Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody)

by Michelle Hartz

  African School

  Like many other zombies, unlife hasn’t treated me well.

  Unlike some other zombies, I decided to make the most of this. I was out of work and living on the streets, so I volunteered for missionary work in Africa. It was harder than I expected, since I’ve never been a religious person.

  I finally convinced the Peace Corps to take me in, since no church would have me. I was on the first plane to Ethiopia.

  The other people in the Peace Corps were great. Most of them treated me just like a human, living and all. One of the rules was that every volunteer had to have a decent meal every day. By making it a rule, every volunteer was healthy and able to keep working without feeling guilty when they had food and the people they were trying to help didn’t.

  I had the unique situation where I didn’t need the food to survive. Sure, I took a little, for two reasons. One, by eating a little, the other people in my camp thought I was complying with the rules and eating my rations. But also, it kept my stomach from rumbling too uncomfortably.

  So I ate enough to not feel like I was starving (not that I actually could), and I snuck the rest out to the children at the school. I think the other volunteers knew I did this, but no one said anything.

  Due to another unique aspect of my condition, I could work for hours on end without getting tired. Nearly single-handedly, I erected wells, and helped till farms, and built sustainable school houses.

  When I wasn’t working hard labor, I also helped teach the young children. In addition to the basics like English, math, and reading, we were also teaching them ways to be able to carry on in their village once we were gone. We taught them, even the young ones, how engineers had come up with the technology they used, so that hopeful they could develop technology on their own.

  Finally, the time for me to leave had come. The desert was making my un-healable skin into human jerky, and I didn’t have the ability to heal. The kids at the school threw me a big party and showed off their new inventor attitudes. They dyed the straw and plant material from the farms and braided it to use as streamers. They gave me gifts of local jewelry and balms for my skin.

  But the best present was from a six year old boy. One of the things that spurred my need to go back to the states was an accident that happened the week before. I was helping a sick farmer in his field, and pushing a bit too hard on the shovel, and my leg popped right off. One of the crew fashioned a crutch for me, but it was very uncomfortable and hard to get around on.

  And then this little boy walked into the classroom carrying this contraption. I didn’t realize what it was until he helped me put it on. Basically, he fashioned me a prosthetic leg out of straw and mud. It fit perfectly and made it much easier to walk around.

  I was deeply touched, not only by the boy’s intelligence, but that he used it to make something just to accommodate my special undead needs.

  (back to TOC)

  ****

  Celebrations

  Death Day

  “I have reservations for ten people. It should be under the name of ‘Luke.’”

  “I have you right here. Is your entire party present?”

  “Well, everyone except the guest of honor and her boyfriend. But we want to be seated before they get here. It’s a surprise.”

  “Okay. Give us just a minute to get your table ready.”

  “Thank you,” said the lady. She went back over to the group of people standing by the door. “They said it would be just a minute,” she told them.

  A younger lady said, “I hope they have it ready before she gets here.”

  A handsome man in his mid-twenties asked, “Do you want me to text Matt?”

  But before anyone could answer, the hostess called, “Luke, party of ten?”

  They followed her, and she led them to tables set up together in the back surrounded by ten chairs. “Is this okay?” she asked.

  “Oh yes, this is fine.” They sat around the table, leaving the spot at the head of the table, plus a chair beside it, free for the guest of honor and her boyfriend.

  Not long after they got settled in, a once handsome male zombie followed the hostess through the restaurant to the table with his busty undead girlfriend. When they got to the table, her friends and family yelled, “Surprise!”

  She slapped her boyfriend on the arm. “You tricked me!” He just laughed.

  After being greeted by the rest of the table, getting hugs and kisses, she took her seat. The waiter came up, told them the specials, and then asked, “So what’s the occasion?”

  “It’s Tia’s death day!” said the lady who seemed to be at the head of the group.

  “Well, Happy Death Day,” he said to the girl at the head of the table, and then proceeded to take everyone’s orders.

  After everyone had finished their meals, the waiter brought a small cake with a single candle atop it to the table. He was followed by several others in the wait staff, and they began to sing:

  “Happy Death Day to you!

  You still don’t look blue!

  And still tie your own shoes!

  Death’s door you slipped through!

  Happy Death Day to you!”

  “Any many moooorrrre!” her friend added.

  The party laughed and clapped, then passed around slices of cake.

  “I guess we can’t spank you for death days, huh?” said an older gentleman.

  “Dad, please!” said the girl, but everyone else laughed.

  “So how many years has it been?” asked her friend.

  “Four years now.”

  “Wow, four years already?” said her boyfriend’s friend. “You don’t look like you’ve been dead more than 24 hours!”

  “You should see her in the morning!” her boyfriend joked, and she slapped him on the arm again. “Hey, not so hard,” he said. “If you bruise it, I’m not going to heal.”

  “Oh you poor baby,” she said in a baby voice. “Here, let me kiss it and make you better.” She kissed his arm then kissed him on the lips.

  They filed out the door, and she gave everyone a hug. “Thank you so much,” she said. “This has been the best death day ever!”

  (back to TOC)

  ****

  The Wake

  The church was decorated in her favorite colors, pink and navy blue. Ribbons were wrapped around the rails to the front stairs, and also around the columns that held up the overhang for cars to drive up to the door.

  The doors opened up into the lobby of the church. Here, people were socializing in groups of threes, fours, and fives. Occasionally, laughter would erupt from a group and echo to the high ceiling. The doors to the fellowship hall were opened, where round tables were being set up for the after service dinner. A vase of pink roses was set in the center of each table, along with a navy blue candle. Along the back wall were trays of appetizers, small pink plates, and bottles of soda with blue plastic cups. The napkins were pink with a navy blue monogram of “L. E. F.”

  Across the lobby from the fellowship hall was the main congregation hall. The doors led into the back of the church where worshipers could walk up either side of the aisle to the pews. Ribbons of blue with pink flowers graced the outside of the pews, and a pink cloth led down the center aisle to a table set up at the front of the room next to the podium. The table was draped with pink and blue cloths.

  A middle aged woman sat at the table in the chair closest to the podium. Her hair was freshly cut and styled and she was wearing a brand new beautiful dress. She had a modest string of pearls around her neck, and she was wearing the diamond earrings her husband had given her for their anniversary. She looked happy but very tired, and she had tinted glasses covering her eyes. Although she was wearing makeup, it looked out of place, the way a mortician would make up someone they had already preserved.

  The people from the lobby were now meandering into the room, and the people who had been up front talking to the guest of honor took their seats. Several people sat in the
seats to the left of the lady, and they gave her hugs and kisses as they passed.

  A man in a navy blue suit with a pink rose on the lapel stepped up to the podium. “Ladies and gentleman, we are gathered here to honor Lucy Elisa Finch.

  “As you know, Mrs. Finch saw the last of her life a week ago last Tuesday. Fortunately for us, (or unfortunately for some others),” people in the audience laughed at this, “Lucy was blessed with reanimation and able to stay with us. Today we are celebrating her life and giving her our well wishes as she begins anew.”

  The people in the pews clapped as the host took his seat. A short woman at the end of the table got up and stood behind the podium. She reached up and pulled the mic down closer.

  “Lucy is my best friend,” she looked over to the guest of honor, who gave her a warm smile back. “When we were kids, I would go over to her house, and we would sneak into her mom’s closet to play dress up. We’d wrap her scarves around our necks and walk around in her high heels, her skirts trailing on the floor behind us, and call each other Darling.” Everyone smiled.

  “I remember one time we found her mom’s lingerie drawer.” Lucy laughed, embarrassed. “It was summer, and later that day her mom took us out shopping. I asked her mom if she would buy me a black lace swimsuit too!” The guests laughed.

  “Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had a second chance at life. Lucy, I know you will make it the best unlife ever.” She gave her friend a hug before sitting back down.

  Finally, the man next to Lucy gave her hand a squeeze, got up, and took his place behind the podium. “My dearest wife,” he said. “Or perhaps I should say ex-wife; it is ‘Until death do you part,’ after all.” The audience laughed.

  He continued, “You gave me the happiest years of my life, and the best years of yours. God blessed us with two beautiful children. Obviously, they got their looks from your side of the family.” The audience laughed again. “I’m so happy He chose not to take you so soon after all, and if all goes well, next month you’ll be seeing your first grandchild.” The people in the pews clapped. “All I can say is Thank You for giving me all of yourself. I love you.” Amidst gales of applause, he gave her a long, deep kiss, and then sat back down.

  Lucy finally stood up behind the podium. “Thank you everyone for coming. This is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I don’t know what to say. Just thank you,” she said, and sat back down.

  Her friends and family applauded and cheered, then she led them out of the chapel and into the fellowship hall. Before they went inside, guests lined up to sign a framed picture of her that said at the top, “In Memory of, and Congratulations to, Lucy Finch!”

  (back to TOC)

  ****

  Obituary

  NOVEMBER 2, 2011: Gerry L. Kendrick passed away yesterday, November 1st, 2011, at home in Indianapolis, Indiana, at the age of 42, from complications of an infection.

  Gerry was born in South Bend, Indiana on August 15th, 1969 to “Al” Aloysius Kendrick and Sibyl Matheny Kendrick. He was the youngest of 3 children. He graduated with honors at 16 years old from Central High School in 1986 in the same class as his sister, Joan Kendrick. His oldest sister is Sarah Sitton.

  He enrolled in Indiana University’s Pre Med program right out of high school and finished his Bachelor’s degree in an outstanding three years. He went on intending to become a Doctor of Medicine until he was rejected from several internships due to age discrimination. Instead, he went on to become a nurse and specialized in helping people who had contracted the Rhabdoviridae Orthomyxoviridate virus. A leader in his field, he helped develop a rehabilitation program for those who continued to be animated after death, called The Kendrick Program.

  As if he had the foresight, Gerry will be enrolling in the program he developed, since he was reanimated earlier today, the morning of November 2nd, 2011.

  He is survived by his mother Sibyl, sister Sarah Sitton, and nieces Fiona and Hannah Sitton, and nephew Jared Kendrick. He was predeceased by his father, Al. He will be joining his sister Joan Kendrick who is already differently animated.

  A wake will be held on Saturday, November 5th at 6pm, at the Smith Conference Center in celebration of his life and good wishes for his unlife.

  (back to TOC)

  ****

  Valentine’s Day

  Chez Nous was always busy on Valentine’s Day, and this year was no exception. They were booked up the whole night with reservations made weeks in advance.

  In the back corner, out of the view of most of the patrons, sat a young zombie couple at a table for two lit by a single taper candle. They were obviously in love, and spent most of the evening gazing into each other’s eyes.

  They got the special of the night, a steak for two, rare, and ate it together, sharing the same plate. They shared a bottle of champagne, and finished with an ice cream sundae.

  At the end of the meal, the zombie man took out a box, large enough to hold something significant, but small enough to fit in his hands. It was wrapped in white and topped off with a red bow.

  He handed it to his date and said, “I wanted to show you how important you are to me. So this is the most significant thing I could think of that I could give you.”

  “You shouldn’t have,” she said, and took the box. She carefully untied the bow and opened the lid. Inside was a heart, fresh and still beating.

  “Thank you!” she cried, overcome with joy.

  He opened his shirt to show the slash where he had cut it open. “I love you,” he said.

  She gave him a huge hug and a kiss. “I love you too!”

  (back to TOC)

  ****

  Zombie Man and Zombie Wife

  The church was decorated with white bells, ribboned roses, and calla lilies. Each pew had a red rose crossed with a white lily, tied together with gold ribbon, hanging from the end of the bench.

  The ushers were dressed in traditional black tuxes with a red rose corsage affixed to their lapel. Once the last person was seated, the organist began playing.

  The preacher in his robes, and the groom with a white lily on his lapel, stood at the head of the room. The groomsmen escorted the bridesmaids in red dresses down the aisle. “Oh, those dresses are perfect,” one guest whispered to her friend. “There’s no chance you’ll see any blood.”

  Next the flower girl walked down the white runner that was laid out for the occasion, sprinkling red roses along the way. “Oh, how sweet of them to include little Mary,” someone else said. “It was such a shame that she died so young.”

  “Cutest little zombie I’ve ever seen,” said another guest on the groom’s side.

  And then the Bridal Chorus started, and everyone stood up to look at the bride. The guests whispered among each other.

  “Oh my god, she’s wearing a white dress. Won’t the wounds show through?”

  “I heard they have a way to keep them from weeping. It looks nice and clean to me.”

  “She’s beautiful! She looks like she only died yesterday!”

  Then the preacher began to start the ceremony. “Dear friends and family, dead and living, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Courtney Albrecht and Brett Manning in marriage.”

  Then to the couple, he said, “No other love, human or undead, is deeper than the love of husband and wife. Today is the first day on the best journey of your afterlife.”

  To the groom, he said, “Do you, Brett, take Courtney to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in unlife and death, to love and cherish from this day forward, until decapitation or decay do you part?”

  The groom said, “I do.”

  He repeated the vows to the bride, and she said, “I do.”

  Then they retrieved the rings from the ring bearer, and placed them on each other’s fingers. There was a tense moment when it looked like the groom’s finger might break off, but eventually the ring got on it safe and sound.
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  Finally, the priest said, “By the power vested in me by the state of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you man and wife.” The couple kissed until they thought their lips might fall off.

  “Family and friends, I present to you, Mr. Brett and Mrs. Courtney Manning.” The guests cheered and blew bubbles as the newlyweds left the church.

  (back to TOC)

  ****

  A Zombie Christmas

  The children woke when it was still dark outside. The little girl was awake first, but it took only a, “pssst!” to her brother to wake him up too.

  They ran into the living room to find the area under the Christmas tree filled with presents. The little girl began to reach for one, but the little boy said, “You gotta wait for mom and dad.”

  “Well, we can at least look in our stockings.”

  They pulled their stockings down from the mantle. The huge red socks with fluffy white trim were brimming with treats.

  “Look, I got chocolate covered brains!” said the little boy.

  “Ooh!” said the little girl, “jelly filled fingers, my favorite!” She popped one in her mouth.

  “You’re not supposed to eat that yet,” said her brother.

  She said, “Let’s go wake up mom and dad then!”

  They ran into their parent’s room and jumped on the bed.

  “Mama, dada, mama, dada!” the little girl yelled.

  The little boy added, “Zombie Claus came, and brought us presents!”