The Collector of Remarkable Stories

by E. B. Huffer

  And then his demeanour changed in an instant. Like a box slamming shut, he was no longer laughing.

  As quick as a blink, he snatched up a small creature that happened to be scuttling past and threw it with such force that it simply vanished, leaving nothing but a small patch on the wall.

  "That's better," he wheezed.

  He was irritated that The Giant had not made it further; annoyed because he wanted to sit and smell the air. He wanted to anticipate his impending feast. But now that The Giant was unconscious, he had to put some effort in. If he wanted to eat, he had to work for it. What's more he had to be quick. He needed to get The Giant moving before it was too late. He didn't want to lose The Giant to the Shadow Herders like he had some of his previous dinner guests. Close to death's death, they'd been snatched at the last moment and reassigned - some of the lucky ones to the higher planes, but most to the lower planes.

  "Damn things!" he hissed. "Could have let me dined first!"

  Eager not to make the same mistake again, and with not a minute to spare, Phagge started rocking his large glutinous body backwards and forwards. Slowly at first then gradually getting faster until, barely able to contain the drool which dripped from his lips in great viscous threads. He opened his mouth and emitted a deafening belch.

  A blast of foul noxious gas blasted out of his mouth. It was like the tens of thousands of tonnes of decaying flesh that Phagge had consumed over the years had created some kind of repulsive olfactory ghost that he was now releasing in one fell swoop.

  As The Giant lay unconscious, an odour from deep within the bowels of the caves wound its way down the labyrinthine tunnels like a great malodorous snake. Had The Giant been conscious he would have seen tens of thousands of panic stricken insects hurriedly evacuating the cave; scurrying for the safety of open space and fresh air.

  Very quickly the sulphurous stench reached the stricken Giant and wrapped itself around his face like a giant claw. Instantly his eyes snapped open. His head snapped up. He was awake.

  The odour was like nothing The Giant had ever smelt before. The physical pain of his wounds was instantly forgotten as the rancid stench tore at the flesh inside his nose and throat, and for several moments after awakening, The Giant fought its invisible grasp.

  It didn’t take long for the fumes to disperse (as though they too were desperate to escape the enclosed space in search of fresh air) but they had done their job; The Giant was wide awake. He looked around him, unsure of how he had come to be all alone in the cave. Instinctively he called out for Margie. But there was no reply; only the hollow sound of his own voice bouncing backwards and forwards between the cave walls. He called again. And this time, there was another sound. Coming from deep within the cave. A voice perhaps? He wasn’t sure. There it was again; it sounded like singing. In the distance.

  He struggled for a moment to rise to his feet, his poor decaying legs barely able to carry his weight. Unable to see anything in the darkness and not knowing in which direction he was heading, he cautiously fumbled forwards, stopping every now and again to listen. And although the song didn't get any louder, it didn't get any quieter either. And so he continued. He didn’t know who he was chasing or even why but with every step his body began to ache again, the anaesthetic of the stench wearing off.

  Eventually, The Giant reached the end of the wall. With no clue as to which way he should go (and never having been particularly good at decision making) he fell to his knees, defeated. "Oh Margie," he whispered aloud. "I told you. I did tell you. I ain't never been good at nothing. I should've known this weren't a good idea, me being your friend an' all ..." He closed his eyes but before he succumbed to the pain again, he heard a voice. It was like that of an angel, calling to him. Gently. Softly. It was a warm hand this time, that pulled him forward. You're closer than you realise it sang. A little further - just a few more steps - and you will be healed.

  The Giant, buoyed by this promise, rose shakily to his feet and lurched unsteadily into the blackness. The pain will be gone, urged the voice. You're nearly there.

  The Giant took two more steps then suddenly felt a most intense pain in his eyes, as though they were being stabbed by shards of glass. It took him a couple of moments to realise that the pain was, in fact, being caused by a bright light. As his eyes adjusted, he could see that he was in the centre of a large chamber. Where the ground had, only seconds before, been solid, it was now ankle deep in some kind of debris. As he focussed more clearly he began to realise, with rising horror, that scattered all around him were the remnants of creatures. A multitude of bones, skulls and teeth ...

  Had he the strength, he would have turned tail and ran as fast as his legs would carry him. Where was this place of horrors? What had created such a nightmare scenario?

  A voice interrupted his thoughts.

  "Don’t be quick to jump to conclusions." The voice was deep and raspy yet surprisingly gentle, something which belied its alarming surroundings.

  The voice belonged to Phagge; a mole-like creature which emerged from the shadows at the far end of the chamber. "You can’t believe everything you see. Look again."

  The Giant looked at the floor again and to his astonishment, it was filled with leaves, twigs and moss. Whether it was relief or exhaustion, The Giant’s ravaged body fell to the floor. The ground was soft and the chamber around him spun. The Giant forced his eyes wide open. Part of him wanted to stay and let the creature just devour him. But another part of him wanted to run away. If only his body would let him.

  Phagge fell forward onto his belly, a giant squirming maggot, and inched closer to The Giant. A piece of saliva drooled from his mouth as he eagerly sniffed The Giant’s wounds. "You’re lucky you made it here today. My, my ... "

  The last thing The Giant saw before he passed out was Phagge’s ugly jaws looming down on him.

  A fraction of a second later The Giant awoke. Panic. How long had his eyes been closed for? How could he have let it happen? Archie had given him strict instructions not to take his eyes off the creature for one second. Phagge was sitting inches from him, the stench of his breath overwhelming. Suddenly Phagge’s mouth opened wide, a great yawning chasm, and from within the slimy hole emerged a smaller, more repugnant looking face. The smaller face looked like that of a grotesque old man with pointed features and the sharpest, spikiest teeth The Giant had ever seen. The smaller creature snapped viciously at The Giant, like a rabid dog, until Phagge closed his mouth again. "Don’t mind him," said Phagge. "He’s still hungry! My, my. Always hungry. Never satisfied."

  At the same moment, Phagge belched. The Giant pushed himself up and scuttled backwards until he hit the wall of the chamber. It was only then that he realised he felt no pain. He studied his arms and then his legs. The wounds had almost entirely healed.

  "That's amazing."

  "Nothing amazing about it," rasped Phagge. "This is what you came for isn’t it?" He pulled a face. "Let me tell you; you don’t have the nicest tasting flesh. Bitter. My, my, my."

  Phagge started nibbling on his own arm, as though trying to grab a flea or tick. "You must never leave it that long again. You hear?"

  "Who are you?" asked The Giant warily.

  "Come now. What does it matter who I am? I don’t even remember myself."

  "You do know who you are."

  "I know who I used to be. My, my, my ... all these questions. Your flesh is healed. My belly is full."

  "Are you going to hurt me?"

  "You believe far too much of what you’re told. Let me tell you. You mustn’t believe anything that you’re told or even what you see. Blink. Quickly ... now. Do as I say!"

  The Giant blinked and when he opened his eyes he let out a small cry. Sitting there in front of him wasn’t Phagge the Greedy, but his beloved twins, Lilly and Milly. No longer conjoined, they sat side by side, holding hands and smiling serenely. And although The Giant couldn’t see their mouths moving, he could hear their sweet voices whispering to him, "where are y
ou? We’re waiting for you."

  "Tell me where you are," cried The Giant suddenly filled with joy. "And I’ll come for you. I promise I will."

  The Giant spun around quickly looking for a doorway. He needed to get out. He needed to find his twins. But there wasn't one. Not anywhere. Only a wall. And when he turned back to his beloved twins, they were gone. And once again sitting before him was the repulsive maggot.

  "You see," he rasped. "Nothing is as it seems."

  "How did you do that?" asked The Giant desperately.

  "How did I do what? I did nothing. It was you that did the seeing."

  The Giant slumped back down.

  "Don’t worry," said Phagge. "You will find them. But things must change. You’ve been blind. You are surrounded by fakeness and falseness and that will stand in your way. My, my, my ... you have been a fool."

  "Who, who?" cried The Giant. "Who’s been standing in my way?"

  "The very people you’ve trusted."

  The Giant frowned. "Not Margie."

  A long silence followed then at last Phagge answered:

  "You believe what you want to believe. I can’t tell you what to believe. But let me tell you something. My, my, my ... that girl has darkness in her soul. Why do you think so many bad things have happened? The only reason she is bringing you along is because she thinks you’re stupid."

  The Giant shook his head. "You’re wrong. She loves me. She ain't never done nothing to hurt me."

  Phagge laughed. "You poor fool. Where do you think Margie is right now? Do you think she’s waiting for you at the entrance to this cave with tears in her eyes? My goodness no ... she’s not even thinking about you. And why should she when she’s got him?"

  "You mean Archie?"

  "Who else?" Phagge shuffled forward. "I’m only telling you this because I like you. Even if you do taste disagreeable."

  "But I have to get Margie to The Darkest of All Places. That’s my job. That’s what I have to do."

  "And I suppose they told you that you would find your twins there as a reward? Fool," he hissed. "You won’t find your twins in The Darkest of All Places. The Darkest of All Places is where the worst kind of people are to be found. Why would you find your gentle, kind and beautiful twins in such a wretched place?"

  The Giant’s eyes grew round. "You’re right. You’re right. They wouldn’t be there. They wouldn’t hurt a fly." He leaned in towards Phagge. "Please, tell me what to do? Tell me."

  "I can’t tell you what to do. I can only warn you of the obstacles you face."

  "Tell me," cried The Giant, angry and excited all at the same time.

  "You have to watch Archie ... my, my, my he’s a rotten egg, that’s for sure. His job is to prevent you from leaving Mons Morsus. He doesn’t want Margie to reach the Darkest of All Places. And he wants to destroy you. Mark my words. He wanted me to devour you." Phagge laughed at this then licked his lips. He couldn’t help salivating at the thought. "He will try and prevent Margie from reaching The Darkest of All Places. But she must. And she must go alone."

  The Giant thought about how far they had come and thought about his old friend Spider Beast. He trusted him. Spider Beast had saved him.

  "It just don't make no sense to me."

  Phagge shrugged. "Believe what you want to believe. Maybe it has all been lies. Maybe not. What does it matter to me?"

  Confused and disheartened, The Giant put his head in his hands and pondered his predicament. It was Phagge who had saved his life this time. Why would he lie? Why would he take away the rot that had covered his flesh, only to fill his soul with it? It didn't make sense to him.

  The Giant looked back towards Phagge and realised that the chamber was once again filled with bones and bloodied half-eaten limbs. The Giant leapt to his feet. "I'm sorry," he panicked. "I believe you, I do."

  "My, my, my. You’re lucky you tasted so bad," hissed Phagge retreating into the darkness. "Now go, before I change my mind."

  Spider Beast in Danger

  It was dark and Spider Beast could not see where he was; yet he knew instantly that something was wrong. He could not remember where he had last been or with whom, but he knew that he wasn’t in the Emporium and he knew he was in trouble. The Emporium had a distinctive smell, which wasn’t actually that pleasant, but was familiar and therefore comforting. And the constant, imperceptible sound of whispering souls was also absent. Instead he could hear a faint clanking sound, like metal doors, and the distant sound of sobbing.

  Panic began to rise; this had not been the plan. He needed to get back to the Emporium, he had work to do. He could remember The Big Invisible tearing through the Emporium and his spirit sank when he remembered the souls he'd lost that day.

  As Spider Beast sat contemplating his situation he became more and more aware of a low whirring sound. He strained hard to see in the direction of the noise but in spite of his many eyes, he could see nothing. He could feel the ground beneath him was cold. Metal perhaps? And this is how he remained for several hours until he was engulfed in a searing bright light.

  "Sorry," said a familiar voice, "I didn’t mean to blind you."

  Spider Beast didn’t even need to open his eyes in order to know that he was in the presence of The Great Torquere. Ah the whirring noise made sense now. The Great Torquere was nothing without his army of Spy Flies feeding him information on everyone and everything. They'd obviously been keeping guard in the darkness.

  "I hope you like your new home. I found it in the Emporium. Some fabulous things in there," he said, narrowing his eyes, "and some real rubbish too."

  As his eyes adjusted to the dark, Spider Beast could see that he was in a small empty metal cage, hanging from the ceiling by a large chain. He had no recollection of how he came to be in the cage.

  Torquere moved closer to Spider Beast until his eye was almost touching the cage. "You’re smaller than I imagined. Insignificant really."

  "What have you done to the Emporium?" asked Spider Beast angrily.

  "Oh, don't you worry your little head about that," replied Torquere. "I haven't touched anything. Not yet."

  "You have no idea what you’re playing with."

  "Oh, you think so?" replied Torquere, a look of mock surprise on his face. "I think you’ll find I know exactly what I’m playing with. I've been watching you since your friend, Auguste disappeared. It’s you, little spider thing, that doesn’t know what you are playing with."

  Torquere took his long, gloved finger and pushed the cage slowly upwards until it was horizontal, then let it drop down. Spider Beast was flung around the cage as it rocked back and forth.

  "Tell me spider, what do you do with all the junk in that Emporium of yours?"

  "You know exactly what we do."

  "Okay, let me rephrase that. What would you do with all the junk if they didn’t contain your precious souls?"

  Spider Beast didn’t know what – if anything – had happened to the Emporium and its precious contents but a dark cloud descended upon him. This was not how it was supposed to be.

  "What have you done?" he asked angrily.

  Torquere laughed. "It’s not what I have done, spider, it’s what I will do if you don’t help me."

  Torquere stepped away from the cage and cocked his head to one side. He observing Spider Beast intently. "I feel I can trust you."

  "Tell me what you want me to do."

  "I want you to bring me the girl. Margie."

  "Never."

  "Then everything in your Emporium – everything – will be destroyed. I will personally see to it."

  "You’re lying."

  "Don’t force me to prove myself you pitiful little insect," spat Torquere. "And time is running out." Torquere reached in his pocket and pulled out a small fob watch. Inside the watch was a tiny person, squashed up in an uncomfortable looking foetal position. "Time wasters; can’t stand them, can you? Deserve every bit of their fate all squashed up in a clock like this."

  As he flicke
d the watch open, the tiny squashed person spoke in a muffled tone: "Sixteen Twenty Two."

  "It’s all rather pointless really since we don’t have time in Limbuss, but I guess that’s the lesson they have to learn. Anyway," he said, as he flicked the fob watch shut and threw it in his pocket again, "I will have lots of fun with those souls before we destroy the Emporium. I'm pretty sure that we'll find some excellent extraction opportunities: the brave and the beautiful. Very, very convenient of you to have them all in the same place. And so many to choose from!"

  Spider Beast swallowed his anger. "What do you want with Margie?" he asked.

  "You know why I want the girl! Don’t play the idiot with me," screamed Torquere suddenly furious. "She has something that I want. "

  Spider Beast remained silent for the longest time. He, of all people, knew how important it was that Margie reach the Darkest of All Places. He was one of the few people who really knew who – or what – Margie was. And why she couldn’t fail in her task.

  "Don’t underestimate me," hissed Torquere before turning his back on Spider Beast and walking away. "I will destroy the Emporium – and everything it contains."

  Spider Beast struggled to remain calm. Would Torquere really destroy the Emporium and its contents? Or was he just bluffing?

  Torquere sensed Spider Beast’s questioning. Without warning he spun round and screamed at the top of his voice. Spider Beast curled up in a ball, struggling to think. It was more like a captain’s whistle than a scream. Suddenly a large rusting door swung open and Bufo, Torquere’s faithful servant, stepped in carrying an old pair of shoes.

  Spider Beast recognised them immediately. They belonged to a young Jewish woman who had come through the Emporium several months previously. He wasn't easy to forget with her big brown eyes and gentle smile. Wearing a heavy black winter coat which looked worn and dirty, she clutched a pair of red suede peep toe shoes with a side bow; totally incongruous to the sadness which weighed heavily in her eyes.