Better vs. Worse

by Mary E Thompson

  “Please, Ada.”

  She stepped back and turned for me to follow her inside.

  I closed the door and flicked the lock.

  “Don’t get comfortable. You’re not staying.”

  “I’m staying as long as I need to. I have a few things to say.”

  “Oh, yeah? Well I have a few things to say, too. I’ve spent the last few days convincing myself I was crazy, but I finally decided today that I’m not the problem here. You are.”

  “Excuse me?” I asked, half laughing.

  “See, I’ve admitted I want you. I told you how I felt. It was foolish and childish, apparently, but it was real. And I’m proud of myself for that. But you won’t even be honest with yourself about how you feel about me. Or maybe you will, but you won’t tell anyone else.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked. I liked seeing that side of Ada. She was fighting for us. For me. She just didn’t know I was there to do the same thing.

  “I know you want me, Kapena.”

  I nodded. “I know you do. I told you myself weeks ago. I’d think all the times we slept together clued you in, too.”

  She smiled and shook her head. “That was all different. That was temptation. When you told me you wanted me, it was because you’re a good guy and you knew you could say something and walk away because I was drunk. You’d never take advantage of me when I’d been drinking, so nothing happened. You’ve always thought I only wanted you when I was drunk, but the truth is, that was the only time I had the guts to tell you how much I wanted you.”

  “I’ve seen the guys you date, Ada. You always said I was a surf bum with no ambition.”

  “And you said I’m a foolish child who doesn’t know what she really wants.” She laughed. “We both show people the person we want them to think we are.”

  “I know who I am.”

  “I do, too. I know the man beneath the facade. Even though you don’t want me to see who you are.”

  She spun away from me for a second, giving me a chance to catch my breath. Being so close to her messed with my brain. But I had a few things to say that she was going to hear no matter what.

  I followed Ada slowly into her living room. She dropped onto the couch and picked up the remote, pointing it at the TV. I stepped in front of her so she couldn’t see.

  “I came here to talk to you.”

  “Yeah, well, I didn’t invite you over.”

  “I love you, Ada,” I said.

  She glared at me. Definitely not the reaction I was hoping for. “Fuck you, Kapena. That’s not even funny.”

  “I’m not joking. I came here to tell you I was wrong. I misunderstood what I heard you and Micah talking about. He told me—”

  “You talked to Micah about me?” she shrieked. “I’m going to kill him. How dare he tell you anything!”

  “He was right to tell me. I didn’t hear your whole conversation. The part I heard sounded like the two of you were together.”

  “You told me you heard it all,” she accused.

  “I heard just enough to think I knew what was going on. You always said I was a lazy, beach bum. You left out the stupid part.”

  “You’re not stupid,” she said compassionately.

  I smiled. “I’d feel a whole lot smarter if I were doing this right. Instead, you still don’t get it.”

  “Get what? You want to have sex again? I’m sorry, but I can’t. It hurt too much to know you slept with Ginny. I know we said we were going to see other people, but I—”

  “I never slept with Ginny. Well, I did, but not in more than a decade.”

  “What?”

  “We dated forever ago. For a few months. But it didn’t work out. We didn’t sleep together this weekend.”

  “But you—”

  “Another one of my asshole moments. I knew you’d think I did. I thought you were sleeping with Micah and that you were in love with him. I wanted to let you believe I slept with Ginny so you knew I moved on, too. I thought you were there to break up with me.”

  “I was there to see how you were doing!”

  I nodded. “I know that now. Ada, listen—”

  She shook her head. “No. You need to stop. I’m sorry, but I can’t handle this right now. I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t know why you’re saying all this stuff. But I can’t handle it. I need to watch some TV and drink my wine and relax. I need you to go.”

  “No.”

  She flinched. Her face registered her shock, and a few seconds later she said, “Did you just say no?”

  “I’m not leaving here until you hear what I came to say. So if you want to watch TV and drink wine, you can do it with me sitting here. But I’m not going anywhere.”

  She closed her eyes and murmured something I couldn’t hear. Finally, she screwed her face into a grimace and flopped back down. “Fine. But you’re going to sit there quietly so I can forget you’re here.”

  I zipped my lips and sat on the couch. She was close, but not close enough that I could touch her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her until she forgot why she was mad at me, but I needed to be patient with her. It wasn’t fair to her for me to bulldoze my way in and start making demands.

  If I left, we’d never have it out. She’d guard her heart against me again. Our conversation was just as hard on her as it was on me, but I knew the truth. She was having trouble accepting it.

  “You’re breathing too loud,” she mumbled.

  “Sorry.”

  I drew slow, even breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth, keeping my heart rate low. Each breath brought a little of Ada inside me. The scent of her perfume. The air freshener she used to keep her place nice. The well-worn fabric of her couch. Even a hint of what she had for dinner.

  The urge to touch her grew stronger with each passing second. My fingers twitched with need. Hell, I’d have been happy just holding her as we sat on the couch, but she didn’t want that. She didn’t trust me.

  Not that I’d ever given her reason to.

  “You’re killing me, Kapena.” She snatched the remote from the table and turned off the TV. “I can’t focus with you sitting there, so tell me what you came here to say and then you can go.”

  I slid to the floor and kneeled in front of her. She kept her eyes averted for a few seconds, but I waited until she looked at me to start speaking.

  “I love you, Ada.”

  She immediately scoffed.

  “I know you don’t believe me. That’s okay. I’m going to tell you every day until you know it’s the truth. I was an asshole. This whole time, I was an asshole. I knew the kind of guys you always dated. They were as far from me as possible. Buttoned up, wealthy, perfect. They had all the things you needed. I could never give you any of that. I knew if I tried, it would end with both of us more miserable than when we were apart. So I stayed away. I convinced myself that dating you was a bad idea. That it wasn’t even an idea. It wasn’t going to happen so I didn’t need to think about it.”

  She closed her eyes. I hated when she closed her eyes. I had no idea what she was thinking when she closed her eyes. I waited a few seconds for her to look at me again, then I continued.

  “A few months ago, I found myself having more trouble resisting you. I don’t know what changed, but something shifted, at least for me. When we were in the water, I knew I was fighting a losing battle. I wanted you. I was close to doing something about it. I knew once I did, it would be over. I’d only be able to let you go when you pushed me away.”

  “And you thought I did,” she said, understanding what I thought.

  I nodded and took her hands in mine. “It killed me to think of you with someone else, but when you said you were going to sleep with as many men as possible, I didn’t want to share. I knew what it was like to have you, and sharing you with any other man made me feel like a crazed animal. When you left the wedding with that one guy, Nick, I almost lost it.”

  “I didn’t sleep with him.�
��

  “What?”

  She smirked at me. “I was using him to make you jealous. He was married and his friend that he went to the wedding with hooked up with someone and took their rental car. I was just giving him a ride back to his hotel.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “I wish I’d known that.”

  “Would you have done something different? Because if you would have, then I’m glad you didn’t know.”

  I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and let my fingers linger on her throat. Her breath hitched, lifting her breasts.

  “It doesn’t matter now. See I’ve developed an addiction to you. And the only cure for it is more of you.”

  “How much more?” she asked, her voice breathy and turned on.

  “As much as you’ll let me have,” I whispered against her neck.

  I kissed down her throat to the collar of her tank top. I tasted her skin, reminding myself of how delicious she was.

  “Kapena?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t know if I can give you up again.”

  I smiled. “That’s good. Because I know I can’t give you up again. I’m yours, Ada. All the way.”

  She was silent for a few seconds. I looked up at her chewing on her lip. “Did you mean what you said before?”

  “What did I say?” I asked. I wasn’t giving in that easily. I needed to hear her say it, too.

  “About me. Love.”

  “You mean when I said I love you?”

  She nodded.

  I cupped her jaw and brought her lips to mine. I kissed her softly, a gentle brush of our lips together. I could sense her holding back, waiting for my answer. She was still scared.

  I was, too.

  I pulled back and sucked in a full breath of Ada. “I love you, Ada Stone. I’ve loved you for far too long. And at the same time, I’ll never love you long enough. You’re it for me.”

  Tears sprung up in her eyes and raced down her cheeks. I swiped them away with my thumbs and waited for her to tell me what those tears meant.

  “Really?”

  I nodded. “Absolutely.”

  “Even though I’m young and dumb and don’t know what I really want?”

  “The only thing I need to know is if you want me. The rest was just me trying to push you away. You have to know that, sweetheart.”

  She nodded as more tears raced down her cheeks. “I do. That’s why I always called you a lazy beach bum. I didn’t want to tell you I was in love with you.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  She gasped when she realized what she admitted. Then she nodded.

  “Say it.”

  “I love you, Kapena.”

  I whooped and scooped her up off the couch.

  She laughed and struggled to get down. “Where are we going?”

  I smiled. “It’s been far too long since I’ve been inside you. I was going to remedy that.”

  “Seriously?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?”

  She shook her head. “Nope. I think I can handle that.”

  “Good because I’ve missed you. I might need three or four rounds to make up for the last few days.”

  I lowered her to her bed and followed her down. I kissed down her neck to her tank top again but didn’t let it deter me. I slid my tongue under the cotton and tongued the side of her breast.

  “Oh, yes.”

  My hands slid up her sides, lifting her tank top until I could toss it on the floor. My lips went to her breasts as her hands wove through my hair.

  I teased her for a few minutes, but she didn’t want to wait. She nudged her shorts and panties off and cupped my erection.

  “Please, Kapena. I need you now.”

  “You didn’t come yet.”

  “I’ll come with you inside me. I’ve missed you. I need to feel all of you.”

  When I slid into her, I held her gaze and whispered, “I love you, Ada.”

  She smiled up at me. “I love you, Kapena.”

  We moved together, building up speed and racing each other toward our orgasms. I shifted lower and she immediately tightened.

  “Oh, God. I’m so close.”

  “Come for me, Ada. Let me feel it.”

  She moaned long and loud, her body milking mine until I followed her right over the edge.

  I collapsed on top of her and rolled over so she laid on top of me. We stayed there for a few minutes, our breathing slowing with our heart rates.

  “Is this all for real?” she whispered.

  I kissed the top of her head. “Yes. It’s definitely for real.”

  “You love me?” she asked, propping herself up on my chest. “I don’t know if I believe it. I have to be dreaming.”

  “Do you have sex in your dreams?”

  She looked at me like I was crazy. “Of course. Don’t you?”

  “All the time in my daydreams.”

  She laughed and slapped my chest. Her laughter faded far too quickly. “What’s going to happen when you remember I’m your sister’s best friend? And that I’m too young for you?”

  I shrugged. “Hopefully by then I’ll be an old man. I won’t need to trade you in for a younger model.”

  She slapped me again and started to roll off me.

  I wrapped my arms around her and held on until she stopped squirming.

  “That wasn’t very nice.”

  I chuckled against her neck. “I’m sorry. I love you. Forgive me.”

  “You know, you can’t just say I love you and expect me to forgive everything you do.”

  I shrugged. “I’ve never been in love before. I’m still learning the rules.”

  “Rule number one is you can’t be an ass and think it’s okay because you love me.”

  “I think rule number two should be that I say I love you as much as possible.”

  “Then rule number three is that you have to show me.”

  “Didn’t I just do that?”

  She tapped her finger on her chin. “I don’t remember. Did you?”

  I rolled her over again and slid into her. “I guess I need to refresh your memory.”

  “Yes, you— Oh, yeah.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you.”

  Epilogue

  Micah

  I handed over the check and breathed a sigh of relief. I finally had my own place. A home no one would take away from me. It was a long road to save up enough money to buy a new place, but I did it.

  And it was all thanks to Ada and Kiana. If Ada hadn’t stuck her neck out for me, and Kiana hadn’t hired me, I’d still be months away from my dream. Maybe even years.

  I took the keys to my new place and left the lawyer’s office. My home wasn’t fancy or expensive, but I loved it. It was perfect for me. A great kitchen for me to cook, a balcony overlooking the ocean, if you squinted and tilted your head to the side, and close enough to work that I could walk if my car crapped out.

  That was going to happen soon.

  I went by my house on the way to work, letting myself in and enjoying the soft echo of the emptiness. It would have to stay that way for a while since I spent all my free cash on the house, but I wasn’t trying to impress anyone.

  I locked the house back up and went to work. We had a wedding to get ready for, and I wasn’t going to do anything that would have Kiana doubting her decision to hire me.

  “Micah, where have you been?” Kiana asked when I walked in the door.

  So much for not getting fired. “I had something to take care of. Why?”

  “The guests are starting to arrive. We said we’d have appetizers out when they got here and we have nothing.”

  “They’re here already?”

  Kiana nodded. It was her panicked face. Where her eyes went wide and never stayed focused on one thing, and her body looked like it didn’t know whether she should stay or run.

  I could relate.

  “Everything is in the fridge. Give me ten
minutes to cook it and I’ll start getting trays ready.”

  “We don’t have ten minutes, Micah. I need it now.” She bolted out the door, leaving me to get to work.

  I snatched the food I had ready to go from the massive industrial fridge and cranked the oven on high. Too bad the thing didn’t heat up instantly. If I stuck the appetizers in there now, they’d be done in five. I just needed to turn the heat back down when I pulled them out.

  The wedding had three different appetizers circling before the ceremony, a small wedding on the beach. The bride and groom wanted simple stuff and only had ten people with them. It was small, but I understood the desire to keep things private. Too many weddings got way out of control and ended up more about the one day than the marriage.

  I learned that lesson the hard way.

  I had one tray of goat cheese peppers finished when I pulled the spinach and artichoke bites out of the oven. I turned the oven back down so I didn’t burn dinner and loaded another tray.

  Kiana came back in exactly ten minutes later and sighed. She didn’t say anything to me as she handed trays off to the waiters to carry out to the guests.

  “Are you okay in here?”

  I nodded. “I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize people would be here so early.”

  “It’s fine. Alvin was here so we got them drinks. I threw together a fruit tray when I saw you weren’t here. I know I demand a lot of the people who work for me, so if you can’t handle this—”

  “No, Kiana, I can handle it. I promise. I won’t let you down again. Dinner will be ready at five as planned.”

  She held my gaze for far longer than I was comfortable, but I refused to back down. I respected the hell out of Kiana, and I couldn’t let her think I couldn’t handle my job. I could do it. I would do it.

  The next two hours flew past as I cooked dinner for twenty people. We always made extra, but Kiana insisted on feeding the staff as well. There weren’t many people there for a small party, but everything had to be perfect.

  When Kiana came back into the kitchen, she smiled at the plates I had ready to go out the door. She took two and left the waiters to carry the rest on trays loaded up and ready for the rest of the guests.