by Lucy King
Not usually nauseous though, but then seeing as she’d been on something of an emotional roller coaster ever since she’d met Dan, and hadn’t eaten all day in anticipation of this evening’s feast, perhaps nausea was only to be expected.
Or was it something else?
Zoe stopped dead, right there in the middle of the street with people streaming round her on their way home, the bottom falling out of her stomach and the world around her going fuzzy.
Hang on.
She and Dan had been sleeping with each other, for what, a month now, and she hadn’t had a period. Over a month, actually, she thought, her heart hammering and her head pounding as she calculated the dates.
She was late. Way late. Which didn’t look good.
Oh, God.
A film of sweat broke out all over her body and her clothes suddenly felt tight, constricting. Her head swam and her legs went all weak and shaky because a pregnancy had never featured in any part of her plan to have fun. She didn’t think it featured anywhere in Dan’s either, although they’d never talked about stuff like that. Hell, they barely talked about their plans beyond a week in advance, but a man who generally didn’t proceed beyond three dates wasn’t likely to welcome the lifetime commitment of a child.
What she and Dan were having was nothing more than a fling. He’d never indicated that he was interested in anything else and now she came to think about it every time he’d told her something personal he’d subtly managed to work in a reference to the confidentiality agreement she’d signed. He clearly kept it at the forefront of his mind, whether consciously or subconsciously, and whatever way she looked at it the fact was it wasn’t a sign of someone who was about to throw himself into a full-blown strings-and-everything relationship. Nor was the fact she hadn’t met any of his family or friends and he hadn’t expressed any interest in meeting hers.
So if she was pregnant then what would she do? Would she get rid of it? Would she keep it? If she did keep it then how would she cope when she wasn’t sure she even liked children? Financially, she was fine of course, but emotionally, well, who knew where she was with that?
And God, what if the press were to find out? she thought, beginning to hyperventilate as random thoughts whipped round her head. They’d have a field day and Dan would be furious and he’d think she’d done it on purpose to trap him or something and it would all be her fault, even though of course it wasn’t, and—
Telling herself she had to calm down before she passed out on the pavement, Zoe drew in a deep steadying breath and then let it out as slowly as she could.
She had to stop and think about this logically and rationally because maybe, on the other hand, there wasn’t anything to worry about. She’d never been all that regular, and, what with the stress of work lately and the high she’d been riding with Dan, perhaps her cycle was merely struggling to cope. And they had been so very careful.
Either way, she thought, summoning strength to her limbs and changing course for the pharmacy across the road, the minute she got home she’d better do a test because she wasn’t sure she could cope with the uncertainty.
Half an hour later, Zoe was sitting on the edge of the bath at home, staring at the test, and as only one little line showed up and relief flooded through her she thought, Well, thank God for that.
* * *
How he’d ever thought three dates with Zoe would be enough he’d never know, thought Dan, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the soft sounds of her breathing next to him.
He’d enjoyed these past few weeks far more than he’d ever imagined, and to his amazement he was going to miss her while he was away because so far things had been going pretty much perfectly.
Quite apart from their explosive compatibility in bed, he enjoyed her company out of it too. She was intelligent—way more intelligent than he was, he’d discovered when he’d once jokingly asked her what her IQ was—and funny, usually unintentionally.
As they’d talked he’d found her increasingly fascinating. The contrast between her uber-confident professional side and her less confident personal side was intriguing and something he was, oddly enough, enjoying dissecting.
He was beginning to realise that Zoe was different from the women he generally came across. She didn’t cling and she didn’t demand, and refreshingly she seemed perfectly happy with the way things were going.
She might roll her eyes whenever he casually dropped the confidentiality agreement into conversation but she hadn’t once asked him to tear it up, and, even though he’d never implemented it before so he didn’t have anyone to compare her with, he suspected that not everyone would have agreed to sign such a thing without some kind of complaint or a condition perhaps that they revise it at a later date.
So Zoe was pretty much everything he wanted in a woman, and that was undoubtedly why even though he was only going for a week the idea of coming back to her was surprisingly reassuring.
Now that he thought about it, actually, he wouldn’t mind if she were always there when he came back from somewhere. For a while longer, at least.
Contrary to popular belief he’d never had a problem with the concept of commitment. Despite his parents’ disaster of a marriage and nightmare of a divorce he didn’t even have much of a problem with marriage either, at least not in the abstract. It was just that it seemed to him that commitment required trust, and, as his ability to do that had been well and truly shot to pieces by first Natalie, finally Jasmine and quite a few other women in between, it wasn’t an issue that had ever cropped up.
But maybe things were changing. Maybe he was changing, because lately he’d been thinking he wouldn’t really mind if Zoe’s wash bag were to appear in his bathroom. He wouldn’t mind leaving a toothbrush in hers.
Dan rubbed a hand over his face and frowned into the darkness as he wondered what it meant. Was he falling for her? It didn’t seem beyond the realms of possibility, but if he was then what was he going to do about it? Love, if it should ever come to that, hadn’t exactly worked out well for him the last time he’d tried it. In fact it had worked out abysmally. When his relationship with Natalie had imploded he’d gone so completely off the rails that he’d narrowly avoided jail and he wasn’t exactly keen for it to happen again.
As his mouth filled with a sudden bitter taste Dan eased himself off the bed and crept into the en suite bathroom in search of water.
He reached for a glass. He turned on the tap, filled the glass and looked up.
And then he saw it. The pregnancy test box, sitting there on the shelf, and everything around it faded away and all thoughts of how he might or might not feel about Zoe and what he would or wouldn’t do about it shot clean from his head.
With his heart thumping even harder and his fingers trembling even more he put down the glass and picked up the box. Gave it a shake. It was empty. He glanced down at the bin and now a trickle of sweat began to make its way down his spine. He lifted the lid gingerly. Closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then looked. But that was empty too.
And then his head began to pound as questions suddenly started flying around inside. Was she or wasn’t she? Now he thought about it she hadn’t had her period since she’d known him, and that had been, what, five weeks? That didn’t sound good. So if she was, how would he feel about it? If she wasn’t, how would he feel? When had she done the test? When was she planning on telling him? Was she planning on telling him?
Despite the warm cosiness of the bathroom Dan went ice-cold as memories of another time, another woman, another pregnancy slammed into his head. As his knees threatened to give way he planted both hands on the edge of the basin tightly.
On some dim and distant level he knew he wasn’t thinking about this rationally, that things were different this time, that Zoe wasn’t Natalie and he wasn’t twenty-five, but this awareness was slipping further and
further away with every second that the feeling he’d lost his grip on something he’d thought he could control intensified.
His head went fuzzy and his vision blurred and he thought he might be about to pass out.
And that brought him up sharp. Taking a deep shuddery breath, Dan gave himself a shake and pulled himself together. He shook his head and straightened. Shoved his hands through his hair and drank that glass of water and then he felt slightly better.
But the questions and the memories were still ricocheting round his head, making him feel weak. He needed perspective. He needed time and he needed space to work things out and tomorrow wasn’t soon enough. He need it all right now.
Almost stumbling back into the bedroom, Dan picked up his clothes and somehow managed to get them on.
‘What are you doing?’ Zoe murmured sleepily and then stretched, and he gritted his teeth against the sudden fierce temptation to climb back into bed with her and postpone thinking about it all until tomorrow.
‘I have to go,’ he muttered.
She rubbed her eyes and pushed a hand through her hair. ‘Now?’
‘Early flight.’
‘I thought you weren’t leaving until the evening.’
‘Change of plan.’
‘Oh, OK,’ she said with a slow sexy smile that only made him more confused. ‘Have a good trip.’
* * *
Right. That was it. Zoe had had enough.
Dan had been back from the States for a week, but he might as well have stayed there because while physically he’d returned he certainly wasn’t here in spirit. Ever since he’d got back he’d been distant and cool, and it was as perplexing as it was frustrating.
Especially when she’d spent that entire week missing him so much. Her period had arrived the day after she’d done the test, as if doing it had given it permission or something, and so not only had she had to deal with missing him, she’d also had to put up with cramps and moodiness. The only thing that had kept her going had been the thought she’d soon be seeing him, and she’d been so looking forward to it.
But although she and Dan had caught up a few times since he’d been back, every single moment she’d spent with him she’d had the feeling that something wasn’t quite right.
From time to time she’d look at him and find him watching her, his eyes dark and inscrutable, his face unreadable. She’d had the disturbing feeling he was assessing her. Evaluating her every move, from what she ate and drank to the way she spoke and behaved. And waiting, although for what she had no idea.
It was weird. It was more than weird, actually, she thought, following him into his house and mentally revisiting the dinner out that they’d just had, which had been a strangely uncomfortable and stressful couple of hours. He’d been so odd and aloof this evening that she knew she’d wildly overcompensated, laughing a little too loudly, smiling a little too brightly and talking a little too fast.
His attitude was horrible, and made her feel on edge and confused. Whatever it was that was bothering him she wanted to know, because frankly she’d had enough of it. So what if it meant conflict? So what if it meant awkwardness? She had to do something.
* * *
Dan wasn’t sure how much more of this awful waiting—and hoping—he could take. Dinner earlier had been hellish. Zoe had been chatting and laughing and talking about God knew what and all he’d been able to think was, should she be drinking that gimlet? Should she be eating those prawns?
He was clinging onto his sanity and his control by his fingertips and it was agony. His perspective was no clearer than it had been the night everything had begun to implode. If anything, it was even more clouded, and now he was struggling to see the wood for the trees.
The last couple of weeks had been tough, and not just because he’d had a hectic week in America and then crippling jet lag. He’d tried to keep reminding himself what he’d told himself in the bathroom: that Zoe wasn’t Natalie and that if there was anything to tell she’d tell him. But it kept being drowned out by the thought, the fear, that history could well be repeating itself, and he didn’t know how to handle any of it.
‘Dan?’ said Zoe, and at the cool firm note in her voice he turned around.
‘What?’
‘We need to talk.’
Thank God. Finally. ‘You’re right,’ he said, as the thought that everything might turn out OK after all entered his head. ‘We do.’
‘I’m glad you think so.’
‘Shall we sit down?’
‘I think we might need to.’
They walked into the kitchen where Dan pulled out a chair for Zoe to sit down and then took the one opposite. For a moment they just stared at each other as if waiting for the other to start, and then he couldn’t stand the tension any longer. ‘Well?’ he said sharply.
Zoe blinked in surprise. ‘Well what?’
‘Are you or aren’t you?’
She looked at him as if she didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. ‘Am I or am I not what?’
‘Pregnant.’
There was a pause, and then an astonished, ‘What?’
‘You heard. Are you pregnant or not? Don’t look so shocked,’ he added coolly. ‘I saw the box.’
‘When?’
‘Two weeks ago. The night before I left for the States.’
‘And you’ve waited all this time before saying anything?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘I thought you’d tell me in time. But you didn’t.’
‘Why didn’t you just ask when you found it?’
Bloody good question, and one he couldn’t—didn’t want to, perhaps—answer. ‘I’m asking now.’
‘Well, don’t worry, I’m not pregnant,’ she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘There’s no baby.’
Another woman, another time, but exactly the same words said in exactly the same way and something inside him went very cold. ‘There’s isn’t now or there never was?’
‘There never was.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course I’m sure. I was late. I thought it wise to do a test. But the day you left for the States I got my period.’
‘Thank God.’ The relief was staggering, although whether it was relief that she wasn’t pregnant or relief that she hadn’t been lying to him he didn’t know.
Zoe frowned. ‘What’s this all about, Dan?’
‘I’m sorry. I thought...’ He shook his head then pushed a hand through his hair and gave a tight humourless laugh. ‘Well, you don’t want to know what I thought.’
‘Actually,’ she said, folding her arms across her chest and looking at him so steadily that he knew she wasn’t going to let him get away without explaining, ‘I do.’
* * *
As the clock ticked loudly in the ensuing silence Dan sat brooding and unresponsive for such a long time that Zoe was beginning to think he wasn’t going to tell her what he’d been thinking or what was going on. By now, though, she was desperate to know because the conversation had taken an unexpected twist and she wasn’t sure how she’d respond if he shrugged and told her it was ‘nothing’.
But then he nodded as if internally agreeing to something and said, ‘A while ago I went out with someone.’
‘Jasmine?’
‘Before that,’ he said, his voice eerily flat. ‘Way before that. Eight years ago when I was in my mid-twenties.’
‘What happened?’
‘She got pregnant.’
As there wasn’t any sign of a small child running around, Zoe braced herself. ‘And?’
‘She had an abortion.’
‘Oh.’ She didn’t really know what else to say to that. ‘Why?’
‘A baby didn’t fit in with he
r career plan.’
The bitterness in his voice told her he hadn’t agreed, but Zoe didn’t feel she was either qualified or had the right to judge his ex-girlfriend’s actions. ‘It happens,’ she said.
‘I know.’ He paused, frowned, and when he looked up at her his eyes were so expressionless, so empty, that her chest ached. ‘But you’d think she might have bothered to discuss it with me first.’
‘Didn’t she?’
‘No,’ he said bleakly. ‘She found out the day after she got a major breakthrough modelling contract she’d been after for ages. I was away on business for a few days, and she didn’t bother to wait until I got back because as far as she was concerned there wasn’t any discussion to be had.’
‘Oh.’
OK, so she didn’t know the full story and maybe, just maybe, she was a bit biased in Dan’s favour, but surely that wasn’t right. Surely if they’d been together at the time, it was a decision that both of them should have been involved in.
‘Did you want it?’ she asked.
‘Funnily enough, I did.’
Then it had hurt him deeply, and she found she was hurting for him. ‘But what’s that got to do with me?’ she asked, a bit bemused about why any of this mattered now. ‘And what’s it got to do with the offish way you’ve been recently?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t really know.’
All of a sudden, he looked confused and troubled, his eyes filling with uncertainty and doubt. And something else...
Frowning slightly, Zoe leaned forwards and looked a little closer. What was that? Regret? Shame? Guilt?
‘Wait a moment,’ she said, her brain sifting through all the disparate strands whipping through it and tying them into a vague kind of plait. ‘Have the last two weeks been some kind of test?’
His gaze snapped to hers. ‘Of course not.’
‘They have, haven’t they?’ she breathed, not entirely sure what to do with the knowledge.
‘Don’t be absurd.’
‘Well, why didn’t you just ask me when you found the box, then?’ she asked as the memory of him dodging the question the first time she asked came back, and all his weird behaviour she’d mulled over during the last week slowly slipped into place. ‘That’s why I’ve been on the receiving end of all those watchful glances and all those assessing looks, isn’t it?’ She shook her head in disbelief as it all became clear. ‘You know, I had the feeling you were waiting for something, and you were, weren’t you? You were waiting for me to show what you perceive to be my true colours.’
