Beg Me Angel

by Leah Holt

  “Sara, look at me.” Slowly lifting her head, her lids lowered as her chest jerked to take in air. “You are not responsible for this, you're a victim too, we both went through the same thing.”

  Shaking her head, her hair fell in her face, sticking to the wetness on her cheeks. “No, we didn't. I was found a couple days after, I wasn't hurt, I got away.” Her breathing picked up as she tried to stop herself from crying. It wasn't working, her eyes kept shedding an endless onslaught of tears. “But you suffered, you went through far more than I did.”

  “None of that matters, Sara, none of it.” Slicing my hand through the air, I slammed it against my chest. “I'm here now, I'm here and I'm okay—we're okay, that's all that matters.”

  I was angry that she would put any of this on herself. She wasn't responsible for the actions of another, she had no way of knowing what was going to happen. I didn't like how mad I felt that she was putting this burden on herself.

  Being angry wouldn't erase the way she felt, it wouldn't stop her from wallowing in a self-induced hatred for the actions she thought she brought on.

  Wrapping my fingers around her forearms, I wiggled her playfully. “Sara, look at me, I'm fine, I really am. Please don't blame yourself for this, because I don't. You didn't do anything wrong.”

  Not one ounce of blame fell on her shoulders, not once did I think she was at fault for any of it. Sara and I had gone through the same thing, we had experienced the same hurt and pain. We just felt it in different ways.

  I was afraid for her, not knowing what had happened to her was sickening. It drove me insane, forcing my mind to inflict the worst images possible. I hated it.

  But once my memories came back, the detective let me read her statement. Sara had escaped, she had been able to hide and get away. For two days she trudged through the woods, in the darkness, alone and lost.

  She was finally picked up by a little old lady; dirty, confused, struggling to remember what happened to her. She was trapped in the same nightmare I was, her thoughts trickling in like a slow drip. She remembered the driver and what he looked liked, but even that was still a question for her.

  After they found me, she went to the station for a lineup and I still didn't even blame her for picking Pax. Her mind was fucked from what happened, weeks had passed before she even had an opportunity to put a face to her blurred memories. Pax and Glenn, for as different as they were, had similar features.

  I could never compare Pax to the asshole that did this shit to us, but she went with what she remembered, and he fit the profile. They both had shaved heads, they both had tattoos and facial hair. Honestly, I couldn't even say for certain that if we had switched places, I wouldn't have ended up doing the same thing.

  A small smile tugged on her lip as her eyes nervously darted around my face. “Thank you, Vera.”

  Pulling her in, I hugged her, I held her just like I would if she was my sister. Because that's what she was now, she wasn't just my best friend anymore, she was family.

  “I'm just so happy to see you.” Squeezing her tighter, I whispered. “But I never expected to see that piece of shit again.”

  Pushing back, Sara smiled and giggled. “Yeah, I know what I said about junking it, but the shit box has grown on me.” A soft flicker sparked in her eyes as she laughed softly. “So, about this guy who swooped in like Superman—”

  “What about him?” I asked, cutting her off and eyeing her through slit lids.

  “Well, I almost ruined his life too, I should probably apologize for it, don't you think?”

  Laughing, I shook my head. “I might be able to help you with that.” There were a few things I wanted to say to him too.

  What he did for me was something I could never forget, it wasn't possible.

  Saying thank you wasn't enough, it didn't fully explain the feelings that smoldered my body, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to think, to sleep.

  He was there everyday, every moment.

  I knew what I wanted.

  And I hated myself for doubting him.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Pax

  Rubbing my wrists, I could still feel the indents where the metal had burned its mark into my skin. I hadn't slept in a week, my brain was charred, stuck in a hate-filled zombie trance.

  The police were dead set on watching me hang, ready and willing to strap me up and yank the floor out from beneath my feet. I hated thinking I got lucky, but I did. That poor woman had to endure the pain for me to be set free. But without her, I'd be done.

  Dropping into the chair by the fire, I held a glass in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other.

  Drinking wasn't something I normally did, not anymore. It was another one of those habits I wanted to leave in the past, right beside that urge to pull the trigger. Liquor and me, we don't mesh well.

  Rubbing the gold label with my thumb, I poured another shot, not giving it any time to even settle in the glass. Throwing my head back, I swallowed hard, tasting almost nothing but the acidic burn as it went down.

  What the hell am I doing?

  Spinning the glass in my fingers, a small splash of bourbon painted the clear bottom in braised auburn. The fire crackled beside me, heating the side of my face as the flames roared, engulfing the logs and turning them to ash.

  I felt different. I felt alone. I felt empty again.

  But this emptiness went far deeper than before, it had opened a giant abyss inside me, threatening to destroy whatever I had left.

  My angel was gone, she was the one thing missing from this place. I didn't like it. But all I could do was hope she got my letter and could understand why I did what I did.

  I owed her an explanation, all I can do is let her take from it what she can. Hopefully it could give her some closure to the question she might have had; Why?

  I saw her face on the flier at the store, I chose to ignore it and keep her for myself. It wasn't easy to do and in the same breath it was the easiest thing I had ever done.

  The regret for keeping her when I should have let her go crawled into my chest, sitting there like a thick lump. I didn't have any other explanation for what I did other than selfishness.

  She had become mine. I cared for her, I kept her alive, and she had done the same for me.

  My angel had actually saved so many others and those people had no fucking clue. There was no purpose to any of it other than to quench my own sick need. There were no more orders, no more men hunting me down like livestock.

  If it hadn't been for her, I would have killed again, I would have destroyed so many lives. And I was ready, ready and willing to finally just give up on the battle altogether.

  But you didn't give up. You kept one promise.

  My fingers tensed around the glass, squeezing down hard, trying to break it in my hand. In one quick snap, I threw the glass into the fire. Red sparks exploded from inside, pock marking the floor like glowing confetti.

  I sat staring into the coals, watching them fizzle out as there was no more fuel to feed them and keep the fire burning. Clutching the neck of the bottle, I let my arm hang off the side of the chair, my eyes stuck in place.

  What the hell do I do now?

  Before Vera came into my life, I had routines, I had things that needed to be done in order to survive. Now that she was gone, those routines meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to jump back in or fill my time.

  I tried to chop wood earlier, but all I could think about was her. I could see her sitting on that wood block, I could feel her body against mine and the warmth of being inside her. The bed was colder now, the cabin lifeless, slowly crumbling with me inside.

  It took years to make this place into what it was, to turn wood into a home and logs into a sanctuary. But it took her two weeks to stamp her presence here, to claim a small portion of this cabin as hers.

  And it took one second to tear it all apart.

  Leaning forward, I gripped the sides of my head and groaned. “How the
fuck do I move on? How do I move past this?”

  A light tap forced my head up. Listening closely, I heard another couple knocks on the front door. Standing slowly, I placed the liquor on the coffee table and stalked to the door.

  I half expected it to be a reporter trying to get a story, or the police again, coming to charge me with something just because they thought I deserved to be locked away.

  They wouldn't be completely wrong, I still kept her here, I still didn't make that phone call to claim the reward for information on her disappearance.

  Resting one hand on the wall, I gripped the knob with the other and pulled the door open slowly. “What? What do you want?” I asked, keeping my eyes on the ground.

  “What do you think I want?”

  Her voice swept through my mind, flicking on all the lights and shocking my system. Snapping my head up, my lids opened wide, mouth pulling taut. “What are you doing here?”

  Her hand came up and swept over my chin, stroking my beard. “Why do you think I'm here, Pax?” Smiling, Vera stepped in closer, wrapping her arms around my waist and snuggling into my chest.

  Pushing her shoulders back, I eyed her through slit lids. “You shouldn't be here.” Stepping backwards, I scratched my head. “Not after what I did to you.”

  “What you did to me?” Cocking her head, her hair fell around her face, gently sweeping over her cheeks. “You didn't do anything to me except save me.”

  She looked more amazing right then than any of the other times. I wanted to grab her face and kiss her, I wanted to scream at her for coming back, I wanted to lift her off her feet and toss her on the couch, taking her again and again.

  I did none of those things. Instead I let out a husky laugh and shook my head.

  “Save you? I held you here, I kept you from your family so I could have you all to myself. I'm not a man, I'm a coward. Nothing I did was for you, it was all for me.”

  “You're wrong.” Her face held sympathy, sorrow, sadness for a man that wasn't worth feeling pity for. “What you did—”

  Cutting her off, I growled. “What I did was unforgivable. You need to leave, Vera, go back home to your family.” Holding out my arm, I pointed out the door. “Go home, that's were you belong, not here.”

  I wasn't sure why I wanted to send her away when all I wanted was for her to be here. It was all I thought about, but that's all it was, just a thought. Dreams and reality sometimes mingle, they sometimes cross into a bittersweet second in time.

  That didn't mean it was true, that it was fate.

  Sticking her hand into her pocket, she plucked out a small crumpled piece of paper. “Did you mean everything you wrote?”

  “You actually read it?”

  Shaking the paper in my face, tears began to roll down over her cheeks as she asked again, “Did you mean everything you wrote?”

  “Every word, Angel.” Lifting my hand to her chin, I ran my thumb over her bottom lip. “Every word.”

  Scrunching the note into her palm, she wiped her cheeks and sniffled. I could see her chest lifting in quick jerks as her heart broke inside. I was causing her more pain, more agony, more memories worth forgetting.

  “This is what I didn't want, I didn't want to hurt you. I just thought you deserved some sort of explanation for what I did. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't using my head, but I meant every thing I wrote in there.”

  Vera stood in front of me, her eyes streaming a waterfall of tears as her nose wrinkled and wiggled. “Thank you.”

  Snapping my hand up, I barked, “Don't, don't thank me. I made you promises I couldn't keep, I kept you from the people you loved, I'm not a good man, Angel, I don't deserve it.”

  Driving her arms around my waist, she hugged me tight, laying her head against my chest. “I forgive you.”

  I stood like a statue, my arms hanging by my sides, my lungs freezing and refusing to take a breath.

  How could she forgive me? How could she possibly ever let go of what I did?

  My arms itched to be around her, knowing that one single touch was all I would need to never let her walk out that door again. But she wrapped herself tighter, she pushed her body closer.

  I lost all sense of myself, I lost all my thoughts and strength to push her away. I couldn't do it any longer.

  Embracing her, I squeezed her tight, kissing the top of her head. “How, how can you say that, Angel?”

  Tipping her head up, her giant grin warmed my body. This was what I wanted, this was what I needed. I needed her here, I needed her with me.

  Without her, without my angel, I was just a man in the woods. With her, with her I was alive.

  “Because it's true.” Teasing her fingers up and down my back, she kept her eyes on mine. “I forgive you because you saved me, I forgive you because if I didn't then all the feelings I have for you would kill me. I'd have to try and forget you and I can't do that.”

  Her words were filled with truth, she didn't seem to question herself. But did she find what she was looking for? Was she going on gut instinct or had she gotten her memories back?

  I didn't want her to ever question herself, to ever second guess if what she thought she felt was wrong.

  Running my hand through her hair, I caressed her neck. “Did you get the answers you were looking for?”

  “I already had my answer, Pax. It was staring me in the face the entire time. I wanted my memories back, but I didn't need them to know what I truly wanted. . .” Pausing, she pressed her hand against my cheek. Her touch sizzled over my skin, forcing prickles to explode on the back of my neck. “That was you, that was this place, this world was meant for me, you were meant for me.” Her eyes shifted between mine, her heart steadying in her chest and waiting for me to answer.

  She had no idea how much I wanted to hear that, how much I needed to know what she really felt deep inside. I knew it wasn't something she could see at first, that her wounds had been too severe, that she was cut too deep to step over the rubble and onto the other side.

  Scooping her up in my arms, I kissed her. I kissed her with all the feelings I had in my chest, in my mind, in my body. Her lips parted to accept me, letting me lick and taste her.

  Twisting her on her toes, I stalked forward, forcing her to move with me. Her legs stumbled backwards, arms holding steady around my neck to stay upright. Her knees buckled as I pushed my growing cock into her belly, forcing her to feel what she did to me.

  The back of her thighs hit the couch, making her wobble and fall backwards. Towering over her, I groaned. “If you let me keep going, I'm never going to stop, I'm never going to let you leave again.” Dropping to my knees, I wrapped my hands around her thighs and squeezed. “Stop me now, stop me if this isn't what you want, Angel.”

  A faint gasp hitched in her throat as her fingers swept over my head and down the back of my neck. Her lips opened as if she was going to speak, only she didn't say a word. Vera stroked her hand down my chest, cupping the tip of my cock and drawing circles over the crown hiding inside my jeans.

  “This is your last warning, tell me to stop and I will. Say nothing and I'm never letting you go.”

  Biting her lip, her back arched high, eyes fluttering under hooded lids. “Are you going to make me beg again?” Curling her hand around my hard shaft, she stroked it through the fabric.

  Grunting, I moaned, my voice raspy and stale. “Fuck.” Grinding my hips into her palm, I eagerly tore at the button to let my cock free.

  Vera's chest jerked as she inhaled a sharp breath, eyes filled with lust and desire, need and demand. Her warm fingers wrapped my throbbing dick, stroking it firmly up and down.

  Her nipples beaded beneath her shirt as she rocked and bowed her back, her body silently craving me, soundlessly surrendering to me.

  Rolling her pants down over her thighs, I gripped her hips and lifted her ass up. Pressing her entrance, I steadied myself, lowering my head to her ear. “You're my everything, Angel, all I need to breathe, to live, to survive. Without yo
u, I'm nothing.”

  Brushing her lips against my neck, I felt her words buzz over my skin. “With you, with you, I'm everything.”

  Driving inside her, I felt her body tense as her pussy clamped around my cock. Impulses were in charge, fear of losing her was slowly dissolving away and turning into dust. I wasn't just fucking her, I wasn't just relieving a selfish need, I was making love to her. I was giving her all of me in every way.

  Vera had me, she had me the first time I held her in my arms. She was an angel, my angel.

  Thrust after thrust, I made love to her by the fire. Our bodies collided, driven by pure emotion and impulse to just be. To be one, to be forever.

  Wrapping her up in my arms, I kissed her neck, gently running my lips over her cheek and placing them at her ear. “This is the silver lining, Angel. Everything you went through, it brought us together. I'm sorry you had to hurt to get here, but pain and love go hand in hand. You were in pain, I took your pain away, and in the end, you did the same for me.” Brushing her chin with my thumb, I tipped her head up. “I love you and you'll never feel pain again.”

  Her breath hitched as I spoke, a slight shimmer twinkled in her eyes. “I love the silver lining.” Kissing my lips, she whispered. “And I love you too.”

  Epilogue

  Pax

  One year later

  Dropping a stack of wood by the fire, I wiped my arms clean. “Look who's up.” Smiling, I walked to the kitchen and hugged Vera from behind.

  “It's not because I decided to get up, it's this little guy's fault.” Pulling my hands over her growing belly, she stopped them right in the center. “Wait for it. . . Wait for—there it is.”

  A heavy kick thumped against my palm, causing it to pop up. “Oh wow, he's really going to town in there today.”

  Laying her head back on my chest, she laughed. “You're telling me.” Her hand came up and wrapped around my neck as her fingertips gently raked my scalp. “Are you hungry? I'm starving.”