To Have and to Hold

by Riley Knight

  Only he wasn’t expecting to open the door and find Justin standing right there.

  * * *

  Ran had never felt as vulnerable as he did at that moment, facing his best friend. Watching as those bright gray eyes turned a much darker gunmetal gray, just staring at each other.

  Naked and dripping water, Ran felt like he could barely breathe. He knew he should laugh it off. Should explain about the towel, should act like the whole thing was just really funny.

  It would be, with anyone else. It was comedy gold, really, but Ran wasn’t laughing. No, he was just staring, and so was Justin, and that moment between them seemed to last forever.

  “Dinner’s ready,” Justin finally said, his voice low, barely audible. No doubt he was intensely embarrassed by all of this. Why else would he sound like that?

  It was like those two words broke the spell, and Ran nodded. Quickly, he reached around Justin and grabbed a towel, quickly wrapping it around himself.

  It would be far too easy to get aroused by this, which was messed up. Like it or not, though, he wanted Justin, and having those eyes on him, even in judgment, did strange things to him.

  “There was no towel in here,” Ran belatedly tried to explain. He hadn’t intended for this to happen. He hadn’t even known that Justin was there.

  “Okay,” Justin said, and then, mercifully, he was gone.

  * * *

  Dinner was a relatively quiet affair. Ran didn’t know what Justin was thinking about, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. His own thoughts were quite enough for him to handle at the moment.

  It was becoming more and more clear to him that he was completely and totally screwed.

  If it had been anyone else, he would have had options. He could walk away completely. Or he could be brave and just turn to the man and kiss him and see what happened.

  But this was Justin, and Ran had too much to lose to take that risk. Over and over, he’d reminded himself of that, because it seemed that constant reminders were necessary.

  The dinner they’d made together was quite good, but Ran barely noticed. When it was done, he got up without a word and started to wash the dishes.

  His only hope, he realized, was to be asleep before Justin came to bed. If he were already asleep, hopefully, he wouldn’t do anything too foolish when Justin joined him.

  So, though it was very early for that, Ran bid Justin a quiet, restrained goodnight, and then headed off to the bedroom. Honestly, he was pretty tired. He had been for hours, but the sexual tension he was feeling made that far too easy to ignore.

  Instead, he settled down in bed, pulling the light covers over himself. Even at night here, it wasn’t that chilly, and the sheet was enough. He’d stripped down to just his underwear when he’d gotten in, but even so, he wasn’t at all cold.

  What he was, he suddenly realized, was lonely. Desperately, heartbreakingly lonely. And unfortunately, the only person that he wanted to help him with that loneliness was only available to him as a friend.

  Which was, as he reminded himself over and over again, better than nothing.

  Chapter Ten

  Justin

  The image of Ran standing in the bathroom door, completely naked and damp and flushed from the heat, that was an image that would be with Justin for the rest of his life.

  Justin knew he shouldn’t have stared. It had made things so damn awkward for the rest of the evening, and things had been going so well. They’d had a lot of fun on the beach. They’d met those two girls who seemed nice … and then Justin had ruined it.

  It had been an honest mistake. He had just been raising his hand to knock, to tell Ran that their dinner was ready, when the door had suddenly opened. It was no one’s fault.

  But Justin hadn’t been able to tear his eyes away, and surely, Ran had noticed.

  It was impossible not to look. Ran naked was even more glorious than Ran clothed. With narrow hips, a slender waist, long legs, and broader shoulders than Justin would have expected, Ran looked like a god.

  No wonder Ran had gotten freaked out and run off.

  It was late, Justin would guess about midnight, but still surprisingly warm out. Justin sat outside on their patio, looking out at the silvery darkness of the ocean and at how the silver was reflected in the sky as bright stars.

  Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, it was beautiful.

  Justin was tired. He had been for a while, but he’d let Ran go to bed first, and he’d given him plenty of time to get to sleep. Ran wanted to avoid him that much was clear.

  Well, that hurt, but Justin hoped that if he gave his friend his space, he wouldn’t lose him entirely. Meanwhile, he just had to get himself together. Control himself.

  It was probably late enough, he decided, to go inside and get some sleep himself. Ran had had plenty of time to fall asleep. So Justin walked inside very quietly, walking to the bedroom, where the door had been left open.

  The sound of Ran’s quiet breathing was the only thing he heard, and he nodded. Quickly he undressed, right down to his boxers, and then slipped into bed beside his best friend.

  His husband.

  Very quietly, in the dark, he looked at him. This was some serious creeper territory, and he knew it, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. And it was better to look than to touch, right?

  Ran lay very still, and Justin bit at his own lower lip. Rolling onto his side, he seriously tried to talk himself out of what he wanted to do. What he knew he was going to do before he’d even done it.

  He failed.

  Carefully, he reached out and brushed his fingers over Ran’s pretty face, tracing his high cheekbones. Just once, he told himself. No one would ever know, and he would never do it again.

  When he went to pull his hand away, though, Ran gave a soft moan, like he was protesting it.

  With a groan, Justin laid down again, incredibly conflicted. He shifted a little closer to Ran, as though drawn by his heat, and Ran shifted closer to him, too. It was subtle, but it was there, he was sure of it.

  But it would be very wrong for him to touch Ran in his sleep. Yes, he wanted to pull down those sheets, and he wanted to see how much Ran was wearing. He wanted another glimpse of that beautiful body under those sheets, and that was the least of what he wanted.

  He was many things, but he was not the kind of guy who molested people in their sleep.

  “Ran, you have to wake up if you want this,” Justin whispered. He knew what he wanted. He didn’t know if Ran wanted the same, and that made it even more important. “That’s the only way …”

  He stopped then because Ran’s eyes were open.

  “Ran …?” Justin started, and then he was cut off very suddenly. Ran wrapped his fingers around the back of Justin’s neck and pulled him down until their lips met.

  This time, there was nothing to stop them. No timer. No cheering wedding guests. They were alone, and they had all night, and Justin could let himself fully engage in the kiss.

  It was even better because of that.

  There was very little hurry from either of them, but a lot of heat. Justin parted his lips and found that Ran was doing the same so that their tongues could tangle sweetly.

  As they kissed, Ran rolled onto his side so that his whole body was pressed against Justin’s, from their shoulders all the way down to their hips. Somehow, even that didn’t feel close enough, and Justin pushed his leg between Ran’s, linking them together, anchoring them.

  There was no more talking. Miraculously, at that moment, at least, Ran wanted him. Justin decided right then and there that he would deal with whatever else happened later. If there were consequences, he would just have to accept them, because he was utterly powerless to stop it.

  Maybe Ran felt the same way because he was eager in Justin’s arms.

  Justin found his hips moving, seeking out Ran’s hardness and rubbing against it. So hard, so hot, and bigger than Justin would have expected from how slender Ran was. He couldn’t st
op rubbing, couldn’t stop nudging his own erection against Ran’s, desperate for any sort of friction that he could get.

  Over and over, they kissed, tongues and lips meeting and parting only to come together again.

  Justin didn’t spare any thought for where this was going. Even just kissing Ran was more than he would have expected. But then he felt Ran’s slender fingers tugging at the waistband of his boxers.

  There was no chance at all of Justin turning this down. If Ran wanted him naked, he would be naked, and he squirmed out of the underwear and let Ran toss them aside. It was better like that, anyway, rutting against the slightly rough fabric of Ran’s own underwear.

  It seemed like the more Justin got, the more Ran gave, the more Justin wanted. He gave a soft, desperate little growl as he tugged down Ran’s underwear, too, pulling the boxer briefs down and tossing them aside.

  As he did, he got so close to that cock, so damn close, and once more, he found he couldn’t resist. He had to trace his fingers along the hot length of it, to rub his thumb over the blunt, thick head, collecting up the pearl of precome there and smearing it over it.

  Ran uttered the most adorable, perfect, sexy little cry, and Justin smirked as he kept on touching him. It seemed that Ran didn’t mind, so Justin started to stroke him.

  It wasn’t his first time with a guy, and he knew what he was doing. He watched Ran’s face to make sure that the other man liked it, and adjusted his grip so that he was touching him the way that made Ran make the best noises.

  The very best reaction came when Justin’s fingers ran over the bottom of that thick cock, right where the head met the shaft. When he rubbed there, Ran was pretty much putty in his hands, which was absolutely incredible.

  He got a little smug when he saw how Ran writhed for him, how he was soon thrusting his hips up to get every bit of stimulation that Justin could give him. That smugness didn’t last long, though, because soon enough, Ran was reaching out, and his strong fingers wrapped around Justin in return, stroking him with just as much skill as Justin was touching Ran.

  Justin lost it then. He went just a little bit insane as he stroked Ran, kissing him over and over again as they moved together. Ran was touching in a way that was far too perfect, and the orgasm, when it happened, was going to be incredible.

  It wasn’t going to take long, either. The two of them grappled with each other, writhed together, and Justin was just glad when Ran came first. He had been building up so fast, and he’d been afraid he would shoot off too soon, but when Ran did it, it was like permission for him to do the same.

  Justin groaned as pleasure wracked his body, filling him completely. He shot all over Ran’s hand, aware of the stickiness of the other man’s come on his own hand, aware that he’d made Ran come, too.

  God, he’d made his best friend come.

  Lying there, covered in sweat and his own fluids, as well as Ran’s, Justin realized what he’d done. He’d crossed a line with Ran, and he wasn’t sure exactly what it meant to his best friend, or why Ran had done it at all.

  All he really knew was that he felt like he’d crossed some sort of line with his best friend, and it wasn’t one that he was sure he could cross back over again.

  * * *

  There was no talking. That was probably a good thing, because what would Justin say that wouldn’t make it worse? He couldn’t lie and say that he was sorry it had happened.

  It had been the best sex that he’d had with anyone of any gender, and he wasn’t going to dishonor that by pretending that it hadn’t been.

  Maybe Ran didn’t know what to say, either. They’d silently cleaned up and then Ran had gone back to sleep.

  Sometimes Justin had a hard time sleeping, and he would have expected this to be one of those times.

  It wasn’t. He was simply too tired, and his body was done, no matter what his brain thought about it. He was out, and in the morning, when he woke up, Ran was already out of bed and, from the smells of it, he’d found things to make for breakfast.

  It was a quiet breakfast, and when it was done, Justin started to clean up since Ran had cooked.

  “There’s pretty much no food left,” Ran said, finally saying something to Justin. “I’m going to head into town to do some shopping.”

  Justin nodded and waited, but Ran didn’t invite him along. Why should he?

  “Okay,” Justin said quietly, and then waited for Ran to leave. It was only once Ran was gone that Justin started to wonder if maybe his friend had been waiting for him, too. Waiting for him to ask if he was welcome.

  Justin didn’t know. He just didn’t know, about a great many things, and by the time this vacation was over, he had to wonder if he’d even have a friendship left.

  * * *

  It was a lovely morning, at least.

  Justin got the little house neat and tidy in record time, then went to sit out on the porch again. Idly, he hoped that Ran would bring back some beer. Or, hey, since they were in Hawaii, maybe the makings of some tropical drinks, the sort of thing that Justin would never touch anywhere else but which seemed sort of perfect for this climate.

  He’d looked around, but there wasn’t a lot to do. He could go swimming, he supposed, or take down one of the books that had been left for them on a little bookshelf. But he’d never been much of a reader. Well, actually, that was understating the case. It was a rare occasion when he read a book all the way through.

  Then he found the ukulele.

  It wasn’t quite a guitar. It was smaller, and it had four strings instead of two, and the tuning was different. But it was a musical instrument, and Justin quickly lost himself in playing it.

  He didn’t even notice when Ran’s car pulled up, he was that lost.

  It was a different sort of sound, but not without its charm, he decided. Eventually, he decided to sing along, just a popular pop song, and he found the whole thing very amusing but also pretty cool.

  He was usually pretty aware when he was being watched, but the exception to that was when he was lost in his music. Maybe it was just a ukulele that he was playing, but it was still music, and he threw himself into it completely.

  He did notice when someone wandered up the path that led to the beach. That blonde girl. Was it Stacy? He wasn’t that great with names, but yeah, he was pretty sure it was Stacy. The one who had been with the bubbly redhead.

  Idly, he kept toying with the strings of the instrument. Which was really something, because once, he wouldn’t have been confident enough in his ability to do it in front of someone else, much less a near stranger.

  “Hey,” he greeted her easily enough and gave her a bit of a smile. He didn’t know her well, but she’d seemed nice enough, if quiet. Well, so was Justin so he could understand that. “Have a seat, if you want.”

  “Hey,” she said, walking up to him. “Amber wanted to make sure you guys were still coming tonight.”

  She did, in fact, pull one of the plastic chairs over to drape herself elegantly over it.

  “Yeah, that’s the plan,” Justin said, his fingers plucking out a tune on the instrument. He was definitely still learning. It wasn’t exactly like a guitar. “If you’re still into it.”

  She gave him a smile and a nod and then gestured with her head at the instrument.

  “You play?” she asked, and he laughed and shrugged a little.

  “That’s a bit of an overstatement. I’m better with the guitar,” he admitted. It felt odd to talk about it, but sort of good, too.

  “I play. That’s what I do back home,” Stacy admitted. “Classic struggling musician, playing at bars and coffee shops and wherever else will hire me.”

  Justin perked up. Music was a topic that he was always interested in, though he never talked about his own involvement. But he could listen to people talk about it for hours, especially if they really liked it.

  “Yeah? How’s that?” he asked, and he really did want to know. If he were braver, more willing to share his music, maybe he coul
d work at that instead of his crappy fast food job.

  Not that he’d ever really given any serious consideration to it. Thinking about it was more like a pipe dream than anything serious and solid. Almost like dreaming about winning the lottery.

  “It pays the bills,” she said, and maybe she meant to sound wry, but Justin could hear how proud of herself she was. He could understand. To get to make a living doing what you loved, that was a rare thing.

  “You know, you’re pretty good,” she said, after a long silence that wasn’t quite uncomfortable. “You ever consider trying to make some money doing that? You’re good enough.”

  Justin laughed. That idea was completely new to him.

  “Nah, I’m not good enough,” he said, surprised. No one had ever suggested that before, but then, he hardly let very many people hear him play. His mother had always told him he was wasting his time, and the people in his old apartment building had been too busy throwing things around to even notice, as far as he knew.

  “Yeah, you are,” another voice came from behind them. Both Stacy and Justin turned around, surprised by the fact that someone was listening.

  Ran looked upset, for some reason. The way he looked at Stacy was really not all that nice, and the girl frowned, but got to her feet, clearly feeling that her welcome had been worn out.

  “I’ll see you guys tonight,” she said. “Around seven?”

  Justin nodded but didn’t look away from Ran. Something was wrong, but he couldn’t tell what. Ran was avoiding his eyes.

  In someone else, Justin would have assumed that they were jealous. But about what? Besides, that was ridiculous. Ran had no reason to be jealous, and he wouldn’t be, anyway, because that would mean that he wanted Justin.

  But then what did that mean, the things they’d done the previous night? Justin just didn’t know. He’d considered himself lucky that they’d happened, but he’d tried to make no assumptions either way.