The way he puts it sounds different. Hawk had always taken, never given. If I’d tried to touch him the way I’d touched Rock, he’d have ripped my hand away as I hadn’t asked for permission, or it hadn’t been something he’d instructed me to do. I’d sneaked glances at Rock before, but never have had the opportunity to take the time to examine him properly. He’s tall, probably a whole foot taller than me. His short hair and well-trimmed beard suits him, enabling me to scan his features, his brown eyes which now have creases around them, his nose slightly crooked, his mouth sensual and inviting.
“I’m not being fair on you, am I?” He raises his hand, hovering it close to my face. Then, as I’d touched him, he touches me. “You’ve just got free of Hawk, and now I’m puttin’ pressure on you. What is it they say, if you love someone set them free? Not sayin’ I love you,” he adds quickly. “Too early for that. I wanna fuck you, sure. Love? Ain’t loved a bitch before so don’t even know if I’d recognise it. But I do know I’m pushing you too fast. You should be enjoyin’ your freedom, not puttin’ up with my wants and needs.”
There are a few things wrong with what he’s said. I enlighten him. “I’m scared. I don’t know how to function alone, Rock. Never had to. Never was allowed to. And secondly, I’m not free of Hawk. I’m still married to him.” I look down at my feet.
Rock sighs. “You’re not wearing his ring on your finger.”
Almost surprised, forgotten I’d taken it off, I look at my hand. “I hated it being there. It was a reminder of him.”
“A symbol. Like all the other trappings of marriage. It’s only your signature on a piece of paper binding you to him.”
“It’s not,” I contradict. “I said my vows before God.”
“Vows?” he sneers. “You wrote vows? Said them and meant them?”
My teeth worry my lip as I consider his words. “The vows were handed to me. I just read them. But I said them, Rock. In church.”
“You think your God would hold you to them? To something you were forced to do? With the result you ended up being abused and hurt? And fuck it, with a man who let the Chaos Riders treat you as they did? You think your God would condone that? Fuck, woman, I’m glad I’m not a believer if that’s what you think.”
“Sometimes I don’t believe in Him,” I whisper.
“Not questioning your faith, Becca. Just that the teaching you had was twisted.” He stares at me for a moment. “You need a divorce, Becca. But that’s not going to happen fast, let’s be realistic. The first step is to believe in your head that you no longer belong to him. You’ve no thoughts of reconciliation or going back. In the eyes of the law it may be committing adultery, but no one with an ounce of compassion would blame you for taking something for yourself for once in your life.”
Wrapping my arms around myself, I think on his words. Not for the first time I know I’ve used my marital status as armour. Rock needs a better explanation. “Leaving my marriage to one side, I don’t want to lead you on, Rock. But I’m not like Sophie or Sam, or any of the other girls.” I feel tears prick in my eyes. “I can’t be in a relationship with you or anyone. I never want a man to touch me like that again. I don’t enjoy…”
“Babe.” He silences me with just one word. Shushed, I shut up, which gives him the chance to examine me. After a moment stretches out he nods knowingly, then gives me an instruction. “Kiss me.”
Kiss him?
“Becca, babe.” His hand softly brushes my cheek, a barely there caress. “You trusted me, right? When I helped you escape? You reached for that tree and took hold, knowin’ I wasn’t going to let you drop.”
I had.
“Trust me now.”
“Why?”
He shrugs. “Just go with it, okay? If you don’t like it, we can stop. You’re in control.”
This man must have kissed hundreds of women before, while I’ve only kissed one man. That was only a peck on the cheek when he demanded I showed my allegiance to him. I retreat to safe ground. “I can’t while I’m married to Hawk.” But haven’t I already betrayed my husband by even thinking about another man? Rock’s given me something to consider. Do I owe loyalty to a man I hate? Who’s hurt me and left me to suffer?
Another gentle touch of his fingers to my cheek proves he can read my mind when he asks, “Do you want to stay married to him, Becca?”
“Of course I don’t,” I scoff.
“Then we’ll go and see Mouse. If it’s a divorce you need to feel free, then we’ll find out how to do it.” Staring into my eyes, he says softly, “But even before that, you’re not married, you’re separated. You never wanted to be tied to him in the first place. You’re committin’ no crime by being with another man.”
My teeth worry my lip, then I whisper the truth. “Hawk being locked up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I was kept prisoner by the Chaos Riders. It meant I didn’t have to suffer his attentions any more. Now I’m free, I don’t want to be subjected to that again. Even by you. We can only be friends.”
I don’t know what reaction I expected from Rock. For him to get angry? Disappointed? What I didn’t expect was for him to simply repeat his earlier instruction as if I’d said nothing at all.
“Kiss me, Becca.”
Despite my protestations and that my mind remains adamant, my body starts leaning toward his. Quickly I pull back and ask one question. “Why? What would that prove.”
“Oh, Becca. Sweetheart. You were never attracted to Hawk. There was no chemistry between the two of you. With us things might be different. You owe it to yourself to give it a try. I’m not asking you for more, just a kiss. An experiment if you like.”
He’s tempting me. As I stare at his lips butterflies make my stomach flutter as though he’s awoken something long dormant. I have an overwhelming desire to see if he tastes as good as he looks. I move closer, then leaning forward again, gently give him an innocent kiss, just a peck, a brief meeting of our lips. As I draw back I see the corners of his mouth curve up. Emboldened, I do it again, this time not moving away.
Neither does he. Bravely reaching my hands up to his head, I pull him nearer so his mouth presses against mine and opens. Accepting the invitation, my tongue sweeps inside to explore, his own coming to meet mine, the soft tissue enticing as they slide sensually together. He tastes faintly of coffee, and there’s a tinge of salt in the background. The smell of him surrounds me, the leather of his cut, the detergent in his clothes, the soap that he uses and his deodorant, breathing in each individually then combining them to give me the scent of a man.
He’s stopped being passive. His hands slip around my back, gently supporting me and urging me yet even closer as his mouth starts to dominate mine.
Hawk never kissed me. That makes this my first kiss by a man. It’s causing sensations that Hawk never aroused.
As feelings overtake me I lose myself, wanting more of him, needing him closer. I slide my hands down first to his shoulders, then around to his back. He hisses and breaks our connection.
My eyes fly open, my hand covers my mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
He takes in a few deep breaths, then the creases around his eyes gradually disappear and he smiles. “It’ll be tender for a while.” Putting me at arms-length, his fingers stroke my bare arms as if he doesn’t want to stop touching me. He looks ruefully down at his crotch. As my eyes follow the direction he’s looking, I see a bulge pressing against the denim. Glancing up again he says ruefully, “I can’t control myself around you.”
Blushing, I look away. No one’s ever told me I’m desirable before. For Hawk I was his convenient wife.
“Hey, what’s up?” His hand gently moves my face back.
“I’ve never kissed a man before,” I admit.
The muscles of Rock’s face tighten. “What the fuck? Hawk fucked you, didn’t he?” He shakes his head as though he might have misunderstood.
“Fuck’s the right word. There was never any emotion or tenderness involv
ed. God gave me to him to cope with his natural urges.”
“God had fuck all to do with it.”
I look away. Rock’s right, and I think I’d always known that. But Hawk was a force to be reckoned with. I’d had nowhere to run, no means of escape. Everything I’d ever been taught told me Hawk was right.
Suddenly Rock has let me go. He spins around, his hands sweeping through his hair as he stands, resting his forehead against the wall, his back toward me, tension showing by the set of his shoulders. I get to my feet confused. Is he angry on my behalf, or is something else eating at him?
My hand reaches out, then I draw it back, remembering in time not to touch his back. “Rock?” I ask softly. “This is all new to me. Did I do something wrong?”
His face still turned away, he shakes his head. “You, Becca? Nah. Nothing at all. But I’m this close…” he holds up his thumb and forefinger a fraction of an inch apart, “to taking what you’re not ready to give. Fuck, if just a kiss turns me rock hard in a flash, touching you, tasting you will drive me insane.”
What should I do? The fluttering in my stomach has increased to a throbbing ache. “Rock?” My quiet entreaty has him turning around. When he looks down into my face I make myself meet his eyes. “I don’t understand what you do to me, Rock. I don’t know why I want to get closer to you. To hold you. To let you…”
His expression isn’t cocky, it’s almost pained. In a surprisingly sweet gesture for a biker, he takes hold of my hand and raises it to his lips. “We’ll take this slow, Becca. I don’t want to push you. But when you’re ready, I promise you. You will be in my bed.”
With wonder I realise the thought doesn’t frighten me. Instead I’m considering what that would be like.
Chapter 22
Rock
I don’t trust myself right now. Becca’s got my cock so fucking hard it’s pressing painfully against my zipper. I’m going to need to get myself somewhere private soon to take the matter in hand before my fucking balls explode. I’m not even sure what it is about her that affects me so much.
I affect her too. She doesn’t understand what her body’s telling her. Has she really never been turned on before? While I want to throw her down on the bed and thrust my cock into her, make her understand how good I can make her feel, I know it’s too fast. What I can do is keep her at a simmer until she comes to me, begging for me to take her, to show her what making love should be about.
Making love? What the fuck am I thinking? I’m a biker, I don’t make love. Wouldn’t know where to start. Except, with Becca I’ll have to give it a damn good try. Suddenly I feel the weight of responsibility on me. Another bad experience would send her running from men for the rest of her life. No pressure there then. It’s got to be right. And the time isn’t now.
Hawk never kissed her? He treated his wife the same way we treat our whores. No, worse than that. The way the Riders treated theirs. I’d lay good money down he never worried about her getting off. Christ! For a moment I wonder how he’s doing in jail, hoping he’s become some big man’s bitch and is now finding out what it’s like being on the receiving end. Wouldn’t that be good?
But now I need to concentrate on Becca. If I stand here much longer with a rock-hard cock I’ll be the one pressuring her. “Come on.”
Her face turns up at me. She’s still biting her lip. Her face is flushed, that pulse in her neck beating fast. She wants me. But she’s scared.
“Let’s go see Mouse.”
The sudden relaxation of her facial muscles makes me realise I was right to put my own desires on the back burner. I’ve got to lead up to it gently, give her time to get used to the idea that she and I are now an item. I hold out my hand. She takes it.
Mouse is in his cave, but he’s not the man I remember from before I swapped clubs, subtle changes perhaps not everyone else would notice except for his brothers. You still have to negotiate the fog of smoke as you step into his office—the club smoking ban hasn’t extended to in here—and as usual there’s a joint burning in the ashtray. The bank of monitors is as it always has been, and in fact, I think he’s recently added to the number. His keyboard and laptop are open alongside him. On first impressions everything is the same.
But his eyes seem hooded, his expression wary as, still holding her hand, I pull Becca inside.
Mouse raises his chin toward me, but his eyes fix on Becca. “Just the person I wanted to see.”
She glances up to me as if seeking permission, but I wave her to one of the chairs in front of Mouse’s desk, taking the adjacent one for myself. “I want to be prepared, Mouse. While now may not be the right time to initiate things, Becca wants to know how to get a divorce.”
He simply nods as though distracted. “I can look the process up. But now you’re here, there’s something I want to ask.” He spins his laptop around so that Becca can see it, leans forward, and points a pen toward a plan on the screen.
She studies it for a moment, her face scrunching deliciously as she tries to convert the lines on the plan with an image in her head. After a moment, she nods. “Our church.”
“It is,” Mouse confirms. He clicks a couple of times, then points again. “What’s this area used for?”
Becca brings herself closer, her brow furrowed in confusion. “That’s wrong. What are these plans?”
“They’re the originals submitted when the church was built about twelve years ago,” Mouse tells us.
With a shake of her head Becca informs us, “Then they had to have changed it before starting work. There’s never been a basement under the church. I’d have known about it. There’s certainly no door, and no steps leading down. Inside or out.”
Mouse and I exchange glances. That’s a big area, and if Becca’s wrong and it does exist, a fucking good place to hide something.
“Hawk was a pastor, Becca. Was there anything unusual about him? Anything that made you suspicious?”
Her lips press together as she thinks. I realise I’m starting to catalogue all the adorable expressions she makes. I can’t wait to see what she looks like when she comes. Shit, there goes my cock again. Luckily Mouse is behind his desk and won’t notice, else he’d give me some shit.
“He could have been, done, anything.” Becca’s sweet voice brings me back to the here and now. “It wasn’t unusual for him to be out a lot, all times of the day and night. His excuse was that he was seeing parishioners for this or that, but he could have been anywhere.”
Mouse is staring at me, and my eyes fix on his. I nod. Just because a man works for the church doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a good man. A good man doesn’t buy a young wife, he doesn’t fuck her any time that he wants, he doesn’t beat a man half to death. Pastor Hawk has something else going on, I’d stake my life on that. What he is, or was until they caught up with him, is a man without a stain on his reputation.
I place my hand on Becca’s arm. When she turns to look at me I ask, “Can you get us into the church?”
Again her brow creases, and she puts her hand to her forehead. Then, like the sun coming out, she smiles. “Unless someone’s moved it, there’s a spare key hidden for emergency use. I can show you where it is. We’ll have to be careful nobody sees us.”
“Go in after dark?” I direct my suggestion to Mouse.
“Sounds like a plan. Prez will probably want in on this.”
“Reckon you’re right. Why don’t I go and update him while you talk to Becca about getting that divorce? Sooner she’s free of Hawk the better. Oh, and Becca?” As I stand she looks up, her head tilted to one side. “You’re not going anywhere near that church. You’ll have to explain where the key is left.” If anyone saw her with us, word could get back to Hawk who she’s with. Who knows what other friends he might have and might prefer looking after her.
Mindful of Beef’s warning, surreptitiously I check before leaving her alone with my brother. Becca isn’t giving off any vibes that she’s worried about staying with Mouse. I raise my chin tow
ard him, silently requesting he looks after her. He gives me a nod of understanding back. With a clear conscience, I leave them alone and go next door to see Drum. Wraith’s in with him, which kills two birds with one stone.
“Rock. How’s your back?”
“As long as I don’t lean hard on it, not too bad, Prez. Doc’s still changing the dressings every day.”
“Costing us a fuckin’ fortune havin’ him make home visits,” Drum grumbles, but his eyes crease showing he truthfully doesn’t give a damn. I reckon he believes he owes me, but he’s wrong. This club has given me the best sixteen years of my life.
Wraith extends his fist and I bump it with mine. “I know I’ve said it before, but it’s fuckin’ good to have you back, Brother.”
It feels damn good. There’s not one day when I don’t think of how different the Satan’s Devils are to the now extinct Chaos Riders. But I’m here for a purpose. Quickly I bring Prez and VP up to date on what Mouse has discovered.
Prez gives me a sharp look once I’ve finished. “You pulled your head out your ass about Becca at last?”
Shifting awkwardly, and it’s not down to the pain in my back, I give it to him straight. “I’ve been an asshole.”
“Ain’t that the truth, Brother. And good. I like that little girl. She’s got guts. Proved that when she volunteered to sacrifice herself to get you out.”
I hold out my hands, palms open. “What can I say, Prez? I believed some rubbish that came out of Jill’s mouth. Shouldn’t have done, but it is what it is. Got things turned around right in my head now. Gonna do what I can to make it up to Becca.”
Now he nods and raises his chin toward Wraith, then his steely grey eyes find mine. “You remember Stub?”
The name’s familiar. Scrunching my eyes closed, I think back, dredging up a memory from the depths of my mind. “He rode with the Wretched Soulz, didn’t he? Must have been ten, twelve years ago?” As Drum smiles as though he’s a teacher pleased with his favourite pupil, I continue to comb through what I know. “He murdered his ol’ lady when he caught her cheating on him. Was pretty brutal about it if I’m recallin’ it right. Got sent down for life, didn’t he?”
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