Finding Thyme

by TJ Hamilton

  I hear the muffled sound of talking out in the kitchen. Who is here with Liz? I close my eyes again and focus on the voices. I can faintly hear a man’s voice with Liz … Nick?

  I launch myself from the bed and shake my head to rid the pounding. I knew it! It wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been. Nick is still alive!

  I surge out of the bedroom and stagger towards the kitchen. My heart is playing a vicious rhythm in my chest and my head pulses with each beat. I fall through the kitchen’s entrance and into the strong arms of my brother, Simon. He grips onto me tightly and the weight of grief crashes into my body again like a freight train. My legs give out and I succumb to the urge to cry. I shake and sob as I beg aloud, over and over, for my wish to come true. I just want Nick to come through the front door and tell me it’s all a lie. Simon’s strong embrace only makes me miss Nick more and I cry out, “Why Simon? Why did this have to happen?”

  I can’t bring myself to stand and Simon holds me up in his arms. “I don’t know what to say, sissy. I wish I could take your pain away.” He walks me out of the kitchen and towards the couch in the lounge room.

  “You can take my pain away, Simon. You can tell me this is all a big mistake and find Nick alive for me. I don’t believe he’s gone. I won’t believe it. I can’t …” I bury my head back into Simon’s chest and wail loudly. He strokes my hair and holds me tight. I just wish there was a way to change this. Why couldn’t the agency stop this from happening? He was my love. I loved him and now he’s gone. They took him from me.

  “Mia, you’re going to have to pull yourself together,” Simon gently coaxes. “Liz has been telling me about your next steps. You know what to do now, so do it.”

  I look up from his chest and study his expression. I know my twin better than anyone. Why isn’t he mentioning anything about Nick? Is it because he’s still alive? Simon’s mouth curves into a sympathetic smile.

  “What about Nick?” I whisper.

  I feel Simon’s frame expand around me as he heaves a sigh. “You’ll have plenty of time to grieve once you finish this operation. I was just telling Liz that I’ll take you to one of our safe houses in the Seychelles. It’s beautiful and there are only a few of us in the world who have access to it. You can spend your days crying there. I’ll be with you.” Simon sells his idea to comfort me.

  I can’t help but smile at his effort. “That sounds nice. But I’ll still have trouble believing Nick is really gone.”

  Simon’s frown returns. “It’s hard for me to believe too, sis. It’s hard for anyone to come to terms with death. But it’s real. What further proof do you need other than his dead body? You have to just accept this, Mia.”

  I can hear frustration building in my brother’s voice. Why can’t I just move on like he says? It feels harder to deal with than my father’s death was, but maybe that’s because I was young when my father died. Now that I’m older, I can’t imagine my life without Nick in it. We had our whole future ahead of us. How am I ever going to get over that?

  Liz gets up and clears her throat. “Mi, I’m going back to HQ to get everything we need to keep going with this.” She stares at me, waiting for my response.

  I wipe the back of my hand across my puffy cheek and nod. “You’re right, Liz. Let’s get on with it. The show must go on.”

  I feel the corner of my lips stretch out, but it’s not a real smile. I don’t know if I’ll ever really smile again.

  TWO

  When both Simon and Liz have finally left me alone, I make my way across the main foyer to the adjacent apartment. I’ve wanted to see what was in there for so long. I pause for a moment as I twist the handle and hear the latch unlock. Holding the door ajar, I wonder if anyone could be inside. Why would it be unlocked?

  I glance behind me at the empty foyer and push the door open. This apartment is a stark contrast to my light and airy one directly next to it. It’s darkened by the heavy drapes across the windows.

  The smell in here is distinct. I know that smell … it smells like Nick. I stand frozen and close my eyes, gently inhaling the subtle aroma of him trapped within the apartment’s air. The door shuts behind me and startles me from the pleasant daydream and my eyes spring open.

  The space is not homely or inviting. It’s bare and sterile: a desk in the living area, a room full of flat-screen TVs, a fridge in the kitchen and a single bed in a bedroom. Whoever came to this space came here to work.

  I rush around the dark apartment to try and find the closet. As I search, I notice the place has remnants of him everywhere. An empty coffee cup on the desk in the middle of the main room; the paperwork next to it; a chocolate-bar wrapper left on the floor. I visualise Nick here, leaving behind what now remains.

  I finally find the closet. As I swing the doors open, the odour instantly fills my nostrils with an intoxicating perfume that floods images of Nick to my mind. I grab at the hanging shirts and push my face into them, taking in as much of the fabric as I can. Oh Nick, you’re still here! I rub my face all over the shirts like a feline leaving scent. My heart feels heavy again and the build-up of tears puts pressure on the back of my eyes.

  Just as I feel myself throttling back into the depths of despair, I manage to pull myself away from Nick’s clothes and slowly shut the closet door again. This will be my place to come if I need it … this will be my secret. He will always be here this way.

  I leave the closet behind and turn my attention to the flat-screen televisions in the other room. Turning on all twelve of them, I study the locations of the cameras. At least half of them show nothing but a black screen. I assume they were originally monitoring my apartment. The remainder show Tench’s mansion. I study where they have managed to get bugs in so far. I’ll need to get more in there than this. What were they thinking?

  I use the empty whiteboard next to the screens and start making notes of the rooms that I still need to get bugs into. I need at least fourteen bugs for better coverage—twenty would be ideal—but I’ll have to wait and see what Liz actually brings back. I start plotting possible locations within each room and how I can get them in undetected. The weight of how dangerous this is interrupts my thoughts for a fleeting moment, but I have the best weapons against all of this: my body, and Tench’s desire. I just need to harvest his desires for my gain and I’m on the road to success.

  Nick’s death is the perfect remedy to halt any feelings I have for Tench. I clutch my hands tight over my mouth … I didn’t just think that! How could I? I suck back the tears and steady myself from hyperventilating with solid, deep breaths. I’m so glad Liz isn’t here to witness this crazy behaviour.

  “I am in total control of the situation,” I whisper to myself and close my eyes, thoughts of Nick pushed aside.

  I focus back on the bugs and think of what steps to take next. I need more information on Tench and his associates in Russia. I need to work out exactly what he’s doing so that we know what we’re up against. I wonder what the agency’s thoughts are so far? I feel like I don’t know nearly enough about all of this. I was just their pawn, after all.

  “Are you in here, Mia?” Simon’s voice calls out.

  I walk towards him and as soon as I see him in the doorway it makes me feel at ease.

  “Come through. I was just going over new locations to place more listening equipment.”

  Simon brings a welcome smile to my face. I never thought that one day I’d work with my brother, taking down bad guys. Having him work with me on this makes me feel protected. Our lives had been headed in completely different directions as young adults, so I’m just thankful that Simon accepted my decisions, the good and the bad, and is still a part of it.

  “This is good, Mi. Do you know if your mobile phone is still in his office?” I look to Simon the second the question leaves his lips.

  “You knew about that?”

  He smirks back at me. “I know a lot.”

  What else is behind those eyes? I know my brother better than anyone; there i
s more to this. I continue staring at him until he looks uncomfortable and comes clean.

  “What?” He shrugs. “Nick called me in to do a few K and R jobs for the agency.”

  “K and R?”

  “Kidnap and ransom. Tench’s guys in Russia kidnapped a couple of the top politicians’ daughters and threatened to sell them on the black market if they didn’t pay up.”

  “You knew this about Tench and you didn’t think to tell me before?”

  Simon’s wicked smirk appears again. “I was going to tell you, but you came running to me before I even had the chance to, remember? Why do you think I had the boys on standby so quickly? I knew Nick was watching Tench, so I didn’t think you were going to be in any danger. They wouldn’t have let you die.”

  “What? Because the agency is really good at keeping people alive,” I sarcastically snap back. “They couldn’t even keep one of their own safe during a training exercise! I don’t want anything to do with that place. I’m not doing this for them. I’m doing this for Nick … and Sally, and any other person that has suffered at the hands of Joe Tench.” My eyes narrow in frustration.

  I don’t see the agency being very competent at all. I’ll put up with them for their resources, and that’s it. The rest I can do myself, along with the help of Liz, and my brother, if I need him.

  What’s the best course of action for my relationship with Tench? I need him to want me more than he can control. I need to give him control so that he loses it. I need to submit to him to gain my power over him. This is going to be a hard situation for Liz to understand, and even harder for my brother to comprehend. But they don’t know the sex industry like I do. They will never understand the power of sex.

  I need to talk to Liz about this straight away so that I can go back to Tench and begin the process. Right on cue, I see her on one of the TV screens. She’s wheeling a trolley into the foyer and then I hear the front door click open. I follow Simon out of the room to help Liz with the trolley stacked tall with cardboard boxes.

  “The boss let me take whatever I wanted,” she breathes heavily from behind the trolley, “so I did. I just need to call him with daily updates and he’ll leave us alone to carry out the mission.” Her head pops around from the stack of boxes. “I don’t know what you said to him, Mia, but he’s not fucking around with your requests.” Surprise saturates her voice as she speaks.

  I think back to what I said to the boss. It wasn’t that bad. It was more just a warning that I won’t help if he doesn’t leave me the fuck alone to do this my way.

  Simon rushes to take the first boxes and hands them down to Liz and me, and we place them around the bare room. Simon gets to the bottom two rows and struggles to lift one of the boxes.

  “Shit.” His voice is strained.

  “Ah yeah, that would be the arsenal. I had to hide the gun cases, so I put them into removal boxes.” She smiles. The words roll off her tongue so naturally and my brother’s nonchalant response brings a smirk onto my downtrodden face. This is totally normal talk for the both of them. On the other hand, I still find it amusing. We now have a vacant apartment in the middle of the city with a shitload of weapons in it. Cool!

  Liz starts opening boxes and places the contents around on the floor of the main room. Simon heads for the boxes containing the weaponry. He lifts out the heavy metal cases within them and takes them straight into the spare room where Nick’s clothes are. I hear the distinct clicking sounds of metal and metal sliding together as gun mechanisms are being pulled over each other. I know Simon is in his element right now.

  “How many bugs do we have?” I ask.

  Liz finishes counting the pieces of equipment on the floor and looks up at me. “There’s around fifty in that box there. There are varying types. I managed to get my hands on the infra-red projectors that will link in with the three-dimensional responder on the ground floor.”

  The thought reminds me that I need to speak to Liz about what she might see with the addition of more bugs inside the mansion. I need to warn her that some of my actions will shock her. I need to warn her that she will learn very quickly just how fucked up I really am. Everything that has happened in my life has led me to this point. My life was one big grooming to be the only person fucked up enough to submit to someone like Joe Tench. I motion for Liz to follow me into the monitoring room.

  “There are some things I need to talk to you about without Simon around,” I whisper.

  The fact that I’m even whispering now will set Simon into a flurry of questions if he catches us. Liz understands covert better than anyone and nods once. She makes her way back out to the main room, and I follow. She grabs a set of car keys from the desk and walks to the room where Simon is.

  He’s holding the pistol that’s calibrated to my brain frequency and rolls it side to side, inspecting it closer. Frowning, he turns to us as we walk into the room. Finally, I know more about a weapon than he does. I take it from his hands and hold it out towards one of the thick-concreted internal walls of the apartment. I think about the weapon firing and watch the four green lights consecutively light up at the back of the slide. I hear the high-pitched hum that signals the weapon has responded to my thoughts.

  “FLOS.” I turn back to my brother with a bored expression. “Frontal Lobe Operating System. It’s coded to me and me only.” I say the word disarm in my head. The firearm stops humming and the green lights fade to black.

  Simon glances to Liz. “You have one too?”

  She smiles and nods back at him. His eyes brighten as he smirks, overtly impressed by it all.

  “There are four more boxes in the back of the SUV down in the underground garage. Could you grab the rest please, Simon?” Liz asks with extra sweetness.

  Simon’s grin spreads the entire width of his face. He’s all too eager to please the statuesque Liz. I smile in amusement when Simon leaves the room.

  “You underestimate yourself, Liz. You’ve got him wrapped around your finger.” I wink.

  A red flush breaks out over her face and she shakes her head and scoffs, “Don’t be ridiculous. So, tell me about these things you need to talk to me about.”

  THREE

  “What do you know about sexual submission?”

  Liz’s brows pull together. “Know about what?”

  “That’s what I thought.” Great! This is going to be awkward. “There are things I know that Tench likes. He thrives off control. There are things in the bedroom, during sex, that I know he will begin to lose control with, if I just play it right.”

  Liz looks even more confused. I just need to be as frank as possible. Lessening the shock factor is not an option here.

  I let out a slightly frustrated puff of air. “I am going to let Tench rough me up during some wild sex romps so that I have power over him.”

  Liz’s expression is still stuck on confusion. “How does that work?” She screws her nose up.

  “Tench’s weakness is control. He knows he doesn’t have it over me personally since I ran away from him, so I am going to give it to him in the bedroom. If I know him like I do, he won’t know what to do with himself and he’ll be so wrapped up in treating me like a piece of flesh to pound, he’ll be oblivious to anything else going on.” I add a smile to lighten the dark subject. “Trust me, this is quite normal with powerful men. And they love it even more when they know deep down it’s all an act. Why do you think high-class prostitution is such a lucrative business?”

  Liz nods slowly, her eyes deep in thought.

  “I can’t have my brother see any of this though, okay? There are certain rooms that I won’t allow bugs in even for you to see. I don’t want you to question this in front of him. In fact, I’d rather my brother bear witness to very little of this at all. It just makes me feel weird.”

  Liz begins to understand and her nod changes to vigorous.

  “If you ever think my life’s in imminent danger, bring my brother in. He will deal with it; he always does.”

&nbs
p; I think Liz is troubled by my speech; silence seems to be her only response. Again, I’m reminded why the agency called me in for this. Where is my sexual deviant friend Charlie when I need him? He would understand this strange world and make me feel normal again. I admit to maybe being more like Tench than I’d care to be.

  The door clicks open in the other room and I thank Simon for interrupting the awkward silence. I leave Liz to ponder over her thoughts as I help Simon with the rest of the boxes. Liz enters the room we’re in and eyes my brother. Finally, she smiles, and I know she’s going to be okay. Poor Liz! She’s so straight!

  “I’m going back to Tench tonight,” I say once all the equipment is unpacked.

  Liz and Simon both look up at the same time. “Already?” I can tell Liz is concerned by her absent gaze.

  I nod. “Yeah. It’s already been two days since I was there. I’m going to have to come up with something good as it is.”

  Liz’s mouth contorts and moves around as she thinks. “Tell Tench your brother just arrived in town from overseas.”

  Simon nods, agreeing with her. I shake my head. “He’ll want to meet him.”

  “So, what’s wrong with that?” Simon asks. “I know the deal, so why not?”

  “Can you be identified with your work in Russia?”

  Simon’s face screws in anger and he laughs arrogantly. “I’m in off-grid black operations, not news broadcasting.” His tensed brow tells me he’s offended.

  I look to Liz for assistance, but she gives me nothing but a shrug to suggest this isn’t such a bad idea. I glare at her momentarily and return a smile back to Simon.

  “Sure.” I roll my eyes.

  Simon looks smug. I know why he wants to go to Tench’s.

  “I don’t want to be protected, Simon. I can protect myself … but maybe this will give Tench the opening into my private life that he’s so desperate for.” My eyes light up. “More control.”

  Simon throws me a set of car keys. “Car’s packed.” He smiles.

  I look down at the keys and stroke my thumb across the Mercedes logo. I don’t feel right about taking Nick’s beloved Mercedes SLS AMG, but I keep getting told that he would want this. I haven’t driven a car in years … and this car is a powerful beast. A smile surfaces at the possibility of getting behind the wheel of Nick’s engine. Should I be feeling any kind of happiness about this?