Whatever Comes First

by M. K. Lee

  "Don't pressure the man," Joel chides Sarah, though his eyes don't leave Matthew's, the look passing between them adding a touch more tightness to Matthew's jeans. Matthew tries to shrug in indifference, but he's already licking his lips and feeling the anticipatory ghost of stubble scraping against his cheek, debating leaning forward a fraction to make it a reality.

  "A kiss won't hurt," Sarah points out, a touch of shrewdness to her voice before announcing she's going to the bathroom and leaving Matthew swallowing with nerves. But Joel seems to agree, because he tilts his chin at Matthew in a silent request for permission. Matthew finds himself giving a tight nod, his heart hammering away in uneven bursts as Joel leans in closer and closer still.

  Soft lips brush against his in what feels like a cautious greeting. Matthew returns the press, and for a few tries that is all there is to it. Tilting heads, angled jaws, lips touching enough to work each other out. But then Joel's hand finds its way to the nape of Matthew's neck to hold him in place, and an upper lip nudges against his, insinuating that Matthew open up his mouth. And suddenly Matthew's aware of just how good this feels and of how much he wants.

  Joel swallows Matthew's initial groan as his tongue flicks into his mouth in exploration. And when he's feeling more daring Matthew reaches out to pull Joel in closer. Joel hums, pleased, shifting so that he's slotting his knee between Matthew's and pressing tighter up against him. Matthew groans in answer and does the same, his grip becoming more and more firm.

  When they pull away from each other swollen-lipped and gasping-mouthed, there's a look between them that's checking, making sure they're both okay with what's just happened, and more importantly, if there's a chance of there being more of the same to come for them.

  "Hot," Sarah announces, letting them know she's returned to their table, smirking at Matthew when he looks up at her. There's a slightly strained moment between the three of them before a small blast of laughter escapes Sarah's lips and she mumbles about going to the bar to give them another minute. The second she's gone Joel turns back to Matthew, smiling though looking guarded.

  "So... if this was going to happen... how would it even work? I mean... what would you want?"

  Matthew's heart is racing at so many possibilities, yet he fights against the alcohol urging him to blurt out everything he's thinking and reins it in a touch. "I guess if I had the chance... if it was... uncomplicated... I'd like to fuck around—with one guy, I mean," he adds hastily, his own eyes blowing wide at his insinuation, "I don't—I'm not up for, uh, multiple things. But if it was with just one person, there's... there's all kinds of things I'd—I'd like to try. But without… without the pressure of a relationship. I don't—I don't wanna give or have any sort of expectations right now. I'm... I guess I want to have my cake and eat it," Matthew laughs then, grimacing at himself for his lack of finesse. "I want all the fun but none of the friction."

  Joel grins at him and leans in for a kiss. "I mean you want the good kind of friction... right?"

  "Right," Matthew agrees, groaning at himself and letting it trail off into a rueful blast of laughter. "The good kind of friction. That's... that's kinda all I want. You know. If I can get it. I didn't set out looking for, uh... this," he says, with a hesitant grip of Joel's thigh.

  Joel nods, taking a little time to consider his words before he answers, quiet and careful. "I meant it. I don't want... I won't—I don't sleep around, 'cos that's never been my thing. I just... I need simple right now. I like the idea of not having to explain myself to anyone, you know? I don't... I don't want to feel like I need to... I don't know. Belong, or something, when I've literally just moved back here and have all kinds of things to deal with. I've got a new job that's a ton of responsibility and I've got to—I've got to adjust to being back in such close proximity with my family, for a start," He laughs, shaking his head. "And friends and stuff, obviously. I just... I think I'd probably be a shitty boyfriend right now, anyway. I wouldn't want to let anyone down. But I do like the idea of regular sex with someone. Especially if that someone happens to be hot and just as willing,"

  Matthew grins at the wink that follows, leaning in immediately to steal the words from his lips, thrusting his tongue into Joel's mouth with a groan of want. They pull back, smiling at each other, leaning in for a softer kiss, and then another, before they're pulling back properly and looking over each other in consideration.

  Matthew finds himself nodding slowly, reaching out and wrapping a hand around Joel's against his lap. "I'm... it's the same for me. I don't need that—I don't want anything complicated right now. I can't... I don't have time for it, you know?"

  Joel leans in and kisses him quick, still grinning. "But this could be fun."

  Matthew nods, leans forward himself, sucks Joel's lower lip between his and smiles at the resultant hum. "This could be fun."

  Joel opens his mouth and darts his tongue along Matthew's lips before kissing him sweetly once more, cupping his jaw and grinning at him with barely a gap between them.

  "I'm... not exactly experienced, you know," Matthew tells him after a moment, feeling the need to be honest though blushing in embarrassment anyway as he says it. To his relief Joel's smile just deepens as he leans forward again, nudging his lips apart.

  "I'm sure I can teach you a thing or two if you're willing. And I'm more than willing to let you experiment on me," he says, with a lewd look over him that has Matthew's cock stirring fuller.

  There's a moment of hesitation and then Matthew propels himself forward, a slightly shaking palm sliding up Joel's thigh. "I'm willing," he promises, his eyes fluttering closed when Joel kisses him a touch more insistently, and a groan escapes his lips at the feel of confident fingers making their way up his own inner thigh.

  Joel's chair scrapes across the wood of the floor as his hands slip to grip deep into Matthew's jean pockets, and Matthew presses the heel of his hand against the obvious swelling in Joel's own jeans, earning himself a pleased moan. Those fingers keep exploring as their kiss deepens and becomes more filthy, and it's only the banging down on the table with a round of drinks announcing Sarah's return that stops their groping from going any further, looking at each other in slight embarrassment, realising that they're practically in each other's laps.

  Sarah's grin leaves them both with a blush to their cheeks, but not enough to put the brakes on what they've tentatively just decided. By the end of the evening numbers have been exchanged, another groping kiss fit in whilst Sarah was in the bathroom, and their final kiss goodbye is one loaded with promise for what might be to come.

  Matthew ends the night again with his hand wrapped around his arousal, idly wondering if it's too soon for a dick pic as he lazily wipes himself clean and falls instantly asleep.

  *~*~*

  Sunday morning and the world is a little bleary for Matthew. He makes it through setting up the coffee machine and pouring a generous cup, and is just sliding eggs down onto waiting buttered toast when his memory decides to catch up with him from the night before. Shaky fingers grip and grasp at his phone as he snatches it up from the table in a hurry, a hazy fear that he really did send a picture of himself to a man he's only known for a matter of hours.

  Matthew sags in relief when he checks his gallery, then bravely opens the message waiting for him whilst holding his breath. His initial fear turns into a pleased realisation that not only is Joel real, not only did last night actually happen, but Joel seems just as cautious though interested as Matthew's found himself this morning now he's mostly awake. "Morning," he reads with a smile creeping over his face, "just checking last night wasn't just some really, really good dream. Which, it's okay if it was, but if it wasn't, and I lucked out, then, well. Good morning. I hope your morning is without headache and that there's a good breakfast in sight." Matthew takes a picture of his breakfast and writes and rewrites a reply to casual perfection, sucking his lip into his mouth in between sips of coffee in anticipation of a response.

  By the second cup
of coffee and a hastily-made third slice of toast Matthew's gripping the edge of the table as his phone buzzes to notify him of a message. He outright laughs at the familiar yellow arches that tell him exactly where Joel's having his own breakfast, and the message is sweet enough to make his mouth curl into a warm smile.

  They message each other throughout the day, and it's shy, sweet in places, a conversation easing its way into friendliness. It isn't until it's already dusk outside that the previous night is even mentioned. Joel's own admission that he'd gone straight home and got himself a little relief picturing Matthew's lips strained around his cock has Matthew palming himself through the boxers he'd slung on after a belated shower—and admitting how close he came to sending that dick pic he's still thankful about not taking. It's not that he doesn't want that or even mind the idea of being the first to send something so intimate; it's just he'd rather do it sober, when they're both sober, and aware of what they are doing.

  Matthew's stomach drops when he opens up his next message from Joel and watches with a held breath as it downloads. Filling his screen is a thick, fat cock he swears he's already tasting, his eyes sweeping up the length of it and narrowing at the slight glisten along its slit. Joel's question is to the point: "Know what you're doing with this?"

  Matthew retorts with, "With my hands and my mouth, sure. Want me to show you?" Joel's response is instant, a filthy commentary on how he can't wait to be the first to show him what else he can do with it, followed by a request for a picture of his own.

  It takes Matthew mere seconds to pull himself out of his boxers, stroking himself over to full hardness and angling the camera to find the best picture to send. What he receives back is a single, "Fuck," followed by a "can't wait to get my mouth on that," and a "Did you have any thoughts yet on what you want to try with me?"

  The thing is, Matthew thinks, idly fisting himself and keeping that low burr of pleasure sitting warm in his gut, there are all sorts of things he wants to try if he's going to be given the chance. In the year since admitting he has more than a passing attraction to men, he's kissed many and taken part in precisely one hand job and two blow jobs, but it's never gotten to be any more than that, despite his wanting it to. He knows he's got trust issues following the way his last relationship ended, and that he's never really felt sure enough about himself to let just anyone in. Trust is something he ultimately needs to have in order to take those kinds of things further. But when he doesn't even trust his own judgement, further intimacy is not something he's been able to explore. Which makes Matthew question himself all over again about this situation he's found himself in with Joel.

  Squeezing around his shaft once more, Matthew loosens his grip, brings his hands up to cradle the phone in his fingers, and debates what to write. There's a moment when he's thinking of blocking Joel's number just because he doesn't feel bold enough for this kind of thing, and it sends him hurtling towards the bathroom to stare himself down. He takes in his sandy hair sticking up in all directions and the plain brown, uncertain eyes looking back at him, and runs his hand over stubble that needs seeing to—that he is adamant does not have flecks of ginger in places—then rolls his eyes at himself and walks back through to the kitchen.

  It takes him a few minutes to find the words, then Matthew begins typing out a long, rambling message telling Joel all he's worrying about. Joel's response is nearly immediate, as though he's been waiting, assuring him he understands, he knows what he means, he's happy to take this as far as they both want and won't put any pressure on him for anything he's not ready for. "We're just exploring," Joel says, and "we're on the same page." Matthew tells himself to believe that, because how often will he get handed an opportunity like this?

  Steeling himself, Matthew poises his thumbs over the phone, then rapidly types out a, "Want to meet and discuss this more in person sometime this week?" He bites down on his lip as he presses send and all but stares at the screen waiting out Joel's reply. It's quick, barely a minute later, suggesting Wednesday and all but inviting himself over, reasoning Matthew might feel more comfortable in his own home instead of any fumbling attempts somewhere more public. "We both know what we want here," says Joel's message, and the direct openness of it for some reason has Matthew's cock twitching.

  A few more details are exchanged, and then Joel's asking, "Want to get off now?" For a second Matthew wonders what he really means, but then receives a six-second video of Joel stroking himself, and fully understands. He types a simple yes, feels himself harden a little more at Joel's request for him to, "Show me when you're done." It's around seven thirty on a Sunday evening. He's sitting at his dining room table under the pretence of studying, with his cock in his hand, while messaging an almost-stranger with the promise of coming raising his heartbeat. So it takes Matthew a second for his brain to catch up with his actions.

  With a firm nod to himself he's standing, shoving at his boxers and wriggling until they're down and around one of his ankles, then he's sitting again and spreading his knees wide. He presses back in his chair and raises his hand to lick over his palm a few times, wrapping his hand tightly around himself and dropping his head back with a groan. Matthew slumps in his seat a touch and in doing so realises he can reach to hook his feet on either side of the table legs, splaying himself out a little further. There's a second of pause and then he's taking a picture of himself like that, then fumbling to make his own burst of video as he fists himself, pressing send on both before he can have second thoughts.

  Matthew continues stroking himself, sliding his palm up and over his head to wipe up the pre-cum there and then sliding it back down and around. Another message and there's yet another video from Joel. The way it's slightly blurred makes Matthew think how fast he must be working himself, and the very thought has Matthew picking up his own speed. Another couple of minutes and his gut is coiling, his breath coming out in short puffed gasps, and he's had to push his phone back onto the table because he's losing the focus to keep hold of it.

  With his eyes down on himself as he gets closer, Matthew lets out the grunts and groans he's been holding back out of some strange sense of timidity, and seconds later comes with a hard groan, warm splatters of come hitting his chest and instantly turning cool. He takes a moment to catch his breath, shakily takes a picture and sends it to Joel, only to receive one in return almost simultaneously and having to let yet another groan out of his mouth.

  Matthew grins at Joel's, "Can't wait for Wednesday," says his goodbyes, raises his head from his phone to look around the kitchen then down at the mess he's made of himself and gives a small huff of laughter. He kind of can't wait for Wednesday either, he thinks, getting to his feet awkwardly and walking in the direction of a much-needed second shower.

  Chapter Two

  "So. You give any more thought to what you want to try?"

  The mouthful of coffee Matthew has goes down painfully at Joel's question, the two of them sinking into his deep, grey couch, as though they're discussing nothing more exciting than the takeaway menu on the low pine coffee table in front of them. It's Wednesday evening, and after giving Joel a quick tour of his apartment and then nervously leading him back through to the open-planned living room, so far all they've gotten around to discussing is Joel's first few days in his new job, and how Matthew's IT department almost cost him a week's worth of work with their recent upgrade. But this out of the blue question puts Matthew back on track for the reason they're here. He's trying very hard to form his thoughts into coherent words, but his brain keeps stuttering to an unhelpful stop, or playing what the fuck am I doing? on loop for him at regular intervals.

  "Or even things you don't want to?" Joel adds, smiling to show he understands Matthew's hesitation. Matthew's spent several hours over the past couple of days imagining all kinds of things he'd like to try with Joel, but now they're here, the words seem too monumental to get out.

  "Uh. Well. You know. Water sports and all of that kinda stuff is a definite no," Matthew ma
nages to stutter out, hoping probably far too late that those aren't things Joel is into and will therefore be disappointed by him not wanting.

  There is a strange ripple that goes through Joel's shoulders, and a deer-in-headlights look takes over his eyes, but then a second later both are gone, and he's back to that confident expression of nonchalance that has Matthew's stomach flopping with terrified excitement. "Not my thing either. I mean, no judgement, but absolutely not for me."

  Matthew nods, attempting not to show just how relieved he is to hear that. "I don't... I don't know that I've got any real kinks."

  Joel shrugs, easy and unconcerned. "I guess if you've never tried, you don't know. We can figure stuff out as we go along."

  "You make this sound so easy," Matthew says with a disbelieving shake of his head, then curses himself for making himself sound so, well, virginal.

  "Believe me, I might technically have more experience than you, and a whole load of, uh... drunken bravado from Saturday," Joel replies with a hint of blush to his cheeks, and it's enough to relax Matthew a little more. "But I'm... just as nervous as you probably are. But you know. We don't need to do anything other than see how tonight goes and take it from there. Agreed?"

  "Agreed," Matthew nods, a jolt of nervous excitement clenching his stomach all over again. He wills himself to be the one to make the first move, but feels a little foolish. As much as he's fantasised about being with a man beyond a quick, drunken fumble, now he's got the opportunity to do more, he feels a little out of his depth. Does he do to Joel what he would like to have done to him? Does he reach for Joel in the same way as he would if he was with a woman? Matthew's fingers itch to reach out, and he wishes he knew where to start.

  Joel stares at him in silence and Matthew feels a little caught in headlights himself, keeping perfectly still as Joel sips at his coffee and gives him the once over. When Joel nods in the direction of Matthew's own mug he drinks it down in three quick gulps, and then Joel is plucking it out of his fingers to put it on the table alongside his.