Finding Thyme

by TJ Hamilton

  “You look so handsome, Charlie.”

  He pretends to fluff his hair like a lady does. “I know.”

  I laugh and feel free and content finally after a gruelling twenty-four hours since I last saw Nick. The last of the orange sunlight hits the naval base in the distance and I look over at Charlie as he holds his arm out for me to take.

  “Time to go?” I smile and slide my hand through his.

  “Let’s go get our fucking Swan on,” he says with a smile.

  “Pardon?”

  Charlie’s beautifully manicured brow puckers in. “Our Swan on … We’re going to Swan Lake. Get it? Fuck. Where’s your sense of humour, Mi?”

  The blood in my face drains and I feel my heart drop to my stomach with a thud. I’m going to Swan Lake? This cannot be happening right now.

  “What’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  Sweat breaks out all over my body and the tightness of the dress suddenly feels like it’s suffocating. Why didn’t I ask earlier what the ballet was? I don’t know how I’m going to get through this tonight. I can’t tell Charlie the truth about what Tench did to me that day in his ballet room and how Swan Lake is my connection to him forever now. I breathe in as much as the dress will allow and force a smile out.

  “This dress is brutal,” I lie with a nervous grin.

  Charlie’s sweet smile returns. “You know the rules, doll. Fashion before comfort! Now suck it up and let’s go, for fuck’s sake!” He pulls me along and I grip onto his arm and try desperately to shake the thoughts of Tench from my mind.

  TWENTY-ONE

  The Harbour Bridge twinkles beside us as we stroll arm in arm to the main entrance of the Opera House. Tourists around the building stop and gaze as Charlie and I pass them. My long train rustles against the cobblestones with each delicate step I take, evoking images of an expensive perfume commercial.

  As we approach the packed media scrum at the base of the grand stairs to the Opera House, I lean into Charlie and whisper, “Charlie, I don’t want my picture taken tonight. Not after everything that happened with Joe Tench.”

  “Oh yeah. Of course. Let me handle this.” He smiles and winks.

  I love when my bossy little friend takes over. His chest automatically puffs up as we stroll arm in arm towards the red carpet. Camera flashes flicker as glamorous couples from Sydney’s elite hit the carpet smiling their perfect veneered smiles. Charlie lets go of my arm briefly to dive ahead and talk to the photographers. They all know him from his work and greet him as he approaches. The group lean in as Charlie speaks, and glance over him at me when he’s in the midst of his speech. I stand on my own and look around nervously. I realise that this is my first public outing since I was with Tench and now I wish I’d done something a little less extravagant … and worn something a little less over the top. The photographers slap Charlie on the side of his arm jovially and smile, then return their gaze back to me and smile even wider. I conjure up a nervous little smile and frown at Charlie as he approaches. He stands on my right, on the side of the photographers and journalists, to try and shield me from them as we walk up the red carpet and hit the stairs. We don’t stop at all, and I can feel every single set of eyes on me as we pass. I grip onto the tulle of my dress and hold the bottom up as I step onto the first of the hundred stairs that lead to the main entrance of the monumental building.

  “What did you tell them?” I quietly ask.

  “I told them you are Joe Tench’s ex-girlfriend and unless they want to end their career tonight then they should avoid taking your photograph. I may have also threatened a couple of them with outing them and their sexual escapades that they’ve had with me. They are married, I might add.”

  I giggle. Ah, Charlie … thank goodness for your scandalous sexcapades!

  “Let’s bypass the canapés and champagne on the forecourt then, shall we? We’ll try and squeeze you into your seat?” Charlie understands my need for anonymity.

  At the top of the grand stairs there is a lone pianist on a white piano trilling a beautiful melody as we begin to duck and weave our way through the forest of black tuxedos and gowns of every colour. I grip tightly onto Charlie’s hand as we pass Sydney’s most influential, all sipping on their glasses of champagne as their aristocratic noses are held high in the air. I gather that they must all be awaiting the arrival of the royal couple. From this angle, the two sails of the Opera House look like two rib cages as they curve upward, filled with the long imposing glass windows of the entrance. I try not to make eye contact with anyone as we pass the VIP-only event. I can feel eyes on me again and notice people leaning in to whisper to one another as I pass, my tidal wave of a dress flowing behind me as I walk. I hope it’s just this dramatic dress that has caught their eye and not the girl who’s trying desperately to hide inside it. We reach the entrance doors and the sound of the crowd outside slowly fades away. I look at Charlie and sigh with relief that it’s over. He looks back at me and winks. He knows me all too well.

  The young blond man in a crisp white jacket at the theatre’s entrance door holds his little flashlight. Charlie reaches in to the inside pocket of his tuxedo and pulls out his tickets. The usher points the flashlight towards the tickets and guides us around to the far side of the long curved walkway.

  The young man glances back quickly at me and whispers, “Your dress is insane!” He grins. “Did you know you’re on the same balcony as the Crown Prince and Crown Princess of Denmark! You’re actually only five rows away from them!”

  Charlie claps his hands together. The thought is exciting but nerve-racking at the same time. I try and calm my nerves as the usher holds the thick door open for us and we step onto our balcony. It holds only a dozen rows of two and three seats per row. The Joan Sutherland Theatre is grand and reaches up high in towering tiers. Our long thin balcony is the highest and closest to the stage. Below us, layered lines of red seats curve around in rows that stretch across the width of the theatre. The rows disappear as they run to the back in the distance.

  The birch wood panelling surrounding us muffles the sound inside the theatre and it feels like you could hear a pin drop all the way at the back. I’ve only ever sat in the stalls below before but this view from the balcony is spectacular. The light is dim on the balcony for privacy but the stalls below are subtly lit. When we reach our seats, Charlie pulls me across him to take the seat closest to the balcony’s edge. I carefully step around and swing the bottom of the dress out and delicately sit down.

  The dress doesn’t allow for much movement in the top half. I look up at Charlie who is giggling at me as I struggle to bend and sit down in my seat. I laugh back at how unladylike I must look. When I sit, the tulle of the dress puffs around me like cotton candy and I try and push it down to see.

  The seats in the theatre slowly fill as glittering people continuously trickle through the side doors. I’m glad we’re the first to arrive on our balcony. I don’t feel like making another entrance with this over-the-top dress tonight. The walk in was enough. I hear people quietly entering behind us and taking their seats, but I daren’t look back to see who they are.

  My pounding heart causes the lace across my left breast to bounce in rhythm. I draw deep breaths and try to stay calm. Still dreading hearing Tchaikovsky tonight, I continue to prepare myself for the haunting tunes that I know so well for all the wrong reasons. The five rows in front of us remain empty as the rest of the theatre fills to its capacity, including the balcony opposite to ours.

  The light is equally as dim across the balconies so I can barely make out the people sitting there. Knowing that our balcony is hard to see gives me enough comfort to relax a little.

  Finally the orchestra enters and fills the pit below the stage. A spotlight beams down as the conductor makes his grand entrance to the enthusiastic applause of the theatre. Three trumpeters join him on his podium and he holds his hand high in the air towards our balcony. The spotlight hits us with a hot, white blinding li
ght. I gulp as the trumpets sound and everyone below gets out of their seats.

  I feel Charlie’s hands grip around my arm to help me up. The structured dress pops me straight up as the Danish royal couple glide past with their entourage and wave to the theatre below before taking the empty seats in front of us.

  Great! So much for being inconspicuous!

  Charlie nudges me with excitement and we take our seats again once the royals have sat. Charlie frantically helps me with my dress as I sit and giggles as I struggle again. I shake my head and can’t help but chuckle along with him. The theatre lights dim down as the lone clarinet plays the eerie opening tune to the ballet.

  A blue rippled effect lights up the curtains across the stage as the rest of the orchestra slowly join in the melody. The tympani rolls as the opening piece reaches its final haunting crescendo and the bright lights hit the stage as the curtain lifts for Act One. I let out a puff of air. What was supposed to be an ideal night out with Charlie to get my mind off things has turned out to be anything but!

  The precision of the Russian ballet company mesmerises me into a trance and I smile and applaud when each of the acts is completed and their pas de deux are accomplished with absolute perfection. I’m lost in almost two hours of the ballet and the final curtain draws to announce the final Act Four. Charlie looks over at me with a big grin as he sees I’m completely consumed by the beautiful white tutus that flutter as the ballerinas spring across the stage with their sissonne en avant and spin flawlessly with multiple fouettes. For the final scenes, Prince Siegfried enters a blue-lit stage to find Odette beside the lake. The tympani’s dark drum roll summons the evil Von Rothbart and the dramatic piece that Tench loves begins to play. My foot tied around the ballet barre anoints my vision, as does his arm around my neck and Tench’s menacing glare. My heart quickens in pace all of a sudden. I touch my neck but feel nothing around it. I look across to Charlie who stares back at me.

  “Are you okay?” he whispers.

  I nod and try to wipe away the vicious flashbacks that continue to fire before my eyes. Something doesn’t feel right. The dramatic orchestral piece of music pierces through me, and all the hairs across the back of my neck stand up. I feel like someone is watching me and I look across the stalls below. Tench’s coffee eyes meet mine. I shake my head and they’re gone. I’m losing my mind! This ballet is too much. I glance over to the balcony opposite to ours and see Tench’s eyes again. My neck tightens, obstructs my airways. I hold my chest and look across again and see nothing. The lights on the stage have dimmed and I can see very little. The music is too much. I can’t wipe the scenes of Tench from my mind. They flash one after the other like a slide show of horror.

  I lean across to Charlie. “I need to go,” I whisper.

  “What’s happened? You don’t look well.”

  “I’m okay … I just need to go.”

  I don’t let Charlie reply and twist out of my seat and try desperately to stand. I bundle up all the layers of tulle at the bottom of my dress and make a dash to the door and rush down the passageway and out of the theatre. The night’s sky fills the towering windows of the building’s foyer and I walk a little faster towards the entrance, now desperate to get outside. Fresh air hits me as I flee towards the grand stairs with a small leap before I finally let go of the dress. It billows out behind me as I try and scramble down the hundred and seventeen steps of the grand entrance. I just want to get as far away from this place as possible.

  “Miranda!”

  His voice rips through me like an ice pick. My stiletto catches the bottom of my dress and I trip as I try to turn and look behind me. As I begin to tumble, someone breaks my dramatic fall. Bathed in the pale moonlight on the grand stairs of the Opera House, I find myself wrapped in Tench’s arms.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Tench’s arms are warmer than I recall, and feel safer than I remember. He smells good. I’ve forgotten the good things about him. I subtly rest my head against his chest for a moment and close my eyes, wishing that things were different. Finally, I allow myself to look up and stare into his eyes.

  His beautiful coffee eyes are far from sinister. They stare at me with an intensity that is hard to describe, though I can still make out the evil just below their surface.

  “Miranda, I can’t believe it’s you. I’ve missed you so much,” Tench softly whispers.

  A tear creeps out from my eye unexpectedly and rolls down my cheek.

  “I am so sorry for everything I’ve done to you, gorgeous.” He tenderly wipes the tear from my cheek. “I never wanted to lose you. I feel like I can’t breathe without you in my life.”

  My heart pounds violently in my chest, and another tear follows the last down my cheek. Tench’s words are exactly what I wish Nick had said to me, instead of reminding me of being a whore. Why did I have to come here tonight? Why didn’t I call Nick back? I continue to look into the depths of Tench’s eyes but not a single word finds its way to my lips. Confusion soaks the inner workings of my brain. I thought Tench was supposed to be overseas? I pull myself out of his embrace and fuss about in my excessive dress as I attempt standing again.

  “Where have you been, Miranda?” Tench asks as he helps me up.

  I don’t know what to say. This wasn’t part of the plan.

  “She was with me in Italy!” Charlie obtrusively interrupts the moment between us.

  Once again I can count on Charlie’s impeccable timing, my little Italian knight to the rescue again. I look over at Tench to gauge his reaction to Charlie. Charlie looks less than impressed and practically snatches me from Tench’s grip.

  “Hi, Charlie. I’m Joe Tench. We met at the Fashion Week opening party, remember?” Tench holds his hand out for Charlie to shake.

  Charlie’s eyes narrow and he doesn’t meet Tench’s outstretched hand. Instead he continues to hold onto me. “I know exactly who you are,” he says down his nose.

  People begin to spill out of the entrance and cascade down the stairs, laughing and embracing one another in jubilation over the beautiful ballet performance that they’ve just witnessed. Their emotions seem the complete opposite to my own at the moment. I’m still in shock as I stare at Tench. Our eyes don’t part as the stream of theatregoers flows around us. I look to Charlie for some assistance out of this situation and pray that my little friend understands me like he normally does.

  “Come on. Let’s go.” Charlie pulls me into the flow of people.

  “Can I see you again, Miranda?” Tench sounds desperate.

  I give Charlie a quick glance and hold my finger up to ask him to wait a moment as I turn back to Tench. I inhale deep as I approach him. It’s time to kick into character.

  “I’ll come to your place tomorrow. We have a lot to talk about … You broke my heart, Joe.” My voice cracks as I look up into his eyes.

  Tench’s face drops at the thought of breaking my heart. I can tell it’s hit a raw nerve. Little does he know, the words I’m saying aren’t for him, they’re for Nick. Saying them aloud has the desired effect and tears trickle down my cheeks. I close my eyes and turn dramatically away from Tench as if seeing him again hurts too much … and meanwhile, my heart aches for Nick. I know my performance is faultless. Charlie looks sympathetically towards me. He too is dragged into my deceit. I hold onto Charlie for support as we walk with the flow of people leaving the Opera House.

  I look over my shoulder and catch Tench still standing on the stairs as he watches me get carried away into the sea of streaming people. His immaculate tuxedo shines in the moonlight and I take in the handsome sight of Joe Tench until the ocean of people slowly engulfs me and I can no longer see him.

  We reach the roundabout at Macquarie Street. Charlie waves as a taxi pulls out of a park and comes towards us to take us away. There’s something not right about tonight.

  I look into Charlie’s eyes to try and find any hint of whether he was involved in any of this. It seems all a little convenient that Tench was here when he
wasn’t supposed to be. The agency would never make a mistake like that.

  My fight with Nick was a little out of the ordinary too. My mind continues to tick over as my intuition overrides any rational thoughts that this was all a big coincidence. As I lower down to the backseat of the car, I notice two men in a car on the opposite side of the street. The driver’s familiar eyes meet mine and he slowly pulls out of the park and drives off.

  The agency set this up!

  “Charlie, drop me off at Nick’s. It’s just around the corner from here. I need to end this with him.”

  “Oh no! Don’t tell me you’re having feelings for Joe Tench again now that you’ve seen him? Come on, Mi. He might be hot as fuck, but he is bad news.”

  I shrug at Charlie. Now knowing tonight is all part of the plan, I make sure it continues in the direction the agency had mapped out for me. I can feel the anger building up in the pit of my stomach, igniting like a ball of fire. I watch out of the back window and check to see if I have a tail. There are about four cars behind us. I direct Charlie’s driver around the block, stating that I don’t know my way around very well, but really just ensuring Tench hasn’t followed.

  Charlie frowns at me as I exit the taxi. “You sure you want to do this?”

  Does Charlie know more than Nick is telling me? What is he referring to by this? Nick or Tench?

  “Thanks for a great night. I love you,” I say and quickly kiss him on the cheek.

  I enter the number to Nick’s apartment into the intercom and Simon’s voice streams through the speaker. “Hey, sis. You wanna come up?”

  The elevator doors spring open just as he finishes the question. I don’t reply and just enter the elevator. I gather that Simon’s question was rhetorical, since there’s no other reason why I’d buzz if it wasn’t for wanting to get into Nick’s apartment. Plus, I’m in no mood for small talk. I want answers. I burst into the apartment in my impressive dress like a theatrical maiden.