There was no way I was going to do that.
“He was afraid you wouldn’t listen to me. Here,” she said, holding out a letter. “Read this.” I wouldn’t take it, so she placed it next to me and left.
What could he possibly say? Whatever it was, I didn’t want to read it. But it was there, and curiosity eventually got the better of me.
With fingers trembling, I opened it up and read.
Audrey,
I know we haven’t exactly been friends. I’ve often envied Caleb’s ability to be close to you and to talk to you. I haven’t been able to do that, and I’m sorry. And because of my inability to be myself around you, now you believe some terrible things about me that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m going to attempt to explain as much as I can. But everything I tell you is private, and I hope you’ll keep it that way.
When you were first kidnapped, Kate told my mom what had happened. Then she left for Pennsylvania to help. There was a website we used to monitor your case, and Kate called occasionally with updates. It was clear that no one knew where you were or even how to find you. For some reason, I can sort of sense people. Usually I have to be familiar with the person to be able to find them.
When you were missing, I felt this compelling need to help you. I went to Kate’s place and asked Mike if I could borrow one of your pictures. I used that picture to try and feel where you were. Assuming you were somewhere in Pennsylvania, I started looking from your house outward. I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s true. I felt something in a particular forest area. Mom called the tip line and told them. I’m not sure whether it helped with the search at all—you weren’t found for another month. Then I saw you in San Diego and I wasn’t sure what to do. You were using a fake name and pretending to be someone else.
Since I’m trying to be as honest as possible, I want you to know that it is much more complicated than this. I can’t possibly try to explain it all to you, especially in a letter, but I want you to know I am here for you. I always will be.
I’m sorry for scaring you and not telling you sooner. I hope you can forgive me.
Justin
I wasn’t sure what to make of the letter, but somehow I felt completely numb and even more exposed.
Chapter 18
I tried not to remember the cabin. It was safest to keep those memories hidden, locked away. For, once opened, it was devastating to relive. After all, that was why I almost killed myself. Unfortunately, every so often, some little event would trigger my memory and it would come flooding back, drowning me.
That day at school, all it took was tripping and falling onto the concrete. I tried to focus on everyone around me, to stay grounded in the present. But my mind wouldn’t cooperate, especially when someone knelt down to help me up. The hand on my arm—it was too much. I remembered being shoved in that cabin, falling flat on my face. I remembered how he would pull me up, only to shove me down again. The way he would touch me, force himself on me, leering at me the entire time.
I took off running to Kate’s classroom. She pulled me into her arms, hugging me. Why couldn’t I get over this? Why couldn’t I act as if it had never happened? Would it ever end?
For the remainder of the day, I either had people asking me whether I was okay—mostly Caleb’s friends—or snickering at me—mostly Hannah’s friends. I tried to pretend that I didn’t care.
And that led me to wonder why Caleb was so nice to me. Was it simply because he lived next door to Kate and had gotten involved? But why stay involved? Why had he chosen to become my friend? And why was I ignoring him?
I had promised Caleb I would attend one of his football games, which was something a friend would do. It was time for me to start reciprocating that friendship. Since Kate had nothing to do, we went together. Normally I would have felt like a dork going with a teacher, but Kate was young and all the students loved her. And I felt safe with her.
We arrived at school and bought our tickets. The band was down on the field, warming up. The beat of the drums reverberated through the air. I didn’t expect so many students to be there—it was packed. Before going to the bleachers, we went to the snack stand. Bad idea. We discovered the teacher who was supposed to run it with the ASB students hadn’t shown up. Kate, being the responsible teacher that she was, volunteered to help out. I really wanted to watch Caleb play, but there was no way I was going to sit all by myself in the stands, surrounded by so many people. Searching the sea of faces, I recognized a lot of them, but didn’t know any of them.
Right when I was about to give up and hide in the snack stand, Maddie from my civics class walked by with two girls I didn’t know. I got her attention and asked if I could join them. She seemed happy to have me tag along. I soon learned that one of the girls was her younger sister, and the other girl was her sister’s friend.
We found seats on the bleachers, and Maddie started rambling on about some guy she liked. It wasn’t until she said that his name was Drew that I actually started paying attention. She pointed him out on the field. Sure enough, it was the same Drew from the beach. He was a lineman. Figured. There was supposed to be a big post-game party at someone’s house, and Maddie was going in hopes of running into him.
I found it amazing that high school football games were pretty much the same no matter where you were. The cheerleaders doing the same cheers, the band, the spectators—all relatively the same. Although, I had to admit, it was much more exciting watching the game with Caleb playing. Back home, I wasn’t friends with any of the football players.
I wondered whether Justin was there. I hadn’t spoken to him since the letter. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say or ask. My feelings were still all over the place. Of course I had forgiven him, and, if anything, I needed to apologize for my behavior. But I wasn’t ready for that conversation yet, especially because of what he’d known all along.
The buzzer rang, indicating halftime. Maddie’s best friend was on the dance team, so Maddie ran down to the fence to get a better view of the performance. I stayed put, keeping our seats.
I glanced around, looking for Justin. When I faced forward again, someone was sitting next to me.
“I’m sorry, this seat’s taken,” I said, tapping the guy on his back.
He turned around and smiled. “I’ll only be a minute.”
I nodded and looked away. Maybe Justin was on the sidelines. It was hard to hear between the music and everyone cheering. Glancing over my shoulder, I realized the guy was staring at me. He said something, but I couldn’t hear. He leaned in closer and I automatically backed up.
His hand reached out to my arm, but I pulled away before he could touch me.
“It’s a good game. Don’t you think?” the guy asked, louder. His dark eyes remained locked on mine, and the corners of his mouth turned up. The guy looked older than me, maybe twenty or so. He was wearing a hat, and blond hair poked out from underneath.
“Do you go here?” I asked.
“No, I’m in college. My friend plays.” He pointed toward the field.
So what was he doing here next to me? He wasn’t talking to anyone else. Where the hell was Maddie? I found her down by the fence, still cheering her friend on.
“You seem nervous. Are you okay?” the guy asked.
“I’m sorry, what did you say your name is?” I looked him straight in the eyes. I didn’t want to show any fear.
“I didn’t. But it was nice chatting with you. Again, fun game. See you soon.” He stood and walked away. It felt like snakes were slithering from my feet up toward my head.
Maddie came running up the steps and sat back down. “That was awesome. I wish I could dance like that. They looked really good tonight.” I barely heard her. Looking around, the guy was nowhere to be seen.
The rest of the game dragged on. I had a feeling I was being watched, but wasn’t sure whether it was my imagination.
I was glad that Caleb saw me toward the end of the game. He appeared to be lo
oking for me when he ran off the field, so I yelled his name and waved. Caleb’s eyes met mine and he smiled.
We won, in large part due to Caleb’s four touchdown passes. After the game, Maddie left to find her sister, and I went to meet Kate.
The snack stand was closed, and Kate was waiting for me with another teacher. It seemed like she was flirting with him. I didn’t know why it shocked me, but it did. Kate’s demeanor changed when she noticed me. She took me aside so no one could hear us.
“I don’t want to abandon you, but Greg invited me out for a drink and I want to go.” She looked at me as if asking for permission.
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “Drop me off at the house. I’ll be fine.” Then I remembered that guy at halftime and realized I didn’t want to be left alone.
“You can’t be by yourself. Can you see whether Caleb can give you a ride home and stay with you?”
Seriously? “Kate, there’s a big party and all the football players are going. He’s done enough already.”
“I know. What about Justin?” Kate began chewing on her nails.
“I don’t think he’s even here.” I could see the disappointment on Kate’s face. “I’ll text Caleb.” How pathetic. I shouldn’t be his responsibility. I asked whether he could drive me home. Kate didn’t need to know he wouldn’t be staying with me. He texted back, saying to meet him at his Jeep. He was leaving the locker room within the next ten minutes.
After saying good-bye to Kate, I waited for a group of students heading toward the parking lot so I could follow them. Safety in numbers. Caleb’s Jeep was easy to spot. He wasn’t that far away when I got there. I watched him walk toward me with two other guys. I kept waiting for the guys to leave, but they all came to the Jeep. All three of them were wearing jeans and T-shirts, and their hair was wet. The two guys I didn’t know threw their stuff in the back. Okay.
“Need a ride?” Caleb asked me.
“If you wouldn’t mind driving me home.” I knew he’d gotten my text going over all of this.
“Talk to Justin yet?” he asked. Only it didn’t quite seem like a question. Almost an accusation. He knew I hadn’t spoken to Justin.
“No.” Why did he keep bothering me about it? I would talk to Justin when I was ready.
Caleb threw his bag in the back with the others’. “We’re going to a party. Want to come?”
The other guys weren’t paying any attention to me; they were talking with some fellow players passing by.
“No,” I said firmly.
“Of course not. Kate home?” Caleb asked with a smug expression.
“No.”
“You don’t expect me to stay with you, do you?”
His point? Because there was definitely a point to all of this. “No,” I said, afraid that admitting I was going to be alone would open me up to doing something I didn’t want to do—like going to a stupid party.
“Aren’t you a bundle of joy tonight. Can you say anything besides ‘no’?”
I glanced at the other guys getting into the Jeep. “You’re right. I’ve been enough of a bother. I’ll find another way home. Have fun at your party.” He was acting like a jerk.
Shock flashed across his face. He was clearly not expecting me to go that route. I started walking, but Caleb quickly blocked me.
“Get out of my way.” I tried stepping around him, but he grabbed my arm.
“You’re not walking home at night. Let’s go.” He led me back to the Jeep. Caleb’s fingers locked with mine. I couldn’t pull away.
“Dude, let’s go already,” one of Caleb’s friends yelled from the backseat.
Caleb introduced me to the guys—Chris and Matt. He opened the door and practically shoved me in. I was intimidated and uncomfortable with the guys in the back.
We took off, much faster than usual, the music cranked to Linkin Park. Chris leaned forward, putting his hands on my shoulders, causing me to flinch.
“You’re jumpy. Relax, we’re going to a party,” Chris said, laughing. I noticed we were going the opposite direction of Kate’s house. “So Makayla, what do you think of our Caleb here? Did he tell you he got a scholarship to UCLA?”
Why were his hands still on me? I reminded myself that this was a situation I needed to face in order to move on. I glanced at Caleb. He took a corner too fast, and I was thrown against the door. Chris released me. Maybe Caleb was dropping them off at the party first? Probably not. I was totally at his mercy. Jerk.
Having three brothers, I had a few tricks up my sleeve that would help me get my way. If I wanted out of a situation, like away from my brothers’ friends, all I had to do was flirt. Worked like a charm.
I turned sideways so I could see Chris. “What about you?” I asked him. “Where are you going?”
“ASU.”
“You must be good,” I said flirtatiously.
“You know, football isn’t my only talent,” he replied, amusement dancing across his face.
Oh, good lord. Seriously?
“Dude—do you mind? Makayla’s like my sister,” Caleb yelled.
“Like a sister, but not.”
Matt, who had been sitting in the back, texting the entire time, started laughing. Caleb was livid. Good. Hopefully he would take me home. I couldn’t believe he would put me in this situation. Although, so far, I was doing okay. As long as nothing happened to remind me of Bill, I should be able to function. I tried convincing myself that this was good practice.
We pulled into a long, curving driveway. After half a mile, we came to an enormous house with over thirty cars parked in front. Music pulsed from inside. Everyone jumped out of the Jeep while I stayed put.
“Makayla, let’s go,” Caleb commanded.
Chris laughed at Caleb. “Good luck with that one. Let me know when you’re finished trying, and I’ll show you how it’s done.” He went inside. Caleb’s face was red. He ran his hands through his now-dry hair.
“Go have fun. I’ll wait here.” I smiled at him.
“No, you won’t.”
I had no intention of going into a party like that. “What? Are you going to drag me in?”
“Why don’t you want to go?”
“Because I don’t want to.” God only knew what was going on in there. My three brothers were constantly warning me not to get myself into a situation like this one.
“Then I guess I am dragging you in. Kicking and screaming.” Was he serious? Two of his teammates parked behind us. “Kevin,” Caleb said to one of the guys getting out of the car. “Can you help me here?” Kevin walked over.
Chapter 19
“I’m coming!” I opened the Jeep’s door and jumped down. Caleb smiled smugly. Another car pulled up next to us—it was a group of cheerleaders, still wearing their uniforms. Couldn’t they change? Caleb grabbed my hand, leading me toward the house.
“What’s with the hand holding?” I asked.
“Don’t want you running away.” He pulled me closer.
“Aren’t you worried people will get the wrong idea?”
“But you don’t care about that sort of thing, do you?”
I hated when he threw my own words back in my face. But what was the point of being here? Did he want to keep an eye on me and wasn’t willing to sacrifice his social life?
Inside the house, it was crowded and the lights were low. I smelled pot. Lovely. Most everyone had a drink in one hand. On the right, what was probably the dining room had been converted into a dance floor. Straight ahead, people were hanging out in the living-room area. Off to the side was a cascading staircase, where several couples were making out on their way upstairs. The back wall was floor-to-ceiling windows, revealing an outdoor pool that people were swimming in. It was one of the biggest homes I’d ever seen, let alone been in. It felt like an episode of MTV Cribs.
Caleb leaned close to my ear. “Want something to drink?” I shook my head. “Good girl.” It was so loud that I couldn’t tell from his tone whether he
was being serious or sarcastic. Although Caleb grabbed a drink, he never let go of my hand. We walked around, talking to different groups. Caleb made sure to include me, and I was forced to talk to his friends. Several people asked if we were together. It felt like I was constantly telling people that Caleb and I were just friends. I longed for my PJs and bed.
“Want to dance?” Caleb asked.
“Definitely not.” The dance floor was slammed with people rubbing shoulders and bumping into one another. At least standing next to Caleb, I felt relatively safe.
He laughed. “Maybe you do need a beer.”
“I’m just not in the mood for dancing.”
“Maybe I can change that.” There was a challenge in his voice, and he had a wicked smile. Thankfully, two of his teammates walked over and started talking about the game and various plays everyone had made.
I tuned them out and scanned the party. Something drew my attention up to the second floor. Justin was walking down the hallway. When he descended the stairs, I saw the girl from school right behind him. I didn’t want to think about what they had been doing upstairs. For some reason, that really bothered me. I knew that, in all likelihood, Justin and that girl were together. I had seen them often enough at school.
I needed to get out of there before Justin noticed Caleb and came over to talk to him.
“Where’s the bathroom?” I asked. Caleb pointed down the hallway and said he would stay put until I returned. I took off, maneuvering around people so no one would touch me.
Inside the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and smoothed down my hair. Okay, so when I went back out there, if Justin and that girl were there, I would need to act casual. Pretend like it didn’t bother me, because why should it? I was with Caleb. Caleb—everyone loved and adored him, he was the quarterback of the football team, and he seemed to like me as a good friend. I could do this.
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