Broken Song

by Erik Schubach

  The girl asked, “Who is this?”

  I steeled myself then said, “Is this Brandye or Lessa?”

  The girl responded, “Brandye.”

  I nodded to myself and grinned. “You have a musical voice like your mother. I just started spewing the mall stuff to get Victor off the line.”

  She spoke cautiously, “OK. Mission accomplished mystery girl. So um, lets try this again. Who is this?”

  I took a deep breath. “Please don't hang up. This is Sandra... a friend of your mother's.”

  There was a long pause then, “You have five seconds to let me know why I shouldn't hang up now.”

  Crap! I panicked and said probably the stupidest thing I had ever said in my life. I never would have said this to her and betrayed her mother's confidence, but I blurted in a tumbling rush, “She has cancer!”

  The line was silent and I wanted to kick myself. Then Brandye's voice was a little quieter, “Wh-what did you say?”

  I hung my head. I felt like crap. “I shouldn't have shared that with you. I panicked when you threatened to hang up. But yes. Your mother has cancer.”

  Again the silence was almost deafening for a really long time. Did she hang up? I didn't know what to do so I started talking again. “I know you girls don't want anything to do with your mother, but I'm scared for her right now. I'm looking for her and needed to know if she contacted you.”

  There was an intake of breath then she said, “It's her that doesn't want to have anything to do with us. She gave up on us in the divorce and forgot about us. She never loved us, she's never tried to contact us. Why should we care if she has cancer?” I heard another voice that sounded almost the same but with a slightly sharper tone to it. “She has what!?”

  “WHAT!?” I blurted. “She tried calling for weeks and Victor told her you didn't want anything to do with her. She wrote letters to you two every day until she was diagnosed with cancer but you never responded once.”

  Now it was her turn. “What! She tried... calling? Writing? We... we never... got them. I thought... we thought... she didn't love us anymore.”

  I was shocked. “No, no, no... she loves you more than life itself! She couldn't bear to see you hurt anymore during the divorce. She let Victor win so that you could have a normal life again outside of the press. But then she thought you hated her for that when you refused her calls and ignored her letters... it was the pain of losing you and then to find out about the cancer... it drove her to that bridge where she almost...” I shut up. I'm like the worst secret keeper in the universe. Nobody should ever tell me a secret! Why don't I just keep my mouth shut.

  She read the implication, “Jesus! Is she there? Can I speak with her?”

  I almost started crying. “No. She was but she left. She said she needed to think. I can't find her.” Then I paused. “You don't really believe she doesn't love you do you? She is haunted, she writes songs about you. They are beautiful and fun and full of hope and wonder. There are some online.”

  Then she said with her voice filled with emotion, “Those... those were about us? I... she...” Then there was rustling and the slightly sharper voice was speaking, “Where did she go?”

  I shrugged to myself. “I don't know. I'm looking for her now. She loves you so much Lessa, and Brandye too.”

  Then her voice got tighter, “Is she... dying?”

  I wish I knew. “I don't know. The doctors say that she needs surgery. A mastectomy. But she is so scared, and thinks she'll lose her womanhood. I think she was giving up because of that coupled with the pain of losing you two. She tried and tried to reach you.”

  Then the young girl sounded like she was spitting venom when she said, “Fucking Victor and his new trophy wife to be. I knew mom couldn’t really have abandoned us with him. He's so damn manipulative!”

  Then she said quieter with a little panic, “Crap he's coming upstairs. I have your number on caller ID. Can we call you later today from the corner coffee shop?”

  I immediately said, “Yes!” She quickly said, “Thanks, bye.” Lessa hung up.

  I felt helpless now. Not only did I not know how to find Penny or what to do. But now I have her twins worried. How useless am I?

  I took care of my animals on autopilot, feeling again like I was forgetting something. Now it felt like two somethings. The phone rang, it was Crystal. “Hello!? Yes. He did? Great! What's the address?” I committed the address to memory as I wrote it down. I don't know why I'm writing so much down right now, I know I can't forget it. Maybe that it's because I'm feeling so unsure of myself suddenly.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and counted to three, remembering how seductive Penny's lips felt on mine. Gawd she was so perfect. Then I shook my head. “Thank you so much Crystal, I'll get back to you. I love you so much. Bye.”

  I grabbed my purse and both phones and said goodbye to my furry kids and was out the door. I punched the address into the GPS in the car, once I got it to the curb and locked the garage door. Her childhood home was on the fringe of the city limits, up by Cedar Park, close to Shoreline. I was about to start driving when one of the two things nagging in the back of my head crystallized. Missy Hannigan!

  I hit the speakerphone in the dash and dialed Missy's number from memory as I pulled away from the curb and headed north. I got voice mail. Well it is the middle of the day Sandra! She probably at work or out having fun on the weekend. I left a brief message as I drove.

  Later I pulled up to the cute little house in a nice residential neighborhood near the park. I closed my eyes and imagined Penny as a little girl running and giggling in the yard, playing in the park. No worries, no pain. I smiled to myself because I truly could picture it. I bet she was like, super cute as a little girl.

  I got out and timidly walked up to the blue door on the little white house and knocked. A minute later a middle aged man answered. “Yes? What could I do for you miss?”

  I smiled at the man. “Umm... I really don't know sir. I was just looking for a friend of mine who has gone missing. This was her childhood home and I was just wondering if, umm, if she stopped by or anything? Her name is Penny. She's really pretty.”

  He squinted at me with an apologetic smile. “No. But early this morning, like five AM, a cab sat across the street for a long time. My dog woke me up.”

  Ooooo! He has a dog! No wonder he is being so nice. I grinned big at him. “Thank you sir. What kind of dog do you have?”

  He smiled again. “A bulldog.” He turned his head and called into the house. “Snausage, come here boy.”

  OMG he was soooooo cute! He was a huge bulldog with those droopy jowls you just want to love to death! I squatted and he attempted to lick my brain out through my ear. “You are such a handsome gentleman Snausage!” I gave him a scratch behind his ears and stood back up. “OK, thank you sir. Was it by any chance an Emerald Express cab?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, it was that God awful two tone green.”

  I shook his hand. “Thanks again. You and Snausage have a great day!”

  He grinned back. “You too. I hope you find your friend.”

  I nodded. “Me too.” And I turned back to my car and drove off back toward home. I was just about there, wracking my brains trying to figure out where she would go.

  OK Sandra, let's look at it from a different angle, not where would she go, but what is important to her? Two answers, the people she loves and her music. But the people she loves, specifically her daughters were the most important. That set off the little antennae in my head again.

  This is so frustrating, even my subconscious is smarter than me! Then it finally hit me, what had been nagging me. The picture Yvette had drawn for Penny was not on the coffee table this morning! Penny had said how she reminded her of her daughters. I turned toward St. Vincent's.

  I parked in the lot and made my way to the Cancer Ward. Lisa was at the nurses station today. I walked up to her. “Hi Lisa. I'm not official-y or anything today. Is it OK if I visit with Y
vette for a minute?”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Of course you can Sandra. If I turned you away, Yvette would have my skin. She sees you like a big sister you know.”

  That made my heart soar. “She's popular today. Another woman just left this morning before I got in today.”

  My ears perked up at that. I gave her a tiny wave and entered the ward. I went right up to Yvette's curtain. “Knock knock.”

  I heard a giggle. “Get in here Sandra. I was wondering how long it would take you to get here.”

  Huh? I walked through the curtain and up to the super-smiley girl and kissed her on the cheek. “Hi Yvette, what do you mean.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Well Penny was here earlier, she's really hurting inside you know. So I knew you couldn’t be too far behind. She sang for me.” Then she waved her hands around the entire ward. “For us. She said she promised and she wanted me to know that she always keeps her promises.”

  My heart was beating faster. “She was here? Did she say anything? She disappeared this morning and I have been tracking her through town. I'm worried about her.”

  She nodded. “I know. I told her you would be. She won't listen to me either. I told her you loved her just like she loves you. She doesn't believe me. She said she didn't want to mess up your life.”

  Tears were threatening to fall. “Where did she go?”

  She shrugged. “She didn't say. We sat and talked about art, life, you, love. Then a more serious conversation about cancer. She doesn't think I know but I can see it in her eyes. She has cancer too and she is so afraid. I let her know that the cancer doesn't define a person. She was asking why someone would fight. I shared with her something I read once that my idol, Mia Jacobs stated when she spoke of her late wife Vee. That every day is a gift, that what we do with that gift is what defines us. I let Penny know that I chose to fight, life is a wonderful gift, and I will fight for every last breath and fill those days with love and happiness, that is how I want to be defined. I won't let the fear define me.”

  Then she smiled softly at me. “Then she left all those antique picture frames stacked up over there for my art and kissed my cheek and left.”

  I was just staring at her. How strong is this young girl? I am amazed every time I speak with her. It is like she has an old soul or something. She tilted her head. “She'll do anything for the people she loves you know. I could see it in her. You do know you are included in that don't you?”

  I shook my head. “No. We just met.”

  She laughed lightly. “It doesn't matter. Someone once said we can't help who we love, or something like that. Do you love her?” I blinked and nodded. She shook her head. “No. Are you IN love with her? Don't think about how long you have known each other or any other nonsense like that, there are no rules.”

  I felt a tear on my cheek as I thought about how I felt when she was close to me. I nodded.

  She smiled in satisfaction. “Well, there you have it. And the other thing I can tell you about that woman is that she will keep her promises if it kills her. Did she make you any promises?”

  I nodded but squinted my eyes as I did. She had promised me forty eight hours but left after twenty four. Yvette seemed to read all this. Then she whispered, “Don't count her out yet San. I think she may surprise you.”

  I grinned at her. “When did you get all wise and guru-y and junk?”

  She shrugged. I kissed her cheek again. “Thank you Yvette. I love you and I'll see you during the week.”

  She grinned and said, “Love you too San.”

  I made my way out and back to my car. This spectacular young girl seemed to learn so much about human nature. I'm really going to miss her. I cried all the way home at that thought.

  No sooner had I closed the door and crouched to love my puppies then my cell started ringing. It was a blocked number.

  I answered, “Hello?”

  A sweet musical voice responded. “Sandra?”

  I grinned in recognition. “Yes Brandye, it's me.”

  She answered, “How did you know it was me?”

  I shrugged to myself with a mischievous grin. “Lessa's voice is a fraction higher than yours. I sorta remember voices and other things about people, I'm weird that way.”

  There was a pause. “Mom always said that about our voices too. Have you... found her yet?”

  I shook my head. “No. But I'm tracking her movements across town. I found out she took a cab from my place. Then she went to her childhood home, then to the hospital ward to fulfill a promise to a girl that reminded her of you two, that she would sing for her. The trail is going cold. I got a call into a woman in her contact list but haven't heard from her yet. Missy Hannigan.”

  This got a bright chirpy voice saying, “Aunt Missy? She's a riot once you cut through her seemingly rude and abusive exterior. We love her!”

  I tilted my head, nothing in any article I read said that Penny had any siblings or any living family to speak of and with the last name Hannigan... “Aunt Missy? From Victor's side?”

  She replied immediately, “Yeah she's his sister, but she sort of wishes she wasn't. She really hates him and how he treated Mom and us. Her and Mom are great friends now, and once you are Aunt Missy's friend, God help them if someone does anything to hurt you. I hear she has kicked a few person's asses that tried over the years, even got in the papers when she was younger when she kicked some woman's ass for hurting Mia Jacobs.”

  I paused, thinking of the implications here. I could feel the gears in my mind starting to turn like they do when I need to find a multi-cot solution for my people at the shelters. Or when I look for a way to help someone who doesn't want help without hurting their pride. I don't know what I am up to but I know I just gotta ask, “And does Penny feel the same way about Missy?”

  She chuckled. “Yes, definitely. She is more like Aunt Missy's sibling than Victor is. Mom loves her to death and the two can exchange snarky barbs for hours.”

  I don't know why but I found myself grinning from ear to ear imagining the scene in my head and almost snorted.

  Then everything sort of clicked for me. I knew what to do! If only I could find Penny, I could fix almost everything!

  Then I asked, “Your dad keeps you away from email and social networking online?”

  She sounded mad. “Yeah, he does it under the pretext of mom's fame bleeding over and causing us problems, but the more we think about it the more I think it is to keep us from mom and keep us under control so he can get the insanely huge child support payments. He's even talking about sending us away to boarding school. When we are eighteen we are so out of here.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Yes... but... he's just a man. You are teenaged girls, so he's outmatched in the brains department. So you must have a secret email account or maybe a hidden cellphone that I can contact you with easier? I have a plan. I just need to find your mother first.”

  This got a giggle from her. “Well yes, we have both.”

  Then the voice changed. I said hi to Lessa as she relayed their “secret” contact information and I gave them all the ways to contact me.

  Then we just chatted about all kinds of stuff with them switching back and forth on the phone. They were just as easy to talk to as their mother. We talked for hours until their phone started warning of a low battery, then Lessa got back on and I said, “I'll be in contact soon, and I'll also let you know our progress in finding your mother. You can contact me any time, even if it is just to talk. You girls are great!”

  There was a pause. “Sandra. Why are you doing this? You... you care for her don't you?”

  I nodded to myself. “Of course, she's my... friend.”

  She snorted. “Don't play word games with us. We're teenaged girls remember? You care for her more than just as a friend don't you?”

  I closed my eyes. One, two, three. Then opened them again. “Yes,” I almost whispered.

  Then she sounded extra chirpy. “Good! OK Sandra, bye.”

/>   I waved into space like they could see me. “Bye girls I... bye girls.”

  I hung up with the biggest smile on my face. Those two were shining stars, I could see why their mom was over the moon for them! We got along so well, like we had known each other their whole lives.

  Chapter 10 – Enter Missy Hannigan

  It was late afternoon now. I walked the dogs and checked with Leo. Nothing. I paid him for cotting the freshie over at Anchorage. I was getting so worried, but Leo put me at ease giving me his take on Penny. Leo doesn't talk a lot and he doesn't like many people around me because the thinks they try to take advantage of me, but he admitted that he liked Penny, something about the way she almost imperceptibly put herself between me and others in a protective manner. I never noticed that.

  I brought my happy drooling minions home and fed them and the bunnies, then sat down, wondering what to do next. I put my phone on the dock on the table beside the couch to charge. Then I laid back into the cushions and Daisy hopped on my chest like always and stared at me. I rubbed her ears absently as I thought.

  I must have dozed off as I woke to my phone ringing, it was dark outside. I reached over to the side table and retrieved it, noting the time, just after five. I sat up quickly, Daisy jumped off me to the cushion beside me as I stared at the name. Missy Hannigan! I answered quickly, “Hello?”

  The person on the line was everything the twins warned me to expect. “Sandra? Why do I know that name? Oh! You're the freak that hangs with the homeless losers Penny told me about.”

  I would have been taken aback or angered by this if the girls hadn't told me about the way she talks. Now it just kind of made me chuckle that they were so spot on. I latched onto the part about talking to Penny. So she had heard from her! “Hi Missy. Your nieces told me all about you. They are soooo cool.”