Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  "That was mean."

  "No, that was to get you to stop thinking so hard and it was the truth. Now I know where Ash gets it from. Neither of you could carry a note if your life depended on it."

  "That's not true at all. I don't know about my brother but I can sing and well I might add."

  "Baby, you can't and you shouldn't. It's painful to hear. Let’s just turn off the radio so you're not tempted to continue. I'm good with just talking, or silence can be the best therapy."

  He reached over and turned off the radio just like he said he would. Pharrell Williams was just starting to sing “Because I'm Happy” and I love that song. I went right behind him and turned it all the way up, screaming "Clap along..." I looked over at Tony as he laughed at me hysterically. "Clap along..." I was clapping right along with the song, singing my heart out and smiling like I hadn't in what felt like years.

  We pulled into Tony’s garage, but he left the car running until the song played out. Once it was over, he turned the car off and fell back in his seat laughing again, this time I joined him. I'm not sure what came over me, but I found myself crawling over the small space and straddling his lap.

  "What got into you, firecracker?"

  "Firecracker? Where did that come from?"

  "It just came to me but it couldn't be more fitting for you. A firecracker is something irresistible. Walking into the situation, you know there is an undoubtable risk of getting burned, yet you still can't help but light the wick. Even knowing the thrill of it may only last a few minutes, it will always be worth the chance you take to receive it. I think I just found your new name."

  "I don't like it."

  "Too bad."

  He took my neck in his hands with his thumbs resting on my chin and brought my mouth to his. With most men you have to try to read what they want in a kiss or you're trying to get them to understand what you want from it. With Tony, none of that ever happened. From the first time his lips met mine, we were in sync. I loved the way he took my bottom lip and dragged his teeth across it. The shift in his seat and moan from his chest confirmed me sucking on his top lip was his trigger. Our tongues grazed each other’s and I wanted so much more of him. I loved his mouth and the power I held with it. I pulled back just enough so that our warm breath would meet on our now cold lips. Tony leaned in for more but I pulled back just slightly, enjoying him pant and almost beg for it. Teasing him wasn't the best idea, I learned, when he grabbed a hold of my face again and smashed his mouth to mine. Kissing him was everything I needed. His hands then went to my upper thigh as he started grinding himself into me. I could feel how ready he was for me, which only added to my need. His grip on me tightened. I raised my arms, letting him know what I wanted to happen next. He pulled my top over my head, bringing his face into my chest. He pulled each breast from its cup, letting my swollen nipples free. Suckling each one with his mouth, he was taking turns not to avoid the attention I desperately needed. I ground myself harder into him. His head fell back against the headrest as I simulated what it was I wanted so badly. My hands were on his shoulders while I stared into his eyes. My God he was beautiful. The friction from rubbing back and forth brought on a climax I never saw coming. As each muscle spasmed, my grip on Tony grew tighter. My mouth fell open as I rode it out to the finish. I never looked away from him. Watching his expression as my body constricted took it to a whole new level.

  "That was the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life."

  Embarrassment set in when I realized I just dry humped him like a teenager.

  "I doubt that."

  "I'm not getting into this with you now. Get up. We are getting out of this tiny ass car, I'm going to fuck you like you have never been fucked before and then I'm going to find a new car, with a bigger front seat. The next time you go somewhere with me, I will have you against the steering wheel like I wanted to do just now."

  "Are you really talking about shopping for a new car, Big Man?"

  We had both gotten out and I was walking toward the door, into the house when Tony grabbed me and threw me against his car, just as he said he would. My hands landed on the hood, while he jerked my jeans down to my ankles. Pulling my hips back, he slammed himself into me with blunt force. I bent my knees slightly, opening up to be able to take more of him. Tony was holding on to my shoulders, pulling my body back to meet his. Each trust had me seeing stars.

  "My God woman, you feel so good."

  I was speechless aside from the little "Uuuhhhh and ohhhh's" that escaped me. His hands traveled down my back ending at my ass but he never broke pace. He started to rub my cheeks as he continued to thrust into me.

  "I don't want to surprise you, or scare you, but I want you to let go and try something for me."

  I was so caught up in the moment that I would have said yes to anything he said.

  Whack.

  Except that! I stifled a cry when instantly he massaged the same spot he had just hit. He never let up on his rhythm either. Some part of this felt good, I just wasn't sure what it was.

  Whack.

  Again he massaged the spot.

  Whack.

  This time, a moan came from a foreign part of my soul, that was getting great pleasure from this form of torture. As he massaged my ass, his hands moved closer and closer to the very hole he was fucking into oblivion.

  Whack.

  That was by far the hardest he had hit me yet but it felt the best. As he rubbed the dull pain out, I found myself longing for the next blow but he held off. Continuing his rampage on me, I was ready to beg for him to do it again. The thought of his hand coming down on me had me dripping from the inside. The massage was nothing now compared to the feeling of him being in total control and me having none, I loved it. I wanted more of it.

  Hammering into me with a pace I knew very well, meant he was about to explode. His thrusts quickened even more. Just as I was expecting him to fill me up, his hand came down harder than ever.

  Whack.

  He threw me into the most mind blowing, earth shattering, legs give out beneath you kind of orgasm.

  My body went limp against his car while he laid himself on top of me. Both of us were panting and trying to even our breathing out. I'm not sure how long we stayed in that position, but Tony was the first one to move. He pulled out of me, grabbed my arms and brought me back to standing. My pants were still around my ankles but not for long. Tony helped me with pulling them back up, until...

  "What the hell is that?"

  "What?"

  I had no idea what had him so upset.

  "That!"

  Concern flooded me. What was he talking about?

  "You can keep screaming at me but you will continue getting the same response. I don't know what you want me to say."

  "I'm sorry I yelled at you but I need to know what happened. I know your body Kate and prior to leaving this house it was unflawed, now you have an enormous bruise on your left leg and I want to know how it got there. If he put his fucking hands on you I will...."

  How I forgot about falling is a question I can't answer.

  "No! Ryan didn't do this, I fell."

  He looked at me with disgust and rage. I had never seen this side of him and I didn’t like it one bit.

  "You better come up with a better story than that. It’s the oldest excuse in the book."

  "I swear! Look, I'm not doing this. I have no reason to lie and you have no reason to not believe me. He is one of the best men I have ever met. He's also one of my best friends. You will not accuse him of anything and I swear to God, if you touch him I will hate you forever."

  I was screaming at him but I didn't care. What we had would be over before it really began if he thought about hurting Ryan. I had done enough of that myself lately.

  "I don't even know where to go with that little speech. Should I start with the fact that you have in fact lied before, so why would I think this would be different? Or, the fact that you're acting like what we have isn't worth s
hit and you’re ready to toss me to the fucking curb for worrying about you? Either one is just as screwed up, so why don't you pick."

  I have never been so frustrated and hurt at the same time. Just coming off the high from the best sex in my life, I was now facing a conversation I wasn’t prepared to have.

  "I'm not picking anything, I'm leaving."

  "That's just great, Kate! Prove me right. You run from your problems and I'm not worth the fight."

  "That's not it and you know it! Having concern for someone is not shown by screaming at them. Why would I want to stand here saying the same thing over and over? You didn't believe me the first time I told you, so why would I continue. I may lie about little, stupid, unimportant things, but I told you the truth. As far as you being worth something, kiss my ass. I have given everything to you, for you. I gave up my best friends tonight for you. Do you think all of them will forgive me for breaking Ryan's heart yet again? They warned me to stay away from him, I didn't listen! So now I have lost him, them and you. Don't fucking tell me I'm running away, I'm not running anywhere. I'm walking. And you can go fuck yourself in the meantime!"

  I walked right past him, into the house, grabbed my stuff and was walking toward the door when I saw him standing in the kitchen watching me. I didn't miss a step. I opened the front door, got in my car and left.

  He never ran after me like I hoped. He didn't even start frantically calling me to tell me how sorry he was. He simply let me go and I was the one supposedly tossing him to the side. Bullshit.

  I cried myself to sleep, in a bed I once found comfort in. Now it felt cold and empty. All I wanted was the one man who wouldn't fight for me, imagine that. I sure know how to pick them.

  CHAPTER 16

  The weekend went by without a word. I called Kara, needing someone to tell me it was going to be okay. What I got was a bunch of I told you so's. She also understood that Tony made me happy and Ryan needed to stop pushing me. I wasn't sure I agreed about the Ryan situation, but I needed to work that out myself. Well, she was all for Tony until I told her how the rest of the night panned out.

  "He what?"

  "I know. What was I supposed to say to him?"

  "How about I picked you?"

  "Are you not hearing me? I did."

  "Well then I don't know what to tell you. It's obvious he was insecure of what you and Ryan have. Why else would he ask if he had a chance, claim you as his to make it official¸ attempt to knock you into submission so he couldn't lose you, paint Ryan in his mind as toxic for you and also beg you, just not in the right way, to prove to him you wouldn't leave him?"

  "And then I walked away."

  "And then you walked away."

  "Damn, I never looked at it that way. I hurt him too didn't I?"

  "I'm not going to make him flawless here, he made a lot of mistakes too, but yes, I believe you probably did."

  "He didn't even try to fight for me!"

  "What did you show him was left to fight for?"

  "Touché."

  "So now what? He hurt me too."

  "Where there is love there is pain or something like that. It isn't real unless it hurts sometimes, Kate. It doesn't make it right, but someone is going to have to give in or it's over. Are you ready for that?"

  "No."

  "Then do something about it."

  That conversation played in my head all week long but I never came up with any ideas to fix it. As each day passed, it became harder to convince myself to try. He wasn't showing me there was anything left to fight for either.

  It was Thursday night when I got home from work and found a letter taped to my door. I waited to open it until I was sitting at my kitchen table, with a bottle of wine available to me. I knew I would need it when I was done.

  Firecracker,

  I'M SORRY.

  Love, Tony

  I was prepared for a long drawn out explanation. A pour your heart out into a letter type of thing. What I got was “I'm sorry”? That's it?

  A knock on the door pulled my attention away from the pathetic excuse of an apology. I got up knowing it was him. My hands started to shake as I unlocked the door and opened it. Sure enough, there he was, sexy as ever, but something was missing. He didn't have the cocky grin nor was he standing tall, looking unbreakable as usual. In fact he looked just as broken as I felt.

  "Can I help you?"

  "I really hope you can."

  "Would you like to come in?"

  "More than anything."

  I opened the door further and watched as he entered and passed me. I closed it then followed him to the couch he chose to sit on.

  We sat there just staring at each other. I couldn't look away. He infuriates me, but the pull I have for him at this point could be considered unbreakable. I took in every feature. His eyes, they almost shined they were so pretty. His cheekbones looked as if they were painted on they were so defined. None of those came close to holding a candle against his lips.

  "Kate, we need to talk. I can't be this close to you and let things stay like they are."

  He was saying something but I was too focused on his lips to hear what it was.

  "I don't know what is going on with you and Ryan. I know I said it was not my business, but I need to understand it."

  I was still in a trance. Every time his mouth would move I would remember....

  "Kate."

  He snapped me out of my dream world and slammed me back into reality.

  "Are you hearing me at all? Because if you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to take you right here and make you forgive me that way. I was hoping we could talk before that happens."

  "I'm listening."

  "So like I said, help me understand."

  "Understand what?"

  "See, you weren't listening at all. What I said was, tell me about you and Ryan."

  "I have. We all met at college. He and Chris are Chad's best friends. The three of them moved here when we graduated and we all have been close since."

  "You know what I'm asking and the fact that you want to avoid telling me is only proving that I have had something to worry about from the very beginning."

  "Do the details matter? I told you I wanted you, that I was yours. That should have been enough. What ever happened between Ryan and me doesn't have anything to do with you."

  "It does when he has you crying. It absolutely does when I see a huge welt on your leg. When he throws shot glasses across a table while I'm there, he has brought me into it. You may not want me to know but he sure as hell does."

  In some ass backward way, Tony was making sense. The only way I could convince him I was telling him the truth, would be to tell him all of it.

  "Ryan was always my closest guy friend. He was always there for me when the guys I dated broke my heart. He knew best how to pick me back up and make it better. That was our routine. The last guy took the cake. Jarrett and I were together almost a year when we broke up. He didn't take it well. He broke the windows out of one of my cars and slashed the tires on the other. Ryan and I were walking into my house when Jarrett showed up and started calling me awful names. Ryan beat the crap out of him and went to jail because of it. When he got out that night, all of our emotions were at a high. We made the mistake of sleeping together. Only later I learned I was the only one who felt that way. Ryan confessed he has been in love with me since college. He in turn wants me to be happy and knows you are the one that does that. He just wishes it was him."

  "Okay, that was way different than I painted him."

  "What did you think he was like?"

  "Not a guy I would feel sorry for and never would I have thought I would respect him."

  "He really is a great guy, Tony. He never would have hurt me on purpose. I fell, just like I told you I did."

  "So after all he has done for you and all the times he has been there, you have no feelings for him?"

  The deadly question is finally here. Do I tell him the truth?

 
"I love him."

  "Well then, that's what I came to find out. Thanks for letting me apologize and..."

  "Not the way you're thinking. I don't know what could've happened if I would have tried, but I didn't. Risking our friendship was too much. I need him and if it didn't work, not only would I lose him but all of our friends would suffer from it as well. I never let it go any further than that one night."

  "I think you need to decide what it is you really want or who."

  "I already have, I chose you. You just didn't believe me."

  "You're right, it was too hard to believe, but I'm sorry. I’ve thought about it all week. I can't get you out of my head. I don't want to lose you, Kate. Let me start over. Let me show you that I meant what I said, I'm not giving up."

  "You hurt me."

  He was next to me in a second, holding my face in his huge hands, boring into my eyes.

  "I want to make it right, please let me."

  I closed my eyes and that was all the answer he needed. He pressed his lips softly next to mine, slowly taking my top and then my bottom lip. He dragged his tongue between them, begging for me to open and give him mine. At first I didn't, I'm not sure if I was still mad or if I wanted to just make him beg but he never gave up. Eventually, I opened my mouth and when my tongue met his, all of the drama was forgotten.

  Eventually, I pulled back, needing to clear my head a little. I could get lost in those lips and I didn't want to this time. I needed him to understand some things.

  "Is something wrong, baby?"

  "That's what I need to know. Are you going to do this again or will you believe me next time? I don't want to continue if this is how it’s going to be."

  "I'm going to cherish you like you deserve."

  "That's what I need you to prove."

  Several weeks went by and I still hadn't heard back from Ryan. I had tried calling, texting, you name it, I did it. He never responded. Kara told me that he went back home for a while to visit his family. I hated how we left things and I needed to know that he was okay.

  Tony and I were better than we ever had been. He surprised me with flowers at work, he took me on a different date each week, never giving me any hint on what it would be. He was trying to be the perfect man, what he didn’t know, was he already was in my eyes.