...."

  "Asher what the hell are you saying? Who wouldn't wake up? What blood?"

  He turned to look at me and said, "You can't tell Mom and Dad, Kate, promise me."

  "I promise. It’s just you and me Ash, what happened?"

  "I talked to her the night before last. She was going out with a bunch of her friends because one of them was back in town. I told her to call me when she was done so I could wish her a good night. When I didn't hear from her, I called several times. I was scared she was with him. That she was cheating on me, when the whole time she was lying in my bed, all alone."

  "You're not making sense. She didn't cheat on you; she went to your house to wait for you. What do you mean she wouldn't wake up?"

  "I didn't find her until last night when I got home. Her car was destroyed just sitting there. I lost my shit. I flew into the house, screaming her name but couldn't find her, until I went into my bedroom. She was lying on a pillow covered in blood and she wouldn't wake up. I freaked the fuck out Kate! I called 9-1-1 and waited for them with Sadie in my lap. We got her to the hospital and found she has severe trauma to her brain and is in a coma. Everything is so fucked up. She won't wake up!"

  'Holy shit' was on instant repeat in my head. He was so scared and so was I. I really couldn't imagine what he must be feeling.

  "So she is at the hospital, have they said anything about what could happen?"

  Watching my little brother fall apart right in front of me was my worst nightmare coming to life. He openly sobbed as he screamed, "NO! They still can't say anything. Her brain is too swollen and the tests can't find anything until it goes down. No one but me knows about the accident, Kate. She never drinks and drives. She always calls a cab. She has always been so responsible. He did this! He pushed her, when he knew she would question everything. Now look what happened and he isn't fucking anywhere to be found." He took in a deep breath that caused his whole body to tremble. "I'm going to lose her." And then he broke. I climbed over the console to hold my little brother and try to comfort him, having no idea how. So many questions went through my mind, but I couldn't ask one. I just sat there and held him until he stopped shaking.

  "I need to get back up to the hospital. Can you please cover for me with Mom and Dad? They can't know. I don't want them thinking she's a bad person or judging her in any way. Please Kate, I need this. I've got to go though, sorry I bothered you I just need
ed somebody to help me deal with all of this."

  "Ash, I'm here for you no matter what. Do you want me to come with you?"

  "No, I will be fine but I need to get back up there. I told her parents I was just getting something to eat."

  I hated having to open the door and get out. I wanted nothing more than to stay with him. He was falling apart.

  "Please take care of yourself. She will be okay, I just know it. You will have your girl and she is yours Ash. Yours."

  It was the last thing I got to say besides I love you before he was driving away.

  I stood in my driveway for a while, trying to except all that was happening. Sadie was in a coma. My brother was falling apart. What the hell kind of world do we live in if this is the kind of things that happen to us?

  Ryan must have noticed Ash's car drive away because he was at my side rubbing his hands up and down my arms, attempting to comfort me again. I was so tired of being weak and needing comfort. What I really needed was to be strong for my little brother and myself. Besides, as much as I wanted reassurance, I had promised not to say anything to anyone. I turned to look at Ryan and lied, "I'm okay, let’s go back inside."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Absolutely positive."

  Once we were back in the house, the mood changed drastically from where we were, prior to Ash walking in. I went to the kitchen to cook the ziti and Ryan plopped down on the couch.

  After it was done baking, we ate, but didn't say much. I was lost in thought of poor Sadie. What did he mean it was all someone else's fault? Who did what to her? All of these questions were running through my head. Was it the guy she was seeing before Asher?

  "I think I'm going to go ahead and go."

  Ryan broke my train of thought.

  "Why? Don't you want to stay again?"

  "More than anything, but I think it would be best if I go."

  "For who?"

  He came so close to kissing me that I think my lips were reaching for him.

  "Trouble has been coming for us lately when we get too close. I know you don't want me and I can accept that, but every time I have you, I only want more. I think we need some distance for a while."

  "Ryan..."

  He put his finger over my mouth to stop me.

  "I'm a big boy, I can handle it."

  He replaced his finger with his mouth and gave me the softest kiss, pulling my bottom lip as he broke away. He tapped my nose and stood to leave. That kiss left me speechless. The smile on his face made it obvious that he knew it too.

  "Take care of that head for me, pretty girl. I will talk to you later." He walked out the door and I wasn't sure things would ever again be as they once were between us.

  Sadie did end up being okay, thank the Lord above. It was two more days before she woke up. I'm not sure Ash could have taken anymore of the heartache he was enduring. When he called me to say she was cleared of any long term issues, I don't think I have ever heard him so happy. She even agreed to his crazy proposal of moving in with him and everything seemed right finally between them. I love her to death. She is truly the best thing that ever came into my brother's life.

  I, on the other hand, ran into Scott again the last time I went to my dad’s work. Some stupid part of me felt bad for thinking it was him that spiked my drink. So, like the idiot I am, I let him take me out on a date. We went to my favorite steak restaurant in town, and all he did was talk about himself. As if I didn't hear about trade stocks my whole life living with my parents. I survived the night but told him there wouldn't be another date, ever.

  Chris was still seeing Reed and Kara had yet to complete the house of the sadist. I wanted so badly to put a face to the man I had heard so much about, but she absolutely refused for any of us to know. You can imagine how that only boosted my curiosity. Ryan didn't avoid me like the last time, but he made sure we never were alone long enough for things to get out of hand. I love him, I really do, but I'm just not sure if I could ever be in love with him, which only made it harder to deal with what we had sexually.

  Ash called me asking if I could come over for a birthday party he was throwing for Sadie. It floored me how domesticated he had become since having her live there. My mom rarely had to do anything for him anymore, which is crazy! When I pulled up into the driveway, I ran into Sadie's mom.

  "Hello, you must me Kate, Ash's sister. I'm Linda, Sadie's mom."

  "Yes, it’s nice to meet you. Can I help you with anything?"

  "No, no, dear, I can handle all of this."

  She really only had a pie to carry but I would have helped her no matter what. We both walked toward the front door when it opened for us. Standing there were both my mother and Sadie.

  "I'm so excited to meet the woman who created such a blessing."

  "I wouldn't go that far." I looked at Sadie and smiled, letting her know I was just kidding but there was no way my mom was going to allow it to end there.

  "Kate, don't you ever say something so crude again."

  "Mom, I was kidding around. Besides, I adore Sadie. She just might be my little sister someday. Well, that is if Ash doesn't screw it up."

  "Kate!"

  "Sorry, mom. I'm going to find the boys. It was very nice to meet you Linda."

  I walked away laughing to myself. I love getting a rise out of my mother. She can be so serious sometime. Huh? Maybe that's where I got it from.

  I found the men out on the deck. Ash was barbequing with my dad while Sadie's dad was standing there with a shocked look on his face. I knew I walked into something that I probably shouldn't have but the silence was broken when her dad said, "You absolutely have my blessing. You're a lucky man but I think you already know that."

  With that, my jaw hit the floor. Did that just really happen? I looked from person to person in disbelief. The door opened and the women came filing out, one by one. My mom introduced Linda to my dad and then he went on and on about how beautiful they both were, just like my mom and me. Blah, blah, blah. My little brother is going to get married before I even find a man worth dating. I didn't want to not be happy for them because I absolutely was. He found the perfect girl for him. I was more jealous than anything.

  "Kate, do you want to see the new handbag I got? I just got it in the mail yesterday and I'm in love."

  "Sure. I will follow you."

  I needed to focus on something else and a new bag will do it for sure. When we made it through the door, she closed it behind herself and spun on me.

  "I really didn't get a new bag. I just wanted to rescue you from the conversation. You looked miserable."

  Shit! How was I supposed to get out of this one?

  "Thank you. You're awesome. I just can't stand all the love and mushy conversation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against people being happy. I just had another awful date with my boyfriend last night. He's an asshole and I don't think I can do this anymore with him."

  Truth is there was no boyfriend and I was at home last night by myself, but I couldn't tell her that.

  "Then don't. You're too perfect to be giving yourself to someone who doesn't appreciate you."

  "Thank you. It’s just, ah, I feel like I'm giving up."

  I wasn't sure how long I could keep this up, so I thanked God himself when Ash walked in and asked what we were talking about.

  "Nothing, just girl stuff."

  "Well, food’s ready. Let’s eat."

  He so didn't have to tell me twice. I knew what my mom brought over, add in barbeque and I was golden.

  We all sat down to eat when Sadie said we were acting like crack heads over left overs. Boy she had a lot to learn about my mother's food. One bite shoved in her mouth by Ash had her singing a different tune completely.

  "Whatever is left over of that is mine."

  Haha! She was now an official junkie herself. We all laughed and then went on to eat. Not much was said, but that was only because we were all too busy consuming whatever our stomachs could handle.

  App
arently practice makes perfect, because Sadie looked miserable when it was all said and done. She and her parents collapsed on the couch moaning. My mom and I went to the kitchen to start boxing things up for the leftovers. Sadie eventually joined us, when in hindsight I'm sure she would have rather stayed on the couch than hear my mom question her about her job. Which then led into how her and Ash ended up living out their childhood dreams. Damn, the conversations around these women could jump. The only thing I wanted to make sure of is that she understood her fairytale was happening now. She just needed to open her eyes and realize it. I know if it happened for me I would relish in every second.

  Everyone started to pack up and leave. My family and now I guess hers knew he was taking her on a trip in the morning. The only surprise for me was what he planned on doing during their vacation. I gave kisses and hugs to everyone and then left.

  Once I got in my car, I realized I was not ready to go home in the slightest and be by myself again. One call to Kara and the gang was being rounded up. This time, Chad picked the place. There was a field not far from Chad and Kara's house where occasionally we would make a bonfire. On a chilly night like this one, it made for a great idea.

  I got to their house about five minutes later and walked in the front door screaming that I had arrived when I heard Kara also screaming, but hers were of a different nature. "Oh my God! Ewww!"

  I don't think they heard me or if they did, they felt no need to stop. I turned back around, ran out the front door and went back to waiting in my car. Chris and Reed pulled up a couple minutes later, thank God. I got out and gave them both a huge hug. I think this has been the longest Chris had kept anyone around; it helped a lot that Reed was adorable.

  "What's up, girl? You’re looking great as always."

  "Thank you stud, same to you. How have you been?