Gradually Lorna recovered her equilibrium and with it the memory of everything Rafael had said. She gave an incoherent murmur and he looked at her, his hands tightening on the wheel as he saw the expression in her half-closed. eyes. Without a word he turned the car on to a narrow rutted lane, drew it to a stop and pulled her into his arms. Gently and tenderly his lips sought hers, his kiss telling her more clearly than words of his desire to protect and cherish rather than to take. For a long time there was silence, then he drew back from her and lit a cigarette.
'It is safer this way,' he murmured. 'You are too lovely, Lorna. I cannot hold you in my arms and remember you are still an invalid.'
Afraid to believe what her senses told her, she looked down at the handkerchief in her hands and twisted it into a crumpled ball. 'What are you trying to tell me, Rafael? Forgive me if I'm stupid, but—'
'You are not stupid, my darling. I am telling you that I love you deeply and that I would give the whole world to make you happy.' He leaned over and tilted her chin up, forcing her to look into his eyes. 'Surely you are not surprised at what I am saying. Where is this wonderful feminine intuition of yours? You must know I loved you from the moment I saw you sitting in the shadow of the pavilion with a crayon in your hand.'
She caught her breath. 'I didn't then - not then. But afterwards, a long time afterwards - I felt… I hoped… But you were so cruel, so unforgiving, I couldn't believe you loved me.'
His sleek head bent to hers. 'If I hadn't I would have forgiven you more easily: it was because I loved you that I judged you so harshly. I made the mistake of thinking you were as strong as I.'
'I'm not, Rafael. I never pretended to be.'
'I know. That was my mistake, I forgot that you were not like the women I have known all my life. Their loyalty is emotional, but yours must be mental, too. You listen to your head as well as your heart.'
'I tried to listen to my heart, Rafael.'
'I know you did, darling.' He moved to take her in his arms, but drew back. !No, if I hold you I cannot think properly, and there is so much I want to say. I'm not an easy man to love, Lorna, I've never learnt, the lesson of humility and deserve all the things you said to me. I'm autocratic and domineering, proud and demanding, but whatever I ask of you I'd give you back tenfold. All I want is for you to love me a little.'
Lorna's voice was thick with unshed tears, 'Not a little, my darling, but so much that I'll never be able to tell you.'
Without another word they were in each other's arms.
At last he put her away from him. 'You are tired, my love. It is time I took you home. I am glad everything is settled, though, now I can turn my mind to business. Another month of such indecision and I would have been bankrupt. I could think of nothing but you!'
'I hope you won't forget me now. I've said yes.' She broke off and a red tide of colour stained her cheeks. Awkwardly she tried to bridge the silence, but he stopped her muffled words with his hand.
'Did I forget the most important thing of all, my dearest? Of course you will be my wife. You didn't think I was suggesting a mesalliance?' He watched the colour sweep into her cheeks again and laughed softly. 'I shall enjoy teaching you the meaning of the word love, my dear one. If only the next few weeks would fly away! I would like us to be married immediately. We have waited long enough.'
She shook her head uncomprehendingly. 'You must give me time to get used to the idea, Rafael. I can't take it all in.'
'You will get used to the idea more quickly when we are married! I love you, Lorna,' he said passionately. 'Every day and night we're apart is a wasted one.'
She laughed softly. 'I think that's what I love about you most, Rafael - your belief that everyone's going to agree with you. I don't think I'd have the heart to oppose you even if I wanted to!' She rested her head against his shoulder and felt him tremble at her touch. 'You must tell your family first, darling. I don't think your mother will be pleased at the news.'
'Why not?'
'Because she'd prefer you to marry a Portuguese.
'Well, I don't choose to, and no one can dictate to me.'
'Darling, be sensible.'
He caught her hand and kissed it. 'How can I be sensible when you call me 'darling' in that cold little way of yours?'
'I'm not cold,' she protested.
He made a movement as if he were going to test out her statement, but she shook her head.
'No, Rafael, let me speak first! You may think I'm being fanciful about your mother, but I can't help it. I know she'll disapprove of our marriage and I couldn't bear any arguments now. You've got to give me a little time to get stronger - to feel more like myself.' She gave a small, bitter laugh, 'I'm beginning to know how Rosalia felt that night in the pavilion.'
He was shocked into anger, 'How can you say such a thing? You are mad! Why should my mother's disapproval mean so much to you? We are the two people concerned. No one else's opinion should make any difference to us.'
'I know I'm being childish,' she pleaded, 'but can't you understand what I'm trying to say? Let's keep our engagement secret for a little while and give your mother a chance to get used to the idea that you - you like me.'
'She would have to be blind riot to know I adore you! How can I hide my feelings for you, Lorna? I'm not made of stone.'
'But a few weeks…'
Reflectively he rubbed his hand across his chin. 'Very well. For a few weeks. But no longer. I am proud that you are going to be my wife and I want all the world to know it'
CHAPTER SEVEN
'Fortune favours the daring' - during the next few days Lorna remembered the Rodriguez motto and wished with all her heart that it was part of her own heritage. There was so much she did not know about Rafael, so much that was strange. Their only bond was their love, and she doubted whether it would be strong enough to surmount the barriers of tradition, race and background.
She had asked Rafael to keep their engagement secret because of his mother, yet her reason went deeper than that. She would have to become accustomed to the idea of turning her back on England, to forsake her mother tongue for a foreign language and accept a new way of life as her own. Would she be able to maintain her own personality amongst all these strangers - to stop herself being absorbed into a way of life with which she did not wholly agree?
And then there was the question of fidelity. Surely Rafael must know she would never allow her marriage to become a replica of Manoel and Amalia's? The more she thought about it the more confused he became. There were so many difficulties they had not acknowledged, so many rocks lying beneath the surface that could wreck their life together.
But with that arrogance that was an essential part of him, Rafael refused to admit that there was anything they could not overcome.
'You are enlarging it out of all proportion,' he said finally. 'It is merely a matter of compromise.'
'Compromise,' she cried in her heart, but on whose side?'
If the Senhora noticed a difference in her son's attitude to his cousin's companion she gave no sign of it, and was as studiously polite to Lorna as ever. Since Rosalia's arrival she had begun to take more interest in the house, and Lorna would see her making a tour of inspection, peering into comers, running her fingers along the ledges and occasionally rebuking a maid with an asperity that dissolved the girl to tears.
Amalia was the first to guess the change in Lorna's relationship to Rafael, and one morning as they were strolling in the grounds she taxed her with it.
'You needn't deny it,' she concluded. 'You're positively alight whenever he's round. What's all the secrecy for?'
Lorna paused to pick a flower, holding it in her hands and studying the blossom as intently as if she were Proust. 'I don't think we know each other well enough,' she said at last. 'Why, even in the short time I've been here we've quarrelled like a cat and dog!'
'And you'll go on quarrelling as long as you're not married! I've been through it too. I don't know who said an engagement is th
e happiest time of your life. You're on edge and ready to fight with your shadow.' She spoke with some of her old animation. 'But heavens, it's perfectly obvious why! Two people in love can't be expected to behave normally when all they want to do is to rush into one another's arms.'
Lorna grinned, 'Now you're being basic!'
'Naturally — it's a basic urge! And you won't solve anything by hesitating.' She looked at her friend curiously. 'You're really afraid of Rafael, aren't you?'
'Not in the way you mean.' Lorna pulled the petals of the flower apart until they scattered at her feet like confetti. 'I'm only afraid that he can hurt me as a person. It's difficult to explain…
'I know what you mean,' Amalia said soberly. 'I can't say 'I felt the same with Manoel, but then he and Rafael are like chalk and cheese. No one could ever be afraid of my husband!' She touched Lorna's arm. 'I wish I could help you, but it's something you'll have to overcome yourself. Only don't forget you might hurt Rafael just as easily.'
'I doubt it. He's too strong.'
'And all the more vulnerable. He expects so much from people that he's twice as disillusioned when they let him down. Not that you would,' she said quickly, 'but I'm trying to make you see it from his point of view.'
'I do. That's the trouble,' Lorna sighed. 'And then there's the family. How do you think his mother is going to take it when she hears?'
'She'll probably hate it like hell. But then most mothers do!'
'She wouldn't hate it if it were Inez.'
'Not at first, perhaps, but I doubt if she'd like her for a daughter-in-law once she'd had a sample! I think you're worrying unduly. You'll be surprised how quickly everything will sort itself out once you're married.'
They moved further along the lane and Amalia began to talk of names for her unborn child. In a few moments the conversation was forgotten, yet it lingered disturbingly in Lorna's mind.
As she had expected, Rafael was an impatient lover and the hours they spent together were too infrequent to please him. He disliked having to sit quietly beside her at the dining-room table when he longed to catch her hand in his, or to retire to the opposite end of the room when his body yearned for her nearness.
For her part Lorna disliked the subterfuge even more, and she hated it when he was attentive to Inez, filled with jealousy to see the dark head bent low over the smooth white hand or the black eyes smiling intimately into the amber ones. It was then that she longed to proclaim that he was hers; then too she realized this jealousy would be an integral part of their life together. Rafael would always find women attractive, always be ready with a compliment or a pretty speech. He had all the chivalry of the Latins in his blood and to expect him to be otherwise would be useless.
On one occasion she taxed him with this and he looked at her in amazement.
'Don't you like it when I tell you your hair is like imprisoned sunlight and your eyes are the stars in my dreams?'
'Of course I do. Only I wonder how many times you've said it before.'
'My darling Lorna,' he said dryly, 'the times I said it before are unimportant. It's the times I say it afterwards that count!'
'Well, how many times would you?' she persisted. 'Say it afterwards, I mean.'
'That depends how many women I meet whose hair is like sunlight and whose eyes are stars!'
For a moment Lorna was incredulous, then looking up she saw the twinkle in his eyes.
"You beast, Rafael, you're teasing me!'
'Of course. You didn't expect me to take this nonsense seriously?'
They were sitting in the garden, shaded from the house by trees, and he pulled her on to his lap. 'I think my little English flower is jealous!'
'I am.' Lorna spoke vehemently. 'And I hate it. I've fought against it, but it's no good.'
'Of course it's no good,' he said softly. 'Jealousy is a part of love. I'm jealous that these fingers should touch anything but me, jealous of every thought in your head that is not wholly mine. Lorna darling, I can't stand being apart from you much longer. This ridiculous secrecy must end.'
'It will,' she evaded, and stifled his question with her lips. So many times before he had used their passion to subdue her arguments; this time it was her prerogative.
Under the pretext of showing her Portugal, she and Rafael spent long days together, but they came back more conscious of each other than of the beauties they had seen. Through Rafael's eyes the countryside took on a greater meaning, and although she still found it a land of harsh contrasts, of immense riches and degrading poverty, she gradually became accustomed to the differences and grew to understand the economic problems that lay at their root.
On one occasion they spent the evening in the little town of Cacilas, crossing by ferry boat from Lisbon. They dined at the Floresta restaurant, sitting on a balcony, their table overlooking the capital as it climbed its nine hills. One by one the lights came on in the city and the night was crowded with stars. The wide river darkened and the lamps on the boats flickered like fireflies in the' mimosa-scented air.
'It's all so beautiful and so different from home,' Lorna sighed.
'Every country is different, my darling, but you'll get to love this one as your own.'
'I hope so, Rafael. You're certainly doing your best to make me.'
'It is not my intention to "make" you do anything, Lorna. You must love Portugal because you want to.'
'It's difficult. It's beautiful, I grant you, but it's still foreign.'
He shot her a keen glance. 'Am I foreign too?'
'Sometimes.'
'And sometimes you're foreign to me.' Her eyes widened and he nodded.
That surprises you, doesn't it? But it shouldn't. There are many things you say and do that I cannot understand. When you laugh and I don't know what you're laughing about, when your cool eyes rest on me as they do now and I wonder what you are thinking, how you are judging me'.
'I never judge you.'
'My darling, you always judge the person you love.'
Then how do you judge me ?'
'As a tightly closed flower that will, I hope, unfold its petals to the Portuguese sun.'
His lips were almost touching her ear, his breath warm on the nape of her neck, yet no one took any notice. Occasionally dark eyes glanced at the swarthy-skinned, handsome Portuguese and the silver-haired English girl but then moved away again. They are lovers, the looks seemed to suggest, leave them to their pleasure!
The days passed in an even tenure of happiness, each one like a jewel that reflected their love in dazzling colours. But one evening as they sat in the drawing-room listening to music the Senhora broke through the final haunting cadenza as it echoed across the large room.
'Inez was telling me she intends to return home the day after tomorrow, Rafael. I think it would be a good idea if we all went out to dinner for her last evening.'
'Nothing would please me more, Mamma, but I have already made arrangements.' He smiled at Inez. 'I had no idea you were going back so soon. You have only been here a week.'
'I had a letter from my mother today saying she is not well,' Inez moved her head so that the lamplight reflected on the smooth chignon on the nape of her neck. 'I don't live far away, Rafael. Why not come and see us? Papa loves to have you.'
'At the moment it is difficult, but I will write to your father when I have a weekend free.'
'Are you sure you can't manage to come back with me tomorrow?'
'I am going to Alcobaco with Lorna. It was arranged some days ago.'
Inez caught her full lower lip between pointed teeth and when she spoke it was with deceptive sweetness. 'It is not good for Miss Fairfax's reputation that you are alone so much.'
'Lorna would consider that remark old-fashioned,'
Rafael said curtly. 'She thinks our ideas of chaperoning completely out of date, don't you, my dear?'
Forced into the conversation, Lorna had no option but to reply. 'I'm afraid I do, rather, but that's only because I'm used to being in
dependent'
Inez smoothed her hair. 'Here, we consider it part of the thrill of the chase for a man to know he cannot be alone with a woman.'
Then I'm glad I'm not Portuguese. I'd find it degrading to be watched all the time as if I couldn't be trusted.'
'It is not a question of trust, merely—'
There's little point in arguing, Inez.' The Senhora came into the fray. 'Your ideas and Miss Fairfax's are so different there can be no common meeting ground. I am sure she will have much with which to amuse her friends when she returns home.'
'Please don't think I'm ridiculing your ideas,' Lorna protested. 'It's only that I don't see why everyone should find a man and woman guilty because they're alone together. It speaks of - of - nastiness always to jump to dishonourable conclusions.'
There was an awkward silence and Lorna was intensely aware of Rafael pulling at his lip, his brow set mutinously. But she was unprepared for his next action, for he stood up, switched off the radiogram, slammed down the lid and turned to face them.
'It is time we told them the truth, Lorna! I am tired of these petty arguments and jealousies.' He looked directly at his mother. 'You must realize that Lorna was brought up differently from the women here. We consider her ways strange and she is entitled to think the same way about us. But—' he moved over to Lorna and placed an arm around her shoulders, his muscles tense and hard - 'But I will have no criticism of my fiancee. Lorna has consented to be my wife and we intend to get married as soon as possible.'
In the startled silence that followed Lorna's eyes travelled from face to face: Inez venomous, Amalia radiant, and Manoel and Rosalia registering nothing but complete astonishment, while behind them all the Senhora's black-clad figure was shrunken and withdrawn. Then as if a camera clicked, action began again.
Amalia clapped her hands. 'What wonderful news! I've been waiting for it all along.' She hurried over to Lorna and kissed her. 'I'm terribly happy for you, and you too, Rafael!'
Rachel Lindsay - Alien Corn Page 10
