All for This

by Lexi Ryan

  “I think Vivian did it.”

  He actually smiles. Smiles. “That’s funny. What else ya got?”

  I shake my head. “I’m serious. She wanted me out of your life. She came here specifically to ask me to let her have a chance with you.”

  His face has gone deadly serious. “That’s a far cry from pushing you down the stairs.”

  “Listen, I never thought about it until today, but when she was in town last time, I went over to Asher’s, and you and Vivian were fighting in the basement. Drake was at the top of the stairs and he said that, the last time he saw me, I was wearing Max’s ring. Which means they must have been here the day of the accident.”

  “Vivian didn’t push you down the stairs. She wouldn’t do that.” He drags a hand through his hair and cracks a sardonic smile. “Christ, have you seen the woman? She’s half your size.”

  I wince. “Thanks.”

  “Jesus, Hanna. Seriously? You’re accusing a sweet, loving woman of a serious crime and you’re going to take offense to a reference to your size differences?”

  “You don’t have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you this,” I whisper.

  “She didn’t do it, so let it go.”

  “Meredith was here that day too,” I say.

  “Well, there’s a more likely suspect.”

  “She said I asked her to leave when a guy who looked like Fabio showed up at my apartment.” When he looks at me blankly, I say, “Drake. Drake looks like Fabio in his romance cover days, and everyone knows Vivian doesn’t go anywhere without Drake.”

  “So you’re saying Vivian wanted you away from me so badly that she came to your apartment and, when she saw you were wearing his ring, she pushed you down the stairs?” He shakes his head. “Come on, Hanna. That doesn’t even make sense.”

  “I just know she wanted me away from you. She told me as much.”

  “Of course she did. Do I wish she wouldn’t have come here and asked you to stay away? Sure, but that’s not that unreasonable. She wanted me back. She wanted our family back together. That’s no crime.”

  “No. But pushing me down the stairs is.”

  He rubs the back of his neck. “Let it go. Please. It wasn’t her.”

  “How do you know that? How do you know?”

  “Other than the fact that I’ve known her most of my life and I know better than anyone that she’s not capable of hurting someone like that?”

  “Yeah. Other than that.”

  “She was in London the day of your accident. She didn’t push you down the fucking stairs.”

  “What if she just told you she was in London? What if that was her cover because she was really here trying to make me forget—”

  “I know,” he says, and his words are so quiet that I finally believe him. “I know because she was in my bed.”

  My heart plummets because surely he doesn’t mean… “You really think he ever stopped fucking his actress?” Of course that’s what I thought. Why would I have believed anything else when I was so convinced I was the one he wanted?

  “What?”

  “You’d cut me out of your life and wouldn’t even talk to me about it.”

  “So you took her to London with you?”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “What was it like, then? You took my virginity, told me you wanted me to leave Max for you, and by the way, a future with you meant a life in LA with no kids. And then, while I went home to search my heart and figure out if I could sacrifice everything I ever wanted for you, while I fought every instinct that said I should be with you no matter the cost, you were in London with your ex, trying to make sure you really meant the very fucking little you promised me. Fuck you, Nate. Fuck. You.”

  “You chose him, Hanna.” His shoulders sag and he studies me for a beat. “He’s the one you were so sure was right for you. I’m just the guy who knocked you up.”

  We stare at each other, and my heart hurts so badly that I expect it to stop working at any minute. The silence pulses around us like an angry, living thing.

  “I have to leave. Collin’s expecting me tonight.”

  “Nate…”

  “I have to leave. You and I…” He shrugs, and I feel like pieces of my heart have fallen into my stomach and are decomposing inside me. “Vivian’s always going to be part of my life because Collin’s always going to be part of my life. And you will always be a part of my life too. We’re going to figure this out.”

  “That’s what you keep saying.”

  Nate leaves the room, suitcase in hand. I feel broken and empty.

  I need to go to the bakery. With the holiday rush, I have plenty there to keep me busy, and if the simple chemistry of baking can’t busy my mind, nothing can.

  I head downstairs to change. I’m halfway down the hallway when I hear footsteps behind me.

  “Hanna.”

  Then Nate is spinning me around and pressing his mouth against mine. I’m so scared this is goodbye. I cling to him as I kiss him back. Our mouths are open, greedy, and demanding, and when he pulls back, he wipes a tear from my cheek.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I couldn’t let you go. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise not to fight for you. Maybe you’d be better with him. He’s the better guy, but I’m the right guy and you’re mine.”

  “What about her?” I ask. “Are you sorry for sleeping with her?”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t even remember it. I remember her showing up. I was lonely. I was pissed. I missed you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. She showed up in the bar, and I wasn’t alone anymore.”

  “So you slept with her.”

  “I thought I’d lost you. I got drunk. And I woke up in bed with her.”

  “You slept with her,” I repeat.

  His eyes meet mine. “Yeah. I slept with her.”

  I nod, and hot tears roll out of the corners of my eyes. “Do you still love her?”

  “Not the way I love you.”

  “Do you still love her?” I am a broken record.

  “She’s the mother of my son. I’ll always love her.”

  Vivian was right. I’m stealing something from him by being in his life. Would he even be here right now if it weren’t for these babies?

  “Go to her.”

  “Hanna, it’s not like that,” he growls.

  “I’m not walking away,” I tell him. “I’m letting you go.”

  “The fuck you are. I won’t let you.” He squeezes my shoulders and presses his mouth to mine, but I don’t open under him this time. I’m stronger now. If only I’d been stronger sooner.

  “You are too good of a father to miss Christmas with Collin just so you can stay here and fight with me.”

  “Come with me.” He shakes his head. “I’m not asking you to move. Just come for the holiday. Janelle will arrange for someone to cover the bakery.”

  “We both know I don’t belong there.”

  “Don’t do this, Hanna. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about London sooner, but I hardly had you. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

  “Tell me something.” I force a full breath into my lungs. “If you hadn’t met me, would you be with her now?”

  He pales. “Don’t make me answer that.”

  The kitchen clock ticks, and on the street, a snow plow’s blade scrapes the street.

  “But we both already know the answer,” I say. “Merry Christmas, Nate. Give Collin a hug for me.”

  I walk away from him before my strength dissolves, and I shut and lock my bedroom door behind me. Time runs away from me. Minutes, hours, seconds—everything is meaningless but the measure of his steps against the floorboards toward my room, the space of the silence as he waits by my door, and the creak of the front door opening and closing.

  I don’t change clothes and I don’t go to the bakery. I crawl into bed, curl onto my side, and fall asleep.

  My bed feels cold. Empty. I reach for Nate and grasp at air
. Slowly, I reorient myself, remember the argument, curl into myself at the memory of his confession.

  “I thought I’d lost you.”

  My stomach hurts—aches—with grief.

  I gasp and put my hand to my belly, where the cramps that woke me are making my whole core ache. Not so different than the cramps I got with my periods, the pain is low in my pelvis and wraps around to my lower back.

  “No,” I whisper, but there’s no one here to hear the word. I’m afraid to move, but I know I have to. I grab my phone from the end table and pull up my contacts list.

  A sob lodges in my throat when I see Nate’s name, but he should be in California by now. I scroll past his name and dial Nix.

  DRAKE OPENS the door when I arrive at Vivian’s and inclines his chin. “Collin’s already sleeping.”

  I’m lunging for him before I know what I’m doing—pressing him against the wall with my hand at his neck. “What did you do to her?” Because Vivian was in London with me, but I have no idea where Drake was that day. I always assumed he was somewhere in London—he never strays far from Vivian’s side—but he could very well have been in New Hope assaulting the woman I love in some misguided attempt to protect the woman he loves.

  “To whom?” he grunts. He barely seems fazed by the fact that I have him against the wall.

  “Nathaniel, what are you doing?” Vivian asks behind me. “Let him go.”

  “What did you do to Hanna?”

  Drake lifts a brow and points to his neck, indicating that he won’t talk until I release him.

  “You were there the day of the accident,” I say, and I back up because I need to know what happened. “You saw her with the ring on.”

  Drake rubs his neck and looks to Vivian.

  She nods. “Tell him.”

  “When Viv went to London, I went to New Hope to talk to Hanna one more time.”

  “If you hurt her,” I growl, “I’ll fucking kill you.”

  “No, you won’t,” Vivian snaps.

  “I didn’t hurt her.” Drake throws up his hands. “Why would I have wanted to do that? I was just there to find out what she’d decided, and she was wearing that local boy’s ring.”

  I flinch. “Did she ever say why?” I don’t want it to matter to me. It shouldn’t matter if I have her now. But it does.

  “She said that she loved him,” Vivian says, talking for Drake. “That she wanted to marry Max, and it was her final decision.”

  I push past them and into the living room and collapse on the couch. My gut aches, and I feel like I’m seconds from losing the tequila I had on the plane.

  “I thought you knew,” Vivian says behind me.

  I rest my head in my hands. Of course I did. She was wearing his ring. My own damn sister said Hanna was leaning in that direction.

  “But I didn’t believe. Jesus. I don’t know why it matters so much, but I needed to believe she’d choose me.”

  “Maybe she would have,” she says softly. “I did something terrible.”

  I stiffen. I’ve known since the beginning of this conversation that something was coming. “Hanna?”

  She nods. “I didn’t want you getting hurt. I’d never seen you like this. I was afraid she was just some money-grubbing, celebrity-chasing…”

  When Viv’s eyes meet mine, I can see I don’t have to explain. She knows now that Hanna isn’t any of those things. “What did you do?”

  “I went to New Hope and informed her I was still in love with you.”

  “So I hear.”

  She chews on her bottom lip and shakes her head. “I told her she was standing in the way of a family. That if she would move aside, you would finally have the thing you want most. What you need most.”

  “When?” My voice is hard.

  Her face crumbles and she shakes her head. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I didn’t realize how good she is or how very much you love her.”

  “When was this, Viv?”

  She shrugs. “Back in August. Before I met you in London.”

  Before the accident. Before she put on Max’s ring. Before I fucked up.

  “Fuck,” I mutter, dragging a hand through my hair. No wonder.

  “She’s lucky,” she says to her wine. “I would have killed to have you look at me just once the way you look at her.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt? Years ago, before your marriage, before Hanna?” I wait for her to look at me, but she stays focused on her wine, looking for all the answers there.

  “I thought you didn’t love me. I thought the problem was me, so I pushed you away. You don’t let people in. You know that? You and Janelle are so close, but you shut the rest of the world out. When I realized it wasn’t just me, I thought it was too late.”

  “I never meant to shut you out.”

  “You changed last summer. You smiled more. You’d been living like a zombie for years and suddenly you were awake. You were happier, and I thought we could make it work.” Finally, she brings her eyes to mine. “By the time I realized she was the reason, it was too late. Sure, I was still married, but mentally, I’d moved on with you.”

  “Dammit, Viv. I never meant for you to dissolve your marriage for me.”

  “I had to. If I was willing to leave him for you, I shouldn’t have been with him at all.” She takes a sip of her wine, and her sip turns to a long drink until the glass is nearly empty.

  “Tell me what I can do.”

  “Give me physical custody of Collin,” I reply without hesitation. “Let me take him to New Hope to live with me.”

  She draws in a shaky breath. “I won’t have half the country between me and my son.”

  “Don’t make me fight you, Viv. I’ve learned the hard way I need to fight for what I want—for who I love.”

  “THE GOOD news,” Nix says as she scans the monitors beside the bed, “is that the medicine made the contractions stop.”

  I stare at the monitors, unsure what they all mean but too scared that, if I look away, they’ll stop their beeping and wiggling and something terrible will happen to my babies.

  “What’s the bad news?” I whisper.

  Liz squeezes my hand.

  When I called Nix, she told me to have Nate drive me to Labor and Delivery. I called Liz and had her bring me. I don’t think she’s taken a full breath since we arrived. She’s not the only one.

  “The bad news,” Nix says, “is that you’re a centimeter dilated and you’re looking at bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy.”

  I dare to take my eyes off the monitors to look at Nix. “Bed rest? That’s it?”

  Nix sighs. “Well, this will all be up to your perinatologist, so it’s just speculation on my part, but I imagine they’ll keep you here to monitor you for a couple of days. If the medicine appears to be working and keeping your contractions at bay, they’ll continue with it, put you on strict bed rest, and keep a careful eye on you. We want those babies to stay in there as long as they can.”

  The room is tense with the words she’s not saying: the prognosis for twins born at twenty weeks’ gestation is not a good one.

  Liz looks like she might lose it and start crying any minute. “Do you think this is because of her fall?”

  “I don’t know,” Nix says. “But that’s highly unlikely. If that fall was going to create a problem, I imagine we would have seen it early on. Or we would have never known about the pregnancy.”

  My eyes are back on the monitors, but I feel Nix’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Try not to worry too much about why. Just rest. And get a hold of Nate. He’ll want to know.”

  She shuts off the lights on her way out and leaves Liz and me in the glow of the light trickling in from the bathroom.

  “Do you want me to call him?” Liz asks.

  I shake my head, but I don’t mean no. I just mean that I don’t know. He’s in California to spend Christmas with Collin, and I don’t want to ruin that.

  “He’s upset with me,�
�� I finally admit. “I told him I thought Vivian pushed me down the stairs. And he told me she couldn’t have because she was in London.” I swallow. “In bed with him.”

  Liz gasps and chokes a little, and when I turn my head to look at her, her face is red and splotchy and she’s crying.

  “It’s okay,” I say. “I don’t blame him.”

  She shakes her head. “I didn’t know you really believed someone pushed you.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know what I believe anymore.”

  “No one pushed you,” she whispers. “Not intentionally at least.” Then she sinks to her knees and rests her head on the side of my bed. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Liz?” Panic lodges in my throat. “Liz, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m so sorry,” she repeats. “You’re the most important person in my world, and I would never hurt you on purpose.”

  Oh my God. “What happened, Liz?”

  She lifts her head and draws in a ragged breath. “The day of the accident, Sam called me and said you’d met with him. He said he was worried about you and that maybe you were about to rush into a marriage you weren’t ready for.” She pushes herself off her haunches and paces the room. “Of course, I didn’t know anything about Max proposing at the beginning of the summer, and the idea of you getting married was new to me. And terrifying. You’d pulled away from me completely. You’d become a shell of your former self—exercised-obsessed and quiet and secretive—and in my mind, that was all associated with Max. I thought he made you like that. I thought that, if you married him, I’d lose you forever.”

  I force myself to steady my breathing. I know what’s coming.

  “I came up to your apartment to see if what Sam said was true and to try to talk you out of rushing into it. You met me on the balcony and you had a puffy lip and a swollen eye. You wouldn’t tell me what those were from, and you were wearing the ring.” She stops pacing and lifts her eyes to mine. “I demanded that you take it off. I’m your twin sister, and I didn’t even know he’d proposed, and you were wearing his ring, telling me that I needed to trust you. You were doing the right thing, you said. But to me, it was all wrong, and I wanted my sister back. I tried to take the ring off you myself. I was desperate. I felt like it had you under some spell or something and if I could get it off your finger…”