Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I could tell him, but I’m not sure I could deal with the look on his face. I don’t know how I’d take his retreating backside as he runs for the hills. I don’t need his money and maybe he won’t realize the timing. I know giving him the option is the right thing to do, but I don’t want him around out of obligation. We both screwed up that night. We both don’t need to pay. I’m perfectly happy taking on the motherhood role while he lives his playboy life.

  Jimmy doesn’t look at me and five minutes into our pretend relationship I’m already getting the cold shoulder. “I guess I should probably go in.”

  “Yeah he’s waiting to ask you some questions about your ex.” Jimmy looks at me over his shoulder. “You know he’ll never touch you again, right?”

  My lips form a thin line. “I know, but honestly that scares me. I don’t want you guys to get hurt because of me.”

  “You’re family, Jenna. Liam and Harrison won’t let anything happen to you.”

  I nod. It doesn’t escape me that he said Liam and Harrison. What about him? He’s probably not counting himself because he won’t be here next week. Mister “blow into town, break some hearts and leave again”, just when we’re used to him coming around. I get up and walk back into the house, leaving him on the porch. He confuses me. If he’s supposed to be my pretend boyfriend don’t you think he’d walk me in and act like it in front of my suitor? Not Jimmy. I have the most obtuse pretend boyfriend in the history of pretend boyfriends.

  “Jenna,” Paul says when I enter the room. I want to turn back around and head outside and sit in silence with Jimmy, but I step forward with a fake smile on my face. I sit down next to Liam and Harrison even though there’s a seat next to Paul. He looks at the empty seat and shrugs. “Had a scare tonight, I hear?”

  “Yeah,” I say, because what else can I say? No, I wasn’t scared that my psycho ex who beat the ever-loving shit out of me showed up in the town where I’ve been hiding for the past four years?

  “What’s his name?”

  I look down at my slightly protruding belly. I know no one suspects anything, you can’t tell unless I lift my shirt up and I won’t be doing that until I can figure out a way to tell Josie.

  “Jenna?”

  “Um… sorry. His name is Damien Mahoney.”

  Paul writes down his name on his notepad. “I have to ask this, but is Jenna Palmer your real name?”

  I shake my head slowly. I feel all eyes on me, but I can’t look at them. “Jenna’s my first name, but Palmer is something my dad came up with. He had some documents made up with the name before I left town.”

  “How do you think he found you?”

  “I don’t know. I call my parents once a week from a disposal cell phone.”

  “You’ve taken a lot of steps so he can’t find you.”

  I nod. It seems like it as I tell them, but it didn’t work. “I guess not enough since he found me. I should’ve left Beaumont a year after I got here. That was the plan. That I’d move around to keep the trail cold, but I met Josie and… well it’ll be almost five years here and I couldn’t bear to leave. But I’ll be gone soon.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I look up to see Josie and Katelyn standing in the entryway. I bite my lip to keep myself from crying. “I need to move on.”

  “No you don’t, you can stay here. We’ll protect you from this sicko,” Josie says.

  I shake my head. “I can’t put you and the kids in harm’s way. I don’t know what he’ll do and I couldn’t live with myself if he hurt one of you or the kids. It’d kill me.”

  “Leaving might be a bit drastic. Let me look for him and see what I can do to diffuse the situation,” Paul offers. “I think you’ll have enough protection here. Liam has his normal crew and he’s already spoken to them about adding staff around everyone. If we can keep the paparazzi out of Beaumont, surely we’ll get an abusive ex-husband out.”

  “Okay,” I say, but have no intention of staying. It will also be best for the father of my baby if I just leave. My luck, my baby would look just like him and everyone in town would know. I know how Josie felt, especially when Liam came back. Everyone suspected that he was Noah’s father, but she never let on. But when Liam showed up in town, everyone’s suspicions were confirmed. They’re getting their happy ending though. I won’t be so lucky.

  “For now, I hear you’ll be staying here.”

  “Oh no—“

  “Yes she is.” Both Liam and Josie say at the same time. I don’t know who to look at first. I choose Josie. She’s standing next to the table with her hands on her hips. She’s challenging me to defy her. Liam has his arm resting on the back of my chair. He cocks his head to look at me. He’s waiting too. No wonder those two make such a great pair.

  “I have an apartment.”

  “And he probably knows about it,” Liam says in his fatherly tone.

  “My things are there.”

  “We’re going over there tonight with Paul to get your things. You can come, but I’d prefer it if you stay behind.”

  “Liam, there are things women like to pack themselves.”

  “Then you go with us, Josie. I don’t think it’s a good idea for Jenna to be out there tonight. He’s out there waiting for her. He probably knows where she lives and is just waiting for her to come home and that’s not happening on my watch.”

  “Or mine,” Harrison adds.

  “Mine either,” Paul says. The only one missing is my pretend boyfriend who hasn’t come back in. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but if he’s serious, no one is going to believe that he’s my boyfriend.

  “Mine either. I was walking around outside and noticed a car down the road. Whoever is in the car has a torch because when I started walking towards them, it was switched off. If it’s him, he’s looking for an opportunity. Josie and I can go and get Jenna’s stuff, but I think Liam and Harrison should stay here with Jenna. Paul, you should leave and circle back around and maybe check those license plates unless he follows us out of here.”

  The room goes quiet as Jimmy stands in front of us. We hadn’t heard him come in, but the room falls silent when he speaks. Mouths open and close again. No one’s sure what to say in response to his outburst. He must’ve been thinking about this for some time to come and assert himself.

  “Sounds like a good plan,” Paul says, standing up and leaving the table. Everyone starts shuffling around me. My need to move on, to leave Beaumont, has fallen on deaf ears. If I’m to do this, I’ll have to do it in the dark of night.

  “What do you need from your apartment?” Josie asks when she sits down next to me. She has a piece of paper and a pen in her hand. Her paper says mommy notes and I realize that the kids are nowhere to be seen.

  “Where are the kids?”

  “Mr. Powell has them. We thought it would be better if they stayed away tonight.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  Josie looks up and smiles. She rests her hand on top of mine. “You’re family, Jenna. You’re important to me… to us. Please let us help.”

  “He’s dangerous.”

  “Yeah well my husband is big and likes to hit things so he can be dangerous too.”

  I know she’s trying to make light of the situation and I do smile at her comment, but I don’t want them to bend over backwards more than they already have.

  “One night,” I say with no conviction. Josie rolls her eyes and nods, but I have a feeling she doesn’t believe me, not that I believe myself. I tell her what I need and where she can find everything. She kisses me on the cheek and yells for Jimmy. I jump when the front door shuts and anxiety builds knowing that Damien is out there and he could be watching this house, waiting to pounce on my friends.

  “Everything will be fine.” Katelyn sits next to me and holds my hand. I hate feeling like this. I worked hard to get over the things that happened to me, but in the blink of an eye he’s back and I feel on edge and afraid.

  “I wish it were that ea
sy.”

  “It can be, if you think positive. Maybe he just wants to talk or maybe after Paul gets a hold of him he’ll realize that Beaumont isn’t safe for him. Harrison and Liam aren’t going to let anything happen to you and neither is Paul. You have friends here, Jenna, friends that care and love you. Liam thinks of you as his sister. So do I.”

  “Yeah,” I say, my voice breaking. She’s going to make me cry and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

  “We’ll be more hurt if you leave us or if we don’t beat this psycho at his own game. You’re one of us whether you like it or not.”

  Thing is, I like it. I’m just afraid of what they’ll think when they find out I’m pregnant. I don’t even want to know what they’ll do if they find out who the father is. That’s a secret I’ll take to the grave.

  AS soon as we drive onto the road, the car I spotted earlier turns its lights on. He thinks he’s being a sly little shit, hiding in the dark like the big bad wolf. What he doesn’t know is that Paul is lurking behind Liam’s gate waiting to see if the car moves. I watch out of the rear view mirror as Paul’s lights flash. Josie turns around and watches while I drive her car away from the scene that’s taking place behind us.

  “Should we stop?”

  “No, we’ll get in the way,” I say even though I want to turn around and get a good look at this dickhead so I can try and protect Jenna. “We need to get her stuff and get out of there while Paul is talking to this guy. We don’t know if he knows where she lives, just where she works and we have to make sure she’s never alone.”

  “That’s really nice, Jimmy.”

  “What?”

  “You wanting to take care of Jenna. I don’t know you’re not around much so it’s usually just the five of us. I’m really hoping to set Jenna up with Paul.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  “He likes her and he’d be good for her. We’ve known him for a long time. He’d make a good husband.”

  For some unknown reason my jaw clenches together. My teeth grind at the thought of Jenna being with Paul. I shouldn’t give a shit. She’s just a friend. A friend that I care about a little more than I should.

  I remain silent until we arrive at Jenna’s apartment. I look around as I get out of the car. There’s no sign of the car or Paul and I’m hoping they’re still talking. Josie and I run up the stairs and down the hall to the apartment. I look around, mentally taking a note of her neighbours. It’s very quiet up here so if she were to scream I’d like to think someone would hear her. But then again, if this was LA and someone screamed they’d ignore it, so who knows?

  Josie lets us in and gets to work. I tell her we should keep the lights off if at all possible so we don’t draw attention to her ex in case he’s outside.

  “Where did you learn all of this?”

  “What?” I ask, picking up a photo of Jenna and Josie from the wedding.

  “Well you were pretty impressive at the house, directing everyone and now with the lights.”

  “Oh… my ex-girlfriend’s uncle is a detective and in her dad’s attempt to change me he got me to go on the beat with his brother for a few nights. The guy talked a lot, and I listened.”

  “Was that Chelsea?”

  I look up and find Josie standing in front of me. I put the picture of Jenna down. “Yeah, how’d you know that?”

  “Liam told me, said you weren’t always a womanizer.”

  I can’t help but laugh. He’s one to talk. “I’m not a womanizer. I just like women.”

  “Same thing, Jimmy. You need yourself a good girl to keep you happy.” I smirk at the thought. There’s one woman I’d like to keep me happy, if she was willing, but I have no doubt she wants nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, that’s something I need to accept and move on.

  My phone vibrates. I take it out of my pocket and shake my head at the irony of the situation.

  “Speak of the devil,” I say aloud.

  I’ve been thinking a lot. I want to see you.

  I don’t even know if I should respond or ignore Chelsea. She puts my head into a mind-fuck. I wanted to marry that girl and have gorgeous babies with her, but she ruined me. She made me feel like I was worthless. She made me think that everything we had shared meant nothing to her.

  “You okay?”

  I clear my throat and put my phone back in my pocket without sending a text back to Chelsea. “Yeah, you ready?” I reach for the bag she’s carrying and put in on my shoulder. I follow her out. I look around Jenna’s apartment and try to picture her in it, curled up on the sofa reading a book. In my mind she looks happy, content.

  I walk down the stairs first and tell Josie to wait when I step out onto the path. It’s late and there isn’t much traffic. The wrought iron lamppost casts a soft haze over the street. I look left and right, trying to decide if anything is out of place. I nod at Josie. She walks out and heads towards her car, climbing into the passenger seat. I walk around to the driver side. As I step onto the road, a car whizzes past and slams on their breaks. They stay in the middle of the road with their lights shining.

  “Get in the car, Jimmy,” Josie yells.

  I scramble, opening the door and sliding in just as they reverse past us. I turn on the ignition and put it into gear.

  “Call Liam and tell him that we’re being followed. We can’t go home right now.”

  “He knows where we live.”

  “I know he does. He also knows where Jenna lives, and he doesn’t need to know we are heading back to your place. Find out where Paul is.”

  Josie speaks to Liam as I drive around. I’m watching my mirrors, waiting for this arsehole to come up behind me.

  “Liam says go to the house.”

  “He does?”

  “Yeah, he says security is there and the gate will be locked tonight.”

  “Okay.” I do as Liam suggests and drive back to the house. We aren’t followed, which is suspicious to me. What is this guy playing at?

  We get stopped at the driveway and the car is checked. I know it’s a precaution and I’d be doing the same thing, but for God’s sake, I have the owner of the house in the car with me. As soon as we’re given the okay, the gate shuts. It’s a fortress here. Liam had walls and massive fencing put up when he bought the house. He didn’t want anyone watching his son. I don’t blame him. If I had one, I’d never take him out in public.

  Josie and I rush into the house. She runs straight into Liam’s arms.

  “What the fucking hell is going on?”

  “We don’t know,” Liam replies. “Paul called from the station to say he had the driver of the car in custody, but wouldn’t say if it was Jenna’s ex, just said that you were right. I called him about this other car and he thinks it’s a bunch of teens just screwing around.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me?”

  Liam shrugs. “I did that shit when I was a kid so why not.”

  “That’s such bullshit. Those fuckwads scared the crap out of your wife.”

  “I’m fine, Jimmy.”

  I throw my hands up in exasperation at this whole mess. I see Jenna sitting down and carry the bag in my hand over to her.

  “Thanks, Jimmy.”

  I kneel down in front of her and watch as she hides her face from me. She doesn’t want me to see her crying.

  “You don’t have to hide from me.” She sees all the ugly that I am; I should be able to see hers too.

  “You give me whiplash, Jimmy.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Jenna sighs and wipes her face with the back of her hands. “It means that one moment you’re this untouchable rocker who doesn’t care and then the next you’re this sweet guy who does.”

  I sit back on my heels and look down at the floor. Is that how others see me too? I look at her. Her green eyes glisten from her tears. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to confuse you. I’m just being me.”

  “Yeah I know,” she says this so sadl
y that it makes my heart ache. What did I do to her to cause her pain? It’s stupid, I know what I did and that’s exactly why it won’t happen again. “We’re friends, right?”

  “Of course, we are.” I get up from the floor and sit down next to her on the sofa. I’d pull her towards me, but I don’t want her to feel awkward. It’s hard to stay friends with someone like her, but I’m going to try even if she doesn’t want to be my friend. “Do you know what you need?”

  “What’s that?”

  “A holiday.”

  Jenna laughs. “That’d be nice, but I make just enough money for me to pay rent and live. I don’t save for things like a vacation.”

  “I’ll pay.”

  She shakes her head. “No, I’m not borrowing money from you.”

  I sit up so I’m in her eyesight. I pull her chin up so she’s looking at me. “I think we should go somewhere for a week or two. Let things settle down and just relax. Besides, I think we have some things to discuss.”

  “I don’t know, Jimmy. It feels wrong and I don’t want to be a third wheel.”

  “Third wheel?”

  Jenna sighs and fiddles with her fingers. “I don’t want to watch you hit on women.”

  Does she actually think I’d take her on a holiday and go on the pull for other women? This girl is crazy. Her ex messed her up good and proper, that’s for sure.

  “Sweet Lips, I want to take you on a holiday so we can relax. We can lie on the beach, drink some girly fruity crap, have fun in the sea and eat overly expensive food. I want to do this because you’re my friend.”

  She blanches at the word friend. I don’t blame her, but I need to keep the lines defined. I’m not boyfriend material for her and I don’t want her thinking I’m going to settle down like Liam and Harrison have.

  “It’s just a holiday, Jenna, nothing more.”

  “I’ll have to ask Josie for the time off.”

  “Do you really think she’s going to say no?” I ask, trying to stifle a laugh.