See, this is why I should have plenty of time to get dressed, because I’m an idiot. “Whatever. I’ll fix them in a minute.” I finish off my makeup, knowing it’s not the best, but it’s passable. After that I take my pants off, putting them on the right way this time. “Let’s go, bitches.”
I pass my two friends, who are still giggling like bimbos.
Once we get into the car and I pull away Dani turns to me. “Okay, spill.”
“A lady never kisses and tells,” I say, not even glancing over at her.
She laughs. “Yeah, well, you haven’t been a lady since freshman year if I remember correctly. So, spill.”
I look at her in shock. “Ugh, I hate you.” Neither of them says a word, and I know I’m not getting out of this without telling them. “Fine. It was great, like blow my mind best sex I’ve had in a while.”
They squeal, and I just shake my head.
“You sure you’ll be able to walk around all day after getting banged?” Dani shoots at me before getting out of the car.
“I don’t know why I like you.” I narrow my eyes at her.
“Because I’m awesome.” She walks off toward the fairy costumes without a care.
I glare at the stupid ball gown, so not wanting to put it on today. My phone dings and I look at it to see a text from Justin.
Text me if you want some more big boy sauce.
I swear he is relentless. It still makes me laugh, though. I text him back, letting him know that I get off work late tonight, but that I’ll let him know how I feel later.
I eventually break down and put the stupid dress on along with the demon heels that hate my feet. Just another day in Dreamland, the happiest place on Earth.
Today, first on my agenda is a parade. This is my least favorite part of the job. It’s miles through the park of constant waving, smiling, and pretending that Prince Charming isn’t a dickhead. I should get a damn Oscar for the performances I put on with him, during our relationship and now. I honestly don’t know what I ever saw in him. I think it’s because I was never part of the popular crowd and that’s exactly what he was. He was the guy all the boys wanted to be and all the girls wanted to date, and he wanted me.
By the time the parade is over my arm feels like it might fall off. I didn’t sleep much last night, which really was a good thing, so I’m super tired. All I want right now is to take my lunch and maybe use the half hour for a power nap. Food is overrated when it comes to sleep.
As I’m walking toward the staff area I can’t help but see Jeremy once again engaged in a disgusting make out session. Except it isn’t even Tonya. This girl is new, and I haven’t learned her name yet. Poor girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into.
Not watching where I’m going, I collide with someone, almost losing my balance. Looking up, I’m stopped dead in my tracks. It can’t be. My luck cannot be this bad. I take in the fake wig with dreadlocks, the dirty tattered costume, and the guy liner.
“Hey there, funny seeing you here,” Justin says to me with a smile.
He’s a fucking pirate?!
“Well, hello there, Princess.” Justin does an over exaggerated bow.
“Um, hey, I didn’t know you…I mean, I didn’t realize…you’re a pirate here?” I nervously stammer through my sentence. I have never been more shocked by anything in my life. Okay, maybe the ending of Titanic. I couldn’t believe that bitch Rose didn’t make room for Jack on the huge door. I was definitely more shocked then, asshole.
He winks at me. “Aye! Me buried treasure is in me pocket if you want some, wench.”
Jesus Christ.
Real fucking funny, Karma.
I already got screwed over by the metro manwhore of the park, now this?
“Sorry, I, uh...I need to go do a meet and greet.” I start to walk away when he calls my name.
“Maybe later I’ll swab your deck.”
My eyes widen and I give him my practiced smile.
Fuck. My. Life.
I walk faster than I ever thought humanly possible in these heels. A normal guy. It’s all I wanted. Is that so much to ask for? No, I get Jack Sparrow’s horny brother.
A little girl steps in front of me, and I almost fall over her. “Princess Lily!” She looks up at me with admiration.
I would love to be as blissfully naive as these little girls. “Hello there, princess.” We call all the little girls that and each time they get the biggest smiles on their faces.
“Why were you talking to that dirty pirate? My brother likes them, but I think they’re gross. Where is the prince?” She looks around.
Well, dear, I’ve been banging the pirate before realizing how gross he was. Oh, and my prince is probably getting some much-needed STD treatment.
“The pirate was just asking me if I had seen his treasure chest. I’m actually on my way to the castle now to join the prince. Have a magical day.” I give her my princess wave and hightail it out of there before she can ask me another question.
I pull my phone out of my bra because God forbid they make ball gowns with pockets. Crap, I have a meet and greet in a half an hour all the way across the park. I really need to talk to Dani or Melanie. Either that or I need a drink. Both really aren’t possible right now, so I pull up my big girl panties and start making my way toward the meeting spot.
When I see Ethan, my manager, walking my way, nervousness floods my body. “Kate, we need to speak.”
I look around in shock that he’s talking to me in the middle of the park.
“I’ve been getting reports that you haven’t been your most magical you.” His hand waves around in the air.
I cannot believe he just said that shit. Who talks like that? This only cements the fact that all these people are batshit crazy.
“You are Dreamland’s princess. You need to be happy, smiling, cheerful, and ladylike at all times. When you walk through the park you should project an air of—”
“Magic?” I say a little more sarcastically than I should.
“Exactly. Lately, you seem to be more evil villain than beautiful princess. We cannot have that. If this persists we will need to assign you to a different position. Right now the only opening I have is in the Fairy Garden.”
Fuck. No. “You can’t demote me to one of those glitter slinging airheads!” I cover my mouth quickly.
“That is enough. The fairies play a vital role here and the children love them. Just know that I will be watching you closely. You need to improve your behavior immediately or I’ll be forced to assign you.” Ethan walks away without waiting for another response from me.
“Glitter slinging airheads?”
I turn around to see Dani standing behind me with her arms crossed in front of her.
“Shut up. You know I can’t stand those idiots and that you’re the exception.” I sigh. I really need to get my shit together. I cannot afford to lose this job, and God knows I don’t want to move back home.
“Just make it through the rest of the shift. Tonight is wine night.” She winks at me before tip-toeing off and waving her wand at the girls walking by. Yep, no way I could ever do that.
I glance down at my watch and see that I need to be at my lunch meet and greet pronto. Okay, Kate, you can do this. Think happy. Think nice.
Think everything you aren’t.
I smile as my devil heels click through the park, each step giving me permanent damage to my feet. The girls wonder why I never wear anything but flip-flops and flats when we’re out. It’s because any time I think of heels outside of work I start to twitch.
The wide-eyed stares of the little girls still shock me. I’m their hero. Little do they know their hero is screwing the park degenerate and can’t go a few days without at least a full bottle of wine. That and my mouth is dirtier than the pirates here.
The lunch hall comes into view and the huge line to get in stops me in my tracks. It’s gonna be a long-ass two hours. I’m starving, so being stuck watching other people eat sucks
even more. You might think to yourself that being at a lunch I could eat.
Nope.
They announce my arrival over the speakers and the screeches are deafening. I’m led in front of a backdrop of a castle and beautiful scenery. The line starts to form and it’s not that bad at first, then I start getting the kids who have already eaten. The greasy fingers, sticky faces leaning against my dress. The one kid had so much chocolate on her face she looked like one of the orphans out of Annie.
If I ever wanted kids, working at this job definitely stomped every single ounce of that out of me.
Pulling my regular clothes back on, I breathe a sigh of relief that today is over. The girls walk over to me, and we head out to the parking lot.
“I swear I have never needed a wine night more.” I groan. I haven’t told them about Justin and at this point I don’t know that I will. They would never let me live it down.
“You say that every single time.” Melanie laughs as we climb into the car.
“And I mean it. This place is an alternative to checking yourself into the looney bin. Every day I think the level of crazy is at the max and then someone else proves me wrong.”
Dani rolls her eyes at me. “Yeah, well, we were hoping the bitch might die down some after you got laid.”
The entire car erupts into laughter as we head toward our second home, the liquor store. We grab three bottles, one for each of us, because let’s be honest, to have a real wine night where you’re on your ass you need your own bottle. Plus, honestly, I’ve never been good at the whole sharing thing.
“Pizza should be here in like ten minutes,” Melanie says as we walk through the door of the apartment.
“Yeah, well, as much as I love these nights they are starting to take a toll on me. I’m losing my thigh gap and starting to get chub rub,” Dani says from behind me.
“Did you really just say that? You sound like some dumbass article online for a miracle weight loss supplement. Get rid of your chub rub in thirty days and have the thigh gap you see in all the Victoria’s Secret magazines.” I wave my hand around dramatically.
“You know what I don’t get about Victoria’s Secret?” Mel says as she plops on the couch. I walk over next to her and sit down. “None of them have big boobs. I mean, for a bra company all their models have like a B-cup, maybe a C with all the padding in those things.” She shrugs as I shake my head.
“Very true, but that’s because all the models are a size zero, which let’s be honest isn’t a real size, it’s barely even a real number. Anyway you can’t have big boobs when you’re that tiny, unless you buy them.” I laugh as Mel looks down at her B-cup and tiny waist.
“Okay, bitches, phones on the counter.” We turn around to Dani with her hands on her hips.
“You aren’t seriously sticking to that shit, are you?” I cock an eyebrow at her.
“Hell yes. Last time you snapped that picture of me drunk and looking like a T-Rex then posted it online. There is no way in hell I’m giving you the chance to do that again.”
I shake my head. “Please, it was up for like a half an hour. No one noticed.”
“Oh, yeah? Coming from the screenshot slut?” Her eyes move from me to the counter repeatedly.
“Fine, whore.” I stand up and slap my phone down on the counter.
“You too, goody two-shoes, you get frisky after a couple glasses,” she yells over to Melanie.
A knock sounds at the door and I walk over to grab the pizzas. When I open it there’s a kid standing there who looks like he just got his license yesterday. His hair is slicked back and if I had to guess he is probably a huge douche. “Hey, how much?” I grab some cash out of my jeans pocket and look at him expectantly.
“I usually say that to girls like you.” The sleazeball winks at me.
Yep, totally a douche.
My mouth drops open. I grab the boxes from his hand. “That’d be why you’re still a virgin. Now this can end like the rest of your dates with you paying for my food and leaving with blue balls.” I kick the door closed before I decide to put my foot somewhere else. “I cannot believe that little jackass.”
The girls are laughing as I open the boxes and grab my wine glass. Mel flips on some trash reality TV show that you really don’t need to pay attention to, to know what’s going on. As much as I can’t stand being a part of drama, I love to watch it. Whether it’s scrolling Facebook and watching the idiots fight in the comments, or reading the constant rants that no one cares about just because everyone wants attention. As long as it isn’t me, it’s pure entertainment.
The only thing better than that is watching the two pageant moms on the screen about to throw punches because one of their goats shit on the ballroom floor.
Yes, it’s really happening.
We all talk about the park and the people there. Since we’re all in different divisions we seem to always have different gossip, and let’s be honest, nothing is better than avoiding your own problems and making fun of someone else’s.
“So tell us about this guy. What’s his deal?” Mel turns to me.
I groan internally, knowing that this was going to come up eventually. “Not much to say. We are just taking stuff slow.”
“Jesus, you sound like a safe sex commercial,” Dani says. “Just give us the details. You know we’ll get them anyway. Where’s he from? What does he do?”
With the wine buzz flowing through me I can’t come up with a good lie.
“Nothing. He doesn’t work.” I shrug.
“So he’s a bum?” Dani asks, and I nod my head. “Then how the hell did he take you to dinner the other night?”
“He, um, he sells drugs.” What. The. Fuck. That was what I came up with? Jesus Christ.
Their eyes grow wide. “Kate!” Mel screeches. “You can’t date a drug dealer! What if there’s a turf war?”
I can’t help the laugh that bursts out of me, and I can’t stop.
“I knew you were fucking lying. Stop trying to create your own West Side Story, and just tell us already. What’s he do? What’s the secret?” Dani leans forward.
“Nothing, he just...I didn’t know until today…he’s a pirate!” I grab the pillow, hiding my face in shame. The room is dead quiet. When I peek out their faces are like deer in headlights before they collapse onto the floor, laughing hysterically.
After a legit five minutes, my slut friends finally stop laughing and climb back onto the couches.
“Okay, I have a question.” Dani raises her hand. “Did you surrender the booty?”
Cue the laughter again.
“This is why I didn’t tell you, bitches.” I cross my arms in annoyance.
“Oh, please, you had to know this was going to earn you some shit from us. You’re basically dating the bottom of the food chain. Wait till this gets around,” Melanie says.
“That’s just it. I’m not telling anyone and neither are you.” I glare at both of them. “Take a vow.”
Their eyebrows rise at me. Being fairy-tale characters, vows are like the highest form of a promise. It started out as a joke that whenever we promised anything we just started to say that we vowed to do it instead.
Now it’s serious.
I look between the two of them before they both reluctantly mumble their agreement.
“Hey, so I have a question and maybe you can ask Justin.” Melanie looks over at me.
Dani and I meet each other’s eyes. Whenever Melanie drinks she asks the craziest sex questions. She’s our good girl. I swear with as gorgeous as the girl is I don’t know how it’s even possible.
Her cheeks redden and I know that this one will be good. “So I always wondered if girls taste the same and if not what would make them taste different.”
“Ew!” Dani yells. “What guy would know the answer to that? I mean, that means he would have had to taste himself. Kate, if he can answer that shit he’s a creeper. Oh and he’d basically be a fucking cannibal because he’d be eating his own kids.”
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br /> “Oh. My. God. You’re disgusting, you idiot!” I throw a pillow at Dani. “She meant if girls tasted different than other girls, not if girls and guys tasted different! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Did you really call him a cannibal?!”
We all start to laugh as the realization sets in Dani’s face.
“Wow, I totally misunderstood that shit. Mel, I can definitely not answer that question. I can tell you, though, that it’s not like those damn books and your shit doesn’t taste like cotton candy and strawberries.”
We nod in agreement as we laugh.
By the time our bottles are empty my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
It’s nights like this that make all the shitty days worth it.
Justin is picking me up tonight for our first date since I found out he was a…pirate.
I swear it’s almost like admitting your boyfriend is a serial killer.
“So, where is peg leg taking you?” Dani nudges me, and I shoot her a look.
“Any chance this crap will let up anytime soon?” I groan.
She laughs out loud. “Yeah, right. With your winning attitude and all the crap you give us? I’m gonna milk this shit for all it’s worth.”
Just. Great.
A horn honks outside and I grab my purse.
I know that this shouldn’t bother me. It shouldn’t be affecting the way I feel or making me feel like I want to go incognito when I’m out with him. Walking up to the car, I can’t deny that when he isn’t looking like a hungover hobo he is totally hot. His shaggy brown hair is messed up to perfection in a way that was so much sexier before Justin Bieber made it gay.
“Hey there, Princess.” He winks at me.
I was so hoping that he wasn’t going to bring up work.
I give him the best fake smile I can manage as I climb into the car.
He pulls out of the parking lot. “I can’t believe that we have never run into each other before.” Because I avoided all of you like you had the plague. “I mean, as big as the park is, it can feel so small sometimes.” Like the way this car seems to be suffocating me. “I heard you might be moving to the fairies.”
Kiss My Crown Page 4
