What? It seems I don’t know anything about the woman I helped escape. The woman who’s taken root in my brain. The woman I dismissed as a whore. Becca. “Fuck.” I run my hands through my hair. “I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?”
Beef nods toward the door. “If you go now you might still be able to catch her.”
I might. But the things that I’ve said, the way I’ve acted toward her… Would she even want to ride back behind me? I’ve already called the prospect, he’ll be on his way to pick her up. I’ll finish my visit with Beef, then go back to the compound. Drawing my hands down my face I realise exactly how badly I’ve handled this. Will I ever be able to repair the damage?
“What can I say to her, Beef? From what you say, she was with a man who treated her as his property. I took one look at her and assumed she’d put out for anyone who wanted her.”
Beef closes his eyes, and in that second before he opens them again I can see he looks tired. But when he speaks he gives me food for thought. “I don’t know what she was thinkin’ when Petty and Roller boxed her in. I tell you this, Brother. Hawk raped her throughout her marriage. She’s not likely to jump into anyone’s bed.”
Raped her?
My mouth drops open as Beef continues. “She was taught that a good girl submits and gets no enjoyment.”
What the fuck? Blame crashes down on me. What I accused her of is so far from the fucking truth it’s unbelievable.
“He beat her too. Punished her by spankin’s which were not erotic.”
I have to sit down. Every word Beef is telling me emphasises how badly I fucked up.
Beef gives me a moment to start to re-evaluate everything I’ve been thinking about her, before asking, “We’ve been friends a long time, Brother. So let me ask you. You haven’t bothered about a girl fuckin’ your brothers before. Shit, we’ve shared enough together. Why did you react so badly, Rock, to the idea she’d been sleepin’ with me?”
His question pulls me up and gets me to start thinking—honestly for once. Resting my chin on my hands, I decide to share my thought process with him. “I don’t know what it is about her. Don’t even know her, so it seems crazy to say something in her calls to something in me.” I don’t wait for his response, just quickly check he’s not laughing. “I dreamt of coming back to the compound, of explorin’ our connection. Half afraid the hell I was livin’ in was making me build it up into something it wasn’t. So when Jill gave me her version of the truth, I leapt at it. It gave me the excuse I needed. I didn’t need to analyse these weird fuckin’ feelin’s anymore.”
“Tell her,” Beef advises. “Just tell her straight. Tell her you’ve got feelin’s for her and were afraid she wasn’t as perfect as you believed. She needs someone like you, Rock. Even if it’s just as a friend. Someone on her side. And someone to end Hawk for good.”
“Mouse is investigatin’ him,” I say absently, still thinking of Becca and how I’ve wronged her.
“He got anywhere?”
“Not that I’ve heard. But he wouldn’t necessarily tell me.” I pick at one of my fingernails as I admit, “I’ve made it clear I want fuck all to do with her.”
He sighs. “Best you correct that then. Be in her corner, Rock, won’t you? I like the girl, I like her a lot.” His face turns to me, and he growls, “Like a fuckin’ sister.” I hold my hands up to show he doesn’t have to make his point again. “Promise me you’ll look after her. Even if there’s nothing between you. She needs someone in her corner. Now scat. Isn’t there somewhere you ought to be?”
He means I need to go to Becca. Try and make this right. Show her she’s got someone to lean on. “Yeah. If I can get her to listen to me. To forgive me. I promise you, Beef. Even if she wants nothin’ to do with me after the shit way I’ve been treatin’ her, I’ll have her back.”
Beef had long since collapsed back down on the pillows. With my agreement to go to Becca, any energy he had seems to have left him. One more thing I need to feel guilty about, I’ve overtired him. He can hardly keep his eyes open, so as I had when I entered the room, I bump my fist against his.
“Shiny side up,” he mumbles, already half asleep.
“Dirty side down,” I respond.
I check the cafeteria before leaving, but Becca’s not inside. Starting my job of looking out for her, knowing that she’s nervous of the very thing I’ve been accusing her of—being too close to my brothers—I call the prospect and get his confirmation that she is indeed almost back home. Going to my bike, I sit astride it, then pause before starting the engine, knowing I’ve no idea how this conversation is going to go. But there’s only one acceptable ending as far as I’m concerned, Becca beneath me in my bed. But fuck. From what Beef had said, Becca will have a very different interpretation of what I want from her. I’m aiming too high. Friends. We’ll be friends. Give it time. See where the road takes us.
Now anxious to see her, I push the speed limits, reaching the compound in record time. Backing into my spot outside the clubhouse, I then have another moment of what the fuck am I going to say? before I kick down the stand and leave my bike.
First thing, I need to find her and not allow myself to be distracted. Tempting as it is to take the coward’s way out and put things off, I bypass Slick with just a wave, and in answer to his enquiry tell him Beef’s doing good. Inside the clubroom my eyes search for her, but she’s nowhere around. Is she, as Beef seemed to suggest, scared and hidin’ in her room? I don’t like the thought of her licking the wounds that I caused in private. There’s a strange feeling in my gut which I can’t put a name to at the thought having sent her away, she’s alone and hurting. She likes me. I all but told her to fuck off.
Women’s voices come from the kitchen, so I walk that way. I stand in the doorway unnoticed as my eyes find the woman I’m searching for, with a pile of peeled and a few remaining unpeeled potatoes in front of her. At first there’s relief that she’s not brooding on her own, then my analytical brain takes over and I think about the sight in front of me. Far from being the flirtatious girl looking for fun which my mind had conjured up in my too easy acceptance of Jill’s lies, I’m seeing a woman strong enough to shrug off my insults.
As I watch and observe, she finishes her task. “Sophie, that’s all done. What shall I do next?”
A simple enough question, but one which after my talk with Beef, I interpret in a different way. She’s never been allowed to make decisions for herself. I regret to say my cock twitches at the thought of some instructions I could ask her to follow. Ignoring his input, I lean against the door jamb and try to come up with a plan to help her. First, though, I’ll have to get this difficult conversation out of the way.
“I’m not sure what we should do next, Becca? What do you suggest?” Sophie smiles at her and I feel like I’ve been kicked. The women know. And they’re tryin’ to help her. They’re doing what should have been my job. Giving her support and encouragement.
Before Becca can do more than smile at Sophie gratefully, I enter the room. As though she senses me, she looks up. Our eyes meet. Instantly she looks away.
I find my voice. “Becca, can I have a word?”
She glances up again, her brow furrowing. “Is Beef okay?”
“He’s fine,” I confirm. “I need to talk to you.”
“You go, Becca. We’ve got this.” Giving her no choice, Sophie scoops up the peeled potatoes and shoos her toward me.
Flustered, as though she doesn’t want to cause a scene, she comes over. “I don’t think we’ve got anything to say to each other,” she hisses as she passes me. “Please leave me alone, I think you’ve said more than enough already.”
I’m not letting her go without having my say. She’s halfway across the clubroom by the time I catch up. Putting my arm around her, I steer her toward the crash rooms. This time of day they’ll probably be empty. When she tries to pull back I tighten my hold on her, halt and look down into her worried, scared face. “Give me five minutes, Becca. Please.
That’s all I ask. Five minutes to talk.”
I think it was the please that did it, along with my emphasis, as she doesn’t protest again. When I see a door open I push her inside. It’s a room the brothers use for fucking. There’s a bed and very little else in it. But it will give us the privacy I want.
She doesn’t sit down, her eyes focusing on something on the floor. Being what this room is, I’m hoping it isn’t a used condom.
I take a step closer, she raises her hands as if to stop me, gives a quick glance at my face, then speaks hurriedly, as though the faster she talks the speedier will be her retreat. “I didn’t have a chance to thank you properly for enabling my escape.”
“I didn’t thank you either.” As I bring myself nearer, she steps back and comes up against the bed. “You took one hell of a risk to get me out.” The thought that she could have been killed trying to save me gives me a chill. I can’t believe what an ass I’ve been, talking to her the way I have.
She shrugs as if it wasn’t anything. But it was. She must have been petrified, having to put her trust in Drummer, a man she’d only just met, to ensure she’d get out alive.
“I’m an asshole.” I don’t try to sweeten it. “There’s no way I can ever apologise enough. I shouldn’t have said any of the things I did to you.” I’ve caught her attention, so I continue without giving her a chance to speak. “You had me from the moment I saw you, Becca. The very first fuckin’ moment. Other women would have been cryin’ and screamin’ kept chained in that cellar. But you? No, you showed your strength from the very first time I came down.”
She shakes her head dismissively. “The last thing I am is strong, Rock. I’m anything but. I did my crying and screaming a long time before I met you. It didn’t do any good, so I stopped.”
To my mind that doesn’t mean she’s not brave, just that, unlike me, she’s not stupid.
I raise my hand to touch her face, she flinches away. I decide to lay it all on the line. “Becca, it broke my heart to see you kept that way. I knew I had to get you out, get you somewhere you could be protected.”
“And you did,” she puts in quickly. “Thank you for that.”
“Darlin’, listen to me, please? Yeah, I wanted you to be safe. But what kept me going in that fuck-up of a place was the thought of you being here when I got out. Fuck knows why, but I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about you.” She looks so doubtful, so unbelieving, I know I haven’t got a chance unless I get this all out. “I know we don’t know much about each other, but once the thought got into my head I couldn’t get rid of it. I’ve never wanted that special woman on the back of my bike, but I went to sleep dreamin’ of you there.”
Her eyes snap to mine. “Well you certainly didn’t jump at the chance earlier.”
Momentarily I close my eyes. I deserve that. The memory of my rudeness causing me actual pain. Stepping past her, I sit on the bed and pat a spot on the mattress beside me. “Sit, please?”
She scrutinises me for a moment as though suspecting a trap, then shrugs and sits down. There’s a good foot between us.
I swallow before speaking. “I’ve never wanted a bitch to call mine. Last thing on my mind. Saw my brother’s findin’ old ladies and laughed at them. That was before I met you.”
She puts one knee up on the bed and turns to face me, her eyes hardened. “Whether you want me or don’t want me, or if you’ll ever be able to make up your mind, I’ve got news for you. You don’t just decide you want a woman, a bitch in your language. Hawk decided he wanted me, and I had no say in it.” I’ve noticed one thing. She’s not as meek with me as she is with everyone else. Maybe there is a chance for us.
I put my finger to her lips, which makes them snap shut. “I know, I’m puttin’ this badly. Of course I didn’t know if the feelin’ was mutual. I had hopes it might be, but then you might just have felt gratitude toward me because I helped you escape.”
She stays silent when I want her to speak. Want her to confirm I’m not making a fool of myself by laying my feelings on the line. Shaking my head slightly, I look away. “Look, Becca. I was screwed up in my head, alright? I might have been overthinkin’, assumin’ my feelings for you were reciprocated. You were out of sight, but not out of mind. I wasn’t sure what to do with the overwhelmin’ desire to see you again.” I break off, replaying events in my head, determined to hold nothing back from her. “Then Jill arrived. Chaos was suspicious. He sent us both to the cellar to soften us up. While we were there all I could think of was you, so relieved when she said you’d made it back to the compound. I was strung up, already hurtin’. But if I closed my eyes, I could see you.”
I feel warm skin against mine. Fuck me, she’s holding my hand. I enjoy the sensation while I can, knowing she’s more likely going to be hitting me in a minute.
My voice is even. Unemotional. “Jill wouldn’t shut up. When I asked about you, she told me you’d started fuckin’ my brothers. Beef, my best friend, being one of them.”
She gasps. “Rock… You believed her? No one better than you knew I was in no state to do that, even if I had the inclination.”
If I hadn’t been swamped with feelings of jealousy I might have played a different hand. “Look, it wasn’t good timin’. I got so mad. But even if you were, I had no reason to be jealous. You hadn’t promised me anything. Any relationship we had was all in my head.”
She stands up, her hand covering her mouth.
I get to my feet. “Becca, when I saw you in bed with Beef, it all seemed true. I’m sorry I didn’t stop to ask you, or Beef.”
“I haven’t fucked anyone. Why would I want to?” The words come out forcefully, even staccato. “Beef protected me when I thought I was going to be raped. When he was ill I just comforted him the same way he’d comforted me.”
“I know.” I raise my voice. “I fuckin’ know. And I’m so sorry. So damn sorry.”
She’s not going to forgive me.
Chapter 21
Becca
I’ve listened to Rock. Heard what he has to say and have done some reading between the lines myself. He’s apologised, but what he hasn’t quite admitted is the obvious motivation that lay behind his cruel rejection.
The pain in his eyes shines through as though he fears my response to his heartfelt plea will be negative. I step forward, my hand trembling as I raise it, and place my palm gently against his cheek.
I breathe in deep and take a leap. “You were jealous.” My voice shakes as much as my fingers touching his skin.
His hand covers mine, not letting me move it away, and he leans into my touch. “Yes. I was jealous,” he confirms, his own tone uncertain.
“Hawk used to get jealous,” I start, softly. “He’d punish me if another man even looked at me. Would say I encouraged them.”
Instantly his fingers curl around mine and tighten. “I wanted…want you, Becca.” His stare becomes intense. “I had thoughts of you being my woman. I didn’t want to share you with anyone else. If you ever agreed to be with me, yeah, I’d need you to be mine, and only mine. I wouldn’t want anyone else to touch you.” He sounds too much like Hawk. I start shaking my head, but Rock hasn’t finished. “Look at you?” He huffs a short laugh. “Yeah, they can look. If you were mine I’d be so fuckin’ proud that I’d got what another man’s not. And if they can’t keep their eyes off you, that’s on them, not you. I’m not Hawk, sweetheart. I’d never hurt you. Say you’ll be mine, Becca.”
He’s moving too fast. He wants me to be his. Hawk regarded me as his possession, there was no pleasure in that. I don’t know who I am, starting to feel my way to learning my own needs and wants. I’ve seen the property patches the old ladies wear proudly, and have wondered why such strong, independent women allow themselves to be owned by their men. To me it’s a prison without bars.
He’s waiting for an answer. I can’t ever give a man custody over me again. “Rock,” my voice breaks as I try to speak. “There’s no words to tell you how much I yearn for you in
ways I don’t understand. But I can never be someone’s property. If that’s where this is going, I’d rather part as friends now.”
He reaches for my other hand and brings them both together between us, his large, strong hands cupping mine. Staring down for a moment, he then raises his eyes and gazes at me intensely. “I can’t tell where this will be going, Becca. I never thought I would ever be thinkin’ of makin’ someone my ol’ lady.” He shakes his head before going on. “But you’ve got me twisted up inside. Jealous? Fuck yeah I was. It was that which made me so spiteful to you. Takin’ an ol’ lady? Well, fuck me. All I know is with you the idea excites me instead of scarin’ the shit out of me.” As his fingers gently caress mine he adds, “I can’t promise where this is going. But I don’t think it impossible that one day I’ll be asking you to wear my patch.”
I pull my hands away. “I wouldn’t be able to do that, Rock.” It breaks something inside to know I’m throwing away the chance of being with him. But I can’t allow myself to be tied in any way with a man with the same views on women as Hawk.
It’s his turn to touch my face, stroking me gently, then touching my shortly shorn hair, his eyes sharpening as he runs his fingers over it, then relaxing again. “Becca, there are things you need to understand. Property is something to be treasured, protected. To give your life for. If I ask you to wear my patch, I’m not owning you. It’s the opposite, you’re owning me. I’d be giving myself over to you, committing to you. It isn’t a way that I’d use to control you. I’d nurture and support you in everything you wanted to do.”
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