MBA - Moron$ Ba$ and A$ PG Version

by Jeff Blackwell

  Chapter Seventeen

  Communication Breakdown

  I can’t say that Earl was overjoyed by the news. And neither was Victoria. Yes, Victoria still worked at the plant. She remained hot even though she had achieved AARP membership eligibility status. She had cut back to three days a week and functioned primarily as our receptionist. Earl had taken over all the accounting and procurement responsibilities.

  “Mick, sweetheart, Earl and I don’t really need any help. We seem to be doing just fine on our own. I don’t think Earl is gonna cotton to this idea very well. Can you tell him on my day off?”

  I wasn’t quite sure what “cotton to” meant. If it was anything like “hate with a fiery passion,” then Victoria was one hundred percent correct. I fudged a bit and told Earl that same day instead of waiting for Victoria’s next day off. I surely didn’t want him to hear it through the ever rapid and rumbling office grapevine. Especially since Elwood was slated to show up the next day. And Earl may be less likely to kill me with Victoria as a witness.

  “Jesus on a jelly roll! Why in the Sam’s Club would we be doing something like that? I don’t have the time to teach some snot eared wet behind his nose young whipper punk how to count the alphabet on his toes. I got real work to do.”

  “Earl, my buddy, my pal, I’m pretty sure those are the exact same words you used twenty plus years ago when you found out I was joining the company. You may be insane but at least you are delightfully consistently insane.”

  “Ah, Mick, things are going pretty well around here. Why do we need some frigging NBAer? It’s not like this is Merrill Lynched.

  “It’s MBA not NBA, Earl. I don’t think the dude is that tall. This sounds like it is primarily some screwy idea The Shareholder’s had. So, it’s not like we have a choice. Besides, if we don’t bring him in, you are going to be asked to do Power Point financial reviews again.”

  “Anything but that, Mick. When does he start?”

  Turns out, as promised, he started the next morning. I got to my office at my regular eight a.m. out of the gate starting time. I opened my door while simultaneously trying to juggle a skinny latte, my Lean Cuisine lunch entrée and my trusty laptop. In addition, I was attempting to steal a sneak peek at Victoria’s cleavage which was generating its own gravity. The two pairs of eyes staring at me from one of my office chairs gave me an unexpected scare. I saved the latte but the laptop and Lean Cuisine went crashing to the floor. I think I might have mixed my carrots and apple crisp with my bits and bytes. I may have also peed myself just a little bit.

  “What the heck? Oh, man. You must be Elwood. You gave me quite a start.”

  It was actually only one pair of eyes. The round wire-framed inch thick glasses just made it seem like Elwood had four eyes. He picked his one hundred forty pound frame out of the chair in front of my desk, rose up to his full five foot nine height, smoothed his wool suit and patted down his yellow and red stripped tie. For all the world, he looked like he should be named Elwood and that he should be an MBA. On second thought, maybe he looked more like a thirteen year old at his Bar Mitzvah.

  “Mr. Giardino told me to wait here for you,” Elwood softly related in a two octave above soprano voice.

  “Ok, I owe him one. Why don’t you sit back down and tell me about yourself as I get settled.”

  “My name is Elwood. I’m recently graduated from the University of Chicago with an undergrad in Accounting and a Master’s of Business Administration. I’m here to help you cut costs and make your business more efficient, competitive and profitable.”

  “Hang on there a minute, Elwood. I haven’t had my first sip of overpriced Jo yet and you are already reshaping our company? Why don’t we start with a bit about your non-educational background? Things like your trip coming here, your family, hobbies, favorite color, etc.”

  “Sir, I would rather not. I am here for business purposes and would like to stick solely to that.”

  “First of all, you can call me Mick. No need to call me sir, although Sir Mick does have a nice ring to it.”

  Crickets and a blank stare through those Coke bottle lenses.

  I don’t dissuade easily. “Come to think of it, wasn’t Mick Jagger knighted in 2003 by the Prince of Wales?”

  “Sir, I don’t have any idea what you are talking about.”

  Oh My God! Dagger to the heart! This was going to be a barrel of laughs.

  “I would be interested in hearing about your receivable days outstanding and your debt to equity ratio.”

  “OOOOOkayyyy…well, I have had some pretty outstanding days but I think you might be a little too young to hear about them.”

  Nothing. Is this microphone on?

  “Actually, you are probably better off asking Earl about those things when you meet with him (if you live through it!). I’m more about how the plant operates and the products we produce.”

  “I am interested into delving into your governance model and understanding how you maximize your competitive advantages in a highly leveraged tightening marketplace.”

  Was this guy talking English? “Right. Let’s start with what we do and why we do it well. I’ll make this short and sweet to keep from boring you and, more importantly, from boring myself.”

  Not even a slight grin.

  “As I’m sure you know, we make coatings for electronic components. The key to this industry is to achieve the right balance of insulating properties and size and heat dissipation. We were fortunate to have savvy investors that realized some twenty-five years ago electronics were going to keep getting smaller and smaller and more and more powerful. Casings and coatings for those electronics were going to have to follow suit. Kind of like playing bridge.”

  Not a blink. Zero. Just that creepy dead eyed look.

  “To make a consistent cost effective efficient coating that could dissipate heat, be flexible enough to be applied in very small areas and have proper insulating properties was, and for others still is, very problematic for our industry. Woodland has developed a way to do this using specialty raw materials and a highly secretive process. If I told you too much about it, I’d have to have you killed.”

  Not a flinch. This dude must have had Valium Cheerios for breakfast.

  “We are the only ones that know how to do this. While we make more generic coatings like our competitors, this selective coating gives us a tremendous advantage in the marketplace. We call this product X-400. We guard the formulation and process for X-400 very closely. I mean we’re talking hot shave with a straight razor closely.”

  Bad analogy. From the looks of Elwood, he might not be shaving yet.

  “In fact, no one here knows the entire X-400 process or formulation. Our Leadership team is known as ‘The Circle.’ There are five of us. Each of us knows a piece of the process. That knowledge is documented in individual safety deposit boxes that can only be opened by the others upon an individual member’s death, retirement or if they became mentally incapacitated. Some may claim I am already the latter.”

  Why do I even try?

  “Are you following me, Elwood?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  That sounded like a strangely familiar response.

  “There are five critical components needed for successful X-400 production. It is a temperamental product. Get one thing wrong and you can plug up your whole plant. Worst case scenario, you can blow it sky high. And that is not good for the bottom line.”

  Nada. It was hard to tell if he was even breathing.

  I ticked the five key components off on my fingers (and thumb):

  Raw Material Mix

  Temperature and Pressure

  Production Volume and Mix Time

  Run Time

  Start Up Sequence

  “These can all vary depending on the time of year and atmospheric conditions. For example, I input the temperature and pressure components in the reactors at the be
ginning of each X-400 batch run. I set them myself in a control room based on a very precise formula and weather data. It’s something we do at least once a quarter and I have to be here to do it. Richard Winterville is our procurement specialist. He works for Earl and now you, I guess. He has the raw material formulation that he gives to our supplier. Again, this varies somewhat depending on the average relative humidity at the time of production. He is the only one that has the algorithm to make these adjustments. By the way, is it true that Al Gore invented the algorithm?”

  “No, sir. I believe that came from…”

  “Right. Dan Fallan is our lead engineer. He schedules the production volume and mixing time based on another proprietary formula that only he knows. Phil Kitter is our Head of Research. He sets the run time. And finally, Charles. He inputs the reactor start-up sequencing based on an ever changing code that only he can decipher. Collectively, we are The Circle. We call The Circle’s late evening pre-production meetings the “Nights of the Round Table.”

  That usually kills. Not even a twitch from Elwood.

  “Get it? Nights as in Knights…? Never mind. Anyway, we think this gives us simple but tight security. Although others have tried, no one has successfully duplicated X-400. Any questions?”

  “Will I be part of the…what did you call it? The Circle?”

  “I think so. But you will be the only one without a piece of the overall formula.”

  “So, why should I care?”

  “Right. Say, Elwood, do you play golf?”

  “No.”

  “We might have to fix that. Anyway, let me try one of my dad’s golfing analogies. While many can hit the ball one eighty or so and occasionally put it in the fairway, with X-400 we are two eighty plus and straight down the middle every time. Just as natural talent in golf is a special gift and must be nurtured and treasured, X-400 is a special gift to us and must be treated with the respect it deserves. It’s much more expensive and difficult to make than other coatings, but everyone wants it and is willing to pay for it. We are the only producers and we can make enough to meet worldwide demand. It is why, from a wine appreciation perspective, I’ve been able to relocate from Boone’s Farm to Napa Valley.”

  This kid did go to college? Right? He showed no hint of recognizing the liquid staple of my high school years. I wasn’t about to waste any classic rock references on him. I think I would be able to take Elwood at most sports. But I would bet against myself ten times out of ten if we engaged in a stare war. I don’t think even my patented Groucho Marx eyebrow hopping moves would get a blink out of him. Spooky.

  “Elwood, if I may, I’d like to give you a bit of advice. I learned this business from the ground up by talking to the workers that had been here for a long time. Their knowledge and expertise is golden. They are our best asset. And most will be happy to share what they know with you. So, go mine some of this gold.”

  After a very brief mumbled thank you and one of the limpest handshakes I’ve ever experienced, I sent Elwood on to see Earl. I didn’t think there was much else I could tell him. I certainly didn’t think I needed to warn him about hitting on Victoria.