A love song that he sang just for me. “Whatever you want to sing,” I replied, my voice shaky.
“Close your eyes.”
I did as he asked. When his fingertips caressed my forehead, then my cheek bone, I shivered. He continued, his fingers drifting to my lips. I released a puff of air, and Kai groaned softly.
I opened my eyes, but Kai placed his thumbs over them. He started singing a song I’d never heard. When he sang about counting my eyelashes, secretly, I had to bite the inside of my cheek. His hands left my skin, but his voice wrapped around me, cocooning me in its seductive warmth.
Oh, what he did to me. I wanted these nights to continue, I was falling under his spell. Falling in love with this damaged, beautiful, sensitive man.
“Did you write that?” I asked.
“No. It’s by REM. Called ‘At My Most Beautiful.’ From their greatest hits album”
I opened my eyes. Kai was still facing me, his eyes still searching. A pang of regret hit me, hard. He didn’t want me like I wanted him. Because of Jenna? Nessa said no, but I didn’t have the courage to ask Kai. Anyway, his reasons didn’t matter.
Bottom line: I wasn’t what he wanted. Regret burned its way up my throat. I opened my mouth, ready to ask him to leave, when he started singing again. “Shenandoah”—an old lullaby my mom sang to me when I was young. I closed my eyes and rolled away, needing a moment to anchor myself. Kai needed to sleep. I helped him do that.
The rest, well . . . I was pretty sure my heart wasn’t going to survive intact.
Every night for the next week, Kai slept in my bed. Most evenings, we talked about Sue’s nonplussed reaction to our engagement and our visits to Paige—which we rarely managed to do together now that both our schedules were so hectic with his upcoming midterm exams and my hours at the coffee shop and additional graphs my advisors, specifically the persnickety Dr. Neince, decided were necessary to my dissertation. The anxiety about completing my thesis bloomed, a living, breathing entity that settled on my shoulder and ticked off each day as it passed.
The only time I felt settled was when Kai cradled me in his arms. I longed for those moments when we held each other until sleep slithered over our consciousness. Already, the difference in Kai was noticeable. He was happier than I’d ever seen him.
Amazing what seven to eight solid hours could do for your mood.
This particular Monday, I headed back into the lab, happy to sit at the same chair I’d occupied for the past six years and look through my slides. While I was peering into a microscope, double-checking the data cellular resistance to a particular strain of bacteria, Kai texted to let me know he needed to talk to Dane and Clay about a new gig they’d been offered. Glancing at the clock, I gasped. Three hours of me reviewing data. I bit my cheek. I was going to miss the structure of this environment—the stainless steel countertops and white microscopes. The neat box of slides to the left of my work area. I’d turned down the job offer from the school in Orange County, and I feared I’d never get to set foot in another laboratory again.
I’d worry about that later. Time to head over to the hospital.
Kai called as I walked into the building. “Hey, you,” I said, warming to my new role as Kai’s faux lover.
“Back at you. So I’m going to be a little later than I planned.”
“That’s fine. Paige and I will play with her dolls or something.” I wandered down the hallway toward Paige’s room.
“You in there yet?”
“No.”
“Okay, good. I wanted to give you the heads up. Sue called. Said George and Lydia want to move up the adoption. She told Paige when she stopped by earlier.”
“They can do that?” I asked, my stomach dropping. “But I thought we were supposed to meet with the guardian ad litum to discuss our plans for Paige.”
“Sue told me her boss decided George and Lydia are a better fit for raising our girl.”
My heart flipped at Kai’s words, and I pressed my palm to my chest. My voice was still raspy with pain when I asked, “Why didn’t she wait to tell Paige with us?”
“Probably because she knew we wouldn’t like it and didn’t want us to have a bad reaction in front of Paige. But Sue was adamant this is a done deal.”
As much as I wanted to shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut that wouldn’t change the reality. My breath hitched before I could pull the phone away.
“Evie?”
Somewhere in my heart, I’d gotten used to the idea that I’d be the one raising Paige. I’d hoped . . . The ache at losing that opportunity to ensure Paige’s safety and future happiness burned through my chest.
“Well, I guess that’s for the best,” I said, biting my cheek to keep tears from filling my eyes.
“You all right? I could come there now. Dane and Clay can handle this without me.”
“No, no. You’re doing something important. I’ll deal with my disappointment.” I sighed, letting the feelings slide out. “I guess I built a fantasy, you know? And I wanted it to be real.”
Kai’s sigh rushed through the phone’s speaker. “I get that. I wanted Paige with us. So bad.”
I said goodbye and hung up the phone, listless. The threat of tears still burned behind my eyes. I wanted Paige with me. Until this moment, I hadn’t realized just how much I loved that little girl. But she deserved to be with a family who could provide for her in ways I couldn’t. While I understood Sue’s reasoning, I was angry that she didn’t think my love was enough.
“Hey, Evie!” Chelle called.
I waved but it was half-hearted.
She hugged me hard. “How are you holding up?”
“Not good. But Sue says it’s best.” My lower lip trembled. I stumbled past her toward the bathroom.
After washing my hands and face, I headed back down the hall, calm enough to see Paige.
“Hiya!” I exclaimed as I pushed open the door.
But Paige wouldn’t look at me. She curled tighter into a ball in her bed, looking even smaller than her four years.
“Do you hurt, honey?” I touched her shoulder as concern zinged through my stomach.
“You don’t care,” she muttered.
Wow. I hadn’t seen her this heartbroken. “I’ll get Chelle,” I said, the fear building in my chest.
“I’m not sick,” she said.
“But something hurts?” I prompted.
Paige hiccupped and gripped the sheet.
“Paige, honey, what’s wrong?”
“My heart.”
I reached for the button.
She turned over, her small features scrunched in a fierce frown. Tears rolled down her cheeks and her eyes were red. “I’m not sick!” she cried. “You hurts my heart.”
“How, honey?”
She was silent, stubbornly so. I hovered, unsure how to proceed. The silence built to a painful crescendo.
“You know I love you, Paige.”
“You don’t!” she shrieked. “You don’t care about me.”
I brushed Paige’s long hair back from her cheeks.
Her little mouth twisted even further in anger and she jerked back. “You don’t wants me.”
“Oh, Paige. That is not true.”
“I heards you! You said it was best that I goes with those other people. You say you love me, but you’re letting them take me away.”
Any rejoinder slid from my dry mouth. I closed my eyes, trying to find my equilibrium. Telling Paige the rest of the conversation would just make her angrier with Sue and her adoptive parents.
I didn’t try to touch her again. “This isn’t what I want,” I finally managed to get out.
“Then makes it different,” Paige sobbed. “I don’t likes Lydia and George. They’ll never be my mommy and daddy.”
“Maybe they will. Once you know them better.”
“You don’t understand!”
I rocked back at the intensity of Paige’s scream. How should I placate her? I couldn’t leave her this
upset.
“I’ll come visit you every chance I get.” When I opened my eyes, she’d turned away from me. I hated looking at the narrow expanse of her back, her shoulder blades sharp protrusions like little angel wings under her hospital gown.
“Whatever.”
“Paige—”
“Go away.” Her voice was sullen. “You’re leaving me with mean people. So just go.”
I opened my mouth, searching for something to say that would make her feel better. I couldn’t, so I walked out of the room.
“Where you off to, Evie?” Kai asked. Damn. Getting away was no longer an option. “You were upset so I decided to . . . What’s wrong?”
“Paige thinks I don’t want her. She’s really angry with me.” My chin wobbled and my voice broke. Kai didn’t hesitate. He wrapped his arms around me and he rubbed my back in long, soothing strokes.
“Better?”
I shrugged as I plucked a tissue from the box on the corner of the nurses’ station. Chelle must have set them there. Kai slid both his hands up to my cheeks, tipping my head up so I had to meet his eyes. “I’ll talk to her. Do you want to wait here?”
I bit my lip. “Do you think it’ll help? I mean, she has to be nervous about going home with Lydia and George. Whenever that is.”
“She’s scared. And I forgot to tell you. Paige will go straight to their place once she’s released from the hospital.”
“Oh.” My shoulders sagged. “Well. That’s not long.”
Paige stuck her head out her door. “Kai!” Her smile faded when she saw me in his arms. “Why you still heres?”
“Paige! That’s not a nice tone to take with Evie. She’s done a lot for you and you should—”
Paige turned on her heel and closed the door to her room. Once again, my nose stung with the need to cry, but I blinked rapidly, trying to keep them from falling. Kai looked between the closed door and me.
“I’ll be okay. But I think it’s best if I head home.”
“I’ll come by later?”
“I’ll be there.”
Kai squeezed my fingers. I turned and walked down the hall, not bothering to look back.
When he arrived a couple hours later, Kai brought me pho. Unfortunately, I was too upset to eat it. I’d spent the better part of the trip home trying not to sob, which caused a thick pounding in my head. I’d already put on my pajamas and my hair was pulled back in a haphazard bun.
“You look done in,” Kai said.
I set the soup in the fridge, glancing at him over the door. “You want anything?”
He shook his head. “I’ll just get going.”
Panic sizzled through me. “What? Why?”
Kai rubbed the back of his neck. “Because you’re tired.”
“But you’re supposed to stay here.” My voice rose, a thin line between me and my slipping control. “Sleep with me.”
“Is that what you want?”
I nodded, unable to open my mouth. Who knew what would pour out?
“You’re sure?”
I nodded again, wiping away the stray tear that slid down my cheek. “I don’t want to be alone. She was so mad at me . . . Like I was abandoning her. I—I just wanted her to know I love her.”
Kai pulled me back into his arms. “She knows, Evie.”
“She hates me,” I wailed.
Kai rested his head on top of mine, his palms rubbing big, comforting circles up my back. “No. Not at all. She’s upset because she doesn’t have any control.”
“Neither do I.” I sniffled.
“Right. So we make the best of a bad situation. That’s all we can do.”
I tipped my head back. “It sounds like you’re speaking from experience,” I said.
Kai’s mouth thinned and his eyes darkened. “I am.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, cupping his cheek.
He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. When his lashes fluttered open again, his gaze locked onto mine, filled with yearning and something more. Something intense that my body responded to. Without conscious thought, I scooted forward until my breasts pressed to his chest and my hips bracketed his.
His palm cupped my cheek, his fingers spearing into the hair at my temple. His other arm wrapped around my waist, cinching me even tighter to him. My breasts pressed hard enough against his chest for him to feel my taut nipples. Then his mouth was on mine.
Holy hot cakes. Kai’s lips were firm, supple, and fit over mine with an exactness that melted my knees and heart. Tipping his head, he licked across my lips. I moaned, opening to him.
His tongue worked slowly into my mouth, learning my texture and taste. I pressed closer, my hands sliding up his shoulders and into his soft hair. His tongue wrapped around mine, sucking them both into his mouth. He growled, deep and low, as his hand slid lower, clutching my hip. And the kiss exploded into a carnality I’d never experienced. I never wanted it to end.
Kai pulled back, both of us panting. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he whispered.
“I’m pretty sure you should do it again,” I shot back.
Kai pressed his forehead to mine and took a deep, shuddering breath. “No. Evie, I won’t take advantage of you.”
He pulled back, and I knew he meant to walk away from me. I gripped his wrist hard enough to leave indentations from my nails.
“Don’t go. Please. Kai.” I begged, turning into the most pathetic female he’d ever been around.
He studied my eyes in that disconcerting way of his. My chest rose and fell too rapidly. His eyes, more brown than blue, dropped to my chest, my nipples still prominent under my thin T-shirt.
He didn’t want to be here. I felt his rejection in the tensing of his muscles. I couldn’t take hearing the words from him, not on top of my crumbling relationship with Paige. I spun away, needing an escape from the painful reality that was my life.
10
Kai
I stood in Evie’s kitchen, unsure what had happened, how to fix it. Her running off like that while my brain was still clouded with the most extreme case of raging lust I’d ever experienced . . . from a stupid, hotter-than-any-other-experience-in-my-life kiss. Evie’s mouth was my nirvana and I wanted to lose myself in it again. Soon.
But I shouldn’t. We were friends. That was all. Friends that were engaged for a very specific purpose. Not that I planned to marry Evie. She was a cool chick and I loved getting her take on most topics because she processed information with a rapid assessment I’d never seen before. Those were all great qualities, but after Jenna rejected me last year, that on top of all the emotions from my brother’s death and my mom’s rejection, my heart was too bruised to do more than hang out with someone. Romance—even hooking up—lost its luster until I met Evie. But she was just a friend. A super-hot friend who had an ass I itched to hold.
I had to stop thinking like that. Evie deserved better—someone who loved and respected her. While I respected the fuck out of her, I didn’t love her. Hell, one of the reasons I liked her so much was because I was still fascinated to learn her quirks. Soon enough, my brain would figure out the Evie patterns and I’d get bored.
The only time that hadn’t happened was with Jenna—I rarely anticipated that woman’s crazy statements. She was fun. Almost as fun as Evie. But Jen wasn’t mine, never had been, never would be. Evie wasn’t mine either, and I could never be smart enough or good enough to deserve her—not if both Jenna and my mother dismissed me as unworthy.
The front door taunted me nearly as much as Evie’s soft mouth, her luscious taste, that delectable body pressed to mine. In that moment I pulled back, Evie looked so vulnerable. I couldn’t take further advantage of her emotional turmoil.
But I couldn’t leave her alone either. Not now that I’d added to her pain.
She stumbled out of the bathroom a few minutes later, her eyes wider than Paige’s had been when I played my guitar for her that first time. Taking Evie’s hand, I tugged her to her bed and tucked her in. Trying to
keep my mind from how much I wanted to kiss her again, I sang her the From the First, a new song I’d recently written . . . about Evie. I couldn’t stop replaying that kiss in my head. I only had the chorus and part of the first verse, but the words sat there, red hot and branded deep into my brain. Yeah, this song meant something.
It meant my deepening attraction to Evie. I wanted more. With Evie. I hadn’t wanted a woman—any woman—since Jenna. She’d told me, more than once, I only desired her because she wasn’t interested. Maybe she was right. Because these emotions roiled through me, making my shoulders tense and my balls ache. But the worst part was my heart—knowing I’d caused Evie’s distress hurt me, and I didn’t know how to handle that.
I was sure I wouldn’t sleep, tossing around thanks to my hard-on. But even with my desire for Evie raging, I’d slept a solid eight hours.
I woke before her. We’d gone to bed at ten o’clock—shockingly early for me—and now it wasn’t quite 6:30 a.m. I slid out of bed, already missing Evie’s warmth and the soft caress of her breath on my chest. But I had to be strong. Last night, I’d held her. The problem was after Evie fell asleep, I still held her.
Evie wasn’t as voluptuous as some of those 1950s pinups, but she was well-endowed. Her breasts, those perky globes, just begged to be rolled across my palm, her nipples plucked as she writhed against me. And now I was hard. Like, really hard. I closed the bathroom door and took care of business. Coming out, Evie was just blinking to awareness.
“Oh, hey,” she said, blushing a bright red as she tried to push her hair out of her face. She was gorgeous. Tousled, still warm and soft from sleep. I wanted to lay her back and thrust a thigh between her legs. I wanted to lick my way across all that creamy skin, kiss each of the freckles across her cheekbones.
I wanted to learn her body’s secrets and hear her breathy little moans as I brought her up, closer, to orgasm.
I blinked. Shit. This wasn’t good. Evie was my friend. Just my friend. We’d both agreed to those stipulations and that’s why our arrangement worked. She wouldn’t want me, not once she understood why my mother hated me.
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