I walk into the kitchen, needing a break and find my mom. “Why didn’t you tell me Grandma was robbing the cradle?”
“Because it doesn’t matter.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Why is it such a big deal?”
“Um, he’s only a little older than me! It’s creepy.”
“Maybe you just need to get laid, honey. It does wonders for my mood. Anytime I’m feeling bitchy I just let your father know and he—”
“Mom!”
She looks up at me.
“Please don’t finish that sentence.”
“Maybe you can find a nice boy at the wedding tomorrow.” She smiles at me.
I leave the kitchen and head upstairs to my room, needing to be far away from everyone and anyone here.
My mom yells upstairs and calls me down for dinner. I reluctantly make my way to the table. I stand next to her and my dad near the front of the table.
There are at least twenty of us stuffed into this tiny room. My mom has made a turkey and at least five sides. You would think it was Thanksgiving.
She turns to my dad. “Would you like to crave the turkey, dear?”
My dad throws an arm around her and leans in close. “I like watching you handle a bird.”
“Oh God!”
They both turn to me seemingly confused as to why I just reacted like that.
“Are you okay, Kate?” My father looks at me.
“No! I think I totally just lost my appetite, at least for the turkey.”
I look up toward the ceiling saying a silent prayer that we can get through the rest of this meal without anymore mental scars.
The wedding is beautiful, but now that it’s over we are getting to my favorite part, the reception. Anytime I hear the words open bar I instantly get a huge mood boost.
I grab some food, readying myself to get shmammered. That is one of our favorite phrases to use. It’s getting shitty and hammered all at the same time.
I see Melanie wobbling a bit and realize she broke drinking code one. Always carb up before you drink. I like to call it going on a carbcation before the fun starts. I walk over to her with a plate full of food, hoping to get some of it in her stomach before things go south.
“Can I get two Moscatos?” Melanie leans on the bar.
“Already double fisting?” I cock an eyebrow at her.
“My mother just asked if I’ve managed to get myself laid yet. You’re lucky I don’t order three and stick one between my boobs.” She groans, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Here you go, ma’am.” The bartender places the two glasses in front of her with a smile.
“Ma’am?” Mel turns to me. “Did he just call me ma’am?”
Oh, Jesus. “He’s a country boy. It’s Southern hospitality. Chill out, girl.”
The guy smiles at me as if thanking me for the aid.
Mel turns back to the bartender. “I appreciate that, but don’t call me ma’am. The only kind of Southern hospitality I want right now is on my vagina.” She grabs her glasses and walks away.
“Sorry about that. Weddings make people crazy.” I shrug and pass him a five for dealing with Suzy Vagina. I abandon my plate at the bar and take a quick shot before I walk away.
Dani comes up to me and loops her arm through mine. “Tom’s friends are creepy. I swear I’ll leave this wedding with like five restraining orders in the works.”
“Yeah, well, Mel is so far gone she just talked about her vagina to the bartender.”
“Shut the fuck up.” Dani’s eyes widen. “I miss all the good shit. Wanna be lesbians tonight?”
I laugh. Anytime we are over getting hit on while we’re out we just start telling guys that we’re together. “Sure thang, hot stuff.” I smack her butt, and we laugh as we walk toward the dance floor.
Mel is in the middle dancing, so we walk up and join her. After only a few minutes a guy shimmies his way beside me.
“You look gorgeous tonight.” It might have been sweet if his slimy tongue wasn’t licking his lips when he said it.
“Thanks.” I jerk my thumb toward Dani. “My girlfriend thinks so too.”
“Huh?” he shouts, pretending like he didn’t hear me.
“I like pussy!” I say.
“Me too!” The guy high fives me before walking off with an expression of disbelief.
Melanie looks over at me. “Is the pirate so bad that you finally joined the carpet muncher squad?”
Dani and I just look at each other before we break out in laughter. She’s lucky I love her.
I look over to see my grandma twerking on Marshall and freeze. “Jesus.”
Dani and Melanie follow my gaze. “Damn, Kate, your grandma is getting more action than you.”
Melanie giggles. “That’s because she doesn’t maim her men in the bedroom.”
I shoot her a look and turn my back to my family.
The song changes over to a slow one and Mel yells something I don’t understand to the DJ. “Why do they play slow songs?” She huffs, crossing her arms. “I mean, I get it, it’s a wedding. However, most people at weddings are lonely and the whole process is depressing.”
“Dude, what are you talking about?” I look over at her.
“Even when you find someone that is decent, they really aren’t. You might think you like them, but you don’t. They’re the complete opposite of you. No matter how much you try, you can’t stop thinking of them.” She finally takes a breath.
Dani and I look at each other in complete confusion.
“You wanna share with the group, Mel?” I tilt my head to the side.
“I slept with someone at the park! In the bushes!” Her hands cover her face. “He’s a fur character!”
We are quiet for a minute before we start to laugh.
“Oh my God! And you gave me shit for Justin?! What kind of animal is he?” I wiggle my eyebrows.
She shakes her head, and I know that it is going to be interesting.
“Come on, you know you’ll spill eventually.” Dani nudges her.
“He’s a…chipmunk.” Her hands immediately cover her face in shame.
“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.” Dani and I burst out laughing. “A chipmunk? Babe, if you’re gonna stoop low and bang one of the fur balls you could have at least picked a manly one. A lion, a bear. Shit, even a monkey. You picked a goddamn chipmunk?”
“I know! I mean, at first it was a total mistake, but at this point, I think he might think we’re dating.” She bites her lip nervously.
“Wait. How many times have you banged the rodent?” Dani quirks an eyebrow at her.
“Five,” she mumbles.
“Oh, Lord. She’s fuck buddies with a woodland creature.” I shake my head. “Where’s your mom? I don’t know if she’ll be happier that you got laid, or more pissed that it was by a rodent.” I turn, but Mel grabs my arm.
“Don’t you dare. I’ll cut you.” She narrows her eyes at me.
“Jeez, just kidding, inmate. Put the shank away.” I hold my hands up in surrender. “When did we all get so screwed up?” I laugh.
“Hey, I’m perfectly normal,” Dani says, flipping her hair.
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that as you inhale that demon dust every day.” The slow song ends and the music picks back up. “Well let’s go dance and forget about our ass backward lives for a little bit.”
The more I drink the wilder my uncoordinated moves seem to get. I drop it down low, get my eagle on while I’m down there, and even throw in a little twerking.
My phone buzzes and I pull it out.
Justin: So you burn my cucumber and then take your melons out of town.
Me: I’ve been drinking, so your produce humor isn’t working.
Justin: You know, usually people get happier when they drink.
Me: Yeah, well, maybe those people are getting laid too.
Justin: Not my fault you damaged the goods…
I laugh and slip my phone back into my purse. I really do like him. Problem
is that I cannot have everyone at the park finding out about us. It would destroy the little standing I have left and maybe even push Ethan to demote me to a fairy.
I have to figure out a way to keep my two worlds separate, or I’m screwed.
I’m back at work today and couldn’t be less excited about it. Today I am on duty at a restaurant all day, with my Prince Not So Charming. We have to circulate all day and we are supposed to dance with each other every forty-five minutes. I would rather take pictures with a hundred horny fathers than do one of these days with Jeremy.
On the plus side, I’m inside, which means I have no chance of running into Justin and having people see us together. It’s been a few days since the incident and we have our next date tomorrow night. Aside from texting, I haven’t talked to or seen him since it happened.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in.” Jeremy’s slimy voice sounds behind me.
“Aw, look, it’s Dreamland’s resident manwhore. You should be careful before that little thing falls off.” I smile at him before taking my place.
“Now announcing Prince Charming and Princess Lily.” The claps and cheers from all the kids and parents sound as we enter the restaurant. “Now, the prince and princess will be performing the royal waltz.”
I take Jeremy’s hand reluctantly and place my hand on his hip. The music starts to play and we slowly sway.
“You know maybe your dumb shoe would stay on if you washed your greasy feet,” he says through clenched teeth and a smile.
“Oh, yeah? Maybe you wouldn’t need such a big sword if you weren’t overcompensating for smaller equipment.” I smile sweetly at him.
He twirls me around. “Skank.”
I place my hands back on him. “Douchebag.”
He dips me back a bit. “Fairy.”
He’s dead.
The music stops and we release each other before heading off to separate tables.
I greet all the little girls, praying that the mothers wipe their hands before shipping their kids off to me. You will always have the ones that think they’re special too. That they can just walk up to you and initiate a meet and greet out of turn. That’s why we have people following us to be the assholes that we aren’t allowed to be.
Every time the music starts to play I groan internally. Jeremy keeps up with his insults, and I manage a jab or two in there. This job was so much easier when I actually liked him, which I still can’t believe that I did.
We are stuck in this groundhog-day hell for hours. Pretending we love each other, smiling at each other across the room, and the constant dancing. The girls here are eating it up, but little do they know that we would rather stab our own eyes out than to be anywhere near each other.
When it’s finally time to leave I couldn’t be happier. Walking out of the back entrance, I run smack into Tonya. Just great.
“Wow, I didn’t know you would be here. I heard that you were moving to the fairies.” She smirks at me and it takes every ounce of control I have not to slug her.
“Really? I heard you wouldn’t be in today because being a dirty slut can be really contagious.” I try to move past her, but she sidesteps so she is standing in front of me.
“Enjoy being on top now. You won’t be there for very long.”
I roll my eyes. “If there is anyone who knows about being on top or any other positions it would definitely be you. Although I heard you spend most of your time on your back.”
I push past her, throwing my shoulder into hers. The last thing I need to do is stand here trading insults with Hooker Barbie. I’m supposed to be on my best behavior, and if I want to avoid the Flying Floozies then I need to stay away from any drama.
I take a deep breath and plaster on the best smile I have in me. I walk through the park, my character bodyguard trailing me to make sure I don’t get stopped by a zillion people. On days like today when I’m scheduled for event after event I get a shadow. It’s easier because when parents and kids stop you they can wave them off and you get to seem so upset when really I don’t want to stop any more than she wants me to.
As I walk through the park I can see the effect my “reputation” is starting to have. Every prince and princess I walk by are turning their heads away from me. No one will look at me, not even the dust peddling idiots. The drastic change isn’t lost on me. Before when I was with Jeremy people were throwing themselves at my feet just to talk to me.
When I walk up to the meet and greet I see a huge line. I’m happy about it because it means even though the employees are all shunning me the people here still want to see me. On the other hand, that means that I have to meet and interact with all of these people.
I take my place inside and then the door opens. A few families make their way in, and I give them my best princess smile. “Hi there, princess.” I walk up to the little girl and take her hand, leading her to the middle of my area. She’s cute for a kid. I begin asking my normal set of questions. Is she having a good day, is she a princess or a queen, and then a few questions about what they are wearing or doing for the day. This kid, though, she isn’t giving me anything.
No. Words.
Every question I ask, she nods her head even if it isn’t a yes or no question. This is the most uncomfortable thing. The parents are staring at you, waiting for their kid to shine, and we are barely switching on the light. I ask the little girl to take a picture with me, and we turn toward her mom. Before she leaves she gives me the tightest hug and as bitchy as I am most days this makes me feel great.
Knowing that you are making other people happy, especially little girls, helps you deal with the bullshit that comes up daily.
Justin and I have a date tonight. It will be the first time I have seen him since the dick volcano incident. I’ve been purposefully avoiding him at work. I had Mel find me the pirate show times so I could make sure our paths don’t cross. The last thing I need is to be seen cuddled up with him, or for him to notice that I don’t want to be seen with him.
“So, you going to take it easy and give the EMTs a break tonight?” Dani is standing in my doorway.
“Shut up. He was the first guy I’ve ever sent to the hospital.”
“You say that like it’s an accomplishment. You know, most normal women can go their whole lives without sending someone to the hospital.” She plops on my bed and a part of me wants to push her off of it.
“Screw you.” I flip her off as I’m finishing my makeup.
“Um, no thanks. I like my lady bits unharmed.” Her hands are held up in surrender.
“I swear I don’t even know why I like you sometimes.” I shake my head.
“Because I’m amazing.” She flips her hair and bats her eyelashes
“What do I do about the whole avoiding him at work? I’m really getting sick of taking the long way around the park especially in those damn heels.”
“Maybe stop being a bitch and if you like him own it.” She shrugs. “Eventually that shit is gonna catch up to you and when it does you’ll be screwed.”
“I am in enough shit with this whole demotion. I really don’t need to be the laughing stock of the park right now.” I know that the way I’m being is really crappy, but I cannot deal with more issues at work right now. Once I get my status back and get Ethan off my back, then I can worry about letting the cat out of the bag. Until then that shit needs to stay sealed up. “How do I look?” I turn toward her dressed in skinny jeans and a low cut V-neck shirt.
“Like a lying whore, but a sexy lying whore.” She smiles at me before getting up and walking out of the room.
My phone buzzes.
Justin: Get your sexy melons out here.
I smile and grab my purse. “Goodbye, sluts.”
They yell back something at me as the door is closing. I love that we have the relationship that we do. That we can name call each other knowing it’s basically a term of endearment.
For me, if I’m nice to you that’s when you better watch out. When I smile and
don’t insult you it means you’re on my shit list.
I walk over to Justin’s car and get in. “Hey, stranger, how are you feeling?” I smile at him.
“Well, I still can’t walk completely right since our last date, which normally I’d think was a good thing.” He laughs. “In our case, let’s not do that again.”
“Deal. Guess we aren’t going to the sex store again”? I arch an eyebrow at him.
“Definitely not. In fact, I think they should ban you from those places. I’ll have to make a request.” He pulls out of the parking lot.
“So what are we doing tonight then?”
“I figured we could do what I had originally planned for the other night.” He turns on the radio, and I decide not to ask any more questions and let him have this secret.
I really want to talk to him. I want to explain to him how things are at the park right now and tell him how I’d like to keep things quiet for a while. I don’t think he’d understand, though.
I’m not sure that I would if I were in his position.
We pull up to the Movie Tavern and as much as I might have wanted to I’ve never been here. I’m excited that this is where he chose to bring me. This place is really unique because you order food before the movie starts and they bring it to you while it’s going on.
“You down for this?” Justin asks as we get out of the car.
“Definitely! I have actually wanted to come here, but I feel like I’m always working.”
“Speaking of that…” he says as he holds the door open for me to walk inside. “I feel like I never see you around. Where have you been hiding?”
Far away from your area.
“Oh, just here and there.” I shrug my shoulders, hoping that I don’t seem like I’m avoiding his questions.
He doesn’t respond, and I thank God for that.
The movie he picked is a comedy and the food is great. Halfway through the movie, his arm slips around me and I lie my head on his shoulder. It feels nice to be close to someone and to have a connection.
With Jeremy, I was always trying to make him happy by being what he wanted me to be. There was an underlying fear that if I didn’t make him happy he would leave me.
Kiss My Crown Page 6
