All for This

by Lexi Ryan

  She closes her eyes, and I count the beats of my anxious heart as I wait. “I don’t care about all that.”

  “I love you, Hanna. I just want you to wake up every day and know—without a doubt in your mind—that you’re engaged to a man who loves you and wants to make up for being blind for so many years.”

  “I’ve loved you since I was thirteen.” She removes her hands from mine, and the first prickling of dread starts its ominous crawl toward my heart. “And I still think you’re one of the best men I have ever met.”

  “Hanna.” We both know where this is going. “What happened?”

  Her eyes fill with new tears, and I see what’s coming all over her face. I’ve seen it coming all week.

  “Don’t do this.”

  “I have to.” She puts her hand to the side of my face then drops it quickly, as if touching me costs her. “You loved me and sacrificed for me—you knew the bakery was my dream and you went to extraordinary measures to make sure I got it. I’ll pay you back and I’ll never forget.”

  My lungs are tight and I can’t make them take air. “You changed the way I see the world. You made me see what love could be. The bakery is nothing compared to that. I would do anything for you.”

  “I know,” she says, and fat tears roll down her cheeks. “And don’t you think it’s time that goes both ways?”

  “Don’t.”

  “You deserve better than me.”

  I want to object. To tell her she’s so wrong—that a future with her in any form is better than I deserve—but my throat is thick with emotion and there’s no room for words.

  She tilts her head to the side, and more tears stream from her eyes as she pulls my grandmother’s ring from her finger. She may as well be ripping out my heart.

  She takes my hand and presses the ring into my palm. “I can’t be with you when my heart’s not mine to give, and I won’t ask you to wait for me anymore.”

  “Are you leaving me for him? Is he going to give you a future? Commitment? Raise the babies by your side?”

  She shakes her head. “This isn’t about him. New Hope is my home, and LA is his. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I can’t help myself anymore, and I gather her into my arms, pulling her against my chest. “Don’t do this. I know you don’t remember, but you chose me. There was a reason you chose me.”

  She lets me hold her for a few breaths, and I can feel her tears soaking through the cotton of my shirt. I breathe in her scent, and when I pull away, regret is all over her face.

  “I never wanted to hurt you,” she says, her eyes moist.

  I want to kiss her. Hold her. Beg her to reconsider.

  “I need to leave,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

  My grandmother’s ring bites into my palm as I watch her head out the door.

  Four Days Before Hanna’s Accident

  WHEN I knock on Max’s door, it occurs to me that this is probably a terrible place to do this. I could have waited until tomorrow morning and caught him at the club. I could have called and asked him to meet me at the bakery. Instead, I came to his apartment.

  The last time I was here, I took off my clothes and begged him to have sex with me. The last time I was here, he turned me down.

  “Try me. Come back here sober and test me, Hanna.”

  Ever since I got back from LA, I’ve been thinking about that night at Max’s house. Did I really want him to make love to me, or did I only say that because I knew he wouldn’t do it when I’d been drinking? I think part of me meant it at the time. I love Max, and if Meredith hadn’t screwed everything up, we’d be on our way to a wedding by now.

  And now I’m here to give him back his ring.

  When Max pulls the door open, he looks exhausted, but he grins as soon as he sees me. “Hey,” he says softly.

  “Hey.”

  He pulls the door wider, his gaze skimming over me. I’m in a jean skirt and red wrap shirt, nothing special, but his eyes on me make me feel beautiful. Sexy. Wanted.

  “I don’t suppose you’re here for the same reason you were last time?”

  My heart thuds, stumbles, and trips in my chest, and I can feel my cheeks burn. “I’m afraid not.”

  He makes some sort of unintelligible sound at the back of his throat then says, “You want to come in?”

  “Yeah. I mean, assuming Meredith’s not hiding in there somewhere.” I regret my joke when his face falls.

  “There’s nothing between us but Claire.”

  I follow him into the apartment and notice he has a Pack ’N Play set up in the corner and a diaper bag on the counter. Was all of that there when I was here last week and I was just too drunk to notice?

  “I’m pretty sure Meredith wants me to think there’s more,” I say.

  “What did she say to you?”

  “She likes to send me texts when she’s over here. Implying…things.”

  Max’s fingers are on my chin, tilting my face up until my eyes meet his. “I haven’t touched her since before I kissed you for the first time in November.”

  My gut twists with guilt. Because maybe he hasn’t touched anyone else, but I can’t say the same. How would he feel if he knew I gave my virginity to another man? That I’ve been dating someone else all summer?

  I shrug and drop my eyes to the ground. It’s not that I can’t face him. But there’s such a fierce intensity in his blue eyes I’m afraid I’ll kiss him if I don’t look away. I want to remember what his lips feel like on mine before I say goodbye. I want to have his arms curl around me and hold me tight so I can remember all the good days and stamp them into a safe place in my memory.

  “I haven’t touched any woman but you, and that will remain true as long as my ring waits in your jewelry box.”

  I press my palm against my thigh and finger the ring in the pocket of my jeans. I’m not here because I’m choosing Nate. After yesterday, I know Nate and I can’t be together. He says he loves me, but he’s not willing to sacrifice anything to be with me.

  I’m here because I can’t choose either one of them, and I need to break it off with both.

  Max’s gaze drops to my mouth and his eyes turn from warm and tender to hot and hungry. “I miss you, Hanna.”

  “I miss you too.”

  He traces my bottom lip with his thumb. My eyes float closed and my muscles soften even as my conscience bristles. I can’t keep this up much longer.

  “I wanted to talk to you about Abby,” I say, and my conscience sings, Coward!

  “Is she okay?”

  “Yeah, but she’s taken some pretty radical measures trying to stay thin, and I’m worried about her.”

  He raises a brow. “I know how you feel.”

  I frown. “You knew about Abby?”

  “I’m talking about being worried about you.”

  “Oh. No, don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” Or I will be. Catching Abby with those diet pills was a wakeup call for me, and I made an appointment with a psychiatrist in Indianapolis. “I was hoping you’d talk to her. Maybe go through a healthy, balanced diet and exercise plan. That kind of thing?”

  “And would you be there to hear my lecture?”

  I draw in a shaky breath. “Sure.” Our eyes lock for a minute before I say, “I am working on it. I know I haven’t been the healthiest role model for her.”

  A phone starts ringing in the bedroom and Max sighs. “I need to grab that. Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

  I nod, and he heads to the bedroom to take the call.

  His shoulders are so broad, so strong. I know Max would give me everything Nate wouldn’t, and it’s so tempting to take what he’s offering me.

  I wander over to his kitchen table and my gaze catches on a piece of mail at the top of the stack. Smith, Peterson, and Frank Law Offices of Indianapolis.

  I know that law firm. That’s the place that’s managing the arrangement with my anonymous investor for the bakery.

  What business could Max have with them?


  I can hear Max’s low murmurs coming from the bedroom. When I slip the papers from the envelope, I don’t even feel guilty for snooping—not much, at least—because I already know what I’m going to see. Max’s name and the name of my bakery all on the same letter with the lawyer’s letterhead.

  I don’t get to do more than skim the letter before I hear him end the call. I have to shove the papers back into the envelope and drop them to the table.

  “Sorry,” he says as he emerges from the bedroom. “That was my mom. Her air conditioner is on the fritz again, and I was troubleshooting with her.”

  “No, not at all. It’s fine. No problem. I hope you can fix it.” I’m rambling.

  He cocks his head to the side. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “I’m fine.” I nod once, twice…six times like I’m a freaking bobblehead. I was so wrong about Max, and everywhere this summer took me, every decision I made, branched from my disbelief that he ever wanted me for anything more than my money.

  But there it is, right on his kitchen table: evidence that he wasn’t ever after my money. He was sacrificing his own to make my dreams come true. Evidence that I let my insecurities ruin my future with an amazing man.

  “Hanna?”

  My eyes fill, and I step forward, wrap my arms around his neck, and hug him as I’d hug any friend who I learned had given me such an amazing gift.

  Max wraps his arms around me and presses a kiss to my hair. “What’s this for?”

  “I’m sorry I took you for granted.”

  He slides his hand along my jaw and tilts my face up to his. “Ditto,” he whispers.

  Then he skims his lips over mine in a movement that’s so gentle and so tender I nearly disintegrate under it. I kiss him back, unsure whether I’m saying goodbye or welcoming something new into my life.

  When he pulls back, his eyes are full of questions, but he only asks one. “Stay with me tonight? We don’t have to do anything. I just need you in my arms again.”

  I don’t know what I want, but he takes my silence as my answer and his expression changes and becomes guarded. “I’m sorry,” I say, and turn to leave.

  “I love you,” he calls to my back, and I can only nod. I walk out the door, his grandmother’s ring still in my pocket.

  Present Day

  “SO FREAKING good,” I moan. I let the pure, unadulterated pleasure of fine chocolate ripple through my body.

  After I left Max’s house, I called Liz, who promised she was on her way, but she brought the whole crew, and now Liz, Maggie, Cally, and Nix are all gathered around my kitchen island with drinks—martinis for the three who aren’t knocked up and herbal tea for the rest of us—and pounds of those gourmet chocolates Asher buys Maggie when he’s in New York.

  Liz raided the bakery and brought up an assortment of cookies and pastries, and Nix brought a silly card game that we haven’t bothered playing.

  Without my having to explain, they all understand how hard it was for me to give Max his ring back.

  “So what happens between you and Nate now?” Nix asks.

  Liz is shaking up a new batch of chocolate martinis, and Nix raises her glass to signal she wants another.

  “Nothing,” I say. I cut a piece of the cheese Danish and hand it to Nix. “This is my new recipe. Tell me if it’s too sweet.”

  “What do you mean, nothing?” Nix asks before taking a bite. Then, with her mouth half full, she says, “Oh my God. This isn’t food. It’s an orgasm in your mouth.”

  When Liz reaches for the rest of the Danish, Cally smacks her hand away and takes it from the plate. “Pregnant ladies get first dibs.”

  “Nothing?” Maggie asks. “Are you sure?”

  “I didn’t break it off with Max so I could be with Nate.” Though I’m sure Max believes I did. I’m sure everyone in town will think I did, once word gets out.

  “What did he say when you told him you were pregnant?” Nix asks.

  “He wants me to move to LA.”

  “What?” Liz squeaks. “Like you’re going to totally throw away your business—your life—for him?”

  “You can’t blame him for trying,” Maggie says.

  “He’s only interested because of the babies. When I went to LA and told him I wasn’t going to marry Max, Nate still said goodbye. He doesn’t want to be with me—not enough to fight for me when it counts.” And not enough to figure out a way to make it work that doesn’t involve my moving across the country.

  “I’m not sure you’re being fair, Hanna,” Nix says. “When you went to LA, he thought you’d chosen Max before the accident.”

  Maggie nods. “I think he was trying to let you go since you wanted to be with Max.”

  “I didn’t walk away. I let you go.”

  Is that what Nate meant? He let me go so I could be with Max?

  “I still don’t understand why I chose Max,” I say quietly, and the admission fills me with guilt. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t know how I could have chosen Nate either. It’s an impossible choice. My missing memories are leaving me with a lot of unanswered questions. I still have four days of my life that are missing. I wish I knew what happened in those days.”

  “Have you thought any more about how the accident may have happened?” Nix asks.

  Liz tenses. “What do you mean by that?”

  Nix just studies me, so finally I say, “Nix thinks my injuries were too severe to be from just a fall. She suspects that some of them were…inflicted intentionally.”

  “What? By whom?” Liz asks. “How?”

  I nod at Nix, silently giving her permission to talk about it, and she takes a breath. “I think maybe there was foul play—a fight with punches thrown, that kind of thing. I’m not excluding the possibility that Hanna took an accidental fall down the stairs, but given the state of her injuries, I suspected there might be more to it than that. Not knowing Max very well, I immediately asked about him.”

  “We can rule out that possibility,” I say softly. “Max would lay down his life for me.”

  “What about Meredith?” Maggie says. “You were stealing her man.”

  Cally snorts. “I’m no defender of Meredith, but a fistfight? That doesn’t seem her style.”

  “True,” Liz says. “She might break a nail.”

  “I’m not convinced there was anything more than a fall,” I say. “I wasn’t eating and I could have passed out and fallen.”

  “Even if that’s true, that doesn’t answer the question about how you came to choose Max,” Liz says. “I think it’s reasonable to want to know, even if you aren’t marrying him.”

  Maggie’s frowning into her wine. “Am I the only one who thinks it seems unlikely that Hanna would give her virginity to Nate and, less than a week later, decide to marry someone else?”

  “Maybe,” I say softly. Nix, who was about to chime in, shuts her mouth. “Maybe I wanted to make love to Nate for the same reasons any woman wants to have sex with a man she loves. I know that might be hard to understand, but I do love them both.” I look at my friends’ and sisters’ faces. “Letting go of either one of them seemed impossible the day Nate told me I needed to make a choice.” It still seems impossible, but I don’t say that aloud.

  Liz refills her wine. “Maybe it came down to which guy could give you the future that you want.”

  “Probably.” I thought of that too.

  I don’t want to leave New Hope for LA or anywhere. How would a real relationship with Nate even work? Would he want me to move to LA or would our life be a series of two- or three-day visits here and there? Him coming to New Hope when he didn’t have performances or need to put time in at the studio, me flying out to see him perform when I could get away from the bakery?

  “Max looks better on paper,” Cally says. “Except for Meredith, of course.”

  “Maybe Hanna found out about the bakery,” Liz suggests. “I mean, the guy sacrificed his house just so she could have her dream.”


  “I did,” I admit, thinking of my most recent memory. “I was at Max’s apartment and I saw a letter from the law firm that handles the arrangement with the bakery. But would that be enough to make me choose to marry him?”

  Maggie cocks her head. “So you believe you chose Max over Nate before the accident, and you want to know what finally brought you to your final decision.”

  I nod. “Wouldn’t you?”

  Liz opens a drawer and removes a pad of paper and a pen. “Okay, let’s figure out what we do know.” She writes HANNA’S MISSING DAYS at the top and draws a line under it. Down the side, she writes the days of the week through Thursday, and next to Thursday, she writes Accident on stairs.

  “Can we assume that’s when I put on the ring too?” I ask. “Did anyone see it on me before that?”

  Liz shakes her head. “That was the day. I would have noticed if you’d had it on sooner.” She adds Puts on ring to Thursday.

  “When did you sleep with Nate?” Maggie asks.

  “Saturday,” I say, pointing. “And that’s when he told me I had to make a choice. Then, later, we…” I swallow. “We got caught up in the moment and had unprotected sex in the shower.”

  “And hello, twins,” Nix says.

  “Hello, horribly timed baby conversation,” I reply. The girls all stare at me expectantly, so I explain, “It’s a new memory. And not a good one.”

  “How can shower sex with Nate Crane be a bad memory?” Nix asks.

  My cheeks burn. “Well, that part isn’t bad.”

  “I hate you a little right now,” Nix says.

  “It was the after,” I say, “when we realized what we’d done and I…” I swallow hard. “I pushed him about what would happen if I got pregnant, and we had this terrible fight because he didn’t want to talk about it and I insisted. I needed to know.”

  “Of course you did,” Liz says. “And you were right to ask.”

  “I guess,” I say. “But think about it from Nate’s point of view. He’s been commitment-averse since his son was born. He didn’t want a long-term relationship, marriage, kids, none of that. Collin comes first. Then, just hours after he said that he’d change his rules for me, that he’d find a way to make it work for me, there I am, talking about babies and the future.”