Whatever Comes First
Page 23
"Yeah," Joel agrees with a stiff, unimpressed nod. "We probably didn't stand a chance of this thing not blowing up in our faces at some point. Aside from you and Sarah, how many times have you heard of that working out?" Matthew wants to reach out for Joel at the dejection in his voice but again curls his fingers against his lap, unsure if either of them are ready for that just yet.
"That's fair," Matthew sighs in agreement, then adds, "You've... I'm not saying you were ever jealous, but... but you've never had anything to worry about when it comes to Sarah. I promise you that you haven't."
"I was jealous," Joel says, though he appears unable to say so without looking away first. "I am. I thought—I thought after... after football last week you might've... you might've gone to Sarah for... for—"
"Comfort?" Matthew suggests, his own tone snide, but immediately softening. "Thought didn't even cross my mind. Though the way you were that night, I... I could have assumed you wouldn't care who I slept with. I mean I know you would care, but—"
"Have you any idea how much it hurt, Matt? When you... basically you laughed in my face at the idea of us being boyfriends? It... I'd been... I felt myself falling for you a long, long time ago, and it only ever got worse. I tried to stop myself, because you constantly reminded me of what we really were to each other."
Matthew groans out in frustration though it's directed purely at himself. "I was reminding me of that fact, not you. I... I was so... I am so into you I... I thought if I didn't make a point of saying we were just that then... then you'd know how I was feeling. That you'd figure me out. And I'd... I'd lose not only the best sex of my life, but... but the one person I've met in my whole life I've ever cared about this much."
The confession is out. Both of them stare tight-lipped, holding their breath for several seconds before Joel hesitantly reaches out shaking fingers to press light around his thigh. "I know I've not cared about anyone like I've found myself caring about you either. I couldn't... I couldn't stop myself caring. I tried. But I couldn't stop myself reaching for you, or—or wanting to kiss you. Hug you all the time. Just... be with you. You're... you're really special, Matt. To me. I—I really like you. Like being with you. Like everything about you."
Matthew feels rather than consciously lets out a breath that's full of relief. He lays his hand over Joel's and presses down, feeling Joel grip his fingers in between his own. "I—I really like you too. It might—it might be even more than that, but—"
"But maybe it's too soon to say that," Joel finishes for him, wide-eyed in astonishment as he grips a little tighter but his mouth is curling up into a helpless smile that's just so happy there's no way Matthew can't return it. "Not that I don't feel like that as well though," he says, soft, awed, humble. It's Matthew's turn to look and feel a little overwhelmed, but soon he's grinning hard right back at him.
"You... you really would have asked me out on a date?" Matthew asks a minute later, unable to believe his luck. "Seriously?"
"Seriously," Joel reassures him. "And I'd... I'd have happily started spending time with you outside of our apartments ages before you suggested it. I just... I didn't know how to ask. Without it sounding like—"
"A date?" Matthew finishes for him and grinning harder still. "I was... I was terrified you'd think that was what I was asking for," Joel laughs, and for the first time in almost two weeks now, Matthew feels light, and excited. "I mean... I sort of was, but. You know..."
"So," Joel says then, shuffling a little closer in a way that's shy all over again. "Can I take you out sometime, Matt? Soon?"
Matthew sucks in a breath, already nodding. "You can. I'd love to. I'd really love to."
"Any idea where you want to go?" Joel asks, biting down on his lip with his eyes fixed on Matthew's.
"Anywhere. Anything. Anything at all," Matthew tells him, easy and honest, feeling his heart thud with a thrill that this is really, truly happening.
"Gonna have to kiss you first," Joel says, already leaning and nervously licking his lips. "Have to. I want... I need to do so many things to you right now, before I take you out. Before I implode. Before I—I lose my nerve," he laughs at himself, and Matthew helps him out by closing the gap between them another couple of inches.
"I'm all yours, Joel," he tells him, quiet, barely a whisper of space between them. "All yours."
*~*~*
Friday night, and Matthew's finishing off the last of his work, double checking some figures he wasn't sure of earlier but is happy to see now fit. He turns off the computer with a sense of accomplishment and a huge smile on his face as he thinks about his plans for the weekend. Sarah went on another retreat last weekend. He's looking forward to winding her up about that in person since he's not seen her all week, and tomorrow night will be the perfect time for that since she's making dinner for a few friends at her place. Which usually means what Sarah calls a cauldron of curry and then a ridiculous amount of alcohol to go with it that seems to just disappear, magically announcing its reappearance and leave them groaning in complaint come Sunday morning.
Simon rolls into his side with a skid, their chairs bumping together with a harsh knock at the force of it, and he offers up a wink then tells him to have a good weekend. Matthew grins at him as he leaves, taking a couple more minutes to make sure he's got everything he needs before he stands and shrugs quickly into his jacket, making his way out.
"Not coming for drinks tonight?"
Matthew's already shaking his head as he turns towards the sound of the voice, smiling at Jessica, who's only been with them a couple of weeks but already feels very much like part of the team. "Can't," he says, feeling how hard he's grinning, "Taking my boyfriend to a gig tonight. Trying to get him into something that doesn't sound like Oasis or an Oasis cover band."
Jessica laughs and shakes her head in sympathy. "Good luck with that. Hope you have a good night."
Matthew thinks of the weekend ahead of him that's going to be spent almost entirely in Joel's company. That Joel's probably already in his apartment mouthing out loud the band names of the CDs on his shelves in bewilderment, and bursts out laughing at the image. He turns away from Jessica, beaming to himself, and calls over his shoulder as he leaves, "I'm sure I will."
FIN
About the Author
M.K. Lee is a freelance writer who is far too attached to their laptop, working wherever their travels may take them, writing everything from haiku poetry to gay erotica, and all kinds of other things in between.
https://tellingtalesweb.wordpress.com/