The Walrus and the Warwolf

by Hugh Cook

  'Now,' said Lord Menator, 'the question arises - what shall we do with Drake Douay?'

  'I see you don't like the man,' said Elkor Alish. 'But that's no excuse for killing him.'

  'You wouldn't stand for it?' said Menator.

  'My war is fought for reasons which are pure,' said Alish. 'I'll not stain my hands with the blood of the innocent - or stand aside and watch the innocent murdered, either.'

  'But we must do something with this unruly fellow,' said Menator, 'or he'll scarper back to Selzirk to try something rash to rescue his Walrus and Warwolf. We wouldn't want to see him in Selzirk betraying our secrets, would we now?'

  'I'd betray nothing!' said Drake, defiantly.

  'Under torture,' said Menator, 'even the best will betray everything.'

  'That's but theory talking,' said Drake.

  'We can put theory to test, if you wish,' said Menator blandly.

  'No thanks!' said Drake.

  So it came to pass that Drake Douay (also known as Arabin lol Arabin and Shen Shen Drax, as the Demon-son and other things), was placed in preventive detention aboard one of the ships moored in the harbour of the city of Androlmarphos.

  Which was soon beleaguered by an army from the city of Selzirk.

  50

  Drake's training in preventive detention: with the knife; with sword; in combat against ghosts and shadows. He alarms his jailors with the intensity with which he rages against imprisonment. Sweat, rage and endeavour allow him to win back his strength. The elegant Elkor Alish, rated by many as the best swordsman of Rovac, visits him twice to check on his conditions, and, impressed by his dedication, gives him some pointers on technique and on training.

  Then Alish visits no more: for there is war.

  The Harvest Plains finally responded to the capture of Androlmarphos by sending an army from Selzirk to lay seige to the place. That army was commanded by Morgan Hearst, a warrior of Rovac, who had once been a battle-companion of Elkor Alish.

  Nothing daunted, Elkor Alish led his troops out of the planning to break the strength of Selzirk on the plain of battle. But the chances of war gave Hearst the victory. Alish, his battle-strength broken, retreated behind the walls of Androlmarphos. After a brief siege, Morgan Hearst used the death-stone against those walls. A few defenders escaped to sea; the rest, for the most part, died.

  Since Drake was in preventive detention, he missed the preliminary skirmish which saw Lord Menator of the tattooed rose killed outside the walls of Androlmarphos. And he took no part in the Battle of the Pyramid Plain, or in the defence of 'Marphos. But he did see something of

  the terrors of the attack which drove Alish and his allies from the city.

  Before Drake's ship got away to sea, Drake saw walking rocks raging on the docks of 'Marphos, conjured to life by the death-stone. He had heard much of that rock-waking magic from Atsimo Andranovory in Selzirk, but had believed none of it until he saw those living rocks in rage.

  Morgan Hearst commandeered some ships and gave chase to the few survivors - but, after a desperate battle at sea, Elkor Alish and some of his men escaped. Drake, by luck, was amongst them. By then, Drake had long since finished his weeping for Walrus and Warwolf; he counted himself lucky to have got away with his own life when so many thousands had perished.

  Freedom delighted him. In the brightness of sun and sea, the horrors of helpless imprisonment and dreadful torture lost their grip on his imagination. He began to feel quite his old self again.

  On the voyage between 'Marphos and Runcorn (a city still held by Elkor Alish), Drake had some strange meetings with faces from the past.

  He met up once again with Forester, a strangely naive fellow whom he'd first met on the attempted voyage to Ork which had ended in sea-wreck disaster. He also renewed his acquaintance with Bluewater Draven, sometime commander of the Tusk, whom he had last seen on Chag-jalak in the North Strait, when pirates escaping from Collosnon captors had taken to the sea in separate boats.

  Drake and Bluewater Draven had some wild fun with Forester, making him believe the most unbelievable stories about their exploits. They had success with outright lies which they would never have had with the truth, for the truth (about flying islands and such) was scarce believable except to those who had lived through it.

  Drake had some anxieties about landing at Runcorn, where he had once ruled as Arabin lol Arabin, head of his own temple and master of City Hall. But he found, to his relief, that most of the original population had been killed, exiled or sold into slavery.

  The city was on short commons. Under the ruthless rule of Elkor Alish, everyone was rationed to a single mug of beer a day, plus a little rice and vivda. Drake could see the sense in that, but, without any shame whatsoever, was soon heavily involved in black market bartering, and profiting greatly from his activities.

  He soon found a groggery which suited him, a thievish den which took no heed of rationing, and he was there one morning drinking koumiss and dining on macedoine, when he was hailed by a familiar voice:

  'Drake!'

  It was Jon Arabin. Drake, leaping to his feet, spilt both food and drink together.

  'Jon!' he cried. 'Jon, is it really you?'

  'Who else would it be, man?' said the Warwolf.

  'But you're - you're dead!'

  'Aye, dead and resurrected,' said Jon Arabin. 'But none the.worse for it.'

  The next moment they were in each other's arms, slapping each other on the back, both laughing yet near to tears.

  'Do I get a cuddle?' said a voice.

  It was Slagger Mulps, the Walrus himself.

  'No cuddles, unless you can pay for them,' said Drake. 'But - have a bowl of kale, man, and a mug of ale. Bar! Serve up for my friends!'

  Soon all three were seated at table deep in food, drink and conversation. Great stuff! Old comrades true together. It made the place feel almost like home . . .

  'How did you get away from Selzirk?' asked Drake.

  'Ah,' said Jon Arabin. 'Thereby hangs a tale.'

  And, with some help from the Walrus, Arabin told a fabulous tale about how they had variously bribed, deceived and outwitted their gaolers, killed guards, escaped to an underground tunnel, footed it for fifty leagues in utter darkness, fought with a giant worm, exited from the tunnel into a cave deep in the Spine Mountains, purchased a flying carpet from an old wizard, then navigated to Runcorn by air.

  Drake only half-believed this tale, but doubted there was any chance of getting the truth out of them.

  Actually, both Walrus and Warwolf - along with everyone else in every dungeon in Selzirk - had been released and pardoned as part of the victory celebrations which followed the liberation of Androlmarphos. But, honour being what it is, they would never confess to such charitable treatment.

  'Now let's hear you talk,' said the Walrus. 'And let's talk frank, as we couldn't talk in Selzirk.'

  'What's there to be frank about?' said Drake. 'But for your bad breath, your rotten teeth and the boil in the middle of your forehead.'

  The Walrus, still weak from the terrors of imprisonment, took this hard. But he could not show how Drake's rough words hurt him - for he knew a pirate was not supposed to be so sensitive. Still, while he could not complain directly, there was another way in which he could strike back.

  'Let's talk of Penvash, to start with,' said Mulps.

  He would punish Drake a bit. Make him sweat over the matter of a stolen tinder box.

  'Penvash?' said Drake. 'What about it? We killed some green-eyed dogs up there, aye. Is that what you're on about? I suppose they were your relations and all!'

  Slagger Mulps, who had endured many a joke about his green eyes in years gone by, took this one hard.

  'You ran off,' said Mulps, a touch of open anger in his voice. 'Ran, aye. Left us in hardship for days.'

  'Hardship?' said Drake. 'I thought you green-haired animals were bred for the cold.'

  'Aagh!' said the Walrus. He spat, discreetly, into a bloodstained handke
rchief. Then said: 'So where did you bugger off to after you stole our tinder box?'

  'Man, I did no stealing,' said Drake. T was hot after

  Yot with the others when there was a bear or something, I don't know. A monster, maybe.'

  'What kind of monster?' said Jon Arabin.

  'Man, I know not,' said Drake, 'but I woke a long way later leagues and leagues from anywhere with a bloody head and bruises from gills to arsehole.'

  'From mating with this bear, perhaps,' said Mulps.

  'Gah!' said Drake, 'you'd be expert on buggering bears and such!'

  He spoke freely, to show his friendship. For friends slanged off at each other with no holds barred - that was part and parcel of friendship. Thus Drake, who these days thought better of the Walrus than he had once, spoke to him as freely as he used to speak with Pigot Quebec and other criminal friends in Selzirk of the thousand sewers.

  This last sally of Drake's brought Mulps close to tears - but again the Walrus concealed his hurt, and, after coughing a little more tubercular blood into a handkerchief, demanded:

  'And the girl?'

  'Girl?' said Drake, looking round the groggery. 'There's one in the corner there, she's got but one ear yet the rest looks staunch enough. Would she be any good to you?'

  'Don't play the fool with me, or I'll nubble you,' said Mulps, though he was so weakened by prison that he was scarce fit to fight a mouse.

  'Nubble away then!' said Drake, boldly.

  He thought the Walrus spoke his anger by way of a joke. And, in any case - an angry Walrus without Ish Ulpin and others to back him up was no danger at all to Drake Douay if it came to a matter of swords.

  'I'd rather kill beer than a comrade,' said Jon Arabin, mildly.

  Drake, seeing both Walrus and Warwolf had finished their ales, summoned up more from the bar. For a while, all ate and drank in silence. Then Mulps spoke again:

  'So what did happen to the Ebrell bitch? It's the one in

  Penvash I'm talking of. What came of her?'

  'Why, as I say, I don't know,' said Drake, 'for a monster attacked me. Likely the monster or whatever it was got eating her. She died somehow, anyway.'

  'Then why,' said the Walrus, 'why does rumour say you came to Runcorn with her? With her and a fortune in jasp and jade, which let you buy up half the city before you were finished?'

  'Man,' said Drake, spreading his hands, 'what I own is these hands. That's honest.'

  'But you had wealth once,' persisted the Walrus. 'It didn't just vanish, did it?'

  T were never rich,' said Drake. 'As for buried treasure or such, if that's what you're looking for - you'll get none from me. Would I mix with the scum in a dive like this if I had the wealth to live better?'

  'Aye, you would,' said Mulps, 'for it's your style, and you know no better. But I—'

  'Leave it, man,' said Jon Arabin. 'He's telling the truth. He has no treasure.'

  'And even if I did,' said Drake, 'I'd want human beings to share it with - not a gangling thing with grass on its chin and thumbs built double on its fists.'

  Mulps rose to his feet in anger.

  'Down, man!' said Arabin. 'Are we not friends together?'

  'We are,' said the Walrus, looking hard at Drake, and wishing he had the strength to tear the snake-tongued fellow apart. 'We're friends, aye, I'll not forget it, or the gift of ale and kale either.'

  Then Mulps sat, and gave every appearance of peace as talk turned to other subjects. But the insults rankled. That night, when Mulps slept, he had nightmares about his childhood, when he had been teased, bullied and rejected because he was so tall and thin, his nose so sharp, his thumbs double and his hair green.

  Mulps woke writhing and sweating. Drake! Drake Douay! He was responsible for this!

  'A curse,' muttered Mulps. 'He cursed me. Aye.'

  'What?' said his whore.

  'Nothing,' said Mulps. 'Go back to sleep.'

  Mulps slept but the whore didn't, and when Mulps woke in the morning she was gone - with the last of his money with her. He blamed Drake for that, too. And, later in the day, sought out Elkor Alish, and bore false witness against Drake. Warrants were sworn out on the spot, and guards sent to arrest Drake.

  Who was hauled into the presence of Elkor Alish that afternoon, vigorously threatening his guards with dragon-magic, demonic possession and a wide range of curses. All of which, of course, confirmed Mulps's belief that Drake had somehow put a curse upon him.

  'So, here you are,' said Elkor Alish, sighting Drake. 'Just the man I need.'

  'For what?' said Drake. 'What am I charged with? Show me a bill of particulars.'

  'No need for that,' said Alish. 'All charges are dismissed. I've got serious work for you to do.'

  'Aye. Work to get me killed, no doubt.'

  'It may well,' said Alish.

  'Then I'll have no part in it,' said Drake.

  'Oh, I'll make it worth your while. There's wealth and women as the pay for prompt performance.'

  'I've got a woman already. I fought shipboard for the favour of Ju-jai. Once at the Teeth I'll claim her. A famous pretty whore, they say, with hair as red as my last.'

  'Part of your pay,' said Alish, smoothly, 'will be the right to return to the Greater Teeth.'

  'Like that, is it?' said Drake.

  'Indeed like that. Be strong. All I want you to do is carry two letters. One is to Morgan Hearst. The other is to Watashi.'

  ' Carry letters? Why me? Why not send an ambassador?'

  'You will be precisely that. An ambassador. Remember when I visited you when you were in preventive detention in 'Marphos?'

  'Aye,' said Drake, cautiously.

  'You boasted large at the time,' said Alish. 'You said you'd been ambassador for King Tor on five different occasions.'

  'Yes, but,' said Drake, 'I've enemies in Stokos. Gouda Muck, for one. I can't be your ambassador if I'm caught up in feuds with enemies, can I?'

  'You'll deal in no feuds,' said Alish, 'for you'll visit the city in secret. That's why I must send you.'

  'Me!'

  'Right,' said Alish. 'You know the city. Better still, Watashi knows you. Who else have I got who's been face to face with Farfalla's son?'

  'But—'

  'You'll find a way to him,' said Alish. 'In secret. To guarantee your success . . . I'm holding your Walrus and Warwolf hostage against your safe return with proofs of performance.'

  Drake groaned.

  The Walrus, weakened by a fever which had been gaining a hold on his carcass since midnight, fainted.

  That night, Drake dreamed of dragons, torturers and Plovey of the Regency. Yet, the very next day, he began to make preparations for setting out for Selzirk - for he had no choice in the matter.

  Elkor Alish said he would choose companions for Drake, but gave him permission to look for additional companions for the venture. Drake looked, but found nobody suitable.

  There was just one person Drake seriously considered taking, and that was Forester, who lacked verve, courage, style and nous. Drake judged Forester to be a regular sucker-fool, who could be conned into doing the really dangerous work, such as making the approach to Watashi. However, despite the encouraging lies Drake told, Forester refused to join the adventure.

  'Ambassadors don't come so short in the tooth,' said Forester to Drake.

  Upon which Drake, offended, abandoned his efforts to recruit the man. He would rely on the companions Elkor Alish had chosen for him. Or so he thought at first. But when he saw those people, he despaired. They were coarse, brutal, stupid types. They spoke poor Galish and zero Churl. He complained to Alish:

  'Man, these people are good for nothing but knifework.'

  'That's what they've been chosen for,' said Alish. 'While you attack Selzirk with the word, they bring the sword.'

  'I'm ambassador and they're assassins?' 'Right.'

  'Then let's split our missions,' said Drake. 'You send them separate to the city. As for me - I've a plan.'

&nbs
p; 'Tell,'said Alish.

  He heard Drake out, and agreed to Drake's plan. Shortly, Drake was imprisoned with half a dozen enemy cavalry officers who had been captured when Alish and his allies.first took Androlmarphos. Like many of the more important hostages, they had been shipped to Runcorn early on for safe keeping.

  'Who might you be?' asked these prisoners, when Drake was flung into their midst, bleeding heavily from the nose.

  'Why, I be Drake Douay,' said Drake. 'A man of Stokos, aye, and adopted son of Plovey of the Regency, in Selzirk.'

  'How long ago adopted?' he was asked.

  'Why, but this time last year, when I saved him from drowning in the Velvet River. Hence I'm but making a start with my Churl. Since your Galish runs so fair, doubtless you can help me with work on my Churl, for I long to talk my father's tongue proper.'

  Drake's lie was so close to the truth that it was near to being unbreakable. Not that the officers tried to break it, for they had no cause to be suspicious.

  'What in Churl do you want to learn?' they said.

  'The language of sex and seduction, to staxt with,' said Drake, promptly - thinking that the fewer lies he told, the simpler life would be.

  So they started into lessons immediately.

  On the third night of Drake's captivity, the gaolers got drunk. The prisoners seized their opportunity and overpowered the drunks. Two of the gaolers got killed in the process. This was not part of the plan, but Drake had no sympathy for them - he was developing very strong views about gaols and gaolers.

  The escapers quit Runcorn, and found, outside the city, horses (complete with saddles) which were only lightly guarded. The guards did not stand and fight, but ran away. So the escapers commandeered the horses and rode hell for leather for the south.

  Did they suspect that the whole thing had been engineered by Drake Douay and Elkor Alish?

  No, not for a moment.

  For the officers, like most children of the Harvest Plains, had been raised on a brand of fairy tales in which heroes of all descriptions regularly escaped from the most daunting dungeons imaginable, not just once or twice but as many as half a dozen times in the same story.