Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Well, it’s time. Okay, Jenna, on the count of three I want you to push.”

  “How the hell do I do that?”

  “I thought you said you had to go to the bathroom?” he asks.

  “I do, but you won’t let me up,” I beg.

  “Jenna, it’s your body’s way of telling you it’s time to push. Push out your little girl so you can meet her.”

  Easier said than done in my opinion, but it’s clear no one cares what I think.

  Jimmy helps me sit up. He holds my hand as I bear down.

  “It burns.”

  “Again, Jenna.”

  I do this again and again. Over and over. Each one is more taxing than the one before. Jimmy feeds me ice chips in between the contractions and pushing. He also wipes my forehead for me and moves my hair away from my face. He’s doting when all I want to do right now is punch him in the junk. I never want to do this again.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I say, out of breath.

  “Yes, you can, Sweet Lips. Just one more time.”

  “Oh, what do you know? You’re never touching me again with that evil penis of yours. It’s bad news.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? What, am I not sexy enough to have sex with now? Is it my fault my vagina is going to be as wide as the Atlantic?”

  “With proper exercises you can decrease the stretching,” the nurse by my head says. Jimmy and I both look at her. He shakes his head and mutters, “not cool.”

  “Jimmy it hurts.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Okay, Jenna, she’s almost here. Take a look,” the doctor says.

  Jimmy and the nurse lean me forward and I can see the top of her head. She has dark hair – it’s slimy now but I bet it’s beautiful.

  “Look, that’s our baby.”

  “She’s going to be gorgeous like her mum,” he says, kissing me on the lips. “One more push, Sweet Lips, and you’ll get to hold her.”

  I nod and bear down again. I scream, hoping that the exertion will move her along. I cry when the pressure releases and fall back against my bed. Jimmy stands there looking at the doctor as he’s handed a pair of scissors. Wailing starts immediately and while I should be concerned that he’s cut our child, I’m not. I’m falling in love with someone I haven’t even seen yet.

  Little One is set on my chest while the nursing staff and doctors finish up with me. Jimmy sits down beside us. He takes my hand in his and brings it to his lips.

  “I’m afraid to touch her,” I say.

  “I know, me too. We might break her.”

  Little One opens her eyes briefly before closing them again.

  “You should hold her,” the nurse says.

  I run my finger down her nose and over her cheek. She reacts by moving her head to where my finger is going. I try not to giggle, but I can’t help it.

  “She’s fucking beautiful, Jenna. Thank you so much.” Jimmy stands and kisses me before kissing Little One.

  “She is, isn’t she?”

  The nurse takes her from us to run all the necessary tests to make sure she’s okay. To me, she looks perfect, but I’m her mom; I’m going to be biased.

  I hold Jimmy against my chest, my tears wetting his hair. “I’m sorry for being so mean.”

  He shakes his head and pulls away. His eyes are filled with tears, and one is definitely bruised giving him the bad boy vibe. “I love you so much, Jenna. As long as you never tell me to leave you, I don’t care what you say to me.”

  I’M left in the “Pepto” room (as Jenna calls it) with just a few nurses, while another one takes Jenna to the bathroom. I watch them as they weigh and measure Little One, whose arms are waving around like crazy. She looks like a little boxer and has a set of windpipes that can go on for days. I’m not sure how on earth I’m going to get used to this crying. It just means I’ll have to find a way to appease her. To make her happy because hearing her scream her little lungs off like this makes me want to take her in my arms and hold her tightly so I can take away her worries. Worries that she shouldn’t have because her daddy is going to make everything better.

  Daddy.

  Daddy.

  The word falls off my tongue like it’s a foreign word. Even though I’ve said it many times when Jenna was pregnant it didn’t have the meaning that it has now. I’m her daddy. I’m going to be the person she’ll go to until some bloke comes along and tries to take my place. I’m responsible for this little creature and will be until she tells me that she’s old enough to take care of herself. I can never see that happening. I’m going to make sure she always needs her daddy.

  Jenna comes out of the bathroom looking as beautiful as ever. Her smile lights up her face and makes her eyes sparkle. She just accomplished a feat so glorious I’m not sure I can love her anymore. She brought my daughter — our daughter — into this world and has made our family complete.

  The nurse guides her to the bed, and helps her get comfortable. How Jenna can walk after giving birth astounds me — she is frikking amazing. After what I just witnessed her body go through, I’d be bloody knackered. I’d probably want to curl up in a ball and beg for my mum to come in and make it all go away. I can admit I’m chicken shit when it comes to pain. That thought alone makes me grateful that I don’t remember being shot. I’ve experienced enough of the horror story from Liam and Harrison to know it was a fucking nightmare. I’m perfectly fine remaining ignorant and not remembering all the pain I was in.

  I don’t know what to do. Go to Jenna or continue to watch the nurses fuss over Little One? They’re gushing — as they should be — at how beautiful she is. She looks like Jenna, but with dark hair. Not gonna lie, I was hoping she’d have dark red hair, a mixture of mine and Jenna’s, but I’ll take her just the way she is because she’s ours.

  Little One is wrapped up in a blanket and carried to Jenna. The nurse bypasses me as if I’m not even in the room. I get that she’s the mother, but what am I? Do women really just consider the man the “demon sperm donor” and nothing else?

  I follow the nurse like a lost puppy dog as she hands Little One to Jenna. She’s sitting up, smiling. When I look at her, I see nothing but pure elation. It dawns on me that she was going to have Little One whether I was in the picture or not. I should feel good about that, but a part of me wonders where I’d be right now if I wasn’t here. Nowhere, that’s where. I’d be lost and still trudging through mud trying to find a purpose in life. I’d be half the man I am now and knowing that, I wouldn’t change what I’ve got now for anything.

  Jenna looks at me after Little One is placed in her arms. The nurse leaves the room, giving us time to bond with our daughter. Jenna pats the side of her bed, beckoning me to sit next to her. I can’t deny her. I’ll never be able to deny her of anything she wants from me. I climb onto the bed slowly and with caution. I know she’s sore, but she’s not showing any signs of being in pain. It’s easy for me to remember how gentle she was with me when I was in a bed like this. Her touch was as light as a feather and she left me begging for more. I wanted to hold her then and I want to hold her now.

  My arm rests on her shoulder allowing my fingers to touch the top of Little One’s head. She’s wearing an offensive pink hat – the sure-fire sign that she’s a girl – because all babies look the same; except my daughter is beauty personified. Jenna runs her finger along Little One’s cheek and she raises it in a little smile.

  Jenna reaches up to her shoulder and unsnaps her gown. Her glorious boob appears magically and while I shouldn’t be turned on, I am. I know I’m going to hell thinking that my wife, who has just given birth, is ready for sex, but I can’t help it. I watch in awe as she brings Little One to her chest to feed her. We learned about this in Lamaze class and if I hadn’t just witnessed this moment I wouldn’t believe it. Little One knows exactly what to do.

  “Amazing” I say quietly.

  “She is, isn’t she?”

  “Her mum is too.” I kiss Je
nna on the forehead as she feeds our daughter. Every so often she runs her finger over Little One’s cheek causing her to start sucking again.

  “Does it hurt?”

  “A little. The nurse said my nipples wouldn’t be used to the sucking.”

  “Bollocks, I suck on them all the time.”

  Jenna rolls her eyes. “It’s different.”

  “Want me to suck on the other one to get it ready?”

  Jenna gives me a dirty look, but I burst out laughing. “No, Jimmy. You have to be patient.”

  “How patient?” I’m afraid to know the answer.

  “At least six weeks.”

  “Six weeks? But I just got you back yesterday.”

  She shakes her head and pulls Little One away from one of my favourite parts of her body.

  “How do you know she’s finished?”

  Jenna shrugs. “My milk’s not in yet so right now she’s just getting my antibodies to help her fight any infections.”

  “And that’s enough?”

  “It is for right now.”

  “Amazing.”

  JENNA and I agreed that I’d take Little One out to the waiting room for everyone to meet her. She’s tired which is understandable and doesn’t want any company right now. Jenna places our daughter in my arms. A surge of warmth spreads through my body as I hold her to my chest. I wish her eyes would open so I could see her and she could see us. I know she’s going to be the most loved little girl ever. All in due time I suppose.

  “I love you, wifey. I’ll be back soon.” I kiss her on the lips before taking our baby out of the room. I don’t want to be gone too long, but I know the importance of the group waiting to see her. They’re my family.

  As soon as I open the door the two grandmothers meet me. How Jenna’s mum got here so quickly is beyond me, but she’ll be happy to know she’s here.

  “Say hi to your nana and grandma,” I whisper into Little One’s ear. She doesn’t react, but the mums do. They both cover their mouths and allow the happy tears to flow freely.

  “Oh Jimmy, she’s so beautiful,” my mum says.

  I nod. “You should see her mum, she’s the most gorgeous woman in the world.”

  Mrs. Hardy steps forward. “Can I?”

  As much as I want to say no, I can’t. Her baby just had a baby and I can’t begin to imagine what she’s going through. I place Little One in her arms and watch in amazement as the woman who gave me Jenna coo’s over our daughter.

  “She’s so perfect.”

  Again, I’m not about to disagree with her on that one.

  The mums take turns holding and gushing over the baby. I stand back and watch, wishing Jenna were witnessing this. But she wants to get some rest and I understand that more than anyone.

  Finally, after a long torturous five minutes, they hand her back to me. The moment she’s in my arms, I’m both elated and calm. My heart is racing but in a good way. I’m breathing easily now and don’t feel like I’m going to struggle anytime soon. Did I need Little One to make me feel this way?

  I walk into the waiting room and am met with a sea of eager faces. Josie and Katelyn are the first to stand up, but they keep their distance. Liam and Harrison stand behind their significant others and it dawns on me that I’m the only one that has witnessed their child being born. I can’t even begin to imagine what’s going through their minds right now.

  I hold my arms up so they can see my daughter. The women, of course, gasp.

  “I’d like to introduce Eden Davis who made her way into the world at 11:59 am weighing six pounds and eight ounces.”

  “Eden?” my mum says.

  I nod. “Yeah, her name is Eden or Little One. I’m pretty sure she’ll answer to both.”

  “Such a pretty name for a pretty baby.”

  “Thanks, mum.”

  No one asks to hold her and for that I’m grateful. I have a feeling I’m going to be one of those parents who worry about germs and whether or not you’ve washed your hands or have a cold. I’m a dad now; these things are important. I have to protect her at all costs.

  “Jenna is a little tired and has asked that you come back later at dinnertime. She wants to have a nap for a bit. I can tell you, however, that she almost certainly hates me, even though I know that she loves me really. She says I’m not allowed to touch her again and I have demon sperm.”

  “I can attest to that,” Katelyn says. “I hated Mason for the last trimester of my pregnancy. He was so happy we were having twins though, and he’d carry them around like footballs.”

  “I remember that,” Josie says. “When I was delivering Noah, I cursed Liam something fierce and prayed his dick would fall off.”

  “Hey?”

  “What,” she says, looking at him. “I was young and in pain. Your son was a beast with his broad shoulders.”

  “Are you saying you don’t want another one?” Liam asks Josie. The look on his face is priceless while he waits for her to answer. She drags out her response, making his pained expression even more comical.

  “No, I’m not saying that at all,” Josie says, shrugging her shoulders as if having a baby is no big deal. Or maybe she’s telling Liam he’s no big deal. Either way, his face is full of determination.

  “Good, let’s go home and try for a while until we can see Jenna.”

  Liam pretty much drags Josie away. He stops and pats me on the shoulder as he walks by. “Little Eden, you have such a big family with lots of cousins who’ll protect you from everything. Good luck ever finding a boyfriend.”

  I didn’t have a big family growing up, but knowing that she does fills my heart with pride and love.

  “She’s precious, Jimmy.”

  “Thanks, Katelyn.”

  “We’ll be back, JD. Go be with your wife and daughter. I wasn’t there when Quinn was born, but the second he entered my life, I never wanted to let him out of my sight.”

  I nod. “I know. I almost had a panic attack when the grandmas were holding her. I’m not even sure how I’m going to give her back to Jenna.”

  “You’ll find a way to share,” Katelyn says, kissing me on my cheek.

  The grandmothers kiss Eden and then me, promising to return with clothes and proper food in a few hours.

  When I walk back into Jenna’s room, she’s asleep. I move quietly and sit in the rocking chair with Eden in my arms.

  “Mummy’s sleeping Little One, so it’s just you and me.”

  She makes this little squeaking sound and moves her head. It’s going to be another sound that I need to record on my phone.

  I place her on my chest and start rocking. Her head rests in the crook of my neck, which is her mum’s favourite place. The warmth from her fills me and as much as I don’t want to, I can’t help the tears as they fall. There was a chance that I could’ve missed this if it hadn’t been for Liam being upset. If I weren’t trying to find a way to talk to Jenna, I wouldn’t have been in Beaumont that night. Everything that’s good in my life right now is because of Liam. He’s the glue keeping us together.

  Little One squeaks again and even though it’s quiet, I don’t want her to wake Jenna. I do what I’ve been doing since I found out I was going to be a dad. I sing to her.

  After we set sail, there’s gonna be storms

  Just don’t lose faith in me cause I’ll keep us on course

  Remember this day, it’s written in the stars

  We’re on our way to forever, girl it’s not that far

  I’ve never felt like this before

  I see our ship comin’ from the shore

  And that horizon in your eyes

  Is like Tobacco Sunburst

  “Someday, Little One, you’ll write songs or play the guitar. Maybe you’ll be a novelist or a painter. As long as you’re happy I’ll do whatever I can help you succeed.”

  THE sound of Jimmy’s voice wakes me. It’s a pleasant sound, one that I love to listen to. I open my eyes slightly, but what I see needs all my attention
. I move as quietly as I can so I can watch the scene in front of me.

  Jimmy holds our daughter snug against this chest, rocking her back and forth. His eyes are closed, but he’s singing to her. His head rests on hers in the sweetest of embraces. I wish I had my phone to take a picture because this is a moment I want to capture forever.

  “What are you doing?” his voice startles me. He grins, which turns my insides to goo. He was sexy before, but seeing him hold our daughter puts him on a whole other level. I wink at him causing him to shake his head.

  “I heard you singing.”

  “Did I wake you?” he asks so quietly. Our life has changed now and we didn’t even make an attempt to do so. With the arrival of Eden, we just know everything is different.

  “We’re having a girl.”

  “I know,” I say, holding his hand against my stomach. “You with a daughter… scary,” I add, shaking my head. Jimmy kisses my nose then my lips.

  “I’ll be scared shitless, but I’m going to love every minute of it. I want to be a part of this, Jenna. I know I screwed up staying in LA for so long. My dad… No, I don’t want him to ruin our day. We’re having a daughter, a daughter who needs a name by the way.”

  “I have a feeling naming her will be hard.”

  “Why?”

  I shrug. “Name association.”

  Jimmy laughs even though I don’t think it’s funny. I don’t want to pick my daughter’s name and have it be the same as some bimbo he hooked up with. And I hope he doesn’t tell me that he doesn’t know most of their names. That wouldn’t make me feel any better because honestly some things are better left unknown.

  “Eden,” he blurts out.

  “Excuse me?”

  Jimmy shrugs. “Eden, and let me tell you why,” he says, pulling me over to the couch. We sit down and he turns to face me, holding my hand in his. “When I first met you, I knew you were off limits. The way Liam spoke about you was a warning sign. But everything about you made me curious. It was a little hair flip or the way your forehead smushes together when you’re thinking. But the breaking point was the wedding and everything leading up to that moment. Watching you that night was complete torture. Having you, making you mine for those sacred moments, was my undoing. To me, you’re my forbidden fruit. I can’t get enough of you, Jenna, and I think Eden represents what we created together.”