by Sue Brown
“I need to find out who I really am,” Sam said.
“You’re a tea-drinking, twenty-three-year-old, non-serial killer. We know that much.” Gabriel aimed for levity, but from Sam’s clouded expression, he missed by a mile. Sam’s next words confirmed it.
“And someone tried to kill me.”
Gabriel frowned and chewed on his bottom lip. “You think that’s real? Not just a nightmare?”
Sam shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. “If it’s just a nightmare, why do I keep having the same one over and over?”
“I don’t know,” Gabriel admitted. “That’s why we need to find out more about you.”
“If people are trying to kill me, I’m not sure I want to be found.”
He looked scared, and Gabriel longed to erase that expression by taking him in his arms. But he couldn’t. Not yet. He didn’t want the comforting gesture to be misinterpreted when he’d just rejected Sam’s kiss.
“You have a home with me as long as you want,” he assured Sam.
Sam shook his head. “I can’t stay here forever. We won’t know anything until we find out who I am. Call the police. Let’s see if anyone has reported me missing.”
“Are you sure?” Gabriel asked.
“I’m sure.”
Gabriel nodded and opened the cottage door. His cell phone was on the coffee table. “I’ll call 101.”
Sam raised an eyebrow. “You don’t think a missing person is an emergency?”
“You were an emergency,” Gabriel agreed. “Now that you’re safe, I’ve downgraded you to a routine case.” He kept his tone light, but he was aware they were circling each other, their voices flat as they discussed the situation. He pressed his lips together firmly. First, he needed to find out who Sam was.
“THAT WAS… anticlimactic,” Sam observed fifteen minutes later, as they sat on the rock on the clifftop again, both of them nursing hot drinks. By mutual consent they had retreated back outside. In public there was less chance of the electric moments between them which were becoming all too frequent. Gabriel looked down in his mug and swirled the cooling liquid. He had drunk more coffee since Sam had arrived than he had in the previous month. He was going to have to go shopping soon to replenish his stores.
“They’re busy,” he said, aware it was lame.
Sam was right. It had been so routine. Gabriel had given the information to a woman, and Sam had assured her he was okay and not being held against his will. He tried not to snicker at Gabriel’s loud snort, and they promised to send a police officer when the village was accessible again. The call was over, and Gabriel suggested they take a drink out to the clifftop. Sam had looked so lost, and he just wanted to take him in his arms, but that way lay danger. Better to put emotional distance between them.
Sam frowned as he stared out to sea.
“What are you thinking?” Gabriel asked hesitantly.
Sam took a long while to answer, but eventually he sighed. “I don’t know how I feel about the fact no one has reported me missing. Does no one give a fuck about me enough to even make a report to the police?”
“You don’t know your real name,” Gabriel said, “or where you lived, or anything to give the police something to match. Give it time.”
“How much time?” Sam snarled. “I need to know who I am.”
A thought occurred to Gabriel, and he didn’t want to mention it, but he had to, just in case it triggered something in the mists of Sam’s cotton-wool memory.
“I don’t want to upset you, but there might have been someone on the boat. Below decks was flooded, and I didn’t have time to check before the boat sank.”
It had been a close enough call as it was. He didn’t think he’d ever tell Sam just how close they had both come to drowning.
Sam ran his fingers through his long hair and winced as they got caught in tangles. “I hadn’t thought of that. God, does that make me selfish? I didn’t even ask if anyone else was on the boat.”
“You’ve been kind of busy.” Gabriel smiled at him.
Sam didn’t smile back. “I might have had family on the boat.”
Gabriel thought of the gut-wrenching loss in his heart every time he thought of Jenny and Michael. “Do you feel like you’ve lost anyone?”
The silence stretched between them for long moments before Sam answered. Gabriel listened to the screech of the seagulls overhead and the waves breaking on the beach below.
“No. I feel like the boat was meant to be my grave. Whoever put me in the boat wanted me dead.”
“You don’t think it was an accident? You took the boat out and got caught in the storm?”
Sam shook his head. “I’m sure it was deliberate. I don’t know how I know, but I’m sure.”
There was an uneasy roil in the pit of Gabriel’s belly. How could anyone want to kill the vibrant man sitting next to him?
“You’re not going anywhere until I know you’re safe,” he said firmly. Sam said nothing. Gabriel turned to look at him to discover Sam looking down at his mug. “Sam?”
“Sam. I don’t even know if that’s my name. I don’t know anything.”
Sam almost shrieked the last words, and seagulls huddling close by in hopeful anticipation of food took flight, accompanied by outraged squawking.
Gabriel didn’t want to tell him it would take time. He’d heard that over and over from well-meaning people. It would take time to get over Jenny’s and Michael’s deaths, but one day the sun would shine again. He’d wanted to shout at them that they didn’t know what they were talking about. How could they know what it was like to suffer a tragedy like his?
But the sun was shining again, and its rays shone on the man next to him, his copper hair lighting up the world around him.
And that scared Gabriel.
Sam flashed a strained smile at him. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Gabriel said automatically.
“Yeah, there is. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. You’re my anchor. The world might want to kill me, but you’ll keep me safe.”
Panic swept over Gabriel. “I can’t be your anchor.”
He’d been that once and failed. He’d not been there when his family needed him the most, and they’d been swept away by the sea. Gabriel wasn’t strong. Sam couldn’t rely on him to be his rock. What if he failed again?
Gabriel stood, needing to get away from Sam. He’d made a mistake taking care of Sam when he was unconscious. He should have insisted Sam stay at Toby’s house. “I need to go.”
Sam looked up at him. “I’ll be here when you get back.”
No. Sam needed to leave. Gabriel needed his heart—his life—back. He needed to be on his own. But he didn’t say any of that as he strode away. He’d have that conversation later.
Chapter 12—Sam
TEARS PRICKLED Sam’s eyes as he watched Gabriel hurry away from him, and he swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. It was ridiculous to be upset at Gabriel’s shutdown, but he couldn’t help but feel the sting of rejection again.
He caught sight of Gabriel’s mug, abandoned on the rock. It was a good analogy for Sam’s existence. Sam had nothing. No one. Not even a friend to report him missing. He choked back a sob as a couple walked past, hand-in-hand. Their intimate gesture highlighted how alone he was. As soon as they were out of sight, Sam wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Tears weren’t going to help him. He’d made the mistake of thinking Gabriel would be there for him, and Gabriel had offered to keep him safe, but that was just because he was obliged to. He had no choice until he could offload Sam onto the authorities.
Gabriel was a broken man. Sam knew that. He was still mourning the loss of his family, and just because they’d shared a few moments together didn’t mean Sam could ask for anything more. What he wanted and what he could have were two different things. Sam needed to find out who he was and get back to his real life. Gabriel needed more time to grieve, and Sam had to give
him that.
He leaned over the clifftop and saw that Gabriel had reached the beach. Sam watched as Gabriel strode towards the water’s edge, his hands in his pockets and the wind whipping the hair into his face. Gabriel didn’t bother pushing it away, probably knowing it was futile.
Sam wondered how he could bear to be down there, knowing that was where his wife and child had died? Maybe he felt closer to them on the beach. Gabriel paused and turned to look up at the clifftop. He didn’t wave, and Sam didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge him. Gabriel turned his back on Sam.
Sam pressed his lips together, the hurt pricking him again. “Why did I have to meet you now?” he murmured.
Even as he said the words, he knew how ridiculous it was. Gabriel had plucked him out of the sea in the middle of a storm. Would they have met under other circumstances? It was unlikely. A chance meeting with a stranger. One with amnesia and believing someone was trying to kill him. The other still mourning his dead family. It wasn’t a match made in heaven.
“Morning.”
Sam looked up, his hand guarding his eyes and squinting against the sunlight. “Toby.”
Toby stood over him, dressed in a thin, light blue V-neck jumper, dark jeans, and Doc Martens that needed a polish. He eyed Sam, who squirmed under his knowing gaze.
“You look stressed,” Toby said finally.
Sam sighed, knowing Toby saw far too much and wasn’t going to let it go. “Just thinking it’s time I found my way back into the world.”
“What did he say?” Toby sounded resigned, but also worried. Who was he concerned about? Gabriel or Sam?
“What makes you think—?”
“He’s my brother-in-law, Sam. I’ve known him for over a decade. You’re up here, he’s not.”
“I said the wrong thing, and he ran away.”
Sam pointed to the beach where Gabriel stood with his back to them, his dark hair whipping wildly in the wind, his hands shoved in his pockets.
Toby nodded. “He always goes down there to think.”
“Do you ever worry he won’t come back?”
The moment the words hit the air, he wanted to take them back.
“Yes.” Toby’s simple reply tore at Sam’s heart.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
Toby sighed and sat next to Sam. “Budge up.”
Sam wriggled along the rock and gave him space. Toby was silent for a long while before he spoke.
“For the first six months, I expected to walk into the cottage and find it empty. He was determined to be with Jenny and Michael again, and if he didn’t find them alive, then he would join them in death.”
“Yet he’s still here,” Sam said.
Toby looked at him, his expression lost. “For a long while, I thought Gabriel believed Jenny and Michael were still alive.”
Sam didn’t want to ask, but he had to know the answer. “And now?”
“I think,” Toby sighed, “he was looking for a reason to live.”
“What happens if he never finds it?”
Toby gave Sam a pointed look. “What makes you think he hasn’t?”
“He’s not ready for a relationship yet.”
“Did he say that?”
“Kind of.” Sam was shocked to see a grin appear on Toby’s face. “What?”
“Do you realise what you just told me?”
“Uh…?”
“Gabriel is thinking about a relationship. Sam, he’s barely spoken a word to anyone since they died, and now you’re all he can think about.”
“I think you’re jumping fences here.”
“Am I?” Toby challenged.
“Yeah, you are. For Chrissake, we met three days ago.” Sam felt the anger rising inside him. “I don’t even know who I am.”
“He saved your life three days ago, and that’s just temporary.”
“I might be married,” Sam protested.
“And now we come to the heart of the problem. Let me guess, you made a pass, and he said no.”
Sam felt his cheeks burning. “Something like that.”
“Gabriel wouldn’t go near you if he thought you were with someone else.”
“So he says. Problem is, I don’t know if I am.”
Toby eyed him speculatively. “We need to find out who you are.”
Sam held back the well duh on his lips. “What do you suggest?”
His fear, although he hadn’t said it out loud, was that he’d never get his memory back. Toby had assured him it would come back in time. The head trauma hadn’t been that severe.
“We could drop you on your head. You might get your memory back.” Toby gave him a vicious grin.
Sam rolled his eyes. “Did they talk to you about your bedside manner when you were training to be a doctor?”
Toby waved his hand. “I skipped that class.”
“It shows,” Sam said dryly. “What happens if I never get my memory back?”
“Don’t start jumping fences, young man. First, you get an X-ray and a CAT scan. Then we find out what’s going on with your noggin. Are you still getting bad dreams?”
Sam had been expecting him to say headaches and stumbled over his response. “No… yes.”
“Which is it?” Toby asked.
“Yes,” Sam admitted. “Every time I go to sleep.” He’d started to dread closing his eyes, because the same dream happened over and over.
Toby didn’t seem surprised. “Have you talked about it to Gabriel?”
“He’s the one who wakes me up.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Sam shook his head. “Not really. He has to calm me down, and by that time, the last thing I feel like doing is talking about the dream.” He wrapped his arms around himself as though he were trying to ward off the nightmare that haunted him.
“Have you tried hypnosis?”
“In the last three days?”
Toby frowned and then realised what he’d said. “You’re not going to remember, are you?”
“Do you think it would help me to remember the dream or who I am?”
“Your memory will return. It’s already started to give you pieces of your life.”
“By telling me someone is trying to kill me?” Sam could think of better things to remember.
“I think your brain warning you of potential danger is a damn good thing.”
Sam watched Gabriel as he paced along the cove. He hadn’t looked up once since that first time. “I should leave him,” he murmured. “It’s not fair to put him in danger.”
Toby followed his gaze. “Gabriel would never flinch from danger. You couldn’t be in safer hands.”
“He doesn’t want me here,” Sam said, feeling the truth of that statement like a blow to the heart.
“If he didn’t want you here, he’d have thrown you out after the first night. You’ve been good for him. He hasn’t laughed since the day Jenny vanished. Not a single smile. But you’ve made him feel, and he’s running scared. This—” Toby pointed to Gabriel. “This is just Gabriel panicking about the new emotions inside him. He’s wrapped himself in his loss for so long he can’t cope.”
“I can’t replace his family.”
“No, you can’t,” Toby said brusquely, “and I’m not expecting you to.”
Sam shot him a knowing look. “No? Because I get the opposite impression from the way you’re pushing us together.”
Toby sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I’d like to see Gabriel happy again.”
“What about you?”
Toby frowned. “What about me? I’m happy.”
“Are you?” Sam asked.
“I’m happily married. I’ve got a great job. Why wouldn’t I be happy?” Toby looked genuinely confused.
“And you spend all your time making sure Gabriel doesn’t jump off the cliff.”
Sam hated the way Toby flinched, but he wanted it out in the open. He needed to know Toby was coming from a place of love and not just offload
ing the problem in his life to Sam.
Toby’s expression darkened. “I will spend the rest of my life taking care of Gabriel if necessary. You’ll leave in a couple of days. I’ll still be here.”
“What about Damien?”
“What about him?” Toby snapped, his fists clenching.
Sam hadn’t intended to make Toby so angry. He just wanted to clear the air between them. An elderly man with a backpack looked over at Toby’s raised voice. Toby subsided back onto the rock.
“He thinks I coddle Gabriel,” Toby admitted. “He thinks I need to let Gabriel move on with his life.”
Sam hummed, not wanting to provoke Toby further.
Toby’s sigh was resigned. “You think he’s right, don’t you?”
This was one of those trap questions. Whatever Sam said would be wrong. He hunted for the words that would convey what he meant without hurting Toby.
“I think without you, Gabriel would probably not be here now,” he admitted. “I’ve never met anyone so lost and deep in grief.”
“How do you know?”
Toby was teasing, but he had a point. How did Sam know? He turned to see Gabriel making his way back to the stairs.
“I feel it inside.” Sam touched his heart.
“You like him, don’t you?” Toby asked softly.
Sam decided not to prevaricate. “I do.”
“Then we need to find out who you are.”
“What if I am with someone?”
“Then you’ll know, and you’ll go back to your man, and Gabriel will start again.”
“You really need to work on that bedside manner,” Sam said wryly.
Toby shrugged. “Get used to it.”
Sam drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Leaving Gabriel made him feel sick. No matter what Gabriel said, he was the only anchor Sam had. There was no one else Sam could rely on, except maybe Toby.
Gabriel emerged at the clifftop and walked over to them. He glowered at Toby. “Why are you here?”
“Seeing my patient.” Toby pointed at Sam, and Gabriel seemed to relax.
“He’s fine,” Gabriel said.
“So he says.”
Sam waved at them. “Hi. I’m here.”
