The Unlikely Hero of Room 13B

by Teresa Toten

  “Good one. I’ll stay right here until you fall asleep. Keep the phone by your ear and I’ll talk to you.”

  “I love you, Batman. You are the best, most perfect Batman in the world!” The words broke through cascading yawns.

  “Yeah, okay. So I’m right here, right? I won’t go away, I promise. You’re safe, okay?”

  Soft, shallow breathing.

  “Sweetie?”

  Adam shut his eyes, but he still held the cumbersome phone tight against his ear. He’d look at the letter tomorrow. Yeah. He could only do so much.

  “Sweetie?” Adam turned off his lamp.

  Nothing.

  “I love you too.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “So.” Robyn crossed her legs and uncrossed them, hypnotizing Adam. “So when I think a shame thought, or if I snag on a trigger like being such a pig, or dying babies in Somalia, or the ambulance coming for my mom, or …” The superheroes shuddered, except for Snooki. Snooki was not a shudderer. “Well, then I either just make a quick sign of the cross or, if it still won’t let go, grab the rosary beads. Not all OCD-like. Just the one round, you know?”

  Most of them nodded but didn’t say anything. They wouldn’t know a rosary from a gear shaft.

  Adam was at the ready, as he always was when Robyn spoke up. He was keyed to jump in and, and … what exactly?

  “But it’s different than before, you know?” It was like she was on sharing steroids. Robyn was talking more in this one session than she had in all the other weeks combined. And it was killing Adam. He had to hold up the plane for the whole time she had the floor. “For one thing we’re cycling me down from the meds quite a bit.”

  They, including Snooki, and even Thor, turned as one to Chuck for confirmation. Chuck didn’t move, gave nothing away. He was not her attending, after all. Dissatisfied, they turned back to Robyn looking for signs of … something.

  “Believe me, the God stuff isn’t like the other things were for me. And it’s so not at all like the cutting.”

  Wait.

  She was a cutter?

  Was a cutter, Adam reminded himself. Was a cutter. Was a puker. Was.

  “So I’m going to learn lots more about religion and … well, about being Catholic actually.”

  At that, Robyn smiled right at Adam and again the superheroes turned as one, this time to consider him anew. What did Batman have to do with anything?

  Hmm.

  Are she and he …?

  Thor stopped scowling long enough to snort, which Adam took as a sign of approval.

  “See, it’s not like a crutch or a compulsion, not really. The religious thing just helps with the hyper-anxious bits. It’s like behaviour therapy, sort of. I know it doesn’t stop the bad thing, or change the consequences, see? So it’s different from the OCD. It just helps a little.” She seemed surprised, as if she hadn’t really noticed that singular fact before.

  Adam could tell she was taking an instant inventory of her compulsions, checking some off, erasing others completely.

  “Like I said, I know I won’t stop resident evil if I say the rosary—it just makes me feel better, you know?”

  “Come on!” Snooki wasn’t having it. “It’s called scrupulosity and it’s a bona fide OCD thing,” she accused. “In fact it’s probably one of the top ten—right, Chuck?”

  “Well, it can be, if indeed—”

  “Yeah, maybe even top five. It’s in the damn manual.”

  “Still, she’s not cutting or any of the other crap,” offered Wonder Woman.

  “That’s it!” Robyn crossed her legs again. “That’s it exactly. It’s different. I’m different. Look, I haven’t cut since I got here. That was bad—I was bad. I was sick. Between the cutting, the washing and the food sorting … well, that’s how I ended up in residence.”

  Everyone, including Adam, looked to Chuck for confirmation. This time he nodded.

  “But this is not that. It’s not any of that. I swear to God, I don’t even think it’s scrupulosity, really. Praying is just helping me, like maybe yoga or meditation or …”

  “I sort of get it,” said Green Lantern, mainly to himself. “I’m thinking that praying to the big guy might help when I’m freaking out about harming people I love. It helped my mom with the drinking for sure. AA is big into the higher-power stuff.”

  “Whoa, people, religion is not a panacea.” Chuck was writing things down at a furious pace. “In fact, religion is not even a recognized tool in most OCD recovery kits.”

  “Well, I don’t see why not,” Wonder Woman stopped twitching long enough to huff. “It works for drunks, right? I think I might even be Jewish. Well, my mom is, so that means I am, but no one practises, so I don’t know where that leaves me.”

  “That’s just like me!” Robyn brightened. “I think we’re Presbyterian or proletarian or some kind of Protestant, but neither Dad nor Mom believed in anything much. And since Mom … well, my father really doesn’t believe in anything. But the praying and the Catholic stuff—did I say it was Catholic stuff? Yeah, Catholics have so much good stuff.” She turned back to Wonder Woman. “But I’m sure that Jewishness would be packed full of great stuff too! The thing is, in the hospital they kept telling me to keep up ‘my practice.’ So this is going to be ‘my practice.’ ” Robyn smiled at Green Lantern. “Batman is helping me with all the Catholic details. Look, I know they’re unhinged on a bunch of issues, including the gay thing, but Batman says that Holy Rosary is way loose with all that. We’re going to sit in his church and contemplate the big cross right after this session.”

  “No shit?”

  It was Thor.

  No one moved.

  Was it Thor?

  Two separate and distinct words?

  No one had heard Thor speak before. Chuck stopped taking notes.

  Thor looked right at Adam. “I think all that praying is making the kid taller.” His voice was granular and dark, as if he’d been gargling with gravel. A man’s voice. And as quickly as it came, it disappeared. Thor climbed back into his silent cave.

  “Wow. Uh, you know, I think that’s right,” said Iron Man, examining Adam. “And I sort of get the religious thing. I suck at meditation, even though my mom’s bought me a shelf full of CDs and music that sounds like cats being tortured. Maybe lighting a Jesus candle would help me when I think I’ve just destroyed or am about to destroy someone with my poisoned thoughts. Toxins R Us.”

  “So can we come too?” asked Wonder Woman.

  “Where?” asked Robyn.

  “To the church, with you and Batman.”

  “Whoa, people,” said Chuck, leaning into the semicircle. “Remember the word panacea? Religion generally, and Catholicism specifically, is so not—”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever. We know that the church won’t fix us. Don’t sweat it, Chuck. We’re crazy, not stupid,” said Snooki, who was absolutely neither. “Thing is, Robyn here has hardly said squat since she came three months ago, but it’s super clear she’s making some kind of progress, and Batman’s Catholic gear is in on it. It can’t hurt to have a look-see, right? Field trip, guys?”

  “Damn straight!” said Captain America. “Can Jews go? Unlike Snooki’s, my family does practise, at least on all the High Holidays. So can Jews go?”

  “Sure …” said Adam, unsure of what was happening here. “My best friend, Ben, came to all my big things—you know, Holy Communion, Confirmation …” They all nodded at him encouragingly, not having a clue what he was talking about. “And I still go to Holy Blossom for some of the High Holidays and his bar mitzvah, of course, and—”

  “I’m in,” said Green Lantern and Wonder Woman at the same time.

  Adam’s heart jackhammered. How did this happen? What exactly did happen? Wait, was he taking his heavily medicated OCD support group to church? Sweet Jesus. Adam was sort of with Chuck on this one. He wasn’t even sure of the “appropriateness” of doing that. And to tell the truth, even with Robyn, he thought of it in
terms of sneaking her in, especially since he himself had not gone in years.

  “Okay, I know when I’m whipped.” Chuck was smiling.

  Why was he smiling? Surely he should put a stop to this, because of … because of some excellent reason that Adam couldn’t put his finger on.

  “Well, you’re in good hands with Batman. But don’t get all carried away with this.”

  In good hands with Batman? What was the matter with this man?

  “It’ll do you guys good to bond a bit, and accessing spirituality as one of the tenets towards healing is valid enough, I guess.” He glanced at his watch. “Which church, Batman? The one that’s affiliated with St. Mary’s?”

  Adam gulped and shook his head. “No, Holy Rosary.” He nodded again. “It’s only five blocks away.”

  “Okay, I’ll look forward to hearing about it next week.”

  Then, horror of horrors, everyone got up and turned expectantly to Adam.

  “Uh, I think we should all take the stairs down, because”—he tried not to look at Wonder Woman—“it’s another, uh, ‘get our asses in gear’ opportunity.”

  Wolverine rolled his eyes but headed straight for the door and over to the stairwell.

  “You’re such a doll!” Wonder Woman gave Batman’s arm a little squeeze.

  And off they went. Eight superheroes down thirteen flights of stairs.

  Wait a minute, eight?

  Thor was right behind him.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “Crap,” Wolverine muttered as soon as they reconvened outside the building. “I gotta say, we’re the most sorry-ass-looking group of superheroes I have ever seen.”

  Snooki put her arm through Robyn’s. “Robyn and me aren’t even superheroes.”

  “I am too,” Robyn corrected gently. “R-o-b-i-n.” She turned back and smiled at Adam. “Batman and Robyn, get it?”

  His heart stopped beating.

  She was teasing, right? He would have picked it apart except he was too consumed by abject terror.

  “Hell.” Wolverine sidled up to Robyn. “I’m just saying that as a group of superheroes, we blow.”

  “Shouldn’t we be there already?” Wonder Woman asked after one block.

  “Relax, WW, and enjoy the moment,” said Iron Man, who was home-schooled and just happy to be on the street with some friends, even if they looked like the escape scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

  Adam, who was caught between Thor and Green Lantern, didn’t pay attention to any of them. There was no room in his head. Every crevice was filled to the brim with worry. He worried about being called out by one of the nuns—or worse, by Father Rick. How would he explain them or, more importantly, him being there? Adam hadn’t been to church in almost three years, ever since Carmella put a stop to it. “They’re all way too damn nosy over there for their own good. They all think I’m ruined ’cause of the divorce. I bet I’ve been excommunicated already. We don’t need them looking at us that way. You’re nobody’s pity party, kid.”

  So Adam worried about that right up until there was a worse thing to worry about.

  The church doors.

  How nuts was that? He felt it clear across the street. It was a bad threshold. Jesus. How could church doors be evil? Now what?

  Should he tell them? He had to tell them.

  He couldn’t tell them.

  The shame would shut him down for good. The look on Wolverine’s face alone…

  Unlike the tapping, the threshold stuff at this level was visible. There was no way they wouldn’t notice. The humiliation of knowing that he had done the thing—his thing—in public, in view of God. Church doors, those beautiful, blessed bronze doors…

  “What’s up, Caped Crusader?” It was Snooki.

  Robyn stopped, turned and looked at him questioningly. Then they all did, even as they kept walking.

  “Uh, across the street, halfway up the block.”

  They stopped, the eight of them huddled together, and looked at Holy Rosary.

  “Cool,” said Iron Man, trying to be cool.

  “Guys?” Adam said.

  Everyone turned to him. Captain America was perspiring in response to God knows what, and Wonder Woman was twitching in fear of the potentially small confined spaces lurking inside. It was a testament to her courage and curiosity that she had come this far. The girl was definitely escalating. Still, no one looked more outwardly nervous than Green Lantern, who carried a considerable and not completely irrational fear about entering a Roman Catholic church. Adam had to acknowledge that any way you sliced or diced it, they were indeed one messed-up cadre of superheroes. Especially since they were looking to him, of all people, for leadership. On the other hand, the sheer breadth of their combined messed-upness gave him a wonky kind of courage. Turning back was not an option. Adam shoved down the shame.

  “So, guys, thing is …”

  Robyn nodded, urging him to say whatever it was he had to say. He fell into her smoky eyes.

  “The thing is, I, uh, apparently have a threshold issue with those doors.”

  “No shit, Sherlock!” Wolverine shook his head. “Threshold crap? With church doors? You gotta clear church doors? That’s rich. Does the Pope know?”

  “Go to hell, mutt.” It was Thor. “Kid’s got to clear what the kid’s got to clear. What’s it to you? Batman, do your thing. We’ll look away until you call us.”

  Wow, so Thor had been paying attention all this time.

  Once again, the superheroes were shocked into a stupefied silence. But they all turned around and stared intently into the Korean grocery store window. The kimchi was on sale, $7.49 a jar.

  “Right.” Adam ran across the street, trying not to think and just do what had to be done. He walked up and down the stairs three times, leading with his left leg. When he was ready to address the threshold, he raised both arms at his sides as if in embrace and held that for nine counts. Next he circled his right finger into his left hand three times and then tapped the door exactly one hundred and eleven times. Finally, he placed both hands flat against the bronze carved door and applied exactly equal pressure for seventeen seconds. One steamboat, two steamboat, three steamboat … He swallowed a gallon of shame. Good thing he couldn’t cry.

  “Okay!” He turned to catch Robyn beaming at him from across the street and he got that liquidy feeling that only she made him get. Adam would take on the gates of St. Peter’s for her.

  “Come on!” He waved from across the street and saw them as Father Rick would see them. Thor, at six foot three, wore a black T-shirt and black ripped jeans accessorized with multiple piercings and sleeve tattoos. Captain America, Robyn and Adam wore their various school uniforms. His looked the least superhero-like, since both the jacket and pants were now so pathetically short that he was solidly into dork territory. So was Robyn’s skirt, but that just looked supremely outstanding. Iron Man looked like page 23 of the boys’ section in the Sears catalogue, and Wonder Woman wore a too-tight pink hoodie, which was nicely balanced by a too-short blue jean miniskirt. Snooki wore those legging things and a massive floaty top that was kind of see-through. Okay, not just kind of. Green Lantern was the most regular-looking guy in the whole group, but then it was a pretty low bar.

  “It’s okay.” Adam waved them closer. “I’m clear now.”

  He held the door open. He’d done it. Adam had done a ritual in public and the world hadn’t ended. Good to know. It seemed that he had crossed more than one threshold. Big breath in, big breath out.

  “Let’s go, guys!”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “Holy shit!” said Captain America as soon as they got into the vestibule.

  Snooki smacked him in the arm. “You can’t say shit in a church, right, Batman? Especially the Catholic kind.” Snooki spoke with unassailable authority because the entire Jersey Shore cast was of good Italian-Catholic stock.

  Adam nodded. His stomach constricted to the size of an acorn, giving the fear more room to ro
am around.

  “Okay, sorry, Jesus,” said Captain America, rubbing his arm.

  She smacked him again.

  “Wow!” said Robyn and Iron Man at the same time.

  Even the vestibule was designed to inspire awe, hinting at the Gothic arches to be found inside. Adam took it in as if for the first time.

  “What are those?” asked Wolverine pointing to the two receptacles on either side of the entrance to the nave.

  “The fonts for the holy water,” explained Adam.

  “Holy water? Now that is righteous. How much can we take?” asked Wolverine.

  “Uh, you don’t, uh, take the … I’ll show you in a sec.”

  “When do we kneel? Do we kneel here before we go in?” asked Iron Man. “I know Catholics are big on kneeling. That’s what my mom always says.”

  “No. You don’t have to kneel everywhere.” What had he got himself into? Adam was now deep into free-form sweating. “You just kneel before the Eucharist.”

  “Ohhh,” they all said, still completely clueless.

  “Batman.” Thor leaned over to him and growled, “Kid, you gotta get new pants; those are going to be shorts by next week.”

  What was it with this guy? No one knew he had a voice for months and now he was a fashion maven?

  “Okay, so quick one before we go in, guys? Guys?” Much to his surprise, they stopped pointing and asking and touching long enough to turn and face him. “Right. So, Robyn, those receptacles with the holy water?” She nodded. “It’s the same deal as for the sign of the cross, except you dip your forefinger and middle finger first.” Everyone turned to Robyn. “Uh, maybe do it out loud so the rest of the, uh, of us can hear you.”

  “Okay.” Robyn floated over to the font and followed his instructions.

  “Like this guys, watch.”

  In the name of the Father,

  and of the Son,

  and of the Holy Spirit,

  Amen.

  Everyone rushed to the receptacle, eager to give it a try. They followed her movements exactly, but crashed around on the actual words, which came out more like one long mumble: Nameyourfatherhasasonandhisholyspiritsamen.