Everything's Trash, But It's Okay

by Phoebe Robinson

  Another couple of beats while he continued looking at me. Then he goes, “I can’t believe you were there. You should’ve come over to me and said hi.”

  What. Ze. Fuq?!? But also, he can’t possibly mean that. He’s probably just being nice, like when I’m texting someone I don’t care for and I write, “OMG! Hilarious! I am screaming and laughing so hard right now,” but my face is so frozen that if I turned to the left, Idina Menzel would be chilling in the corner of my bedroom, belting out “Let It Go.” Obviously, I did not say any of this (but I sure as hell thought it) and instead told him it seemed like his night and all his friends and his wife were there and I didn’t want to be a bother.

  “No, no, no,” he continued. “You should have come over. It would’ve been so great to hang out.”

  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Bono wanted to hang out with me?!?! Like real one-on-one time? I couldn’t believe it! I still can’t! But I’m holding out hope he’ll feel that way again and we’ll chill. Perhaps if I grease the wheels a little bit and #BritishBaekoff and I send Bono the Amazon Echo now via next-day delivery, he might hit a sista up?

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  #RealTalk, I’m writing these acknowledgments and I’m not even halfway done writing the book yet. I had a bout of writer’s block and decided to do a victory lap real quick, which is ignorant AF. But is anyone surprised by my ignorance at this point? Didn’t think so. Alrighty, let’s try to get rid of this writer’s block by doling out some thank-yous, and I’m going to try to keep it short and sweet like sex with a Wall Street bro. #GreatStartPheebs. Sorry! I couldn’t help myself. For real, for real, let’s get this party started.

  Da Fam

  Mom & Dad—your support and love is incredible. It’s so easy to walk this world (well, take Lyfts where the driver plays “Despacito” three times in a row) knowing you have my back. Also, after years of me badgering you, you finally agreed to FaceTime me. It has mostly been a mess as you’ve angled the camera at the tops of your heads, your elbows, or your ceiling fans, but it’s the effort that counts. Love you.

  PJ—Since we’re both workaholics, we don’t talk as much as we should, but whenever we hang out, it’s always the best. Thanks for being an amazing big bro, and I love that us going to Cavs games is our new tradition. But for the love of Guy Fieri’s frosted tips, can we please do pregame dining at places besides Wahlburgers? Love you.

  Liz—We have FaceTime, spa days, and concerts. We have such a blast together, and I really wish I could get on board with Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, but I think us meeting in the middle (Game of Thrones) will have to suffice. You always make me laugh. Love you.

  Olivia & Trey—You two are the cutest little nuggets. I’m so happy to be your aunt. Look out for each other and love each other even when you become teenagers. More importantly, your parents and grandparents are doing a hell of a job raising you. I know you’ll hit that age where you’ll be over them, but truly no one will love you better than them. PLUS! They have wiped your butts so many times for so many years whereas I moonwalk out of the room when your diapers start to smell like a landfill. They’re practically Mother Teresa as far as you’re concerned, so treat them like queens and kings, cool?

  Friends

  “. . . How many of us have them? Friends!” Yeah, I think, legally, that’s the most I can quote this song by Whodini without having to pay for it. My friends:

  Ilana Glazer, Karen Asprea, Michelle Buteau, Jamie Lee, Baron Vaughn, Jessica Williams, Amy Aniobi, Abbi Jacobson, Naomi Ekperigin, Nore Davis, Alison Stauver, Josh Sussman, Joanna Solotaroff, Rachel Neel, Tig Notaro, David Lee Nelson, Maeve Higgins, Todd Weiser. You’re all incredible, wonderful, complex, and beautiful people. I’m happy to know you, laugh with you, and we’re lucky to be living our best lives.

  #EverythingsTrash Crew

  Robert Guinsler—As I always tell you, you’re the best literary agent in the biz. I adore you so much. Your encouragement means everything. Your friendship is one I treasure.

  Maya Ziv—It’s been so great having you as my editor and Bitmoji partner. Thanks for allowing me to miss 28,000 deadlines and being totally cool with it. You knew I’d get it all done by the hairs on my yet-to-be lasered chin. Also, if you ever have a financial hardship, your curly hair would make for a nice weave, so remember that!

  Kayleigh, Jason, Jamie, Amanda, and everyone involved with this book—You’ve made what can be an arduous process immensely enjoyable. Thanks for showing up every day and giving 100 percent. I’m a damn lucky broad to have you on my side.

  Professional Team

  Chenoa—Thanks for being my manager and wanting to work with me when most of the industry was treating me like room-temperature shrimp tempura. I appreciate the loyalty and the belief.

  UTA Crew—Mackenzie, Tim, Ali, Natasha, and Heidi. Y’all are dope and legit down for whatever idea I throw your way. I know how rare that is and I ain’t letting you go! You’re stuck with me, so let’s keep on making money together!

  Glam Squad—Katya Sussman, you respect and celebrate my small titties, and I love you so much for that. For real, your taste as a stylist is second to none, you always make me look and feel good, and you have one of the kindest spirits. Delina Medhin, you are a makeup goddess. Thanks for working with me all those years ago when I could barely afford to pay someone to cover up my acne scars. Haha. I’m happy we do all this cool beauty stuff together. Plus, you have the cutest laugh. Nai’vasha Johnson, Nai’vash-vash! You always kill it in the hair department, and you make the most bomb-ass wigs. But besides making me look good, your positive energy is infectious.

  Sechel PR—I love how six seconds after we started working together, you made my career about ten times better. The fact that you are an all-female crew is amazing and inspiring. But the icing on the cake is your fearless leader, Sam Srinivasan. Sam (in my Viola-Davis-from-The-Help voice), you is kind, smart, and important. In all seriousness, you are brave, fearless, funnier than me, and such a hard worker that you make me raise my game.

  Mindy Tucker—I say this every time I see you, but you are the Annie Leibovitz of our generation. You give so much of your heart with each photograph you take. The comedy community is elevated simply because of your presence. Thanks again for another phenomenal book cover.

  Mai—you came in the middle of what seems like a hurricane and became my assistant. And you have kicked major behind. Thank you for making me less of a hot mess. Totes preesh.

  All the people who ever employed me, laughed at a joke, told a friend to check out my work, said a supportive word to me, bought something I’ve created, or even just thought something positive about me: thank you. I’ve been in this biz for ten years, and while it has been challenging, you’ve undoubtedly made this less lonely.

  All the times I failed and all the folks who didn’t hire me: thank you. You’ve not only taught me to be resilient, but you’ve forced me to be smarter, funnier, more business savvy, and to hold myself to a high standard, while also reminding me not to take all this seriously.

  Last but not least, my true boo, #BritishBaekoff. You’ve changed my life. You’re my best friend. I love you.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Phoebe Robinson is a stand-up comedian, actress, and the author of the New York Times bestseller You Can’t Touch My Hair. Most recently, she and Jessica Williams turned their hit WNYC Studios podcast, 2 Dope Queens, into four one-hour HBO specials. Robinson has appeared on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Late Night with Seth Meyers, Conan, Broad City, Search Party, The Daily Show, and the Today show; she was also a staff writer on the final season of Portlandia. When not working in TV, she’s the host of the critically acclaimed WNYC Studios interview podcast Sooo Many White Guys. She recently made her feature film debut in the Netflix comedy Ibiza.

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  * Friends have assured me that I wouldn’t forget there was a tampon in me, but I once forgot to pay my Con Ed bill for three months until the company sent me a “Hey, heaux, the only thing lighting in your apartment will be your white-ass teeth if you don’t pay this bill,” sooo . . .

  * For those not in the know, “free bleeding” is when a lady gets her period and abstains from using any sanitary products, instead saying to herself, “The world is my canvas and my vajeen is Jackson Pollock.”

  * For the uninitiated, a “zaddy” is DILF-y but isn’t necessarily a dad. I’m talking about your Idris Elbas (a dad), your Chris Pines (not a dad), your Jason Momoas (a dad), your Kit Haringtons (not a dad), and so on. Okay, now that I write this out, I see that a “zaddy” is basically any guy over thirty who’s hot. And we already have a term for that: “hot.” But my hunch is “zaddy” came about because there are folks, myself included, who don’t like calling men “Daddy” in a sexual manner, so a “z” was slapped on as a replacement to make things better, kind of like when Michelle Williams replaced LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett in Destiny’s Child or the creation of Smartfood Delight, which is allegedly a healthier version of Smartfood popcorn that somehow tastes just as good. #LolForever #FakeNews

  * Yes, “woke” is omnipresent thanks to exemplary people such as Black Lives Matter and LGBTQIA+ activists working to make the world better, but there’s a subset of wokeness that’s not talked about as much—“diet woke.” A d-dubs person is usually #TeamDoGooder in the sheets (thanks, social media warriors) and #TeamThisIsGonnaInconvenienceALittleBit #HmmLemmeGetBackToYou in the streets. Sometimes this dichotomy exists because people are simply getting through the day or they’re multilayered and live in contradictory ways or they’re lazy AF, like I can be sometimes. For instance, I’m anti-misogyny, but that hasn’t stopped me in the past from basically busting out a rhythmic gymnastics routine complete with ribbon work when Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’” comes on.

  * For non-Hollywood peeps, “tech avail” describes an actor/director/writer/etc. who would do a project if nothing more appealing comes through. I now apply this phrase to all facets of my life. Want to have brunch with a bunch of married couples at 11:45 A.M. aka early-as-fuck o’clock? Tech avail. In Pilates class when the instructor wants me to do eight more seconds of the Hundred? Tech avail. When checking out the $600 worth of clothes I have in my shopping cart on FreePeople.com, which is full of things I don’t need, and the website asks if I can pay the balance in full? I’m tech avail if U2 tickets don’t go on sale on Ticketmaster on Friday.

  * I would race home from class to watch Queen O, and one of the episodes that stuck with me is from 2005, when Tom Cruise repeatedly jumped on Oprah’s couch and shook her and punched the floor and air, all to express his “love” for Katie Holmes. And we all kind of lol’d and were like, “He’s an actor, so he’s just being over the top,” and then six months later, Tom Cruise continued doing the most and we were all like that GIF of Homer Simpson disappearing into that green hedge due to secondhand embarrassment. Well, I was a virgin at the time and thought to myself, If this is what sex on the regs does to people, I think I’m okay with my vajeen being vacuum-sealed for life like a package of Sahale Snacks Honey Almonds Glazed Mix.

  * I understand that for plenty of women being a size 12, 14, 16, and higher is not a new-normal kind of sitch for them, but an ongoing reality. But I’m now going to be writing from the experience of someone who started out their adult life as a size 0 and now waffles between a 10 and a 12. And no matter what size you are, I think we can all agree that if you’ve put on weight without necessarily clocking how much until the wear and tear of your thighs rubbing together has ruined your third pair of pants, then, in the moment, that shit can feel like a “Holy crap, e does = mc2” discovery. #DisrespectfulToAlbertEinstein.

  * Can we talk about the Coppertone girl for a sec? In case you don’t know, Coppertone is a very popular sunscreen, and the company’s signature image is, on a scale of 1 (waving at someone who was waving at the person behind you) to 10 (Saved by the Bell’s Screech awkwardly losing his virginity at AARP age), this uncomfortable mess was a 27, so buckle up! A’ight, so the image was of a dog pulling a little girl’s swim trunks down with its teeth—great start—until most of her butt was exposed (because when you’re drowning, why not tie bricks to your feet to ensure you’ll end up in Sebastian the Crab’s living room?), and the little girl didn’t look horrified, like a child probably would. Instead she served us a coy face, as if to say, “Who, me? Whoopsies,” like she was Marilyn Monroe getting ready to launch into a sultry rendition of “Happy Birthday” to JFK. To make matters worse, that “sexy baby” picture of her was used for decades with no objections. Raise of hands if this information makes you wanna disinvite humanity from the rest of your life.

  * Btdubs, entering rooms and cussing people out in my seventies is the new “get summer-bikini-body ready” for me. Just like getting in shape for swimsuit seas, I will spend the rest of my life woefully not preparing for it and then two weeks before my seventieth birthday, someone will eat the last of my applesauce and I’ll naturally just drop f-bombs and somehow be ready.

  * “Whitelash” was coined by CNN commentator and host Van Jones on Election Night. It means that when there is significant racial progress, it is followed by a white backlash, hence “whitelash.”

  * Lmao. You are correct if you assumed that was the most ignorant way to say that Benjamin Franklin was one of the writers of the Declaration of Independence.

  * It should go without saying that I, of course, don’t mean all white people. I’m just using the collective caucusity of America because I’m not in the mood to bust out an H&R Block printing calculator and do some mathematicals to figure out the exact number of white peeps who are speechless when it comes to racism. All that matters is that the amount of WP who remain silent, even if it is one person, is one too many, so I have to address e’rybody. Cool? Cool.

  * Do any young people know what the hell I’m referring to? That show came out when I was seven years old and I watched it on the regs. And I can’t even use the excuse that I was really watching the show because I was into JTT aka Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Not. At. All. I was legit like, “Yaaas, bring on Wilson and his goofy-ass bucket hats.” Who, at seven, is only showing up for Wilson? Y’all, I swear that on the inside, I’m a seventy-year-old with osteoporo-ro aka osteoporosis, rocking Patti LaBelle–themed compression socks and talking about how Jackie Robinson tried to holla at me when I was young.

  * For example, the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment in 1870, which allowed men of all races the right to vote, did not please some in the suffragette movement. Like Anna Howard Shaw, the president of the National American Woman Suffrage Association, who said, “You have put the ballot in the hands of your black men, thus making them political superiors of white women. Never before in the history of the world have men made former slaves the political masters of their former mistresses!” Then the gloves were off and white suffragists made sure to push for the white woman’s right to vote while purposefully not fighting for the voting rights of women of color.

  * According to Business Insider, white women make 79 percent of what white men do, black women earn 63 percent, and Latina women just 54 percent.

  * “Blerd” stands for “black nerd.”

  * Y’all, when I typed that colon, I was certain I was going to drop an amazing, instantly iconic Judge Judy–ism, like her classic, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Turns out, that’s the kind of nugget you drop when you go to law school, become a judge, practice your craft for decades, and wear fashionable doilies. However, when you are me, you settle for pulling a semicoherent analogy out of thin air the way I pull a sweater
out of a pile of clothes, do the sniff test, shrug my shoulders, and put it on.

  * In case ya don’t know, CeCe Peniston is an R&B/dance music legend, and I blast her music a lot. See?! I don’t just listen to Dad Rock . . . and no, you can’t look at my iTunes account to see what’s in there. You’ll just have to take me at my word.

  * Wish I had the kind of brain that could retain quotes like this, but thanks to the internet, I don’t have to. Leah Fessler attended this conversation and wrote about it in an article called, “Gloria Steinem Says Black Women Have Always Been More Feminist than White Women,” for Quartz, which is where the quote comes from.

  * Do you really think those who have the luxury of venting on the regs are walking around with a leftover Craftsman tool kit from a Father’s Day sale? Hell no! We’re gonna put our grievances in a fancy leather bag with this directive inside: “In case of my death, send to the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey because they will (1) know how to drag out these problems for years, (2) pepper the complaints with the appropriate amount of f-bombs, and (3) sprinkle in a few disingenuous ‘sending you love and lights’ to taste.”