If You Don't Know By Now

by Teresa Southwick

  “Why what?”

  “The part about threatening to quit the army?”

  “For me,” he said. “Before it’s too late.”

  “Too late? I don’t under stand.”

  “You don’t want to know. I’ve done somethings that would probably shock you, Maggie.”

  “Like what, Jack?” She rested her sun glasses on top of her head and met his gaze without flinching.

  He ran a hand through his hair. That was the last thing he’d intended to say. A soldier didn’t question orders; a soldier just carried them out. His military service was none of her business. Or maybe it was more that he didn’t want to confess and see shock and disapproval chase away her trusting innocence.

  “Believe me. It’s best if you don’t know.”

  She continued to meet his gaze with a direct one of her own. “I have a feeling you’re being too hard on yourself.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you always were.”

  “It was hard not to be. I had a reputation. For God’s sake, your parents ordered you not to see me.”

  One corner of her mouth tipped up. “Yeah. Unlike you, I guess I wouldn’t have made a very good soldier.”

  It came back in a flash—waiting around the corner from her house while she sneaked out to meet him. The anticipation. The exhilaration when he’d pulled her into his arms. They hadn’t been able to get enough of each other.

  “Trust me, ten years of soldiering changes a person.”

  “Ten years changes anyone. I’m not the same person I was when you left. And I don’t have any idea what you’re like now. But if you abide by the terms of the will, you’ll be here for a while. I’d like to get to know you—the way you are now. It’s about time.”

  “Why do you say that?” he asked, curious at her phrasing.

  “I-it just seems that—Dottie would have wanted it that way,” she finished.

  Considering the will, he couldn’t argue with that logic. But she deserved to know what kind of man was living next door to her and her daughter.

  “For starters, my language leaves something to be desired in polite society.”

  “Last time I checked, colorful language wasn’t a hanging offense. And I don’t think there’s anything you could say that I haven’t already heard.”

  “What about Faith? I’m sorry she got in trouble for repeating something I said.”

  Maggie smiled, a look filled with affection he’d only seen her use on Faith. “One thing about my daughter—she doesn’t need help getting into trouble. Whatever your sins, Jack, make sure they’re yours alone. Don’t take on more than you should. Faith is gifted at pushing the envelope. She knew good and well to not say that word. Besides, you can’t be held responsible for her eaves dropping. She was testing me.”

  “How?”

  “Trying to shock me—to see what I would do.”

  “And?”

  “I didn’t let her down. She got a reaction, swift and sure.” Maggie grinned. “I’ve done a lot of reading. Children beg for boundaries. They break rules hoping that a parent will lower the boom as a way of demonstrating how much they’re loved.”

  “Really?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sounds pretty complicated.”

  “Not really. The point is—I think you need to cut yourself some slack, Jack.”

  “If you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn’t say that.”

  He studied Maggie, who opened her mouth as if to say more then abruptly shut it. “Look, I don’t want to hold you up. You’ve obviously got things to do. Faith is waiting.”

  As if to under score his point, her car horn blared, making her jump. She glanced at her daughter and waved. “Hold your horses. I’m coming.” Then she turned back to him. “You’re right. I have to go. See you later.”

  “’Bye.”

  He watched her walk down the steps, leather sandals on her feet and her trim little figure show cased perfectly in a denim sundress. Red polish made her toes look as sassy and colorful as the rest of her. He couldn’t help but wonder what his life would have been like if he hadn’t left town. Would their illicit liaison have been discovered? Would he and Maggie be together now?

  That line of thought was point less. It didn’t matter. Ten years had turned him into a man she wouldn’t want. No amount of wishing would change that fact.

  For the next three hundred and sixty-four days, he needed to batten down the hatches, guard his perimeter and bolster the fortifications. When he’d walked away from Destiny all those years ago, he’d left behind any chance for a normal life. When he walked away a year from now after surveillance of a normal life, he wouldn’t leave Maggie’s heart—or his own—in rubble.

  “Hi, Maggie.”

  Startled at Jack’s voice, Maggie’s hand flailed out and knocked over her coffee cup. Fortunately for her antiquated computer it went in the opposite direction of the keyboard.

  “Good grief, Jack,” she said, jumping up to grab the roll of paper towels on the shelf beneath the cash register. She went back to her small desk in the corner and blotted the brown liquid seeping into her pa per work. “The least you could do is let a person know you’re there. Maybe you should wear a bell around your neck.”

  He came around the counter and ripped a paper towel off the roll. Lifting the keyboard out of the way, he helped her mop up the liquid.

  “Maybe you need a bell over the door so you know when you’re not alone.”

  “This is Destiny. Folks don’t need a bell. They announce their presence—with their mouth.”

  “I’ll remember that.”

  Maggie’s impression when she’d left him about two hours ago was that he would hunker down in the house. Part of the reason he’d startled her so was that he was the last person she’d expected to see.

  She put a hand on her hip. “What are you doing here? Couldn’t stay away, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  She’d been kidding, but he didn’t look like he was. “Yeah? I thought you Special Forces types could be still like a statue for years and only come up for air when the coast was clear.”

  Humor flickered in his expression before he tamped it down. “A trained operative reconnoiters first.”

  “Would you mind translating for those of us who aren’t trained?”

  “We snoop out our surroundings to see where an enemy attack might come from.”

  She glanced around her shop with its displays of beaded bags and embroidered jackets. T-shirts were arranged on a wonderful antique dressing table and a chest of drawers held odds and ends—This ’N That.

  “Well, you certainly picked the right place to sniff out an enemy strong hold. God knows there’s a secret agent lurking behind every sequined shirt and antique mirror in the place. It’s cluttered, a good environment for your archenemy covert operative to find the perfect hiding place.”

  “Are you making fun of me?” He folded his arms over his chest.

  “You bet I am.”

  “No one makes fun of me.”

  “Don’t look now, but I think I just did.” She glanced up at him and couldn’t resist lifting her chin just a fraction. “Someone needs to. You take yourself far too seriously.”

  “I see. And you arrived at this diagnosis after how many years of schooling?”

  She could lie, but that wasn’t her style. At least not about the things she could safely tell him. “I dropped out of high school. Later I took an equivalency and received credit so I could take some business classes.”

  “So you have no training in psychiatry?”

  “Not formal, no.” He looked momentarily puzzled, but fortunately didn’t ask why a college prep student like her had dropped out. “Although I’m pretty intuitive.”

  “Well, there’s credentials.”

  “Are you making fun of me?” she asked, letting a wet paper towel fall into her trash.

  “You bet I am.”

  “Okay. Good. You learn fast.”

  “That�
�s what my commanding officer said after basic. The rest, as they say, is history.” He glanced at her desk. “So what are you doing?”

  “It’s a slow day. The championships ended last night and most of the town’s visitors left. I need to catch up on my computer work.”

  “I could help.”

  Maggie happened to be studying his expression and that was the only reason she saw the surprise on his face. He hadn’t meant to say that. She’d bet her best-selling jacket design on that. So why had he? Should she let him off the hook? That would be the easy way out. For her and him. It had never been her style before. Why should she start now?

  She needed to get to know him. She had a decision to make and that would be impossible without data. The only way to get the info she needed about Jack was to spend time with him. Besides, if he could do as much for her computer here at the shop as he had for the one at home, she would be in his debt forever.

  “I’d appreciate any help you could give me,” she answered honestly.

  He walked over to the keyboard and pressed a couple keys. “I could upgrade your system if you’d like.”

  “What’s wrong with the system I’ve got?”

  “For one thing it’s so old I doubt you’re compatible with any equipment or software in the free world.”

  “You’re exaggerating.”

  “I never exaggerate.”

  “There’s a surprise,” she said dryly. “Am I going to have to spend money on it?”

  “Do you want to?”

  She shook her head. “Not if I can help it. It’s not in my budget.”

  “Then, no.” He sat in her chair and started fiddling with the machine.

  “Are you going to program it so I can’t use it? Will it go berserk and destroy the town of Destiny?”

  He shot her a wry glance. “You’ve been watching too many cheesy TV movies of the week.”

  “No way. I’m serious. When you’re finished, will I need a doc to rate in computer technology to know how many beaded bags are in my inventory?”

  “I will tutor you regarding any changes that I make.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Gosh, he was cute. In one of those moments in time that stand still, she realized he was cute as could be and she loved teasing the serious out of him. She’d been attracted to him in high school. He’d been the only time she’d ever disobeyed her parents. Now, a decade later she was still attracted to him. She couldn’t decide whether or not that should be comforting.

  As Jack’s fingers flew over the keys, Maggie realized that as much as she wished to stare at His Cuteness, it wasn’t the smartest thing she could do. She busied herself storing inventory and putting away merchandise that she’d brought back from her booth at last night’s rodeo. She thought he might chat, but the silence from his side of the room was deafening. Either he couldn’t talk and compute at the same time, or he didn’t want to talk to her at all.

  This might be a good time to change her window display. After all, it would be Fourth of July pretty soon. She pulled out a white T-shirt, the front of which was emblazoned with a silver-red-and-blue sequined flag. She un dressed the mannequin in the window, then redressed it in the spark ling shirt and a coordinating pair of white shorts. For the final touch, she added a red-beaded shoulder bag. Behind the mannequin, she tacked up some other decorative shirts—one with a lighted firecracker, another with Uncle Sam’s face, and, of course, the Statue of Liberty—all the symbols of the freedom to be celebrated several weeks from now.

  It occurred to her that Jack had worked to safe guard the liberty that she and everyone else in Destiny took for granted. He’d hinted that his soul was a lost cause. She thought he was wrong, but even if he wasn’t, she figured she owed him. For a lot of things.

  When she turned to climb out of the window, she found him standing there watching her. He held out his hand to assist her down.

  “Thanks. Is my computer done already?”

  “It’s up loading some stuff. And it’s slow,” he added.

  “So am I. Why should it be faster than I am?”

  He didn’t answer. Instead he studied her in that serious way she was beginning to recognize.

  “Go ahead,” she suggested.

  “What?”

  “You want to ask me a question. Go ahead.”

  “Why isn’t there a man in your life?”

  That wasn’t the question she’d been expecting. Compared to that, solving a calculus equation would be a walk in the park. Finally she settled on evasion.

  “What makes you think there isn’t?”

  “I just know.”

  “You’ve been here less than twenty-four hours. We shared a cup of coffee together this morning, then I chatted with you on your front porch. How could you possibly know anything about me?”

  “No guy stuff in your family room. Just girly things. Instinct tells me there’s no man in your life. And it doesn’t make sense,” he added.

  “Why not?”

  He only hesitated a moment before answering. “Because you’re beautiful, smart and funny. You should be beating the guys off with a stick.”

  She was too stunned to reply. The man who buried his feelings so deep the average person would mistake him for a robot had just paid her a compliment. How did she respond to that?

  “I’m picky,” was all she could think of to say.

  “All evidence to the contrary.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Faith. I did the math. She was conceived right after I left. In your letters you promised to love me forever.”

  “I was a kid, Jack. Besides, you dumped me. Remember?”

  Had he guessed her secret? Her heart pounded and she was hot all over. How would he take the news? He’d sounded almost sad that she hadn’t fulfilled her promise about loving him. She didn’t know what to think. Did he believe he’d made a mistake? Would he ask for a “do over”?

  “I remember what I did.” He sighed and stared out the window at downtown Destiny. “And it was for the best. I learned not to count on a future beyond tomorrow.”

  “Jack, I—”

  He held up a hand. “Forget it, Mags. If that sounded like a criticism— Believe me, it wasn’t. And I’m not fishing for information. You would have told me if she was mine. It would be a miracle if a guy like me was responsible for someone as wonderful as Faith. Miracles are something else I learned not to count on.”

  Tell him, Maggie.

  He’d just handed her the perfect opportunity. But she couldn’t. Not yet. She needed to know more about him. Why did he think he didn’t deserve Faith? She hadn’t known him well a decade ago, what kind of man was he now? She had an obligation to find out more. Once she took the step, there was no going back.

  “Why are you so cynical, Jack?”

  “Why aren’t you, Maggie?”

  “Because I believe the best about people until they give me reason not to.”

  “You’re asking to get kicked in the teeth.”

  “I think I’m meeting people halfway.”

  He shook his head. “You need a keeper, Mags.”

  “You applying for the job?”

  “As much as I need something to fill my time while I wait for the year to be up, I think you’re a bigger job than I can handle.”

  “No guts, no glory,” she said.

  “If the combat boot fits, a smart man keeps his mouth shut.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Beats the heck out of me.” He looked at her for several moments. “Are you hungry?”

  She would swear that he was looking at her mouth when he’d said the words. Suddenly her heart began to beat like the bass drum leading the Independence Day parade. “I am,” she whispered, her mouth so dry the inside of her throat felt like sand pa per.

  “Would you have lunch with me?”

  “I would.”

  Maggie knew she had no business being this happy that Jack Riley had invited her to spend tim
e with him. She felt like a giddy school girl again. God help her.

  Chapter 5

  Jack sat across from Maggie at the Road Kill Café, downtown Destiny’s only eatery. They shared a booth in a semi-secluded corner, the table between them covered with a red-and-white checkered cloth. The restaurant’s interior reminded him of the generic Old West saloon portrayed in every B Western he’d ever seen. Wooden floor, long bar with brass footrail and round tables surrounded by barrel-backed chairs dotting the center of the room.

  “So this is the famous, or should I say infamous, Road Kill Café,” he commented, looking every where but at her.

  “Wasn’t this here ten years ago?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure.”

  There was a lot of that going around. He wasn’t sure why he’d volunteered for lunch duty with Maggie. When he finally looked at her and she smiled, he knew. The answer was as clear and bright as her face. This was a chance to bask in her warmth—for just a little while. He couldn’t make himself go back to his bleak world and it was all Maggie’s fault. She’d brought vibrant shades of color back into his life.

  If he felt that strongly about her after less than twenty-four hours, what would happen in a year? But three hundred and sixty-five days was all it could be. He’d been raised an army brat without the kind of roots too deep to be pulled. When his dad retired, they’d lived a few years in Destiny. At his father’s insistence, Jack had enlisted after high school. Permanent wasn’t in his vocabulary. It was stupid to start something he couldn’t finish.

  After today, he would just have to avoid her. He’d been the beneficiary of the best covert training in the world. Eluding one small green-eyed redhead should be a walk in the park. So why did it feel like he was running for his life?

  “Earth to Jack.”

  “Hmm? Did you say something?”

  He focused on her and tried to find a safe zone. Her silky hair made him want to run his fingers through the fiery strands. Those big eyes of hers, flecked with gold and different shades of green, threatened to pull him in and drown him. But her mouth was by far the most dangerous territory. Her lush, full lips made him think about twisted sheets and long, slow kisses on a warm summer night.