Never Say Love (Never Say Never #1)

by Carly Phillips

  “Thanks.” Gulping at her drink when it arrived, she welcomed the buzz of the alcohol. After what had just happened between her Nate, she was more than empty—she felt as though she’d been hollowed out and put back together again.

  Sitting there alone, without him, felt… wrong. The sex had been mind-blowing, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted him here, beside her, his arm around her, showing the world that she belonged to him. And that was exactly why sleeping with him had been a stupid idea to begin with. She took another massive gulp of vodka cranberry, the alcohol at the bottom of the drink stinging her throat as she swallowed.

  She wasn’t stupid—what had just happened between them was… big. There was a connection there that extended beyond sex. It had been there since they’d first met so many years ago.

  But she also knew that in all probability, it wasn’t enough to keep him around. They had great sex, absolutely. And they liked each other—they were friends.

  But was Nathan Archer, the filthy rich bachelor, the darling of the tabloids, the arm candy of half the supermodels alive, going to give up everything to be with an optometrist from Seattle?

  Not in her wildest dreams.

  “Need a fresh drink?” A fuchsia colored beverage decorated with a lime wedge appeared in front of her nose. She followed the sight up until she found Harry grinning down at her, clearly pleased to be there.

  Her heart sank, even as she forced a welcoming smile to her lips. “Harry. Hey. Thanks.” She’d had quite enough, but it was a sweet gesture.

  A sweet gesture that was going to get him absolutely nowhere. He was a nice guy. He was handsome. From the surprising thumbs up that a drunken Holly was shooting her from down the table, clearly her family approved.

  But that connection just wasn’t there. She was too tightly anchored to somebody else.

  “So listen, I know this weekend is crazy with wedding activities.” Harry grinned, not seeming to notice that she was just playing with her beverage instead of drinking it. “But Holly said you live in Seattle. I’m just outside, in Tacoma.”

  Oh, no. Here it came. Being nice was bred in Ellie’s bones, so she smiled at him as he spoke, but everything inside of her shouted to flee.

  “Once we’re both back home, I’d love to take you for dinner.” Harry offered a winning smile, revealing a row of even white teeth. He probably even flossed daily. Damn it. Why couldn’t she drum up even a speck of interest in him?

  “Do you mind if Holly gives me your number?” Harry reminded her of a puppy, begging for a scrap with hopeful eyes. “Or, um, you could give it to me yourself?”

  Ellie opened her mouth to reply. In the past, she would have been sucked into a date she didn’t want to go on just because she hated to say no and hurt someone’s feelings. But this time something else entirely spilled from her lips.

  “Look Harry, you seem like a great guy. And at any other time in my life, I probably would have jumped at this offer.” The way his face immediately fell made her feel like she was crushing a bug beneath the heel of her pump, but she continued on anyway. “I’m just… well, I’m already involved with someone. It’s not serious but, ah, my attention is kind of elsewhere. And that’s not fair to you.” And that was the truth. She couldn’t agree to a date with Harry at all while her feelings were otherwise engaged. Even if she knew that it was foolish to entertain any hope in the direction of Nathan Archer.

  “I see.” Harry looked down at his hands, then surprised her by swigging from her drink. She couldn’t help but laugh when he downed the contents of the glass in one swallow, then grinned up at her cheekily.

  “Thank you for being honest with me.” He winced a bit at the alcohol burn. “And I like you enough to say that if your timing changes, I hope you’ll give me a call.”

  She nodded, though she couldn’t imagine doing any such thing. Her thoughts and feelings were too full of Nate.

  “I have to ask, though… is it that guy from yesterday? Nathan Archer?” Harry frowned a bit, scanning the room as if looking for the man in question. Ellie’s gaze followed, but she didn’t see those familiar, piercing eyes anywhere. “And I’m not saying this to further my case, but because you seem like a nice girl. I don’t know if you read magazines or follow headlines at all, but he’s always out with a different model or actress on his arm. He seems like he’s a bit of a player.”

  Ellie couldn’t hold back her wince, feeling as though Harry had punched her in the belly. This obviously wasn’t news to her, but still, it hurt to hear the words coming out of someone else’s mouth—as though someone else confirming what she already knew made it more real.

  And admitting her feelings would make it more real still. Swallowing thickly, she forced a smile onto her face and shook her head slightly at Harry’s inquisitive expression.

  “No, no, not him.” Her mouth was completely dry, and she suddenly wished for the drink that Harry had just consumed.

  “He seemed awfully protective of you at the rehearsal dinner,” Harry pressed, and Ellie felt an answering twinge of annoyance.

  He might think he was just being nice, looking out for her, but her feelings for Nate were nobody else’s business. And she didn’t even want to admit them to herself, let alone to a virtual stranger.

  “He’s an old family friend.” Ellie forced this out, then quickly pushed away from the table and stood. “Anyway, it was very nice to see you again, Harry, but tomorrow’s the big day. And someone is going to have to wake up and drag the bride out of bed.”

  Ellie gestured to the stage, where Kate had made room for Meredith. A very tipsy bride—accompanied by her equally drunken groom—was wearing a cheap white tulle veil attached to a plastic tiara, and was singing an off-key rendition of Sonny and Cher.

  Harry and Ellie both winced as the duo cackled into the microphone while staring dreamily into each other’s eyes.

  A tug in her belly had her turning her head in the direction of the bar. Nate was standing by it, his arms crossed over her chest, ice dripping from the glare he was shooting the woman he was speaking to—his mother. The hatred that radiated from his tense frame made it hard to believe that this was the man who had only minutes before caused the soreness that made the space between her thighs ache.

  His gaze flicked to her, then returned to his mother. The lack of recognition she felt in that quick glance made her stomach roll with confusion.

  He’d accepted the comfort that she’d offered him before. Now, though? He could have been looking at a stranger.

  Ellie needed air.

  Mumbling a quick goodbye to Harry, she pushed through the bar and out the front door, avoiding looking at the small patch of concrete where less than an hour earlier, Nate had set her nerves on fire. The sky overhead was velvety dark, clouds obscuring the stars, and if she held still she could hear the waves of the lake lapping at the shore.

  This was where she was from, and no matter how much her family drove her crazy, this place was a part of her—in her blood.

  Nate, though? Nate had run hard from here, and fast, and never looked back. She’d certainly never blamed him for that, but it only served to highlight the differences between them.

  Blinking against the sudden flood of emotion, Ellie rolled her shoulders back to stretch them out, then started out in the direction of the motel. Cabs this late at night were unheard of in Ruby Lake, so she walked. And she hoped that by the time she returned to the room she shared with the man whose scent was still on her skin, she’d have her head on straight and her emotions in check.

  * * *

  Nate watched helplessly as Ellie walked out the front door of the bar. His entire being longed to go with her, to borrow from her strength, but first he had to deal with his mother.

  “I’m not sure how to phrase this so that you stop asking. But no, I am not interested in having breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, or anything else with you.”

  As he looked at the woman who’d given him life, hatred and despair filled h
im, a potent cocktail, and he knew that he’d do anything to keep Ellie from being tainted by this part of his life.

  “It’s been a long time, Nathan.” Hannah’s eyes, so much like his, shimmered with unshed tears.

  He couldn’t find it in himself to care. He’d been hurt too much, and not just physically by Hannah Archer.

  “It’s time we caught up and made this right between us.”

  Was she kidding? Things between them would never be right. They couldn’t possibly be.

  He shook his head, not replying, but she pressed on.

  “Look, son, I know you’ve made something of yourself. I want to hear about it. I want to know what’s happened to you since you left.” Hannah reached out and placed a gentle touch on his shoulder; he shrugged her away as understanding dawned.

  Made something of himself. What an idiot he was. She wanted money.

  He’d thought it wasn’t possible to feel more hatred for this woman who hadn’t protected him when he’d been young and vulnerable, but it seemed he’d been wrong. He could.

  “Every fiber of my being wants to tell you to fuck off. You don’t deserve a red cent of the money that I’ve broken my back to earn. But you know what, I’ll give it to you. What will it take to get you to leave me alone forever? A hundred thousand? Two? Hell, you know what? I’ll give you a quarter of a million in return for a promise that you’ll go to hell and leave me alone.”

  “Nathan.” Hannah reached out for him again, and again he shrugged away from her touch.

  “You don’t have the right to touch me.” Man, he’d thought he was over all of this—thought he’d long since buried this hatred and grief. The fact that it still clung to him like oil to skin made him want to vomit. “You gave up that right every time you let him do just that.”

  She flinched, her eyes dropping in shame.

  Turning, he swiped a hand over a suddenly sweaty brow. He wanted a drink. No, he wanted an entire bottle. More than that, he wanted Ellie here with him, holding him tightly, telling him that everything was going to be okay.

  How could he hope for anything with her when this was the example he’d had of happily-ever-after? He started to take a step when the damn woman had her hand on his shoulder again. This time she spoke before he could push away.

  “I left him, you know. Last year.” There was a hint of steel in Hannah’s voice, something he’d never heard before. “I wanted you to know, that’s all.”

  Nathan paused for a moment, letting that sink in. Rational thought told him that he should be happy that his mother was finally free of the man who’d ruled over them both with an iron fist.

  Instead, the taste of betrayal was bitter on his tongue.

  “You’ve left him.” There was no emotion in his voice. There couldn’t have been, because he didn’t feel anything. The simple words had emptied him out, leaving nothing but a shell behind. “Last year.”

  Hannah moved in front of him, nodding earnestly, her eyes shining with hope. “I thought that maybe this would mean that we could… maybe we could rebuild our relationship a bit. I’ve wanted to contact you so many times over the last year, I just haven’t known how—”

  “Don’t,” Nate almost yelled, all of his feelings rushing back inside of him in an overwhelming tsunami that almost brought him to his knees. “Just don’t.”

  “Don’t?” Hannah’s slender brows arched in confusion. “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t contact me.” Nate infused his voice with ice. There were so many things whirling around inside of him, freezing them and shoving them back down seemed like the only thing he could do. “Don’t contact me. Don’t do anything. Just don’t.”

  Hannah parted her lips as if to reply, but Nathan walked away before she could speak, his body as stiff as if he’d received one of the beatings that his stepfather had so loved to give out.

  She’d left Tom last year. Well, that was fucking great. Nate was a man now, and strong enough to stand on his own. But when he’d needed her? When he’d been young and he’d needed his mother to be his mother, to step in front of him and keep him safe from the fists, the words, the never-ending anger?

  She hadn’t been able to do it then. She hadn’t had the strength to be his mom.

  Stepping out into the still air of Ruby Lake, he filled his lungs and let the rage disperse in the night. His past had helped to shape who he was, and at this point in his life he wouldn’t change it.

  But if Hannah Archer thought she could come trotting back in to play the role of mommy, she’d have to keep on walking. Because the one thing she’d taught him that had helped to be the success he was today?

  He didn’t forgive. And he certainly didn’t forget.

  Chapter Eleven

  A whisper of Nate’s cologne hung in the air of their shared room. The scent only served to enhance the soreness between Ellie’s legs, the tender spots on her hips from where his fingers had dug into her flesh.

  She did her best to ignore those little reminders as she stepped out of her heels, then stripped off her tight jeans and T-shirt. Tossing them aside, she made her way to the shower, shutting the door firmly behind her and locking it, even though Nate had seen everything there was to see not even an hour before.

  She needed a minute alone to process everything that had happened in the last couple of days.

  Hissing as the scalding spray hit her skin, Ellie tipped her head back to wet her hair. Inhaling the rapidly thickening steam, she tried to let go of the jumble of emotions rioting around inside of her.

  Tomorrow was her brother’s wedding, after all. She should be preparing to celebrate with him, not feeling torn apart by the very notion of attending.

  She couldn’t get the look in Nate’s eyes out of her head. When he’d been standing talking to his mother, the blankness that she’d seen there had—well, it had terrified her. Logically, she figured that he was compartmentalizing. He’d been away from Ruby Beach for so long, and hadn’t expected to see Hannah, so it only made sense that he was trying to keep his feelings about that away from everything else in his life.

  But that only served as a reminder for her, an indication that when it came to whatever this was between them, there were things that he was probably not going to share with her. Ever.

  And when it came to Nate, Ellie was selfish enough to want it all.

  She washed and conditioned her hair, rinsing out the scents of beer and stale air that always seemed to accompany a trip to a bar. Stepping out of the shower, she wrapped herself in a towel that felt like cardboard, scrubbing it over her skin as if to wash away the feel of Nate’s hands.

  It didn’t help—she could feel the imprint of every one of his fingertips, claiming her. Her throat thickened as tears that she didn’t want started to rise.

  She was falling for him. Hell, she’d fallen for him years ago. But right now she had no one to blame but herself for the fact that, come Monday, her heart would be an open wound.

  “Shit.” Ellie reached for her robe, only to discover that she hadn’t brought it into the tiny bathroom with her. She eyed the puddle of clothing that she’d stripped off, but it was lying in a pool of water and besides, she was loathe to put dirty clothes against her clean skin.

  She wrapped the towel tightly around her breasts. The party had still been raging when she’d left—chances were good that Nate was still there.

  Of course, this meant that as she exited the bathroom on a cloud of steam, clinging to the towel, she found Nate sitting on the edge of the bed. Her fingers clenched on the stiff terrycloth as he lifted his head to look at her, a part of her expecting the same blankness that she’d seen as he spoke with his mother.

  Instead, the gray of his eyes showed a million different shades of feeling. Grief, rage, and heartache, all things she would have thought that the bad boy of Ruby Lake was impervious to—they were all there, calling out to her in the same way the damaged teenage boy had once done.

  Now, like then, something about the w
ay he looked at her told her that he needed her. And despite her reservations about protecting her heart, she couldn’t help but give him what he seemed too proud to ask of anyone else.

  “Nate.” Cautiously Ellie closed the space between them, perching herself on the edge of the bed next to him. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, not sure what to say.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.” Nate stood, then started stripping off his shirt. Ellie couldn’t stop the acceleration of her pulse as the solid planes of his chest, the ink, the glint of that ring in his nipple came into view.

  Slowly, she released her grip on the towel. She was confused, she was overwhelmed, but one thought overcame it all. Her heart was already his. And if he needed her to ease his pain, he could have her, body and soul.

  The damp towel fell to the floor, leaving her naked to his stare. His hands made quick work of his jeans, sliding them and his boxers down the muscled length of his legs, leaving his own nudity open to Ellie’s avid stare.

  She sucked in a deep breath, wondering what he was going to do, what he had in mind. Did he want her hard and fast again, did he need her to surrender? Or would he need something even more?

  Her pulse stuttered when, rather than reaching for her with the rough touch that she’d come to crave, he cupped her face in his palms and dipped his head to kiss her. The glide of his lips over hers was light, almost sweet, yet Ellie could still taste Nate’s possession on her tongue.

  She expected his hands to move to the usual places, to stroke and ignite the flames. She was wet already, something she seemed unable to help when it came to him. But rather than cupping her breasts, tugging her nipples, sliding his fingers inside of her, he pulled the covers of the bed back and eased her back on the pillows before lying down beside her.

  “I just need to be with you.” He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulled her back to his front, speaking into the tender skin at the nape of her neck. Ellie felt her heart trip, then take that final stumble as the warmth of his breath misted over her skin.