Broken Song

by Erik Schubach

  She smiled at the boy and we exited his curtain. Then with a silly voice Sandra said loudly, “Oh my, I seem to have an extra animal today. Oh what am I to do with Tinkerbell?”

  There were some cute “Me, me, mes,” coming from the curtains.

  Sandra turned to one partition. “Was that Yvette chiming out first?” There was a strong giggle from behind the curtain and we stepped through to a sixteen or seventeen year old girl. She had the bed adjusted so she was sitting up as she sketched in a book. There was something sticking in her neck that looked like a valve. I tried not to look at it and just smiled at the girl. She was gaunt but there was such sparkling life twinkling in her eyes. An undeniable strength. Even bald this girl was a beauty. She reminded me so much of my daughters.

  Sandra made a show of unzipping the door on the carrier then plopped the carrier onto Yvette's lap. She started to speak, “My partner in crime over there is...”

  “Penny Franklin.” Yvette finished for her softly. “Gawd I love your music.” Then she held her finger to lips before anyone could respond and whispered, “But you're just Penny here right?”

  I winked at her. “Right. What you working on there?”

  She handed me her sketchbook and retrieved Tinkerbell from the carrier and proceeded to nuzzle and cuddle her. I flipped through the pages with Sandra leaning on my back to look. Her heat was leaching into my back and I found myself pleasantly distracted until I looked at the artwork. I was floored, this was museum quality work. The things portrayed were fantastical and amazing. A unicorn standing tall and proud in a meadow with the wind whipping its mane. It looked so real you could almost reach out and touch it.

  I stopped on one page, it was unmistakeable. Sandra floating on a cloud of cavaliers with that smile I can't seem to get enough of. I felt a lurch that felt like the blonde in question, who was still leaning on my back, was stopping a sob. I quickly went to the next picture. I was on the verge of tears of my own and I had absolutely no idea why. “These are beautiful Yvette.”

  She looked up from petting Tinkerbell and shrugged with a grin. “Well life IS beautiful. I just draw it as I see it Penny.” Then she looked at Sandra. “How long you two going to hang around? I sent mom off to the cafeteria. She'd love to see you when she gets back.”

  Sandra grinned. “About an hour or so. Then we'll need to go get ourselves fed.”

  The girl smiled. “Cool.”

  Sandra raised a finger and was about to say something when the girl giggled and cut her off. “Yes 'mother'. No more than an hour for Tinkerbell before she needs to go back in the carrier. They frown upon the little gifts she may leave behind otherwise.”

  Sandra stuck her tongue out at the girl who just crinkled her nose in response. Then I was being dragged out of the ward by the warm hand in mine. She slipped her fingers between mine as we exited. Then she took in a huge breath and re-centered herself. I followed suit then she said quietly as she led me across the hall, “That is the terminal end stage ward. I love them all like they were my own. I am so proud of how strong each and every one of them are.”

  There was an ache inside me where my heart should be. But Sandra locked eyes with me, pulling me back to safety. We paused at more doors where she waved at another nurse at the station, “This is the recovery ward. My children in remission. We get a random lot in here as they just stay for chemo or other treatment then go home between bouts.”

  She pushed the doors open in a flourish and stepped through like a stage magician. Almost immediately a child squealed, “Sandra!” A young bald boy, maybe twelve ran up and engulfed her in a hug. He was taller than my little blondie.

  “Gack! You're crushing me Andy.” She giggled.

  This experience wound up being a great decompression from the pain I felt in the other ward. Everyone was full of energy and hope. We had a blast basically having fun with the gathered kids that ranged from a tiny four year old girl to a seventeen year old boy who almost had a heart attack when he realized who I was. Their parents were all watchful but upbeat.

  One of the nurses broke out a box with all kinds of hats and wigs. We all had fun trying them on. One girl put a platinum blond wig on her bald head and said with an impish grin on her face, “Look everyone! I'm Sandra!” She literally danced around the room hugging everyone. We all giggled and laughed as Sandra blushed.

  Then Sandra checked the time and spoke up, “Well children, there are others in need of us today. I love you all and I hope I never see you in here again!” They all chimed in that they hoped they would never see her in here again either.

  Hugs were passed out like cookies and then I was being dragged by the smiling imp out and down the hall again. She whispered in front of a set of doors that had “Burn Ward, Positive Pressure” etched in the glass windows. “Now more than ever, don't react. Just smile and make eye contact.” I nodded slowly. Did I want to do this? I didn't like the pain in my heart and head or the emotions swirling around that I couldn't identify.

  Then we pushed through the doors. A doctor dressed in a paper gown and a hairnet by the door smiled at us. “Hi Sandra. Who's your... Jesus!”

  Sandra had a finger placed against his lips. “She's just Penny here, Ephraim.” He was nodding and she released her finger squinting an eye and shaking her finger at him in a scolding manner.

  He grinned and slumped his shoulders. “Yes Sandra,” he droned to her grinning amusement. Before I knew it I was being handed a hairnet and a paper gown.

  Sandra donned a set then we washed our hands in a sink and stood at the segmented plastic sheet draped across the entrance area. Then she said in a loud singsong manner. “Oh my, I wonder if there is anyone in this room.”

  A chorus of, “Sandra!” and cheers came from a group of kids on the other side as we pushed through the plastic sheet into a room sectioned off by plastic curtains that resembled the cancer ward setup.

  I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. Through sheer force of will I kept the smile on my face when a tiny young girl came running up and hugged Sandra. Half her face was twisted and disfigured by burns and she had no right ear. Her hair was spotty on the right side and her right eye was a milky white color. I swear a little part of me died inside knowing what this poor girl would go through most of her life, but she was nothing but innocent smiles right now.

  There were a few adults around in gowns and hairnets, no doubt parents of some of the kids. A couple other young kids, maybe around nine or ten years old, with less severe burns on their arms or legs came up and hugged her too. A man nodded at us with a smile.

  Sandra was nothing but smiles and said, “Hey, everyone. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Penny. I bet if you ask her really nice, she would sing a song for you. Betty, can you get the guitar please?” The tiny one ran to the back and disappeared behind a plastic curtain, other people and children were popping out from partitions. The little one then reemerged with a old worn six string and ran right up to me, proudly offering the guitar.

  The cutest voice in the world came from the little girl. “Miss Penny. Could you pweese sing a song fer us?”

  I took the guitar and shot a frightened look at Sandra. Ephraim slid a couple exam stools toward us. I leaned in and whispered into Sandra's ear, “I... can't... Leather and Heels isn't appropriate here.”

  She whispered back, “I'm sure someone with a heart like yours has some... other... songs squirreled away.”

  I nodded reluctantly and we took our offered seats. I had my music the studios didn't want. The brighter and happier songs inspired by my daughters. It was silent and a few kids sat on the floor around me as others stood with the adults behind them. I took a second to tune the poorly kept instrument. Why the hell was I so nervous? I've played in stadiums with fifty thousand crazed fans. But this seemed... more important... and it scared the hell out of me.

  I looked down at the guitar taking a deep breath. Then noticed there were signatures all over the body of the guitar. I recognized Kimi and Sky
lar Roth's, Karen Thresh, that hot new pink haired pop singer Amber LaLanie, and a few others. I glanced over to Sandra who saw me looking at the names. She smiled smugly and shot a far too cute grin at me that warmed me up in some interesting places. She knows all these performers?

  I finally exhaled and looked around and started gently strumming as I spoke, “I wrote this one for my daughters when they were five. They are such an inspiration to me and remind me that there is good in this world.”

  I started picking and let the words come. It was a fun, upbeat number with a slight edge to it. It was the embodiment of my children and their boundless energy. I shared the wonder of watching them grow into better people than I could ever hope to be. It conveyed the joy and amazement of something new that needed to be explored.

  When I hit the chorus the third and final time, Sandra chimed in. The pure innocence in her soprano was the perfect harmony to my raspier mezzo. I couldn't stop the smile that spread on my face and she finished the chorus then giggled as I finished the song. I couldn't pry my eyes off of her. The same question echoing through my head as I stared into her sparkling grey eyes. “Just who is she?” The only word I could apply was... angel.

  As I finished I gave a much restrained version of my trademark meeeeeeooowwww. Still taking her in with my eyes, a feeling of something beautiful and unexpected burning inside me. She bit her lower lip and started clapping with everyone else.

  A sort of mini impromptu concert sprang out of it. I was having so much fun making these children smile and laugh. Then we finished with everyone singing a rocker style Old McDonald Had A Farm.

  I was kind of sad it was over, but I got lots of hugs and we walked around to the beds of the children and parents who weren't able to gather around when we were singing. I turned and almost bumped into Sandra who had the most innocently coy and sexy look on her face, offering me a permanent marker and the guitar in her outstretched hands.

  I signed it and she leaned in and whispered in my ear, her hot breath causing tingly goosebumps on my neck, “You were wonderful Penny. You made them so happy.” Then she kissed my cheek gently, lingering a second then pulled back leaving a fire burning inside of me. She turned to hand the guitar to a waiting Betty who enthusiastically ran the guitar back to it's place in the ward.

  After another hug from Betty to both of us we said our goodbyes and once again, I was being dragged along by this little blonde nymph. She quickly laced our fingers this time.

  She let me know we were heading back to the cancer ward to retrieve the animals. I thought for a second then asked, “Why don't you bring the therapy dogs to the burn ward? I'm sure the kids there would love puppies just as much.”

  She was shaking her head like I was being silly. “We can't bring them in there, some of the burns are fresh and any stray hairs or dirt can cause an infection too easily. That's why we had to wear gowns and hairnets. But, in the rehab areas we can, since their skin is as healed as it will get by then. That's why I like to sing to the kids in the burn ward. It isn't the same, but it is a way to bring happiness to them. I suck on the guitar but do my best, I'm getting better though, I'm not quite as stupid when it comes to learning music for my children. I get Sky and Kim in as much as I can whenever they are in town as a special treat for them.”

  I winced. I hated it when she put herself down. I released her hand and pulled her beside me with a protective arm around her shoulder as we walked. I smiled softly at how she spoke of Skylar and Kimi Roth like they were just friends and not Satin Thunder. But then I wondered if they really were her friends. I can't see anyone not liking her once they met her.

  We waved at Tracy and a new nurse at the station as we walked through the doors to the cancer ward.

  Sandra looked at me and held a finger to her lips with a conspiratorial grin. Then loudly said, “Announce!”

  The cutest howling of four little dogs accompanied by the giggling and matching howling of a bunch of children filled the ward.

  If Sandra's smile could have gotten any bigger, it would have swallowed the galaxy. She crinkled her nose and squished her head down to her shoulders in one of her 'far too cute for human consumption' gestures. Then she said, “If you get Tinkerbell from Yvette, I'll round up the fuzzy kids.” She held up the empty leashes with a cute grin. “And I'll do a quick visit with the ones who didn't get an animal today.” I hate that she can get me to smile so easily. I smiled back and nodded and made my way to Yvette's curtain.

  At the curtain as I entered I said, “Knock knock.” Yvette looked up from her sketching with a dazzling smile. The occupied carrier sat on the ground beside a frazzled looking middle aged woman sitting in a chair beside Yvette's bed.

  “Hi, Penny!” The girl said. Then motioned toward the woman who was looking at me now. “This is my mom, Colette. Mom, this is Sandra's friend Penny.”

  The woman smirked a little as she looked between Yvette and me. She shook my hand and stated, “I know who you are. I've only listened to your music half my life.” Then she leaned in pretending to be discreet. “Don't let this one know though. She sees me as just an innocent mother.”

  Yvette snorted. “Oh please mother, you? Innocent?”

  Colette rolled her eyes. “I can pretend my darling. So you... shush.”

  Yvette just grinned. “Whatever you say mom.”

  I was enjoying their back and forth banter. It almost made me forget where we were and the inevitable for this child.

  Yvette spoke in a softer tone, shaking me out of it, “Hey Penny. It's only cancer, it doesn't define me. I am so grateful for every minute I get to share with everyone and to see the wonder of this world.”

  I looked over at her, was she reading my mind? She shrugged. “You looked so haunted over there for a second when you looked at me. But... there's also something more... isn't there?” She was squinting at me now and her eyes seemed to look into my soul.

  I looked at her with pleading eyes and shook my head. My current status at the forefront of my mind as well. She held a hand out toward me and I stepped over and grabbed it, she gave me an understanding squeeze then changed the subject. “So you came to liberate the fuzzballs, huh?”

  I nodded wordlessly. Then she tilted her head and then looked down at her pad and tore the page she was working on out and held it out to me with a smile. I took it and was floored at what I saw. It was a picture of Sandra and me smiling at each other with children gathered around us and puppies at their feet.

  I whispered, “My God Yvette, this is amazing. Have you submitted your work anywhere? It should be shared with the world.”

  She giggled and shrugged. “Well, I just shared it with you.”

  Colette smiled at both of us. “She has a gift for capturing what is right in front of us, all that we are too busy to see.”

  Then Yvette's smile faded and her look became more wistful as she said to me, “You're good for Sandra you know that Penny? She spends so much of her life trying to bring joy to others that she can't see how lonely she really is in this sea of people she takes care of. I didn't see that in her today. I hope you realize that. You should act on it, life is too short not to.” She was like a mountain sage. Her sharp eyes took in everything around her and she wasn't afraid of calling them like she saw them.

  The curtain opened and Sandra came walking in with her infectious smile on her face. She was being towed by four excited cavaliers. She saw Colette as she started standing and the two women hugged. “Hi, Colette. I'm glad I got a chance to see you before we left for the day. Yvette was taking care of Tinkerbell for me for a bit.”

  The puppies were trying so hard to crawl up onto Colette and she crouched to pat each of their heads. Then she grabbed the carrier and stood and handed it over to me with a smile.

  Yvette smiled then said, “I heard through the grapevine that you sang for the burn ward kids. Maybe next time you can sing for us too?” She looked hopeful.

  I grinned back. “Actually, that sounds fun. Why not?�
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  I was rewarded with a sparkling smile and I couldn't help myself, I stepped in and hugged the young girl and said, “I'll have something special for you next time. Bye Yvette.” I straightened and shook her mother's hand again. “And it was very nice meeting you Colette.”

  She nodded with a smile. “You too. Bye ladies.”

  Sandra snuck in some hugs and cheek kisses to the girl and her mom and we waved and made our way out to the ward doors where the blonde imp stopped and whispered, “Announce.”

  The dogs howled and we were met by the giggles and howling of the children in return. Then a little voice cried out, “I love you Monster!” Then Ranee came running out from her curtain with the parents peeking out as she ran up to us dragging her IV tree then leaned down to hug an excited Monster, then she waved cutely and ran back to her parents.

  I smiled as I watched her go, but then the prognosis of the children in this room came thundering down upon me again. This world really is cruel. I thought I was in control up until that point and Sandra grabbed my free hand with a concerned look on her face and dragged me through the doors as I started to cry. I handed her the rabbit carrier and ran into the restroom in the main hall. I cried for a minute then took a long, deep, shuddering breath and composed myself.

  I dried my eyes and checked my makeup and stepped back out to a patiently waiting and concerned looking blonde. I reached out and took the carrier and glanced up at her grey eyes that were searching for something, evaluating, calculating, and sharing compassion. She had a smile on her face waiting just for me as she held out her hand.

  I looked at her hand and slowly put mine in hers. She laced our fingers and she pulled me toward her a little and leaned in and kissed my cheek. She squeezed my hand then we started walking back out to the car.