“I’m sorry about freaking out last night.”
“No worries. I gotta get going.”
“Um, okay. Want some coffee? Don’t you have a test today?”
No. I want you naked and writhing with the pleasure only I can give you. I shook my head, willing the image from my head. Willing my body to get with the reality that I’d hurt her—I pushed and pushed and pushed at the other person’s limits so I knew how far to go. Now that I was an adult, I realized I’d started the tactic with my mother, analyzing how to stay safe in her affection. In the process, I pushed the people I most wanted, like my mother and almost my brother, out of my life. “I’ll see you later?”
She pulled the sheet up to her neck, her fingers gripping the edge of the soft cotton. “Is everything okay?” Her words were slow, measured.
“Yeah. I just need to get going. I’m going to catch breakfast with Dane and discuss my exam. It’s gonna be brutal.” I wasn’t planning to see Dane—not for this. I had the theory down backward and forward, but now I’d have to, otherwise I would’ve lied. I didn’t want to lie to Evie. The idea of doing so made my chest tight. What the fuck was the matter with me?
“Sure.” She drew out the word. “Um, just quick—Abbi and Nes invited me to another girls’ night. Is that going to be weird for you?”
So I hadn’t covered my anxiety and confusion at all. That wasn’t Evie’s fault. She hadn’t come on to me, not really. I’d kissed her. In fact, I’d been dreaming of doing so for weeks. And I liked the idea of her hanging out with Nessa and Abbi. A lot. I wasn’t going to worry why.
“Nah, it’s fine. Nes and Abbi like you.” I slipped my feet into my shoes. Why did this morning feel like a walk of shame? I wasn’t dissing Evie and she wasn’t kicking me out. I hadn’t done anything but sleep beside her all night, so it wasn’t like I had to feel bad I’d had sex with a woman I didn’t like or even want. If anything, I wanted Evie too much.
If I tried to get in Evie’s pants, I wouldn’t get to sleep with her—as in the actually sleeping part. It’d get messy and Evie would eventually figure out I wasn’t worth the trouble. Abbi and Nessa would breathe down my neck about not treating Evie right.
But as much as I hated to admit it, our current arrangement left me dissatisfied. Probably how many of the girls my freshman year felt as they dressed and prepared to leave. Evie slid out of bed and walked me to her door. She looked sad and a little lost when she told me goodbye.
Now that I was at the door, I didn’t want to walk outside. I shifted from one foot to the other. She wouldn’t lift her head and meet my eyes. Before I realized what I was doing, I’d leaned over and kissed her cheek. I turned and stumbled out the door before I could do something really stupid. Like take her in my arms and beg her to help me forget all my jumbled, messed up feelings for her, and the fear of what was going to happen to Paige, the worry Jenna had been right and I’d used my feelings for her as a shield because the people I loved never loved me back as much. Because right now, all I wanted was to pick Evie up and tumble back in bed. For at least a week.
I texted Dane to let him know I’d be home in a few minutes and hoped to catch breakfast. He didn’t respond, but that was as likely because he was still sleeping as because he was ignoring me. I parked in my spot and stared, unseeing, at the gray concrete wall just outside my windshield.
After an unknown amount of time, I climbed out of the car, still trying to shake the uncomfortable feeling that I’d disappointed or even further hurt Evie. Paige’s response to Evie the night before ripped at her, and now that I’d run away, Evie must be wondering what she’d done wrong. Just having to consider these thoughts irritated me. I opened the apartment door.
“Hey you!” Nessa chirped, clambering off her chair and heading over to peck me on the cheek.
I grunted, heading straight to the coffee pot.
“What’s got you in such a mood?” Dane shoveled cereal into his mouth as he leaned against the counter.
“Can’t you take that to the table? It’s, like, three steps.”
Dane just raised his eyebrow and scooped up another bite. I scowled before I pulled out a mug and filled it with the dark liquid. I wasn’t tired—how could I be when I’d slept better these last two weeks than I had in the previous months? But I hadn’t had any caffeine. That had to explain a good portion of my irritability.
“Hmm! I know. Kai’s not getting any,” Nessa said.
I narrowed my eyes, beyond irritated with her. “Really?” I grunted. “I can’t believe you said that.”
“What?” Nessa asked, opening her eyes wide. “Does she want to wait for marriage?”
“Stop it.”
“It’s because Evie’s so old,” Nessa said.
“And she wants to adopt a kid,” Dane said. “That’s, like, so much additional baggage and responsibility.”
I turned toward them, ready to lambaste Nes, especially, for the unkind words. I couldn’t believe they’d be so cruel, especially now that they’d gotten to know Evie better. Nessa’s eyes gleamed and her lips twitched. So that was her game. Well, I knew how to play, too. And Nes just gave me the perfect out—one I was going to take.
“That’s right,” I said. “That’s exactly why we’ll never be together, especially now that Paige is being adopted by those other people. Evie and I were pretending. All make believe. Thankfully, I’m getting out now and can put this debacle behind me.”
I finished my coffee and pulled out a box of cereal. I opened the fridge and looked inside, disgusted by the lack of choices. Evie’s fridge was filled with milk and eggs and fresh produce. That woman ate more than her five to nine every day. I’d never seen someone use broccoli as a garnish until Evie. Her food tasted great—maybe because she’d been taught by Marilyn. While I’d been surprised when she offered to cook for me a couple of days ago, I wouldn’t ever turn down a meal she was willing to make.
I scowled, thinking about the frittata she’d planned to make me this morning. I dumped the flakes into the bowl, resigned to eating them dry.
“Are you really going to ignore us?” Nessa said. She swatted my spoon from my mouth, causing my cereal to spill onto the counter.
I munched on what I’d put in my mouth, but I wasn’t really considering what Nessa had said. I was a bad bet—and not just because I hadn’t treated any of my former hookups right.
“Yep.”
At Nessa’s consternation, I shoveled another bite into my mouth and munched, trying not to worry about lying about one good friend to another. Nessa continued to stare at me, her eyes filled with hurt, and I relented. A little.
“Look, Evie and I met at a weird time and now that Paige is getting adopted, it’s probably best we part ways, too.”
“She cares about you,” Nessa said, her voice soft.
“Doesn’t mean we should go past the boundaries we’ve set for ourselves. Last time I did that, a girl almost died.”
Nessa’s mouth pressed flat.
“These are different circumstances, and you know it. Jenna was never into you, and you didn’t care when she dated other guys. She was convenient. You both were, to each other.”
All true. I looked over her shoulder, remembering how I’d held Jenna in my arms, helpless to stop the drugs from working their way through her system. Evie wouldn’t look at me today.
“Not different enough,” I said. Turning on my heel, I slammed out of the apartment.
I thought about Nessa’s words most of the day. Part of me wished Jenna would answer her phone so I could talk to her. Get her take on my current situation with Evie. But Jenna continued to avoid me, and that must mean I’d been an even bigger asshole than I thought.
I refused to call Evie. She didn’t need me, and I sure as hell didn’t need to mess her up, leave her broken or worse.
11
Evie
Abbi munched the last of her cookie and picked up another one. “I’m going to have to run twice as far to work off all the
se calories, but these cookies are worth it.”
She and Nessa ambushed me at the coffee shop this afternoon. I’d been at the end of my shift, wondering for the millionth time today what I’d done to upset Kai so much he ran away yesterday. The girls waved to Marilyn, who’d stopped in to check on the food in the case. When she heard Abbi and Nessa cajoling me to spend time with them later, Marilyn handed me a bulging bag of her white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies and kicked me out of the building with firm instructions not to return.
“That’s what Kai said.”
Nessa turned to look at me, her eyes bright with interest. “So you and Kai have been spending lots of time together.”
I shrugged. Not anymore. He’d left yesterday, and I haven’t heard from him since. After he’d held me the night I cried over Paige’s behavior. After he’d kissed me like my lips were his most favorite dessert. He’d run out of here like my apartment was on fire, and I had too much pride to text or call him.
He’d made his point. He regretted kissing me—regretted being with me. Period.
“He didn’t sleep much last night. Watched shit cable until two or three in the morning.”
I bit my lip at the pang Nessa’s words brought forth. “Sleeping with Kai was nice.”
“Nice?” Abbi giggled.
I would have smiled if I thought it was funny. I didn’t. I was cornered, unhappy.
“Sorry,” she said. “It’s just I never thought I’d hear those words together to describe Kai.”
“For realz,” Nessa said, tapping my leg. “He’s not known for sleeping or for being nice. Not that he’s mean or anything. Kai’s just . . . Kai. He does and says whatever he wants.”
“Well, he is.” The anger bubbled up along with my need to defend him. “He strokes my neck and sings to me. Last time it was something he’s been working on, he said.”
“That’s all you do—sleep?”
“We’re just friends, Nessa. I mean, you have to know the engagement was fake.” I tried to keep my voice contained, but now my equilibrium was off. I set my mug down on the coffee table. Well, we had been friends. With Paige being adopted, maybe Kai didn’t want anything to do with me, the weird, older science geek.
“That’s a pity,” she said. “I’d hoped by now he would have realized he’s totally into you.”
“He’s not.”
Nessa leaned forward until she could look into my eyes. “I pushed him. Tried to make him admit he likes you.”
I looked between the two of them as I forced down the happiness bubbling up there. I couldn’t take those words to heart—I couldn’t see more into this than there was.
“Don’t, please. This is between Kai and me. And our shared concern for Paige.”
Abbi scoffed. “He talked about you at least as much as he talked about Paige, and we all know he loves that little girl. I’ve never seen him so protective of anyone.”
I shook my head, wishing I could slough off the weight of worry as easily as I negated Abbi’s opinion. “He can date anyone. Why would he choose me?”
Abbi and Nessa exchanged a look. I sighed and closed my eyes, wishing the situation could be different. Wishing I was different. Better. What Kai needed.
But I’d made myself a promise when I was fourteen years old and one of my mother’s boyfriends hit her hard enough to break her cheekbone. I planned to be with a man who loved and cherished me—faults and all. I cared about Kai, probably too much, but that didn’t make him boyfriend material.
My phone pinged. I wasn’t going to tell them I had a special tone for Kai—that made me seem even more lovesick than they already thought me. I pulled it from my purse.
Rehearsal’s run long. Can’t make it tonight. Got a lot going on. Probably won’t see you this week.
I wasn’t surprised, but I don’t think I did a particularly good job of covering my hurt. Abbi and Nessa saw way more than I ever wanted them to.
“I need to grab something from my car. You’re welcome to stay.” I waved my hand, my ringless hand, at the munchies. I’d taken off the ring this morning once I realized Kai had no reason to be with me. “And eat all this. Because I don’t need it.”
Nessa picked up another cookie. “What?” she said to Abbi. “She twisted my arm.”
Abbi giggled and grabbed another as well. Much as I wanted to smile, I wanted to cry, too. Would I lose Abbi and Nessa, the first female friends I’d made in years, because I couldn’t stand to be around Kai? Since the car accident, my priorities had shifted substantially, which still shocked me. I craved human connection.
“You don’t need to go to your car to cry,” Nessa said, licking her fingers. “Stop trying to be so strong. Kai’s being his normal impossible, dickish self.”
“Did he tell you he wasn’t coming over?” Abbi asked.
I didn’t want her sympathy. Yet somehow I was nodding.
Nessa leaned forward and grabbed her water bottle. “I get that you had a crappy childhood, but so did Kai. That’s why he liked Jen—she gave him someone to focus on without any emotional entanglements. I’ve told him this.”
Abbi tapped her finger to her pursed lips. “I think you’re on to something there, Nes,” she said slowly. “I mean, Kai and Jenna both knew they were bad for each other. Right?”
“Totally,” Nessa said around the big bite of cookie.
“I came into the group later, so all the dynamics were all set,” Abbi said. “Clay and I talked about Kai and Jenna because I didn’t understand their relationship, and we decided they were safe together. For Jenna, she wasn’t anxious around Kai because they were never romantic.”
Nessa set the cookie back on the edge of the plate. “That makes so much sense!” she squealed. “Dane said something like that once—but from Kai’s side. That Jen was his shield against true feelings.”
I brushed off their comments as best I could because they didn’t matter—Kai’s actions did. After the girls left, I considered going to the lab and getting lost in my work. That, alone, soothed me. When, an hour later, I was still too keyed up to relax, I pulled on a sweatshirt and drove to the science building.
Stepping into my lab, I inhaled deeply. This, here, the slides and molecules, the atoms and mathematics made sense. I could check and re-check data, continue to verify my findings, look at further samples to build an even stronger case for my dissertation. I loved science because I could test a hypothesis—study the variables to distill the result down to its most basic component—make it almost binary. Unlike all my jumbled, raging emotions, science was methodical and logical, and I lost myself in the numbers.
Much later, eyes bleary from fatigue, I climbed into my cold, empty bed and sighed at how much I missed Kai. I wanted Kai’s arms around me. I wanted him to sing to me. I wanted him to kiss me again, to hold me.
To love me.
But he didn’t, and, worse, he wouldn’t. I couldn’t foster Paige, not when an adoptive family wanted her in their home forever.
So, really, my life was like it had been, before the accident. Only now I knew just how empty.
The next few days passed in a blur of working at the coffee shop and too many hours spent at the lab, delving back into my research. Dr. Neince finished talking me out of the position at the small Southern California school, saying I could do better. But since turning down the position, my stomach and shoulders ached with constant tension. I kept telling myself I’d be nearer Marilyn. And Paige. And Kai. But I shouldn’t think about him, especially when it came to my future—the one I’d spent years working toward. I spent the next week combing through job openings and rewriting the last twenty-five pages of my three-hundred-and-fifty-page dissertation.
Part of me couldn’t believe the last nine years of study and research, labs and articles were over. Nine years. I’d worked my ass off and had a BS and now a PhD. to show for it. Well, almost a PhD.
I went to see my advisor, Dr. Trenton. “Your work here is stellar, Evie. Simply stellar. I’m
going to send it to my colleague who runs a research lab at Georgetown. She’s looking for someone who’s working with pharma and its impact on end-of-life neurological inputs. She wanted an applicant focused on geriatrics, but your knowledge about neurological responses is a huge tick in your favor.”
“You think she’ll be interested?” I asked.
He smiled one of those big, goofy grins that I found so endearing. This man helped guide not just my research but my life for the six of years. I’d taken his one undergrad class as a junior and he’d called me into his office after our first lab to suggest I pursue a graduate degree in science. I owed my future success, in part, to this kind, grizzled man.
“I do. But first we have to get you through the defense.”
“Friday at three,” I said, rubbing my clammy palms down my jeans.
“Right.” Dr. Trenton took off his glasses and tapped them on his desk. “Be prepared for Dr. Neince to nitpick.”
“You think there’ll be a problem?” I asked, swallowing hard. “I mean, I reran all my experiments she requested for the revisions—which was more than anyone else recommended.”
Dr. Trenton settled back in his chair and swiveled it left then right. “I think you’re going to want to be prepared for any and all questions. Dr. Neince is always difficult to please, and this year, after the rubber stamp our former colleague gave to his two PhD. candidates last year, Dr. Neince is even more particular to prove the work of our graduates is stellar.” His eyes held an apology.
Then why did you put her on my committee? Much as I wanted to ask, I wouldn’t. Dr. Trenton’s patience and guidance had been invaluable as I built my dissertation. And he hadn’t been given a choice. Dr. Neince placed herself on my committee once she realized my research dovetailed into one of the areas of interest she wanted to pursue with another professor at Stanford.
“I’ll be sure to review my notes and bring further graphs.”
Seattle Sound Series, The Collection: Books One to Five Page 108
