Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  My dad looked so sad when he walked over to the other side of the bed, leaned down and kissed me cheek.

  "We love you so much and just want you to get better."

  "I am better, Dad. I just lost my head there for a little bit."

  He didn't say anything. He just stood back up and walked over to my mom. Ash got out of the bed and said, "Remember to stay strong. You have a niece and nephew that are missing their Auntie Kate already. The sooner you get out of here the sooner you can hold them again."

  The thought of those little babies caused my heart to hurt. To think I almost didn't get to see them again.

  "I will be out of here today if they will let me.”

  All three of their faces fell and then my mother said, "We love you so much baby."

  All of a sudden, two doctors walked in and introduced themselves as psychiatric specialists. My eyes searched for reason in my family, but they showed nothing but remorse. Within a minute they were asked to leave and I was being put in a wheelchair and pushed to the elevator doors. As they opened and then closed again, I asked, "I'm just going here for you to ask me questions? Like I said, why couldn't you ask me in my room?"

  "It is procedure ma’am."

  Nothing was making sense. My parents and brother obviously knew what was going to happen or they wouldn't have looked so sad, but I was lost. Psychiatric patients were crazy. Oh, shit! They all think I'm crazy.

  The elevator doors opened again and then I was being pushed to a room where they turned me to face them and then picked me up and put me in a new bed. My IV was still in, so they wheeled that over to the side of the bed and then asked if there was anything else that I needed at the moment. Really, they needed to ask?

  "Yes please, I would like some answers."

  "And so would we."

  One doctor left with the wheelchair, while the other one sat down in the chair across the room from me. He stared at me as if I knew what he wanted to hear. Fat chance.

  "Can you tell me what happened the day your friend was shot?"

  Hell no! I didn't want to relive any of that day.

  "I take it your silence should speak volumes. Kate, the longer you wait to talk to me about this, the longer you will remain in my care."

  Was he serious? I was getting better and all he was going to do was bring me down again.

  "I'm waiting and will continue to do so until you are ready. I'm in no hurry here but I'm guessing you are."

  "What do you want me to say?"

  "I want you to say what you want to say."

  "I don't want to say anything."

  "Well then this is going to be a long friendship."

  He stood, putting his pad of paper down on the seat of the chair and started for the door, when panic set in. I didn't want to stay here. I'm not crazy.

  "I will tell you it all if it means I don't have to stay here."

  He stopped and turned toward me.

  "Then let’s get started."

  He turned and walked back to the chair he was previously sitting in and grabbed for his paper.

  "Let’s start from that day and we will go from there."

  "Ryan woke me up... "

  CHAPTER 26

  After three days of lockdown I was ready to pull my own hair out. It wasn't really lockdown per se, but I was stuck in a room, other than when we ate. Apparently they didn't believe that I wasn't trying to kill myself. Truthfully, after hearing it out of my own mouth, I wasn't as sure anymore myself. It wasn't premeditated, but at the time, I had slipped into such a deep depression, I couldn't pull myself out of it. Dr. Eisner had helped me more than I thought possible.

  "Good afternoon, Kate. I see you’re having a better day than last."

  He walked in cheery every day to greet me.

  "I didn't have a bad day yesterday?"

  "No, you didn't, but your smile is even brighter today."

  I found myself blushing. Blushing! Something I never thought could happen again.

  "So, there has been a man visiting every evening around the same time, asking to see you. I haven't felt it was a good idea to bring you this information before, but now I believe you're in a place where you can handle it. He also asked that I give you this."

  He handed me an MP3 player.

  "I can have this in here? I thought all devices were confiscated."

  "I'm making an exception this time. He also gave me a letter to go with it. I am sorry to say that I opened and read it, but that's part of the rules I can't break."

  I took the letter and went to open it, when he stopped me saying, "I think you should listen to the song first."

  "Why?"

  "Because the letter discusses it. Now, I'm not going to give away anymore. I need to go check on some other patients but I will come back in a little bit."

  "I will be on my best behavior, I promise."

  "I know you will. I trust you."

  He walked out the door and closed it behind him. I looked down at the MP3, wondering what song he picked. I knew it was Tony being relentless. He was probably out of his mind when he found out they had taken me here.

  I pressed play and as soon as I heard the introduction, I was crying like a baby. I have always loved this song but for the first time, I really took in the words Coldplay wrote when putting together “Fix You”. Nothing could pull it all out of me like that song had just done. The fact that Tony could choose “Fix You” for me showed so much of his intentions. He could have run away and I never would have blamed him. Talking to Dr. Eisner over the last few days has helped me process all of the anger I was holding onto. He said I was punishing Tony for all of the men that had let me down before by refusing to forgive. I didn't agree. I pled my case to the best of my ability, but did not prevail. Doc explained that he may have hurt me but his reasons were pure.

  I held the paper in my hand, turning it over and over, hoping to not get bad news. Eventually, I forced myself to open it.

  Kate,

  I don't know where to start. I hope they are helping you cope with your pain. God knows I’m responsible for some of that myself. I just pray that someday I can get to be the guy you run to again. I want to be the man that you used to believe I was. The man whose promises meant something. The man who you trust to fix you. The last thing you could ever be is broken, so please don’t take what I’m saying that way.

  Kate, you are the most amazing, caring, loving, beautiful woman on the inside and out.

  I knew from the second I saw you on that dance floor that I had to know at least your name. From that night on, you filled my every thought. What would she be like, what does she do for a job, what would it take for me to get her out on a date? After I found those answers, I had even more questions. What can I do to make her smile like that again, how can I make sure she knows I'm different than every other guy she's dated, how can I convince her to spend the rest of her life with me?

  I haven't found the answers to all of those yet, but I'm willing to spend my forever searching for them. You just need to get better, so I can get to work.

  I love you so much, Firecracker,

  Your Big Man

  I set the paper down on the bed and smiled like I hadn't in months. As much as I wanted to hate him, I couldn't. I never could. I love him like I have never loved before and know that I never will find love like his again. He's it for me. I just needed to learn how to trust him again and I was not fool enough to believe that would be accomplished easily.

  Dr. Eisner came back into my room and sat in his usual chair.

  "So, how are you feeling?"

  "Hopeful."

  It was his turn to smile and it was the cutest thing to see. The same man that once was intimidating now seemed so sweet and kind.

  "That is the best answer I could ever have asked for."

  It was my turn to smile again.

  "Kate, I have a few more questions for you and I need you to stay open and honest with me."

  "Sounds good, Doc. Br
ing it on."

  He looked at me a little longer than was comfortable, so I knew I wasn't going to like where this was going.

  "With all of the stress you have been through over the last few months, do you remember having a menstrual cycle?"

  "What kind of question is that? I'm on the pill and have a period every twenty eight days."

  "Have you still been having your periods?"

  "Yes. Why are you asking me this?"

  "Kate, you are pregnant."

  I had a response ready until I heard what he said. All words failed me as I took it in. Pregnant? How could I be pregnant? I haven't had sex in months. I have only been with Tony for the last year and he's sterile. This was some kind of sick joke.

  "That's not funny Doc, try another one on me. I might laugh next time."

  "Kate, listen to me. You are Pregnant. You have been pregnant."

  "Now who needs to be in the patient seat for the crazy people? I can't be pregnant. It would take having sex first of all and with a man that's not sterile from chemotherapy. Somewhere your tests went wrong."

  "Stand up."

  "Why?"

  "Stand up."

  I got off of the bed and stood right in front of him.

  "What now?"

  "Lift your shirt and look at your stomach."

  I lifted my shirt as I was told and looked down at my stomach. There was a small pooch of fat that I had gained back and still a little swelling from malnutrition but otherwise nothing.

  "What do you expect me to see?"

  "The almost four month old baby growing inside of you."

  "Bullshit! That's not possible. It's just not."

  How? How? It's the only word replaying in my head. Birth control, sterility, it's not possible.

  "I want an ultrasound."

  "That I can do. Are you willing to except the possibility?"

  "If there is such a thing as a miracle then yes."

  "I will be back in a few minutes with the tech that will be doing the scan. Kate," he stood and put his hands on my shoulders looking me in the eye, "can you handle this? I don't want to take a step back. We have made way too much progress to go back now."

  "I can do this."

  "All right, I will be right back."

  He walked out of the room and closed the door once more, leaving me to myself. If there is a baby inside of me, I'm going to be a mom, A MOM! Something I always wanted, but accepted would never happen unless we adopted. That means Tony would have fathered his own child. This is unbelievable but only if true, I needed that ultrasound.

  Four months! Oh my God! What have I done? It all was coming back to me. The morning sickness, the lack of energy, the emotional rollercoaster and the food consumption. All the signs were there. And then there is the alcohol and the lack of food or water for the baby, for all of those days! What have I done? The one miracle God granted me and I treated it awful. It's my job to care and nurture and yet I was destructive. I started to cry as I rested my hands over my belly for the first time. I'm going to be this child's mother. Now I could only pray that I hadn't done too much irreversible damage.

  Dr. Eisner came back in the room and asked me, "How are you feeling, Kate?"

  "Scared."

  "Of what?"

  "All of it. What have I done? Did I hurt the baby with all of my choices? Knowing I'm somebody's mother, it's all scary."

  "It should be scary, it's life altering. But you're ready to see the baby for the first time, correct?"

  "Absolutely."

  He went back out in the hall and helped the tech wheel in the machine. There was so much stuff. I think it would have been easier for me to go to it, but I'm not the Doc making the calls here.

  I was told to lay down on the bed while they plugged it all in and got it up and running. Shortly after, the tech lifted my shirt and squirted a gel onto my belly. The monitor came on, but the screen was black. Once the wand in her hand made contact with my skin, I could see it. There was a baby inside my body as clear as day. What an unreal emotion. It's impossible to describe to you. Not only did I think we would never have children together, but the fact I was on birth control and it was four months ago! Looking at my baby for the first time was the most beautiful experience I will ever have. I wished Tony could be here to see this. He was going to be the happiest man alive.

  "What are you thinking, Kate?"

  "That I wish Tony could be here to share this with me."

  "That a girl."

  I looked back over to the screen and stared as the baby shifted and moved around. This is amazing!

  I never wanted it to end but the tech turned off the monitor and Doc helped her wheel it back out of the room.

  This was all so surreal. I couldn’t wait to tell my mom and Kara and Sadie. Wait...

  All of a sudden I was brought back to that night in my room, when my mother was asking me, "How long have you known?" She knew! I wondered if they all did. Was I the last one to find out that I was pregnant? Did they think I knew and was trying to hurt my baby on purpose? This is bullshit! I would never EVER hurt my own child. NEVER! To think, my own mother was surprised at my bedside when she said, "You don't know!" How could they all believe I would do something so unforgivable?

  Dr. Eisner came back in and sat down without speaking. He watched me for a minutes and then said, "A lot of emotions have been felt today. How are you handling all of this?"

  "How many people know?"

  "Of the pregnancy?"

  "Yes. How many already know? My mother does, I remember her asking me how long I had known. It didn't make any sense then but now, it's all so clear. Who else? My father, brother, does Tony know?"

  "I understand you are upset. Being able to witness your reaction first hand, I know that you had no idea. But none of us were certain of that when you first came to the hospital. It was clearly obvious from a physical standpoint and then the blood work results came back."

  "How many?"

  "Only your parents. As an adult, your privacy is protected by law. That is until you are a threat to yourself. Then the decisions are forwarded to someone else who has your best interest in mind. I promise you it is only the two of them. We are not at liberty to share information with anyone other than that."

  "Did you really think I knew and would hurt my own baby?'

  "We weren't certain. After getting to know you, I can say without a doubt that you would never."

  That one sentence meant the world to me.

  "Thank you."

  My hands went back to my bump that I now understood wasn't malnutrition. I started to laugh causing Doc to look at me funny.

  "What has caused that reaction?"

  "It's just that when my best friend Kara found me, she said I looked like I had an Ethiopian baby belly from malnutrition."

  "Well she had the baby belly part right. The malnutrition only caused it to be more apparent."

  "I know that now. It's just funny. So much has happened in the last two weeks. I'm glad something positive can be brought from all the pain."

  "Would you like to know the health of the baby?"

  "Yes!"

  There was no thought prior to that answer. I needed to know it was going to be all right.

  "It's smaller than it should be, because you weren't taking care of yourself like you need to, and that happens. Otherwise, you have a very strong, very healthy baby."

  Tears fell from my eyes as I walked over to Doc and hugged him for the first time. He was shocked at first, but then I felt his arms wrap around me and squeeze. He pulled back, looked at me again and said, "Are you ready to get out of here?"

  "Really?!"

  "Really. I have no issue with your mental health. You are going to make one fine mother, Kate."

  "I can't wait to tell Tony."

  "That was going to be the last thing I asked you. Would you like to tell him in private or would you like me to be there? It's up to you."

  "What do you think?"


  "I'm a little concerned with the sterility issue. I have no doubt that man loves you but something tells me this is going to hit him hard."

  "Will you ask him to come here? Is he allowed?"

  "Patients can have visitors."

  "I could have?"

  "No, not you."

  He was smiling.

  "You make no sense, Doc."

  "Coming from the girl on the psych floor."

  I laughed out loud on that one. It was almost as though we were becoming more friends than doctor/patient. I never would have thought I would end up in a place like this, but to all of those that judge, it's the best thing they could have done for me.

  "Do you need me to give you his number?"

  This time it was Doc who laughed out loud.

  "No dear, I have him practically on speed dial. You have no idea how many times a day we have spoken. That man is relentless when it comes to you."

  I smiled again and it felt so good.

  "Yes, he is."

  Two hours later, my door opened and the Greek God that I met that very first night on the dance floor walked into my room. He was flawless. Seeing him, knowing how happy he was going to be when I told him, made me smile from ear to ear.

  "Hey there, good looking."

  I jumped up from my bed and into his arms. It had been so long since I felt him wrap me up in them.

  "Well, this is a pleasant surprise."

  "I missed you."

  His hold on me got tighter.

  "I missed the hell out of you too."

  The sound of someone clearing their throat was heard and then, "I see you two have met."

  Tony let me go and then held his hand out to Doc and shook it.

  "Good to see you again, Dr. Eisner."

  "The pleasure is all mine, Tony."

  Tony looked back over at me and I could tell he was unsure of the reason he was called to come here.

  "I have something to tell you and I asked Doc to be here for support."

  He took a step back and I could see his posture firm up. I wanted to take all of his worry away; I just wasn't sure how to go about doing it. I looked at Doc for help, when he said, "Why don't we all go to a meeting room where we might be more comfortable?"