The Walrus and the Warwolf

by Hugh Cook

Arabin. For she knew you not as Drake Douay. Only Yot knew you as that.'

  'And where is this Yot? In Selzirk?'

  'No. He returned to Stokos, to manage my temple's affairs. He's high priest now.'

  'An interesting story,' said Drake, smirking. 'You speak of a woman who knew a man called Arabin lol Arabin. Another man knows of no Arabin, but knows of a Drake Douay. He takes the girl to you, and by this means you identify this Arabin as Drake. At a distance, sight unseen. Is this black magic, or what?'

  'I saw you with my own eyes,' said Muck. 'The very next day. It was in the square in front of City Hall in Runcorn.'

  'What was I doing?'

  'Standing on a balcony.'

  'What? Admiring sunsets and singing them to sleep with fancy poetry?'

  'No, for it was not evening but bright day. Besides, you have no poetry. You were shouting. At a mob.'

  'A mob, was it? And was I shouting at them to burn the city, aye, and plunder it? Or was I seeking order?'

  'You were seeking your life, for they were out to kill you. They'd recognized the evil of your religion.'

  'So what did I say to them? Did I beg for mercy?'

  'No. You promised them war.'

  'War? The kind of war that Elkor Alish made? An attack on Androlmarphos? An invasion of Selzirk?'

  'No,' said Muck, 'for you lack the imagination for such. Your war was to be against the ragged bands which roam the Lezconcarnau Plains.'

  'So did I speak of Selzirk in my plans for war?'

  'No.'

  'Are you sure?'

  'You . . . why, yes, you spoke of selling slaves to Selzirk. And, shortly after, you cried out to thousands that you were Arabin lol Arabin. Then the crowd ran riot.'

  'Then what happened?'

  T saw you not, for I was fighting for my own life.' 'So when did you see me next?'

  'About a season later. I was preaching in Selzirk when you turned up and shouted at me.'

  'What did I shout? Of religion? Or of a woman?'

  'Of a woman.'

  'What woman was this?'

  'Zanya Kliedervaust, a pilgrim from the Ebrells.' 'The same woman who had been in Runcorn?' 'Yes,' said Muck. 'The one that I have spoken of in my testimony.'

  'What means she to you?'

  'She is the guardian of my purity.'

  'Your whore?' said Drake.

  'I am a holy man!' said Muck, his voice rising in outrage. 'How can the Court let this - this criminal accuse me of whoring?'

  'The defence,' said Judge Syrphus, easily, 'has a very free hand in the courts of Selzirk. As does indeed the prosecution. We think our justice no worse for it. Do you beg to differ?'

  'My lord,' said Gouda Muck, 'I, as a stranger, would scarce set out to reform the courts of Selzirk.'

  'Then answer the question!' said Drake. 'What was Zanya to you?'

  'The guardian of my purity,' said Gouda Muck. 'As I've said already.'

  Drake had thought to defend himself by showing Muck as a sexual rival. He had failed - for the moment. He tried another tack: to show Muck up as a madman.

  'And why must you have such a guardian?' asked Drake.

  'To preserve my holiness.'

  'And why are you holy?'

  'Because I am the flesh of the Flame.'

  'You mean you live in fire, like one of these salamanders we sometimes hear of? Or that the skin beneath your robes is red, like that of the people of Ebrell? Or what?'

  'I mean that I am the High God of All Gods.'

  'You mean,' said Drake, 'a priest, surely. Surely the word meant was priest, not god.'

  'No,' said Muck. T am a god! Not any god, but the High God of All Gods!'

  'Have you always known this?' said Drake.

  'No.'

  'Then how did you first come to know yourself as a god?'

  'Why, the Flame told me.'

  'Describe this Flame,' said Drake.

  'It was purple,' said Muck. 'It leaped out of the furnace. It yelled at me.'

  At this, there was tittering in the Court. But Drake kept a straight face.

  'There seems to be confusion of identity,' said Drake. 'You have told us you are the Flame. Now you tell us the Flame lives in the furnace, and speaks to you. Which is which?'

  'This takes us into the realms of higher theology,' said Muck. 'You would not understand.'

  'I am but an ignorant runaway apprentice,' said Drake. 'A poor fool, who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other. But the evidence is for the Court, not me. Do you say the Court would not understand?'

  T say nothing of the kind,' said Muck.

  And Drake drew him into a long discourse on theology, which the Court indulged because it was tolerably amusing, and because the law of Selzirk placed few limits on the range of a cross-examination.

  'So you know of religion through revelation,' said Drake. 'Now we have heard a document of sorts, a document called, if I remember right, The Book of Witness. Is this a record you have somehow conjured up out of the air, by means of revelation?'

  'No,' said Muck, swiftly, thinking he saw what Drake was attempting to do. 'This is a true, correct and complete account of your doings in Runcorn.'

  'Who says it?'

  'The man I bought it off.'

  'When and where?'

  'In Runcorn itself, the morning of that riot which I have already spoken of.'

  'You bought this, then, in the heat of a riot? Snatched it from his hand and tossed him a few coppers?'

  'Not at all! We met at dawn, and talked until the sun was well up in the sky. His name was Aard Lox. He was a scribe who had, for reasons unknown to me, much faith in you. He offered this copy of his work for sale, meaning to enlighten me. He talked at length, with great sincerity, convincing me that everything he'd written was true.'

  'So the proof of the truth of this record, then,' said Drake, 'rests on the word of this man. You believed him, or so you say. Why?'

  'Because he was honest, and I am a judge of honesty - which you are not, having none yourself. And because he was so exact in all the particulars he recounted.'

  'Ah,' said Drake, 'but surely the voices of others would help convince the Court. Could we not have this Yot come back from Stokos to evidence to some few claims you've made? Surely he has no pressing duties there? After all, the religion of Stokos is the worship of the demon Hagon. So how can the high priest of the Flame have matters of importance there?'

  'Because Hagon has been overthrown, as you know very well,' said Drake.

  T am but an ignorant apprentice,' said Drake. 'I know nothing. Tell the Court how Hagon came to be overthrown.'

  And Muck told.

  Willingly.

  'Now,' said Drake, 'some words I heard in The Book of Witness which I'm not sure I heard aright. Would you read them out, please, you having scholarship which I lack. Read them, and tell the Court if it's all to rights with the document. It's Vision the fifth, verses twelve through fourteen.'

  Muck read the verses, and testified that they were part of the true and correct record given to him by Aard Lox. 'Thank you,' said Drake. 'You may sit.'

  53

  Whereupon there was uproar of surpassing greatness.

  But the Record showed the answer of Lachish as 'No.'

  Then did Arabin call attention to the answer shown in the Record, and say unto Lachish: 'If thou hast not tasted these pleasures, wherefore dost thou speak of the goodness or the badness thereof?'

  Verses 12-14, Vision the Fifth, The Book of Witness

  As Gouda Muck resumed his seat, Drake saw Zanya enter the courthouse, and guessed that she was next witness for the prosecution. Their eyes met, briefly, giving him no hint of what she felt or thought. This was fearful dangerous! Who could tell what the woman would say?

  'Man,' said Drake. 'I mean, my lord judge. We've heard Gouda Muck speak plain. He's a nutter. Right? A lunatic! A madman, no less. So I reckon it's time to throw out these charges Muck's brought, before we go any further.'

>   Judge Syrphus stirred himself on his chair of bones, adjusted his feathered head-dress, scratched at his goatskins then spoke:

  'The mad have as many rights under Selzirk law as do the sane. Indeed, it has been argued in quarters that only a madman would go to law to start with - therefore to abolish the rights of the mad to law would be to abolish the rights of all.'

  'But,' protested Drake, 'the man's got a head full of nonsense!'

  'We have other witnesses yet to speak,' said the judge. 'They themselves may well prove rational enough. With luck, we'll have evidence enough to condemn you.'

  'You want to condemn me?' said Drake.

  'Nothing personal,' said the judge. 'But I do have a quota to make.'

  Drake started sweating. This was proving harder than he had thought. He felt as if he had been at sword nonstop for a moon and a day.

  Well.

  He would do his best.

  'Aagh,' he said, clearing his throat. He was about to spit when he remembered himself. Proceeding in his best lawyerly manner (which he had learnt by watching Garimanthea in Runcorn), he said: 'We have heard evidence from Gouda Muck. The prosecutor spoke once he'd finished with the man, so I suppose I may do the same.'

  'You are right.' said the Clerk of the Court. 'You are at liberty to make an address to the Court after finishing with each witness.'

  'Then that I do,' said Drake. 'Although I do it but poorly, for I be a sorry runaway apprentice who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other.'

  He took a deep breath. His future was on the line, if not his very life. This had better be good.

  'Gouda Muck, as you have heard, knows me well as Drake Douay, for he had me as apprentice for year on year on Stokos.

  'Now I have the greatest respect for Gouda Muck, for it was he who taught me how to shape steel, aye, and the temperature at which tilps jiffle.'

  This last claim sounded entirely innocuous to the Court, but in the Ligin of Stokos it was extremely obscene, and brought Gouda Muck to his feet with a roar.

  'Sit and be silent!' shouted the judge, before Muck could speak. 'Are you mad, man?'

  Guards took up position on either side of Muck, ready to suppress him immediately if he interrupted again.

  'Aye,' said Drake. T respected Muck. But there was a strangeness about him at times. Sometimes he'd leap to his feet and roar for no reason, as you've just seen.'

  Muck's face started to turn purple with rage. How very interesting! Drake wondered if Muck would have a stroke and die on the spot, like Nabajoth of Runcorn. Wondering (and hoping) he continued:

  'Other times,' said Drake, 'this worthy scholar would beat me, aye, with kicks, cudgels, fists and walls, and missiles into the bargain. That you've heard from his own testimony.

  'But did I ever fight back?

  'Nay. I hit not, kicked not, spat not. Gouda Muck has sworn as much, aye, sworn it on his beloved Flame before you all. I was gentle, man, like a dead fish nailed to a slab of wood by fifty nails each longer than a finger. He never got any violence out of me.

  'Likewise, by his own testimony, you know I did no damage to him and his, barring the trifling matter of the letter Ac0wae, knocked from a sword by accident. No harm he had of me till the day I was beaten once too often, and ran.

  'For I am mild by nature, and not built all that big, so I'd always rather run than fight. As for his mastersword, well, what can I say? Muck was a swordsmith making at least a blade every day, so what would one be more or less?'

  At this, Muck made a determined effort to stand and shout. A gag was slapped into his mouth, and he was carried from the courtroom.

  'Poor man!' said Drake. T hope he's right by the morrow. As I say, he had his funny moods. But he was good in his day, aye, and taught me much. Mad as he is, no doubt he told the Court the truth as he sees it. Let's look at this truth.

  'Muck claims I was cook's boy on a pirate ship. Well, that's true enough, I won't deny it. As I've told the Court already, I'm a gentle chap, with precious little fight in my bones. So I was low in the rank when I were with the pirates, for I never had the heart to match cutlass with cutlass, or do foul things to fair women captured.

  'As Gouda Muck has told the Court, my time on the pirate ships saw me diligent in prayer, raising my voice to the god I was taught to worship when I were but a lad, scraping around for whatever sacrifices lay within my means.

  'The Court sees me, then, for what I am - shy, pious, eager for religion. And never raising a hand against the man who kicked and beat me all those years.

  'Now, on to Runcorn. What has Muck to tell of Runcorn? Why, that he got there one evening and left the next night, or thereabouts. And did he see me much in all that time? Why, from his own testimony, no.

  'For he spent the first evening resting at the inn. Next morning he spent deep in conversation with some Aard Lox. Who's he? I never heard of him before today, I'll tell you that for real.

  'Anyway. This Aard Lox sells Muck a certain document you've all heard tell of. The Book of Witness. Aye. Well, paper's one thing, truth's another. There's people in Selzirk making a right good living selling maps to cities of buried treasure. Aye. The maps sell well - that's why they're treasure maps.'

  Laughter from the audience. The judge frowned.

  T didn't mean for them to laugh!' protested Drake. 'But it's true! There's fools who will believe anything. As for Muck - what wouldn't the man believe, him with his Flame and all? What I'm saying is, let's not believe everything that's down on paper. If all such is believable, then there's an ocean of treasure out there!'

  No laughter this time.

  Drake continued:

  'Anyway, with paper purchased, Muck goes to a square to find there's a riot. Did I start it? No. Muck himself says

  I was doing my best to stop it. And how? By talking the people from looting to the honest business of slaving, which, as the Court knows well, is highly respected in Selzirk as elsewhere.

  'You've had all kind of sorry troubles come from out of the north, but, as Muck has told it well, I was never mixed with any mad plans for invading Selzirk.

  'Now how long did Muck see me for? Scarce long enough to hear me shout that I was Arabin lol Arabin. After that, he had troubles of his own.

  'Out of this little, Muck makes much. A handful of words. Some paper bought from a stranger. From that, he makes me ruler of Runcorn. A strange turn of events!

  'As the Court has heard, for years I was meek, mild, yielding without anger to all kinds of punishment, praying most diligent to my god, doing a humble job as cook in a sea ship's kitchen. But next moment I'm suddenly conjured into this conqueror of Runcorn, a terrible swordsman who kills people in open duel, and all the rest of the wild things you've heard.

  'Now the truth is easy enough explained. I parted from the pirates right enough, for reasons you'll know yourselves by now. That wasn't my style. They'd probably have murdered an innocent boy like me if I'd kept with them that much longer. So I took to shore, and to honest work.

  'My apprenticeship I never finished. Aye. That's much to be regretted. But I could cook. So in Runcorn I got a job as cook of sorts, aye, for this Arabin lol Arabin. Now he was a mighty magnificent man, and right bloody dangerous into the bargain. But what means his name, Arabin lol Arabin? Why, in Galish it's plain enough: it means he was the son of some fellow Arabin.

  'But, me, I'm the son of Teff Douay, the nephew of Oleg Douay, the grandson of Vytor Douay, and so on back through fifty generations, all of them Douay. So I could never have any Arabin as my father, that's for real.

  'Anyhow.

  'There I was in Runcorn, scratching an honest living as cook for this Arabin lol Arabin, when he came upon troubles which I don't rightly pretend to understand; seeing as I'm not political at all, I don't hold with messing with the business of me betters. And in the riot he was killed.

  'So.

  'Something had to be done, or these anarchist types who were rioting would have torn the town apart. Now, I'm n
ot a man of action, but I felt it my duty to try. So up I got on my two hind legs, and tried to turn them from reckless riots to honest slaving, which, as all the world knows, is an admirable kind of enterprise to be engaged in.

  'But they wouldn't answer to my leadership. So I thought myself to impress them with the fact that the old leader was dead - partly because it was his death they were raging for, so if they knew him finished the trouble would die down. So I went to shout out that "I am here with the news that Arabin lol Arabin is dead."

  'But that's a proper mouthful, and I'm no speaker. So in the heat of the moment, my tongue tripped upside down, and nothing cameoutbut "lam Arabin lol Arabin". Well, and the worthy Gouda Muck heard that right enough, and a lot of misunderstanding there's been of it since.

  'Let's talk about these treasure maps Muck bought, some papers called The Book of Witness, all about this Arabin fellow. There was one bit I didn't hear right the first time, so I got it read out a second, aye, and Gouda Muck swore it was told right to the Court.

  'You all heard it.

  'There was hot words said in the City Hall in Runcorn. A regular uproar, after which none knew just what had been said. But there was some Record, which must mean a Record in writing. And you've heard that this Arabin fellow called attention to what the Record said, which was "No".

  'Was that me?

  'How could it have been?

  'For I be but an ignorant apprentice, who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other. I couldn't read in any Record to save my life.

  'Now, after I left Runcorn, I came to this fair city of Selzirk, most beautiful city I've ever set eyes on. And, bye and bye, I heard how Muck was in town. Aye, with a woman Zanya with him.

  'Now this fancy document which Muck picked up in Runcorn, it tells how Arabin lol Arabin had a woman named Zanya. Now so he did. But I had a woman, too, and her name was also Zanya. And the Court won't deny that two women can share the same name. Now I'm a mild fellow, as the Court's heard, but there's one time when I did fight true.'

  And Drake looked at Zanya. And she gazed back at him. And he knew she was sitting in judgment on him. She would be called to the witness stand next. And she would make his life or break it. Yes.

  'Zanya,' he said, making love to her name as he spoke it. 'I saw her first when I was floating in the sea, a horizon away from Stokos. I was the sole survivor of a shipwreck. I fell in love with her then at first sight. But cruel circumstances later parted us. I was never able to court her as I wished to.