Opening the door, I came face-to-face with Drew. The night kept getting better and better. I moved to go around him, but he grabbed my wrist.
“We need to talk,” he said. Drew was at least a foot taller than me and weighed twice as much. Intimidating, to say the least. He wore jeans and a T-shirt that hugged his shoulders and chest, accentuating his muscles.
“Not really.” I wanted nothing to do with him.
“Yes, we do. I need to apologize.”
That caught me off guard. He tilted his head toward the kitchen at the end of the hallway, and I followed him. Once we were alone, Drew turned and faced me.
“I’m not sure what happened at the beach, but I somehow upset you and I’m sorry.” He sounded sincere.
“My fault. Can’t handle my alcohol,” I said, wanting to end the conversation. I turned to leave.
“Is there something going on with Justin? He seemed a little overprotective the other day.” Drew crossed his arms and his forearms tensed.
“No,” I said, with a pang of regret. “We’re just . . .” I wasn’t sure what to say. Friends? We really weren’t even that. “I need to go. Caleb’s waiting for me.”
“You’re here with him?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Yes, but not that way.” I took a slow step away from him, toward the hall.
“Drew!” Three football players stumbled into the kitchen. I slipped past them before they noticed me.
When I got back to the main room, Caleb was nowhere to be found. Where the heck had he gone? I searched the dance floor and the living room, with no luck. Then I remembered Justin and his girlfriend, and I was afraid of inadvertently running into them. The Jeep was probably the safest place to wait. Turning toward the door, I smacked into Drew, again.
“Want to dance?” he asked.
The smell of pot was overwhelming. It seemed that there was a steady stream of people arriving to the party. Someone bumped my shoulder, and Drew moved closer to me. The music was loud, and I was getting dizzy from all of the bodies and heat pressing in on me. Looking around, I could see there was hardly anyone in the backyard. “I’m going outside.”
I practically ran. The second I stepped through the doorway, it was like a suffocating blanket had been ripped off me. The fresh air and quiet eased my tension immediately. Drew had followed, but I didn’t care. There were about a dozen people playing a game of basketball in the pool. I sat down on a lounge chair off to the side. I kept my breathing steady and counted to one hundred.
All the while, Drew was prattling on about the game, but I didn’t pay any attention. He wasn’t my type and we didn’t have anything in common. So I was utterly shocked when he separated my legs on either side of the chair and sat down between them. I couldn’t believe he was being so obnoxious.
“Drew, what are you—”
He leaned forward and kissed me. He tried to force his tongue into my mouth, but I put my hands on his chest, shoving him back.
“I want you. Let’s go somewhere.”
My eyes widened. He must be drunk—no one was that stupid. His hands slid up my legs to where they definitely shouldn’t be.
I could handle this. No need to lose it. Drew wasn’t Bill; he was just a horny, drunk boy.
“Drew,” I said firmly, surprising myself. I had no idea where my confidence was coming from. “Back off.” He attempted to slide his hands up my shirt. I grabbed his wrists, digging my nails into him. “Get off me,” I demanded, loud enough for people to hear. I was going to kill Caleb for leaving me.
Drew seemed unfazed. Time to scream—and I had been hoping to avoid a scene.
“Get off her,” someone snarled. Justin stood behind Drew, his hands clenched into fists.
“Go away. I’m busy,” Drew slurred. His hand reached for my neck.
Justin stopped Drew’s arm midair. Then he twisted Drew’s arm back until he yelled.
“I said, get off her. Now.”
Drew slid off the chair, dropping to his knees. Justin released his arm. I didn’t know he had it in him. Drew was easily twice as wide as Justin and weighed considerably more.
Justin knelt by Drew, whispering in his ear. I couldn’t hear what Justin said, but the way his eyes shone, I knew it was some sort of threat. Then Justin stood and asked if I was okay.
“I don’t want to be here,” I said, wanting to scream, I was so mad. “I’m trying to get home, but Caleb seems intent on making me socialize. You don’t happen to know where he is, do you?”
Justin was still furious. “No, and I don’t care. I’ll take you home. Let’s go.” Didn’t have to tell me twice. I took off into the house, heading straight for the front door. I was afraid Justin’s girlfriend would show up, but I figured that was better than staying at the party. Probably. Hopefully.
On our way out, we got separated. It seemed like there were twice as many people and there was no room to move. All of the confidence I’d mustered up outside disappeared, and I froze. Count. I just had to count and stay focused. Justin found me and took my hand. A jolt of electricity surged through me. Choosing not to think about it, I held on as we rushed out the front door and to his mom’s car.
I practically threw myself into the passenger seat, and Justin revved the engine. It took him almost five minutes to maneuver the car out of the tight spot it was wedged into. Between the car jerking back and forth, and the party, my head pounded. It reminded me of being in the cabin, starving from lack of food and water. And being physically abused. My body sore from Bill and knowing he was only taking a break before he would force himself on me again. And again. And again.
By the time we reached the end of the driveway, Justin’s hands were shaking and he could barely put his iPod in. Unbelievable. He still couldn’t talk to me. Wonder where his girlfriend went.
I covertly glanced up and caught him staring at me, but the second our eyes met, he jerked his head away and focused again on the road. Whatever. It didn’t matter. I was on my way home and that was all I wanted right now.
Coming to Kate’s, all I had wanted to do was end the pain—and that meant getting away from my family. We couldn’t talk about what had happened to me, and we couldn’t work through it since I was so mad at them. I mean, I knew the kidnapping wasn’t their fault. I got that. What bothered me was that I had tried talking to them about my concerns about Bill, and they’d dismissed them. Said I was blowing things out of proportion.
Movement caught my attention, and I peered at Justin. His hands were strangling the steering wheel. What music was he listening to? I strained to listen, it sounded like some sort of heavy metal. Justin loosened his grasp on the wheel and lowered the volume on his iPod. I looked out my window and realized we were already halfway home, and it felt good.
I couldn’t believe I had contemplated killing myself. How incredibly stupid and selfish of me. If it weren’t for the voice . . . no, I couldn’t think about the voice just yet. I pushed the thought aside for later. I didn’t want to kill myself at home because deep down, I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t do that to my family. So leaving my home made it easier to justify, and I could punish my parents as well.
I was so ashamed about what had happened. How could I talk to my family about being raped? How could I tell them what Bill had done to me? Where he’d touched me? How would I explain that, after a couple of weeks, I gave up and allowed him to do what he wanted? Because it was easier to allow him access than to continue to fight and be hurt even more than I already was.
Justin coughed.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He gave a quick nod before focusing again on the road. I noticed Justin’s jaw tense, and he adjusted his iPod again. He must have increased the volume, because I heard screaming coming from his ear buds.
I started playing with my cuticles. How could I explain what had happened to anyone who hasn’t been through something like it? I felt guilty and embarrassed, and I didn’t know what to do about that. So I withdrew from e
veryone, thinking I would figure it out on my own. I hadn’t realized my family wanted to help me heal.
And I needed them.
Another thing that surprised me about the night was my ability to function. Only a few weeks earlier, just the thought of someone touching me had rendered me useless. And here I was, able to go to a party, bump shoulders, and have a drunken boy all over me.
Which led me to Drew. I never felt comfortable around him, but I was okay around Justin. I learned to trust him, the voice, Kate, and Caleb. My issue wasn’t functioning in society, it was learning to trust again.
And trust was hard.
Chapter 20
Closing the car door, I glanced at Kate’s house. All of the lights were off. She probably wasn’t home from her date yet. There was no way I was hanging out at the twins’ house again, so I headed home. I could do this. I would just turn all the lights on and it would be fine.
When I opened the door, it was pitch black inside. Justin stepped around me and went in. I hadn’t realized he was coming over. Okay. He went around turning all the downstairs lights on. Reluctantly, I went in and locked the door behind me. Justin was still wearing his iPod. Was he staying? Or just making sure I got in okay? He went down the hallway toward the garage, and I headed into the family room.
Justin and I still hadn’t talked, but I didn’t want to be the one to initiate the conversation. Flopping down on the couch, I turned the TV on. If Justin cared to talk to me, he could put his iPod away and join me. Otherwise, he might as well go home.
He ran up the stairs. At least he was thoroughly checking the house. It made me feel better.
There was nothing good on TV. Might as well watch the news and be prepared for current events in civics. A shuffling noise made me look up. Justin stood in the doorway, his iPod gone, and he looked nervous. He kept shifting his weight from foot to foot. His chest rose and fell. Then he came in and sat at the other end of the couch. I wanted to turn the TV off so we could talk, but I was afraid it would scare him away.
Justin grabbed the remote and hit the off button. “You want to talk,” he said softly. It wasn’t a question. He looked conflicted—like he was trying to keep himself on that couch instead of running away. The muscles in his arms were tense, his hands in fists resting on his legs. There was so much I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t know where to begin.
“Let’s start at the beginning,” he whispered. Since my feelings about Justin confused me, I didn’t know exactly where the beginning even was.
He ran his hands through his black hair and let out a deep breath. “Before you start, answer one question.” His eyes locked on mine and my face grew hot. I hoped he couldn’t tell I was blushing. “Are you okay?”
What? Why wouldn’t I be? I glanced down at myself, wondering if he saw something I didn’t.
“It’s just that you’ve been through a lot.” His voice quivered and he leaned toward me. It felt nice that he was taking some interest, but I’d spent so long avoiding him that it felt awkward between us.
“I’m fine.”
“I was afraid tonight might really have upset you. Drew can be such an ass—especially when he’s been drinking.” Why was he speaking so softly? I had to strain to hear him.
“Oh. I’m okay. Actually, I’m surprised. After what happened to me, I couldn’t stand anyone touching me, even my own mom. I don’t know what’s changed, but something in me is different.” I couldn’t explain to him how my body was responding. I didn’t understand it myself. All I knew for certain was that Drew’s touch and Bill’s touch weren’t the same.
Justin scooted closer to me and reached forward, taking my hands in his. His hands were warm. “Is this okay?” I nodded. It felt safe. Then he rubbed his thumbs against my palms. Justin’s eyes remained on our hands. His gentle touch made me tingle, and I wanted to feel more of him.
“I need to apologize.” He cleared his throat and looked me in the eyes. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend since you came to San Diego,” he said in a clear voice.
It felt like a bomb exploding in my head. Every time I had been around him, his voice was either hoarse, or a whisper, or there was something to mask it. The only other time I had heard his voice clearly was that one time in the backyard—and I chose not to think about that. Now I couldn’t ignore it.
Justin’s thumbs stopped moving, and he held my hands tight. The veins in his arms protruded. It felt like he was trembling. His eyebrows bent inward. It’s like he knew what I was thinking—he had been answering my unspoken questions all night.
His eyes widened. My hands hurt, he was squeezing them so tightly. As soon as the thought passed through my mind, he lessened his grip on me.
Oh. My. God.
“Audrey . . . I . . . um. . . .”
I shook my head. This was impossible. I couldn’t even begin to grasp what it meant.
“I want to explain everything to you,” Justin tried again. “This is just as hard for me as it is for you.”
Was that what he meant by sensing people? I felt naked. Did he know all my thoughts? And I was trying so hard not to think about it, but was he the voice in my head? How was that even possible?
“Please, let me explain.” He wouldn’t release my hands. I needed to be alone to sort through everything. “Let’s talk about it. Then I’ll leave you alone to figure out how you feel.”
He knew what I was thinking. Tears came to my eyes. I wanted to run and hide.
“Hey, guys.” We both jumped as Kate walked into the family room.
Justin released me.
“How was your date?” I asked, trying to gather my composure.
“A lot of fun. Did I interrupt something?” Her eyes darted back and forth between us. Justin’s face was as white as newly fallen snow, and just as blank. He kept his focus on his hands. What was going through his mind? His eyes flickered up to my face and away so quickly, I almost missed it.
“I need to go.” He got up and headed for the door.
Kate looked at me and mouthed, “You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m gonna walk him out.” I hurried after Justin. He opened the front door, and I thought he was going to leave without acknowledging me, as usual. Suddenly he swung around. My back hit the wall, and Justin leaned forward, gently placing his forehead on mine.
Even though I was confused and furious, it all subsided the moment he touched me. An overwhelming need consumed me. I wanted to throw my body against his. I wanted to feel him, touch him. His breathing became fast. It was like puzzle pieces fitting together. Even though I had no idea what was going on, I felt tied to him. I wanted to take that last step forward and close the distance between us, but I was frozen in place. Did he feel the same way?
Justin’s forehead was still on mine. Then his hands cradled my face. Our lips were so close.
“Will you let me explain tomorrow?” he whispered. His breath was warm as it brushed my face.
“Yes.” I was afraid to say anything else and ruin the moment.
He closed his eyes. “Thank you.” I licked my lips. His hands slid down to my shoulders and, before I could react, his lips brushed my cheek.
The second his hands left me, the connection broke. It felt like a part of me left with him.
The door clicked shut. I finally had a face and a name to go with the voice—Justin. Somehow it all made sense, and I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
***
Running through the forest, I could barely see where I was going, because it was so dark out. I tripped on a rock and fell. Scrambling, I regained my footing and took off again. My side cramped, but I kept on running.
Laughter echoed throughout the forest like thunder, coming from all directions.
There was movement up ahead, so I slowed down. Straining my eyes, I tried to figure out what it was.
The shadow glided toward me, and I took a step back. Hands came down from behind me and rested on my shoulders, holding me in place.
I screamed.
One of the hands left my shoulder and snaked around my throat, lightly squeezing. “You can yell all you want,” Bill hissed in my ear, “but there’s no one here to save you.”
The dark shadow moved closer, morphing into stalker guy. Smiling, he came up to me, his chest only inches from mine.
“I’ve been waiting for you.”
Bill squeezed my neck more tightly. I tried prying his hands away, but he was too strong. “It’ll be so much easier for you if you just relax. Don’t fight us,” Bill hissed.
“That’s right,” stalker guy purred. “Don’t fight. You’ll see, two is so much more fun than one. You’ll like it. I promise.”
Bill released my throat and slid his hands down my arms, pinning them to my body. My legs were like tree stumps, rooted to the floor.
Stalker guy reached for me.
I screamed.
“Audrey, wake up.” Kate shook me. The black forest faded away when I opened my eyes to another beautiful sunny day. “You were yelling in your sleep.”
“Bad dream.” My body was shaking, and my hair was plastered to my face.
“Want to talk about it?” Kate asked.
I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it. I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
“Why don’t you get dressed. We’ll go out for breakfast.” Kate tried to suppress a smile as she left my room. She looked guilty, like there was an ulterior motive for taking me out. Hopefully Kate didn’t expect me to gossip about Justin.
The café was packed. I found a small table by the window while Kate ordered our food. Several people wore exercise clothes, others read newspapers, and a few even had a small dog with them. Seriously? At a place where people eat? Gross.
Kate slid into the seat across from me, with a tray holding two cups of coffee and two bowls containing some sort of dark purple pudding with granola and banana slices on top. I wrinkled my nose.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t had an acai bowl before,” Kate said.
The Voice Page 13
