Magic and Mayhem: Secrets, Lies, and Meatballs (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Spaghetti Romances Book 2)

by Jordan K. Rose

  Although she’d only met them one other time when she and Ralph were eight she’d seen enough pictures and knew enough to recognize them instantly.

  “Uncle Nunzio. Uncle Patrizio. This day just keeps getting better.”

  “Hello, dear, sweet, beautiful niece,” the uncles said, advancing with arms open.

  Lena braced for a huggy-kissy fest. They bounced her back and forth between them hugging, and kissing, and pinching her cheeks like they hadn’t seen her in twenty-five years (which they hadn’t) and were so very happy to finally reunite.

  “So grown up. So lovely.” She toppled from one into the arms of the other. “We’ve missed you. What wonderful…hair, no, never mind…well…your eyes, you have your mother’s eyes,” the one wearing red said.

  He held her at arm’s length. “I think that’s Mom’s nose.”

  The other’s head appeared beside his brother’s. “Yes. I agree. Thankfully, she does not have her father’s nose, which is ours, which is our father’s.” He adjusted his purple tie, then smoothed his long black hair from his face.

  “We have a good nose,” the first one said.

  “Yes, good for a man, but would you want to see a woman with this schnozzole?” the uncle in purple tilted his head to the side, displaying quite a profile.

  “Goddess, no.”

  They hadn’t changed since Lena last saw them more than twenty-five years ago. In fact, she thought they might be wearing the exact same suits.

  “Where have you been?” she asked.

  “Oh, here,” one said.

  “There,” the other said.

  “Everywhere.” They laughed.

  Lena did not laugh. Their lack of appearance at family gatherings, holidays, and every single Sunday dinner had caused Nonna heartache, which caused everyone else indigestion.

  “Why are you here now and what do you want from me?” It was peculiar beyond words for them to come see Lena. They should have been with Nonna or at least with Dad, but for them to be with Lena meant something was up.

  “Blood is thicker than water,” one of them said, and the other rapidly nodded. “And we are blood.” The first one pointed from the uncles to Lena.

  A very disturbing pit opened in Lena’s stomach, and alarms sounded in her mind.

  “We understand you have a meatball mission, and we want to help,” one of them said, but they both grinned like sharks. “The meatball always knows.”

  “Yes, now where is this bear?” the other asked.

  “I’m leaving.” She thought to teleport home, but before the magic could pull her from the building two hands caught her and the words, “Stay, I pray to help your fam-lay” were said by both uncles, and just like that Lena was trapped into helping them with whatever outlandish problem they had.

  Chapter Seven

  Sitting on an enormous fluffy chair, so big her feet couldn’t touch the floor and so deep her legs were out straight, Lena stewed about being so dumb as to announce she was leaving.

  Anytime anyone from her family touched anyone else and said that stupid little chant the witch was bound to stay and help—no matter how insane or mundane the need.

  “What? What do you want?” She knew this could not possibly end well for her. Nothing ever ended well for anyone when these two were involved. Why would she be any different?

  “Obviously, we need your help, but first, what’s my name?” the uncle wearing red asked.

  “Oh, yes. Let’s see if you can still tell us apart. You were so good at this when you were little,” the purple wearing uncle said.

  “I’m not little anymore and this isn’t fun anymore.” She scrunched up her face.

  “You’re still so cute.” Uncle Red pinched her cheek.

  “Now, look closely and see if you can tell which one I am,” Uncle Purple squatted before her, which of course meant Uncle Red followed.

  They were nearly impossible to distinguish. Both had collar length, wavy, black hair, thick eyebrows above green eyes, and the exact same shaped nose as her dad. They even smiled exactly the same—in a devilish sort of way that Lena was certain made women all over the world swoon.

  It did not have that effect on her. Certainly as a child seeing them smile made her giggle. But as a grown woman, well aware of her grandmother’s son-invoked heartbreak, those smiles did not make her laugh.

  “Who am I?” Uncle Purple wiggled his eyebrows. At the same moment Uncle Red nodded and his right eyebrow crept upward.

  “You’re Patrizio,” she said flatly.

  “Very good. I’m always impressed that you can guess. Your brother is only 50-50. What gives me away?” Uncle Patrizio asked.

  “I’m not telling.” There was no way she’d tell her secret, not even to Ralph, who’d end up letting it slip and then they’d never be able to figure out which was which.

  A giant pink canopy appeared above them, sprawling the length of the room before long silver and pink streamers of fabric billowed to the floor. It was the exact same tent they’d conjured at their last visit twenty-five years ago.

  “You do know I’m a thirty-three-year-old witch and not eight, right?” Lena chided her uncles, doing her absolute best to sound annoyed they’d treat her like a child.

  Though, it was particularly difficult to be annoyed when the overflowing cosmetics cart appeared in the corner and several jars of her childhood favorite candies popped into the cubbies where jars of doggie treats and sewing supplies had sat.

  In the very back of the tent a table laden with beautiful fine china, steaming trays of food, and the conspicuous simmering pot appeared. A pink princess throne slid back from one end.

  When the corral of puppies arrived she squealed and vaulted off the chair.

  Maybe secretly Lena was still eight.

  She scooped up a little Husky with mismatched eyes and a very cold nose. “Hello, little baby.” Climbing into the pen, she dropped down in the middle of six yipping and yapping fur balls.

  “Can I keep them?”

  “They’re all for you. All of this is for you,” Uncle Nunzio said.

  “I love them. I’ll make costumes for them and…” The sound of her voice, the same voice she’d used when two ponies appeared on their last visit, caught her attention and jerked her back to reality. “Never mind that. What are you up to?”

  She glared at the two conniving men.

  “We’re your uncles. We care for you, and of course for your bear-shifter friend, and the fourth full moon of your thirty-third year is right around the corner.” Uncle Patrizio nuzzled the ears of a puppy standing on his hind legs. “Let’s eat.”

  One uncle grabbed her under her arms. The other lifted her feet, and together they carried her along with three puppies to the throne.

  “Smells delicious,” Uncle Patrizio said. He grabbed a piece of bread and dunked it into the piping hot spaghetti sauce. “Ooh. Perfect.” He bit the bread and moaned, and anyone would have thought he’d reached Nirvana.

  “Hmm. Yes.” Uncle Nunzio scooped a giant helping of capellini onto the plate in front of Lena. “Some cheese and a piece of bread.”

  Lena had to agree. It smelled wonderful. Logically, she should not want to eat. She’d just eaten a lovely or mostly lovely meal with Nonna, but the gravy on the spaghetti smelled so good. She could hardly resist.

  “Meat always goes nicely. Sausage and a meatball.” Uncle Patrizio dropped a sausage on the plate and then scooped a giant, very familiar looking meatball onto the slotted spoon.

  “Meatball? What the fazoole?” Lena jumped up from the table, still holding the puppies.

  “What’s the matter, gnoccini?” Uncle Patrizio asked. “Aren’t you hungry?”

  “What’s the big idea?” It had to be a conspiracy, some sort of weird familial pact to force her into a meatball magic matrimonial nightmare.

  “We don’t know what you’re talking about,” Uncle Patrizio said, holding the meatball in front of his face. “Mmm-mmm. Smells so good. Try it.”
He pushed the meatball toward Lena.

  She pushed his hand away. “You eat it.”

  “It’s yours. You eat it,” he said.

  “You think it smells so good. I’m giving it to you.”

  “I don’t want it. You eat.” He held the spoon higher.

  “Nope. Not gonna happen.” If her womanizing uncles were trying to get her to eat the meatball, something was going on, and there was no way in hell she was eating that damn meatball.

  “Eat the meatball!” Uncle Nunzio yelled. “Eat it!” He grabbed the spoon and ran around the table. “This is life or death! Eat the meatball!”

  Lena ran.

  For the next ten minutes her uncles chased her around the shop yelling, “Eat the meatball. Eat it!” while she zigzagged past furniture and under tables, yelling, “Never! Never! Never!”

  Having deposited the puppies back into their pen, Lena ran full tilt toward the door with every intention of escaping her lunatic uncles but ran straight into her father.

  “Oooffph.” They crashed to the floor when Patrizio tackled them from the right.

  “Don’t let her go!” Uncle Nunzio yelled before tripping over an escaped puppy and landing atop the pile.

  “Oooffph.”

  “Oooffph.”

  “Oooffph.”

  The meatball flew into the air, and time stood still as all four watched its rise and slow plummet. The one lucid thought Lena had was, “if that meatball hits the floor, I’m home free.”

  But it didn’t hit the floor. Instead, that stupid meatball made a hard right turn and headed back to the pot like a high-tech bomb.

  “Damn it,” Lena said.

  “What the hell is going on? Why are you both here?” Dad barked.

  “Hey, Giacomo. How’ve you been?” Nunzio said.

  “This is how you greet your brothers? Like this? We haven’t seen you in yeeeaaaars and this is how you great us? It’s good to see you, too.” Patrizio helped Dad to his feet, then hugged and kissed him and cried with what Lena thought might have been joy, though it could have been fear because Dad did not look happy.

  The three brothers seemed to have some sort of silent fight of glares, grunts, and head jerks before ending in a tearful group hug.

  Lena quietly tiptoed toward the door.

  “Stop!” Dad said.

  “Fine!” Lena turned around. “What are you doing here?” She pointed at the three brothers, who were clearly up to no damned good. “Start talking or I’ll do the one thing we’ll all hate. I’ll call Nonna!”

  “No!”

  Chapter Eight

  With a passive wave Dad returned the shop to its original state, except for the hovering pot. “Lena, we need you to eat the meatball.” His voice was more serious than she’d ever heard it.

  “Eat the meatball,” Nunzio shouted.

  Everyone looked at him.

  “I’m sorry. I’m worried. It’s the moon.” His hair stood out in every direction. His red tie had spun around his neck and hung down his back. Both he and Patrizio were sweaty messes.

  “Just let me handle this,” Dad said.

  “Well handle it.” Patrizio swiped a hand through his hair, leaving a swath of gray.

  “You said you’d handle it twenty-five years ago. You said this would work. You said we had nothing to worry about.” Nunzio paced back and forth between his brothers, stopping to look at Lena. “Well, I’m worried!” he shouted.

  “She is not behaving. She is not doing what you said she’d do. Can’t you control her?” Patrizio asked.

  “How the hell was I supposed to know she’d…” Dad looked at Lena, then turned to his brothers and lowered his voice. “If I’d known then that Ralph would be the more obedient one, I’d have known this was a bad idea. But how could I have predicted? Back then she was wonderful.”

  Lena cleared her throat.

  Dad turned and smiled. “You’re still wonderful, just in a very different way.” Turning back to his brothers, his voice lowered again. “Also, I didn’t realize at that time I’d be…” He glanced back at Lena, smiled, and nodded, then pulled his brothers closer. “I, uh, it’s not like I’m jumping for joy at the idea of, uh, anyone treating my little girl like, uh, you know, a wife, if you understand what I’m saying.”

  “Ohh, right.” Her uncles looked over and nodded.

  “Right. I didn’t think about that.” Uncle Patrizio’s eyes narrowed. “I got an idea. We get her to eat the meatball, let the thing happen that we need to happen…” Still looking at Lena, he smiled, nodded, but out of the corner of his mouth he mumbled, “…then, we kill the bear before any fornication happens.”

  Lena’s eyes literally hurt from how wide they opened.

  “Fornication? Fornication?” Nunzio smacked the palm of his hand to his head. “If that bear lays one hand on her, never mind anything else, I’ll put his ass into that statue so fast he—”

  “Shut it!” Dad shouted.

  “What is going on?” Lena said. “You have exactly ten seconds to explain or I’m calling Nonna and Mom, and Baba Yaga.”

  “You’re a very bad girl!” Uncle Nunzio snapped.

  “And you’re a maniac whose tie is on backwards! Now spill it!”

  Grabbing the tie, he pulled the knot loose and yanked it off.

  “Lena, your uncles and I thought we were proving a point or at least helping Nonna when we did what we did, and we were young…er than we are now at the time.” Dad looked at his brothers.

  “That’s a good start,” Patrizio said.

  Dad took a deep breath. “What I’m going to tell you is a little bit shocking so try not to judge us.”

  “This is a judgment free zone.” Patrizio reached his arms wide in a circular motion. “Where you’re standing, included. You don’t see us judging you.”

  “We thought our father was a bit of a cad who needed to learn the value of Nonna’s love,” Dad said.

  Nunzio clasped his hands together at his chest. “A saint, your nonna. A saint.”

  Patrizio’s eyes teared up. “Yeah. The best.”

  “Remember the time Mom—” Nunzio began, but Lena’s patience had run out.

  “What did you do and what does it have to do with me?” she demanded.

  “We put a spell on your grandfather and we tied it to you and Ralph falling in love,” Dad said.

  “It’s a perfectly logical spell, tied quite nicely to the one thing that would make your nonna happy and relates to your grandfather’s problem,” Patrizio said.

  “Brilliant, really.” Nunzio stuffed the tie into his pocket. “If you would behave, but seeing as you refuse to do the one thing…” He lifted his index finger, and Lena realized he probably wanted to use the middle one. “…the one thing that will make your nonna the happiest woman in the world. Why can’t you do that for her?”

  “This is why I don’t have kids,” Patrizio said.

  “Me either. These ungrateful little brats.” Nunzio scowled.

  “Really, you think you are the ones deciding not to have kids?” Lena pointed from one uncle to the other. “I’ve got news for you. There isn’t a witch alive or yet to be conceived who’d—”

  Dad’s hand clamped over Lena’s mouth. “It’s not necessary. They already know the truth about why they don’t have kids.” He shook his head. “Let’s not make this worse.”

  “Worse?” she mumbled into his palm. “Worse than this? How?”

  If she’d thought her uncles were selfish before, they’d just redefined self-centered and moronic. On top of that she hadn’t realized her father was so, so, so foolish.

  “Listen to me, Lena.” Dad put his arm around her shoulder. “I’d never ask anything this monumental of you, if I didn’t really know what was good for you.”

  Lena did something she hadn’t done in several years. She rolled her eyes right in Dad’s face. “Right.”

  “Listen, the meatball knows.”

  “Are you kidding me?” She pushed out of
his embrace. “Nonna told you to say that, didn’t she?” That stupid meatball was ruining her life.

  Her uncles groaned loudly.

  “Everybody knows the meatball knows,” Patrizio said.

  “Jimmy is your true love. You can avoid it or you can enjoy it. It’s up to you. But you’re wasting time fighting it.” Dad sighed. “No matter how I feel about it, and in case it matters, I actually like the kid, though, I’m never going to tell him that, you have to decide for yourself if you want to be happy or turn into one of these idiots.” He pointed to his brothers.

  “We won’t eat the meatballs. That’s what your father’s saying. We refuse. We even hexed the mate-balls so no one would eat them.” Nunzio scowled. “Those damn meatballs.”

  “That’s what I’m saying.” Lena pointed at Uncle Nunzio. “So why do I have to eat the stupid meatball?”

  “Because your grandfather is trapped in that damn statue in the backyard for as long as it takes for you and Ralph to find love.” Dad plopped on the chair behind the sewing machine. “I can’t believe I let you two talk me into that stupid spell.”

  “Mom’s going to kill us if she finds out,” Nunzio said.

  “Mom? What do you think Dad’s going to do when he gets out?” Patrizio said.

  All three brothers looked like they’d just been sentenced to a hundred years of hard labor. Lena felt like she was waiting for a jury to decide between sending her to the electric chair or the firing squad.

  Chapter Nine

  “Do you mean he’s literally trapped in the marble?” Lena sat around a card table with her uncles and dad, everyone staring into a giant crystal ball, above which the meatball pot floated.

  The scene was of her parents’ backyard where the statue stood looking supremely regal in the moonlight. Nonna sat on the bench in her psychedelic graduation garb talking to the statue.

  “She’s supposed to be in Sicily,” Lena said.

  Nunzio groaned.

  “She probably went, made her speech, and came back. She’d never stay long without Dad. Now I’ll bet she’s telling him every detail,” Dad said.