Cocktails at Seven, Apocalypse at Eight: The Derby Cavendish Stories

by Don Bassingthwaite

  “Does he know about—?” I tapped a finger meaningfully against my teeth.

  “Naturally,” said Richard. “You think that little romp in the hotel is the only thing keeping him in line? These hypocritical types have so much trouble handling the truth about themselves that the truth about the world completely blows their minds. But he’ll come around. Really, we’re doing him a favour. It turns out that beneath all that bluster, Bobby is a kinky little fucker.” He smiled at the preacher, who nodded stiffly in return. Without turning his head, Richard added, “He’s wearing an assless rubber singlet under his clothes right now. You can give him a go later if that’s what you’re into.”

  “It’s not and you know it.”

  Richard shrugged. “You can’t blame a girl for trying. How about your little friend? No? Too bad.”

  “Oh, be nice!” said Stephen. A server emerged from the kitchen with an ice-lined tray of freshly shucked oysters. He waved her over. “Try these, Derby, then tell us how you’ve been.” Stephen took the tray from the server and led by example, knocking back two of the mollusks before offering them to me. “We’ve heard so many things they can’t possibly all be true.”

  I took the tray and chose my words with care as I looked over the oysters. “I suppose that depends what you’ve heard.”

  Stephen and Richard giggled in unison, then stiffened like dogs spotting a squirrel. “Doorbell!” said Stephen. “New guest!”

  “Be right back!” said Richard.

  “Keep the motor running,” Michael told Matt, then all three Bears were flitting away.

  “Vampires?” Matt asked.

  “I told you they aren’t what you think.”

  “That’s for sure.”

  “Judgey.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” said Matt. “What was with oysters? Vampires are supposed to only drink blood.”

  “That’s what just about everyone believes. But fresh oysters are still alive if you get them right after they’re shucked and apparently that’s close enough. The Bears go through them like shooters every year.” I offered the tray to Matt. “Did you tell Michael anything?”

  “No, but only because I don’t know anything—he pumped me like cheap gas.” Matt fixed me with a baleful glare. “Spill, Derby.”

  There was no helping it. Leaving Matt entirely in the dark now would only put him in danger, so I told him about the Three Bears’ blackmail network and the special guests at the party. Matt cursed, then screwed up his face and looked around. The ogress noticed and gave him a coy smile. Matt shivered.

  “Now, now,” I admonished him. “Ashley may have terrible gaydar but she’s lovely. The Bears are the ones we need to worry about.” I offered him the tray again. “Have an oyster.”

  Eyes still sweeping the room, Matt took one and slurped it back without paying much attention—then made a face. “Ugh,” he said. “Sand in the shell.”

  “Impossible. I know the caterer, Thoe. She’s a nereid so she knows her seafood. She’d never let that happen.” I tilted the tray to catch the light, but Matt was right. Several of the remaining oysters had visible grit around the meat. Instead of being dark, however, the grains were bright and metallic. Matt blinked.

  “Is that silver dust?” His eyes went wide. “Derby, is someone trying to kill the Three Bears?”

  “If they are, they’re doing a lousy job of it,” I said. “Silver only hurts the undead in films and bad novels. It doesn’t take much to find that out—we’re dealing with someone who can’t be bothered to do research. That’s just unprofessional.”

  “Wait,” Matt said. “If the Bears are as nasty as you say, would it be so bad if someone did manage to kill them off?”

  “It’s not so simple as that,” I said. “The Bears are prepared and they’ve made no secret about it: if they die, every bit of dirt they have on anyone floods out into the world. If they go down, everyone goes down. No one can kill them and everyone has an interest in keeping them, to use the term loosely, alive.”

  “Including you?” Matt asked quietly.

  The question left me thunderstruck. I stared at Matt in silent surprise. He rolled his eyes. “Give me some credit, Derby. How long have I been your friend? I can tell when you’re up to something. You’ve been avoiding bringing me as a guest to Bears’ party for years, even though I’ve begged you and the invitations clearly say ‘and guest’—yes, I know about that. Then suddenly you invite me this year, but the first thing the Bears comment on when I’m through the door is that I’m not Tarik. You’re trying to protect him, aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” I confessed.

  “And you wish you were the one trying to kill the Bears.”

  “I told you, Matthew, no one can kill them without putting everyone they’re blackmailing at risk.”

  “Well, somebody clearly doesn’t have your moral compass, Derby Cavendish,” said Matt. He pulled me into a quick, proud hug. “Besides which, I happen to know that you would never be capable of killing anyone.”

  “You’re absolutely right,” I said with complete honestly. “Killing the Bears wasn’t something I ever considered.”

  Bless Matt, he can be perceptive but he doesn’t always look below the surface. He stepped back with a smile on his face. “So what do we do about this silver dust?”

  I sighed, trying to put on a show of reluctance. “We tell the Bears about it.”

  ※

  Across the party, Richard, Stephen, and Michael were still in the process of greeting their newest arrival. Matt latched on to my arm as we approached. “Derby!” he whispered. “That’s—”

  “I know.” I shook him off. Richard spotted us and made a show of waving us over.

  “Matthew, Derby,” he said, “this is another first-time guest to our little party. A mutual friend—you know Ashley, I think—suggested we invite him. His name is Horse.”

  “We’ve met,” I said and shook Horse’s hand with an affection I didn’t need to feign. To mundane eyes, Horse looks like a massive bodybuilder. With the veil of glamour stripped away, he’s an even more massive minotaur with heavy horns and only slightly bovine features. We met under difficult circumstances a couple of years ago. Specifically, he’d been transported into a cursed Christmas tree labyrinth to kill me. We’d come to an understanding however, and had instead spent the night huddled together for warmth with the added bonus of sex so mind-blowingly hot that we’d actually renewed our acquaintance a few times since. DTF, NSA, NSFW, BBC. He’s not called “Horse” for nothing.

  Unfortunately, duty called. Horse didn’t seem put out when I said we needed a private word with the Bears. Michael picked up on the urgency and led us to a small, quiet den off of the main party. After we’d evicted a few people getting a head start on earning their Mardi Gras beads and had closed the doors, I showed the Bears the silver-laced oysters and outlined my concerns. There was a moment of silence—then the claws came out. Figuratively speaking, that is. The Three Bears are careful about revealing their true nature in public, though even they have their limits.

  “Who is it?” spat Michael. “I will scratch the bitch’s eyes out.”

  “I thought the first one I ate was gritty!” said Stephen. “But I saw the oysters come out of the kitchen. No one had a chance to tamper with them.”

  Richard snarled. I think I saw a hint of fang. “Thoe!” he spat. He turned for the door.

  “Easy!” I told them before things could get completely out of control. “That doesn’t make any sense. Thoe would certainly know better than to attack vampires with silver. Someone else must have done it.”

  “One of her staff?” said Stephen.

  “Thoe wouldn’t let anybody mess around with her oysters,” I said. “It’s more likely one of your guests. Someone who’s figured out what you are. Maybe someone who thinks they don’t have anything to lose.”
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  “And it has to be a mundane,” said Michael. “Derby is right. No otherworldly would try attacking us with silver. But that still leaves two-thirds of the guest list!”

  As one, the Three Bears turned to me. “Derby, what should we do?”

  Apparently, this is why I got the green envelope. “Think like a mundane,” I suggested. “Why would a mundane try to use silver to kill you?”

  The Three Bears looked at each other—then turned to Matt. He yelped and shrank back. “It’s okay,” I told him. “I never thought I’d say this, Matthew, but you’re the most average person in the room right now. How would you kill a vampire?”

  “Umm—stake through the heart?”

  “Not practical at a party,” I pointed out.

  “Sunlight?”

  Michael sneered. “At night?”

  “Garlic?”

  “Old wives’ tale.”

  “Crosses?”

  “Puh-leeze.” Stephen wrinkled his nose like the suggestion had a bad smell. “Crosses, Stars of David, prayers—they all need true faith to work. The last time I saw true faith was a Star Wars fan with a Jedi robe and a plastic lightsaber.”

  “That might be something, though,” I said. “Crosses are well-known weapons against vampires, but our amateur hunter went with silver dust in the oysters instead. Why?”

  “He could dust the oysters anonymously,” said Stephen. “If he wanted to use a cross, he’d need to confront us.”

  “Because he knew the cross wouldn’t work.” Richard bared his teeth and this time his fangs were fully visible. No one who’d seen him at that moment could have mistaken him for anything other than a predator, no matter how many purses dropped out of his mouth. Matt stepped behind me and I found myself wishing I had some cover as well. We weren’t the target of Richard’s rage, though. “Bobby Gold. He’s lost his faith if he ever had any and the charm we gave him tonight would have let him slip into the kitchen unnoticed!”

  Stephen and Michael had started showing their teeth as well. “Is he so desperate that he’d risk killing you?” I asked.

  “I wouldn’t put it past him,” said Richard. He jerked his head, and the others moved toward the door.

  I swallowed my fear and stepped in front of the three angry bears. “Calm down. If you go out there now, Bobby won’t be the only one to know the truth.”

  Richard just shook his head and picked up the tray of silver-tainted oysters. “No one will see anything. You’ve done us a favour tonight, Derby, but this isn’t your concern anymore. Lips together, girls—we’re going hunting.”

  They brushed past me like wind in the night. I whirled and followed them back out of the den, Matt once more on my heels.

  The party continued unabated. Bobby Gold stood moodily by a window. The Three Bears drifted through the crowd like wolves surrounding their prey. Matt and I stuck to Richard, so we were close enough to hear him when he slid up to Bobby and whispered, “Nice try, traitor.”

  Bobby flinched and the Bears closed around him. “Let me give you some advice,” Richard continued. “If you’re going to try and destroy someone, make sure you do it the first time.”

  If there’s one thing popular preachers and deeply closeted gays have in common, it’s a superhuman capacity for immediate denial. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bobby said stiffly.

  Richard’s face twisted. He took a step back and upended the tray. Ice, oysters, and silver dust splattered across Bobby—and those unfortunates standing a little too close. People around the room turned to stare. Richard, back in a frenzy of fury, ignored them. He followed the oysters with the tray itself, as well as a screaming accusation. “You think you can cover this up?”

  “We will break you!” snarled Stephen.

  “You tried to kill us at our own party!” howled Michael.

  The collective gasp of the watching crowd could have sucked the air of a minivan. “Oh, fuck,” said Matt.

  “As long as they don’t put out their fangs, it’s just a catfight,” I whispered back to him.

  “Can you do anything? Bobby Gold is a shit but he can’t go down like this.”

  I resisted the temptation to point out that going down was what brought the fallen reverend low in the first place. I looked at the three vampires, their burly chests heaving with fury, and Bobby, dripping with melted ice and oyster juice. “Just a bit longer, Matthew,” I murmured, watching the scene closely. “Just a little bit longer. . . .”

  Matt’s mouth dropped open. “Derby, were you expecting this? Christ on a stick, you were expecting it! What’s going on?”

  “The beginning of the end for the Three Bears,” I said tersely. I was literally standing on my tiptoes, poised to intercede. My entire plan depended on the next few moments.

  It happened exactly as I hoped it would.

  Almost.

  Bobby raised his head. His face was flushed. “Really?” he said. “Well, why wouldn’t I? If I lose it all, it’s better than being a bitch for you bloodsuckers!” He reached to his neck and tore off a chunky little talisman on a red cord—the disguise charm that the Bears had forced out of my witch friend in Chinatown.

  The crowd’s second gasp was louder than its first as the infamous Reverend Bobby Gold stood revealed. Some of the guests began to boo and taunt the disgraced preacher. Many others reached eagerly for cellphones to record proof of the juicy moment. I saw a different look on the faces of the Three Bears’ otherworldly guests, though: hope. Bobby had publicly defied the Bears and if he had the strength to do it, maybe they did, too.

  Stephen and Michael must have seen that look as well. They shared one worried glance, then leaped for Richard, trying to calm him down. Richard was already charging at Bobby, though, his fingers making claws and his lips drawing back. I jumped too, ready to drag the enraged vampire down.

  But a strange peace had come over Bobby Gold’s face, the peace of someone who has finally embraced the truth about themselves. “I’m gay,” he said and looked straight at Richard as the vampire descended on him. “And you can’t use that to hurt me!”

  The brilliant light that flared suddenly around Bobby caught everyone, even me, by surprise. It appeared out of nowhere, golden as the sun rising after a long and dark night. It reflected in glittering sparkles from all of the tawdry purple, gold, and green decorations of Mardi Gras and made tiny rainbows in every piece of glass. The moment couldn’t have been gayer if there’d been a disco soundtrack and a unicorn.

  Bobby Gold had, it seemed, found faith again—in himself if in nothing else. And it couldn’t have come at a worse possible time.

  Richard, caught in the full blast, burst into flame instantly. Howling in pain, he stumbled back as if he’d hit a wall. My shadow fell over Michael and Stephen, partially shielding them, but they still flinched away as their flesh began to smoke. The gasp from the party crowd was the loudest yet, like a power top taking it up the ass for the first time. It turned quickly into screams as flames spread from Richard’s thrashing form. The golden light winked out, leaving Bobby dazed and staggering.

  This most definitely was not part of my plan.

  It shames me to admit it, but for a moment I actually considered letting Richard burn. He was in many ways the leader of the Three Bears. Without him, Stephen and Michael wouldn’t be the same threat. But I couldn’t do that, not even to the Bears. I’d come to protect Tarik from them; how could I face him knowing that I’d destroyed their love to save my own?

  I whipped a tablecloth from under a full buffet without upsetting a single dish and flung it to Michael and Stephen. “Put Richard out, then get him into the den!” I ordered. I grabbed Matt. “Help me with Bobby.”

  The fire alarm triggered and water sprayed from the sprinkler system, swiftly soaking everything and fighting back the flames. Bobby, however, just stood in the midst of the cha
os, staring while the Bears’ other guests ran for the door. He looked at me only when I grabbed him by the shoulders.

  “What have I done?” he asked plaintively.

  “What you had to do.”

  “What am I?”

  “Whatever you want to be,” I told him. “But right now you need to come with us.” Matt and I pushed him toward the den. Michael and Stephen had Richard bundled up and moving as well, but in spite of the cloth and the spraying water, all three Bears were still smouldering. The light that Bobby had found within himself was not so easily extinguished.

  All six of us made it into the den and I shut the door. That muffled the alarm but water still poured out of the ceiling sprinklers. Not ideal circumstances for what I was about to attempt, but there was no longer anything ideal about this situation. Stephen and Michael bared their fangs and hissed at Bobby, who pulled back. I stepped between them. “Don’t touch him,” I told the remaining Bears. “He’s the only chance of saving Richard. Make some space.”

  The two vampires snarled but obeyed, shoving armchairs, tables, and a desk away like they were toys on wheels. Meanwhile, I cautiously unwrapped Richard. He was a mess, his hair singed away and his skin charred. Embers flickered and crawled in his blackened flesh, fading briefly when water fell on them only to spring back to glowing life an instant later. I looked around the room, then jumped up and grabbed a spherical crystal paperweight off the desk.

  Stephen gasped. “No! That’s part of a set!”

  “So’s Richard,” I said pointedly. I took Bobby’s hand and dragged him over to the burning vampire.

  Not surprisingly, he resisted. “What are you doing?”

  “Taking the fire out of him and putting it back where it belongs.” I pulled Bobby down to his knees and placed the paperweight in his hand. “With you.”

  “If you save him, he’ll kill me!”

  “No, he won’t.” I leaned over Richard. “You hear me, don’t you, Richard? If I do this, I want you to let Bobby live. Do you agree?”

  For a long moment, there was no reaction and I almost thought that maybe I was too late after all. Then Richard’s lips parted and a whisper emerged in a puff of smoke. “Yes.”