Kiss My Crown

by Alexis Noelle

  “Excuse me? The fuck I am.” My head whips toward him and his eyes grow wide.

  “Whoa, sore subject, I guess.” He laughs nervously. “They’re not that bad, you know.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I arch an eyebrow at him. “Tell me one of them you haven’t met after someone you knew had a one-night stand or a long-standing fuck buddy relationship with them.”

  Silence fills the small area as he is racking his brain trying to find an answer that will never come. Those fairies have their legs open more than a Kardashian.

  “Told you so. I might be a bitch, but I’m definitely an honest bitch.”

  “Never said you were a bitch. I like the feisty side of you.” He lets out an exaggerated growl, and I laugh. “So if you hate the fairies so much, what’s with the talk about you moving over to them?”

  “I’m on Ethan’s shit list for not being my most ‘magical self.’ He basically told me to shape up or get demoted to hell. I refuse to spend every day teaching those idiots how to spell the words right in those damn autograph books and talking like I drank an entire tank of helium. Not only that, but I despise glitter. It’s basically like herpes. The shit never goes away. You think you get all of it and then bam, three weeks later you find some.” I cross my arms in irritation as Justin breaks out in laughter. “It really isn’t funny.”

  “It is, though.” He pulls into a parking lot, and I look up to see a store called Lover’s Lair.

  My eyes widen. “You’re taking me to a sex shop on the second date? I must really give off the slutty vibe or I’m super shitty in bed. I honestly don’t know which would be worse.”

  “It’s neither. We’re going to the movies, but I had to stop by and see a friend of mine real quick, and this was on the way. He works here.”

  I mentally make a note that he could totally get me a discount the next time my rabbit craps out on me.

  “You good?”

  I look over at him and nod. “I just hope you can handle me in here.” I climb out of the car before he can say anything else.

  When I walk in the walls are decorated with a mix of red and black, with a white tile floor. Toys line the walls with numerous displays set up in the middle of the aisles.

  The boy standing in front of me smiles. “Welcome to Lover’s Lair. Would you like a tour?”

  “Joe, you don’t have to do that, she’s with me.” Justin walks up behind me.

  “The hell he doesn’t. I’d love a tour of this pleasure palace and all of the wonderful things inside of it.” I wink at Justin before walking toward his friend.

  Joe shoots Justin a look that seems apologetic before looking over at me. “Welcome to Lover’s Lair where every day is a new adventure.” He waves us toward him in an over exaggerated gesture. “We are going to start in our most tame section, the vibrator section.”

  My eyes go wide as I take in all the B.O.B.s.

  It’s like angels are singing with pleasure form the heavens.

  “I may need to take a new best friend home.” I turn to Justin and wiggle my eyebrows. “We may need to cut this date short.” Patting him on the shoulder I turn back to the wall of pleasure.

  He looks at me before sneering at Joe. “Have I mentioned how much I hate you?”

  Joe starts to tell us about all the different options, from big to small, ribbed to smooth. My head starts to spin with all the possibilities of pleasure.

  He hands me one model. “This is our strongest vibrator. Go ahead and give it a try.”

  I make a shocked gasp. “Joe are you asking me to pleasure myself in the middle of the store?”

  His face instantly reddens. “No, I-I meant touch it to your skin.”

  I hear Justin groan behind me.

  “Well that isn’t as fun, but I guess it will do for now.” I wink at him. I flip the switch and then wrap my hand around the top of it. The vibration is so strong I jump at first. It spreads all the way up my arm and down the other. “Jesus, Joe, you trying to kill someone? This thing would fling me halfway across the room.” I put the toy down, but he doesn’t respond to me.

  Joe takes a few more steps and stops at one of the aisle displays. “This is our edible section.” He grabs a couple bottles then turns back to me. “This is our flavored lubricant, and it actually has great reviews. Hold out the back of your hand and I’ll let you try a few flavors.”

  Justin is closest, so he goes first.

  “It’s not bad.”

  Joe turns to me, the bottle in his hand and ready to drip onto my skin.

  “Sorry, Joe, I don’t swallow.”

  He about chokes and takes a minute to catch his breath.

  I turn to Justin. “I don’t think we’ve gotten into that conversation yet, but true story. Sorry if that’s a deal breaker.”

  Joe decides to not try and offer me anything else edible, and I think we are all grateful for that. We move toward the next section. “This is our…backdoor section.”

  “Nope.” I walk back toward my comfort zone. “I don’t need to know about anything back there. Justin, just FYI that is also off the table. I am a firm believer in exit only. In fact, if exit only had beliebers I’d be one of them.”

  The two men turn as red as the walls. This could be a fun game, how awkward can I make this tour?

  Joe takes us around some more. By the time we are done, he’s bouncing back and forth uncomfortably, and I think Justin thinks I am a dominatrix in my spare time. I decide to get a new toy. It’s one for us together and I’m totally excited for it. The only way to describe it is a vibrator that Justin sticks his cock in. It’s a hollow silicone sleeve that is ribbed on the outside with a vibrating cock ring attachment.

  Joe rings me up and the entire time avoids eye contact with me.

  Justin and I walk out of the store and over to his car.

  “So you still want to go to the movies?” I arch an eyebrow at him and shake the bag a little to drive my point home.

  “Hell no.” He smiles as he climbs into the car. “Your place or mine?”

  “Yours, definitely yours.” The girls would totally cock block me with all their dumbass jokes if I dared to take him home.

  Justin pulls out of the parking lot, the fire in his eyes making me even more anxious to get back to his place.

  Justin basically drags me through his apartment until we get to the bedroom.

  “Excited much?” I laugh.

  “After hearing you talk dirty for almost two hours, I almost didn’t make it out of the parking lot.” His mouth crashes against mine and I moan as his tongue enters my mouth.

  I pull away from him and push his chest so that he falls onto the bed. I switch the lights off then walk over to the dresser. Grabbing my bag from Lover’s Lair, I pull out my toy, barely able to contain my excitement.

  “Clothes off, now.”

  He salutes me before stripping himself completely.

  “Jesus, do you practice that? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone move that fast.”

  “Well, hopefully speed impresses you because I don’t know how long I’ll last.” He pulls me toward him and sits up on the bed. His hands grip the bottom of my shirt as he slides it up my body. I let him take control, which isn’t something I’m usually a fan of. Right now with the way he is looking at me like he might devour me, it’s hot.

  Once I’m fully undressed I grab my toy. My hand strokes him a few times, getting him ready. Holding the toy up, I wiggle it at him. “You ready?”

  “Hell yes.” He smiles at me, and I get on my knees, stretching the silicone before sliding his dick into it.

  “Ah, shit. You could have lubed it first, babe.” He winces.

  “Sorry.” I grimace thinking that I hurt him. Once the toy is on, something about it doesn’t look right to me. I grab the box and read the directions, realizing I should have done that first. “Shit, I was supposed to cut the damn thing first.” I look over at him, his entire dick covered in silicone. “I have to take it off then trim it.�
�� I walk back over to Justin, who is sitting impatiently.

  Gripping the toy, I pull up to take it off of him, and he screams.

  “Fuck!”

  I immediately let go. “Sorry! Maybe you should take it off.”

  His face is twisted in pain, but he moves his hands down and tries to remove the toy. “It’s fucking stuck. It feels like one of those Chinese finger trap things. What the hell did you do to me? I think my dick is starting to swell it’s so goddamn tight.”

  “That’s what he said.” I laugh but immediately stop when he glares at me. “Too soon?”

  “Ya think? Get some lube and maybe I can work it in there.”

  “Okay.” I walk back to the dresser and grab some lube and lotion, hoping one of them does the trick. “Try the lube first.”

  I lift his dick up and squirt it through the top of the toy, then lift the silicone up at his base and drench that area too. “Okay, I’m gonna try to move it and wiggle it off. I brought lotion too. Want some?”

  “Yeah, add that in and we should be able to get it off,” he grits out through his teeth, his annoyance prevalent.

  I squirt some lotion on my hand, enjoying the minty smell before working that under each end of the silicone.

  “Holy fuck!” Justin screams, and I step back.

  “What?”

  “My dick is on fire, Kate! What the hell did you use?!” His voice is so high-pitched you might think he’s auditioning for my job.

  “Nothing! Just lube and lotion!” I walk over and flick the light on.

  Justin looks down where the lotion and lube are then up at me, his eyes angry slits. “You used warming lube and Bengay!”

  As much as I know I shouldn’t, I start to laugh uncontrollably.

  “Not funny!” Just then he jumps up and starts to hop around the room. “It’s getting fucking worse! My dick feels like a goddamn volcano!”

  I’m buckled over at this point, my stomach hurting from laughing, and the way he is jumping around isn’t helping. “I’m-I’m so…sorry.”

  “Get the regular lube out of my dresser, first drawer.” His voice is almost a hiss.

  I grab my shirt and shorts, throwing them on quick while he is still hopping around like a damn frog. I run over and pull the drawer open at the same time Justin bends down in pain. The crack of the drawer hitting his face is almost sickening.

  Shit.

  He screams, and I slowly turn my head to him.

  Blood is covering the carpet at his feet.

  “I think you fucking broke my nose!”

  I run to the bathroom, grab a towel, and make my way back to his room. He’s sitting on the bed once again, his legs bouncing and his hands over his nose.

  “Here, move your hands.” I put the towel to his nose and pinch it.

  He screams even louder this time. “Why the fuck would you do that?”

  “You’re supposed to pinch the bridge to make it stop bleeding!” I drop the towel.

  “For a nosebleed! Not when you’ve basically impaled me with a dresser drawer!” There are tears coming out of his eyes by now.

  I run to the living room, pick up my phone, and call 911.

  “Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?” a lady answers.

  I laugh uncomfortably. “So I think I kind of broke my boyfriend’s nose and caused some damaged to his penis.”

  “You what? What’s your address, ma’am?”

  I rattle off Justin’s address and tell them to hurry.

  Slowly I make my way back to the bedroom, where Justin is basically in the fetal position at this point.

  “Stop. Stay right there. I don’t need any more of your help.”

  I feel bad that I caused this. I feel even worse that I just want to laugh my ass off. “Okay, well, I called for help. An ambulance is coming.”

  “You what?!”

  “You’re hurt. I obviously can’t help!” I throw my hands in the air.

  “I’m never going to live this shit down when I get wheeled out of here on a gurney with my dick stuck in a damn sex toy and a broken nose from my girlfriend!”

  “I doubt anyone will even see you!”

  A knock sounds at the door and I run over to answer it. Two hot as hell paramedics are standing in front of me.

  Maybe I could faint and have them take care of me instead.

  No.

  Focus, Kate.

  “He’s back there in the bedroom.” I follow them down the hall and they freeze when they see the state Justin is in.

  One bends down to assess him while the other turns to me.

  “Damn, what the hell did the guy do to you?”

  My cheeks redden. “Nothing actually. It was supposed to be a fun night.” I shrug, embarrassed.

  His head shakes at me as he goes and pulls the gurney into the bedroom. They get Justin onto it and start to wheel him out.

  The door across the hall opens and I see a few of his friends. “Dude, what the hell happened to you?”

  The EMT looks at him. “Sex toy mishap and his girlfriend broke his nose.”

  The three of them start to laugh.

  He’s never gonna live this down.

  The girls and I are driving home this weekend. We had requested it off because Melanie’s brother is getting married. We have always been so close that he was a big brother to all of us. It’s only about an hour drive, thank God, because they have not stopped the jabs about Justin’s little mishap.

  “Can we please talk about something else?” I groan after twenty minutes of them.

  “You know I’d say yes, but you turning his dick into a firecracker is about the most interesting thing I can think of,” Dani bursts out.

  “Fine, but can we at least not talk about it in public this weekend? That’s the last thing I need with our crowd.” I shake my head, thinking about the good time everyone would have at my expense. Our parents are insane. No, really. You might think your family is out of their minds, but you haven’t met ours.

  “I can’t make any promises, especially for Mel once she hits the open bar.” Dani smiles.

  I glare at Melanie in my rearview mirror, and she already has an apologetic look on her face. Alcohol is like truth serum for her. Everything just starts spilling out like the girl doesn’t have a filter.

  “I feel bad, guys. I basically maimed him twice in one night. I haven’t texted him or anything. I don’t even know what to say.”

  “How about sorry I burned your dick and broke your nose?” Dani chimes in.

  “Or, hope you’re okay. It could have been worse.” Mel laughs from the back. “How did you not know what you grabbed?”

  “It was dark! I didn’t read the labels. Plus, he isn’t eighty, so I assumed that tube was lotion, not Bengay."

  “You couldn’t tell by the smell?” Mel asks me, and I can tell she doesn’t believe me.

  “No! I thought it was mint scented!” I yell. “I feel horrible. You don’t know what it looked like once they cut the silicone off. I swear it was like a flesh eating virus. Plus, they destroyed the toy, so I just flushed forty dollars down the drain.”

  “I’m sure Justin cares about that while he has to wear that cast on his nose.” Dani laughs.

  I pull up to our neighborhood and drop the girls off at their houses. We all live within a few blocks of each other. Once I pull up to my house and see all the cars I groan. I told my mom not to make a big deal about me coming home.

  Grabbing my duffel, I walk up the steps and open the front door. The loud sounds of my family boom as soon as I step in.

  “Kate!” My mom runs over and gives me a huge hug.

  “Hey, Mom. What’s everyone doing here?” I put my bag on the floor as she pulls me to the living room.

  “Well, you haven’t been home in a while, so I wanted to have a nice family dinner.”

  I walk in to see at least twenty of my family members. So much for a relaxing trip. I say hi to everyone before plopping down onto the couch. There is
a guy sitting next to me who looks like he’s only a few years older than me. He’s totally hot and since I haven’t met him before I’m going to guess he is one of my cousins’ boyfriends.

  “Hey, I’m Kate.”

  “Ah, the guest of honor. My name is Marshall and I’m here with—”

  “Kate, honey!” I hear my grandma’s voice.

  “Excuse me.” I stand up and give her a hug. If there is anyone I was actually looking forward to seeing it’s my grandma. She’s in her late sixties, but you’d never know it. She writes romance books and has as dirty of a mind as I do. Anytime we’re together I spend most of the time laughing.

  “Honey, you don’t come home enough!” She lets go of me before looking at the man sitting on the couch. “I see you’ve met Marshall.”

  “Yeah, he was just about to tell me which cousin snagged him up.” I laugh.

  “Oh no, dear. He’s mine.” My grandma sits down and gives Marshall a kiss. Not just a kiss, I can actually see tongue.

  I almost gag.

  My mouth drops open. There is no way that she is dating someone who’s almost my age! This has got to be some weird creepy-ass joke.

  “Really, Grandma?”

  “Yes, dear. Just because I’m older doesn’t mean that my motor runs any different than yours.” She leans in close to me. “Let me tell you, younger men are experts at getting it up and running.”

  “Ew.” I let the word slip from my mouth before I can control it.

  “Now maybe you wouldn’t find it so wrong if you dialed down the RBF and got yourself laid once in a while.” She shrugs, and Marshall laughs.

  “Grandma!”

  Everyone around us starts to laugh. I was apparently the only person who didn’t know about this.

  “Deny it all you want, honey, but bitchiness causes wrinkles.” She winks at me. “Oh, and keep the ews to yourself. Your grandma is a bobcat and proud.”

  “A bobcat? Don’t you mean a cougar?”

  “No, when you hear cougar you think old pathetic woman. I’m a bobcat ready to pounce on any prey that catches my eye.” She smiles at me.

  I’m gonna puke.

  Why can’t I have a normal family?

  A grandma that knits instead of writing sex books and dating men that I would want.