If You Don't Know By Now

by Teresa Southwick

  “You make it sound easy,” he commented.

  She shook her head. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it made me strong. I can handle whatever comes my way. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life.”

  “Where are they now? Your parents, I mean.”

  “Traveling. The Texas summers are hard on them so they get away.” She sighed. “Jack, think about it. When I got that letter returned, I never expected to see you again. Why would I think you’d come back to me—to Destiny, I mean?”

  “But I did come back. You’ve had an opportunity or two or ten to tell me the truth.” Again, anger coiled inside him like a deadly snake. “I brought it up, then dismissed the idea.” He stopped and inhaled a long breath, then looked at her. “I gave you the perfect lead-in. You could have told me. Was that payback?”

  “No.” She met his gaze. “Again, put yourself in my shoes.”

  “You’re not wearing any.” He looked down at her bare feet and hated himself. In spite of the fact that he was irritated as hell, he noticed her pink-painted toenails—and the implied intimacy.

  One corner of her full lips tilted up. “Since when are you Mr. Literal? Try to comprehend where I’m coming from.”

  “Tell me.”

  She took a deep breath, as if she were about to go underwater. “I never really knew you. We didn’t spend all that much time together ten years ago.”

  She was right about that. And at least fifty percent of the time they’d shared hadn’t been spent talking, he recalled. He and Maggie had been all fire, desire and attraction. They hadn’t been able to get enough of each other, and somethings didn’t change if last night was anything to go by. Leaving her had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. But back then, after a couple brushes with the law, his dad had decided the army would be just the thing to straighten out the wild kid he was becoming. He’d been right.

  “Go on,” he urged.

  “Out of the blue, you walk back into my life with no information except that you’re career military. You can’t tell me what you’ve been up to for the last ten years so how could I trust you with the fact that you’re Faith’s father? My duty, first and foremost, is to protect her.”

  He couldn’t fault her for that. “Okay.”

  “Is that all you can say?” she cried.

  “It’s a polite response while I assimilate in formation.”

  “Look, Jack.” She huffed out a breath, clearly irritated and trying to stay calm. “You said you weren’t going to stay in town long. If Faith knew about you, she’d want to spend time with you but you’d be gone again.” A look of pain and desolation crossed her face. “She’s learned to get along without a father because she had to. Since you weren’t going to be around anyway, I wasn’t sure rocking the boat was wise.”

  “But you knew I’d decided to stay—for the time it would take to make sure the house is mine.”

  “True. But I needed to know what kind of man you are before revealing the truth. Then there was last night when I found you in here.” She glanced at the couch, a guilty, nervous look on her face. “The next thing I knew, I was on my back looking at Attila the Hun.”

  She was right. But for the life of him, he couldn’t regret the kiss that had resulted from his soldier’s instincts. If the pink in her cheeks was any indication, she hadn’t for got ten, either. Did she regret it?

  Now was not the time to be distracted by the memory of her sweet lips and even sweeter curves. “Nothing you’ve said changes the fact that she’s my daughter and I had a right to know about her.”

  “That’s true.”

  “You should have said something right away. You let me believe some guy walked out on you.”

  “Some guy did walk out on me.”

  He remembered Faith telling him about her father and that she hadn’t been abandoned. At least Maggie hadn’t trashed him to her. He braced himself for the intoxicating smell of her when she moved beside him and looked up.

  “It’s not the kind of thing a woman can just blurt out. ‘Hi, Jack, how’ve you been? Oh, by the way, you’re a father.’” She looked at him and let him absorb her words. “Besides, there was always the chance that if you knew, you might want to be a part of her life. I needed to know more before I let you in. I couldn’t take chances.”

  She was right to be wary of him. The things he’d seen and done made him feel tainted. But the fact remained— Faith was his child.

  He was a father.

  Maggie had tried to tell him about the pregnancy. He believed that. As for the rest… Maybe she’d planned to clue him in. Maybe not. But she was a good mother who was doing her level best to be both parents to his daughter. Maggie was trying to protect Faith, even if it meant saving her from him. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t fault her for that, either. If he could change his past and the hard man he’d become, he would do it in a heart beat. Odd thought. He wasn’t sure he had a heart anymore.

  Maggie leaned a shoulder against the wall between the kitchen and the family room. She looked up at him. “I think we need to face the fact that neither of us deliberately did anything wrong. It was just circumstances. Now we have to move on.”

  For all these years his world had narrowed to right versus wrong, black and white. How was he supposed to deal with all these things that stretched the definition of gray area? He felt his self-righteous indignation slipping away.

  “I would never do anything to hurt our daughter,” he said defensively.

  “I think I knew that all along.” She met his gaze and her face went soft.

  “So what’s the plan now?”

  She thought for a moment. “It’s time to tell Faith that you’re her father.”

  “Okay.” He took a deep breath and nodded. “Let’s start the training.”

  She smiled. “There’s no training in the world that can prepare you to be a parent. Although self-defense is a good start.”

  “You nervous?” Maggie asked him the next morning as they waited for their daughter. She was due home any minute from her sleep-over.

  “Do I look nervous?” Jack answered.

  He was standing in her kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand. Maggie studied him. He was wearing jeans that sat easy on his lean hips and molded to his muscular thighs. His black T-shirt clung to every muscle and contour in his torso and arms. His hair was still damp from his morning shower and there wasn’t a hint of shadow on his rugged jaw. She could smell the spicy, get-your-heart-rate-up fragrance of his after shave. Obviously he wanted to make a good impression. And he definitely made an impression on her. He cleaned up real nice and looked sexy as hell. But not nervous.

  “Aren’t you even a little bit scared?” she asked.

  He gave her a wry look. “Maggie, I’ve jumped out of an airplane with the enemy shooting rocket-propelled grenades past my ear. I’ve been pinned down by snipers and survived suicide bombings on the other side of the world.”

  “What was I thinking? Of course you’re not scared,” she agreed.

  “I’m terrified.” He let out a long breath.

  So he was human, after all. Her heart hurt as regret for what might have been welled up inside her. “Jack, there’s something I need to ask you.”

  “Shoot,” he answered, then took a sip of his coffee and met her gaze.

  “Are you upset? Or should I say, how upset are you still?” She studied him, the black hair, blue eyes, creases on either side of his nose and mouth. “I—I didn’t sleep much last night. And I tried to put myself in your shoes, to figure out what you must be feeling. God knows, you don’t give a girl much of a clue.”

  He leaned a muscular shoulder against the wall that separated her kitchen and dining room. “I didn’t sleep much, either,” he admitted. “Honestly, I think I’m numb.”

  “Okay.” Her own polite response while she assimilated information. Good technique.

  “I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

  “I can accept th
at. But are you angry with me?”

  “Why are you asking me that now?”

  “Because if you are, I was hoping you could put it aside when we talk to Faith. We need to make this as matter-of-fact as possible, she’ll accept things more easily.”

  He nodded. “I’ll do my best. But you have to realize that, intellectually, I under stand why you did what you did. Then I come up against the fact that my daughter has been around for nine years and I didn’t know. That gets to me.” He shook his head. “Then I realize I’m a father. That blows my mind. It’s going to take some time to deal with that reality.”

  Maggie heard a car door slam. “Well, time is something of a shortage right now. You’re up, Ace. She’s home.”

  “Okay. Ready to rock and roll.”

  Maggie watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed. He set his coffee mug on the counter and straightened. Any second, she expected him to salute.

  The front door opened then slammed. “Mo-om? I’m home.”

  “In the kitchen,” Maggie called out, then lowered her voice to speak to Jack. “She’s going to love you. Just be yourself.”

  “Why doesn’t that make me feel better?” he muttered.

  A moment later Faith bounced into the room. “Hi, Mom. Hey, Jack. You having break fast with Mom? I’m starving. What’re we eating?”

  “Didn’t you eat at Becky’s house?” Maggie asked.

  “Nope. I didn’t like what her mom fixed.”

  Maggie narrowed her gaze on her off spring. “Did you and Becky get along okay this time?”

  Faith flounced into one of the chairs at the table in the nook and gave her the don’t-you-know-anything look. “She always wants her way, Mom.”

  “So that’s a no?”

  Instead of answering, the child looked at the man she would soon find out was her father. “What are you doing here, Jack?”

  Here goes, Maggie thought. Nothing would ever be the same again. The butterflies clog-dancing in her stomach felt as big as bats.

  “Jack and I have something to tell you.”

  Faith looked from one to the other. “You’re getting married?” she blurted out.

  “No.” Maggie glanced at him to see if he’d had any reaction to the remark.

  His face hadn’t changed. Silly her. The man guarded his emotions as securely as the Secret Service watched over the president. She walked over to the table and sat at a right angle to her daughter. “Do you remember when you used to ask me questions about your father?”

  Faith nodded. “Yeah. You said he left town and disappeared before you could tell him about me. But that if he’d known, he would have been here.”

  “That’s right,” Maggie con firmed. “Well, I have some good news. Your father has come home.”

  Faith stared at her, then Jack. Blue eyes so like his grew wide. Maggie could almost see the wheels in her child’s head spinning like a slot machine, falling into place as she won the jackpot.

  Faith pointed. “It’s him? He’s my father?”

  “That’s right.” Maggie smiled and nodded.

  For several moments there was silence in the room. Maggie had never quite under stood the meaning of pregnant silence until now. It seemed somehow fitting since that’s what had started this whole thing in the first place.

  Jack moved to the table and hunkered down in front of Faith. “Your mom’s right. If I’d known about you, I’d have come back as soon as I could. But I didn’t know. Your mom tried to get in touch with me. I had some—jobs—that kept me away for a long time.”

  Maggie could tell he was picking his words care fully. “Your dad is an army hero, Faith.”

  “Do you have medals?” she asked.

  He shrugged and shook his head. “I’m no hero. Just a man. But you need to under stand that what happened isn’t anyone’s fault. Cir cum stances kept us apart. But I’m here now. And I hope we can spend some time together. Get to know each other.”

  Maggie held her breath, watching her child’s face as she listened to Jack’s words. What was she thinking? Feeling? She and Jack were adults and this was a traumatic situation for them. Faith was only nine years old. How would she take this all in?

  “Wow.” Faith tucked a black curl behind her ear and looked shyly into her father’s face. “My very own dad.”

  “Yeah.” One corner of Jack’s mouth lifted. “What do you think about that?”

  “I think—” She glanced at her mother. “I bet Mom’s glad you’re here. She always says I’m more than one person can handle.”

  “Are you?” he asked still looking at his daughter as if she might disappear any second.

  “Nah. But Mom will be glad to have you for backup.”

  “How do you feel about it?” Maggie asked, trying to prod her into sharing what was going on inside her. Did her reluctance to talk about things come from her father?

  Faith thought for a minute. “I think it’s cool. He can come to my softball games. And soccer games. Maybe he can be a coach for my team, like Becky’s dad.”

  “Whoa,” Maggie warned. “Let’s not go too fast. Remember, Jack’s here temporarily. Until G.G. Dot’s house is all settled.”

  “Okay,” Faith said. “But while he’s here, we can hang out.”

  “I’d like that, Faith,” he said. “So, you’re okay with this?”

  “Yeah. Wanna play catch with me?”

  “Sure.”

  Thank God for sports, Maggie silently prayed. “Okay then,” she said. “But first, how about you take your sleep-over stuff into your room and put it away?”

  “O-okay,” Faith said.

  Jack stood and stared at her. She hopped off the chair and dramatically dragged herself across the room, to the doorway where she’d dropped her things.

  She stopped and turned, glancing at Jack. On her small face was a look filled with such longing it cracked Maggie’s heart in two. As if she thought he might disappear at any second.

  “Jack—I mean, Dad?” she said tentatively. “Is it all right if I call you that?”

  “Is that what you want to call me?”

  She nodded. “Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?” she asked seriously.

  A lump the size of Destiny clogged Maggie’s throat, making her forget about how much her heart hurt.

  “I could use a hug,” Jack answered just as seriously.

  He hunkered down and Faith slowly moved closer to him. He waited, almost as if he didn’t know what to do. Of course he didn’t, Maggie realized. She didn’t suppose his way of life allowed for hugs from little girls on a regular basis.

  Faith stepped between his wide spread knees and put her arms around his neck. Maggie saw his face. If she hadn’t known better, she’d have thought he was in pain. But slowly he put his strong arms around their little girl and pressed her as care fully as spun glass against his chest. No one was supposed to hear the small sigh that escaped him when he closed his eyes and buried his face in Faith’s hair as she rested her cheek on his shoulder.

  Maggie’s eyes filled with tears and she put a hand over her mouth as she studied the two dark heads so close together. All the lost years. Guilt flooded her. Could she have done more to find him? Should she have? He’d discovered something he was good at, at a time he’d needed it. But he and Faith had missed out on so much.

  Finally the child straightened and moved away from the circle of his arms. She smiled at him. “I hafta go put my stuff away. Then we can play.” She started out of the room. “Will you show me how to do some of that kung fu stuff you were doing yesterday?”

  “No. But I’d like you to promise me that you won’t fall out of the tree again,” he said.

  “Okay.” Then Faith turned, grabbed her backpack and ran from the room.

  Maggie let out a long breath. “When she gets back, I’ll side track her with food. She needs to eat. So if you’ve got things to do, don’t feel obligated to play catch with her.”

  “I want to spend time w
ith her,” he said. “There’s a lot I have to make up for.”

  Maggie shook her head. “There’s nothing to make up for. You said it yourself. It’s nobody’s fault—just cir cum stances.”

  “Still—I want to get to know her.”

  Here we go, Maggie warned herself. The intimacy of sharing a child with him threatened to pull her in again. And she already knew the danger he posed to her heart.

  “And I want you to know her, Jack. But be careful with her. She leads with her emotions and doesn’t hold anything back,” she warned.

  “What does that mean?”

  “She’s easily hurt.” Like mother, like daughter, Maggie thought.

  “I wouldn’t hurt her.”

  “Not deliberately. I didn’t mean to imply that. But cir cum stances being what they are—”

  “Which is?” he all but growled.

  “You’re only here until you can secure title to your grandmother’s house. After that—you’re out of here again. Where does that leave Faith?” And me, she silently added. “She’ll get used to spending time with you, then you’ll be off to the other side of the world dodging suicide bombers.”

  Maggie already knew how much it hurt when Jack Riley left. Now that Faith knew the truth about him, they would spend time together. But Maggie would do everything in her power to minimize their daughter’s broken heart when he went back to his real life.

  “I don’t want Faith hurt when you go away.”

  He rested his hands on his hips and looked down at his boots for several moments. Then he met her gaze. “I’ve given this a lot of thought.”

  “Define ‘this.’”

  “Faith. Me. The whole father/daughter thing.”

  “And?”

  “I plan to resign my commission. I’m staying in Destiny.”

  Stunned, Maggie couldn’t even breathe for several moments. She couldn’t believe what he’d said. Although numb, one thing was crystal clear. Ten years ago she’d protected Jack. After Faith was born, all her energy had gone into protecting her child. Now it was time to protect herself. From him.