Larry's Kidney: Being the True Story of How I Found Myself in China with My Black Sheep Cousin and His Mail-Order Bride, Skirting the Law to Get Him a Transplant--and Save His Life

by Daniel Asa Rose

  Enough so that it’s worth a try, I guess….

  “Hi, Zhang,” I type. “Can you tell me a little more about yourself? Would you say you’re a giving person? Are you kind to those less fortunate than yourself? Have you ever had nursing experience? Hope to hear from you soon!”

  I can’t bear to stay on longer than a few minutes but leave the Web site open on my laptop, like leaving a fishing line dangling in the water.

  The other thing I think, number two, is that I should ask Jade about the trust issue. This is something I won’t tell Larry about—it would only launch us into a proxy war, Larry and I sparring through our women: Mary versus Jade in a mud-wrestling pit. So I say nothing, wait till I’m alone that evening, and make the call from the second floor, where the Badminton Boys are going at it with macho brilliance.

  “So what’s your opinion of Mary’s employment history?” I ask Jade. I’ve reached her on her cell at a girlfriend’s harmonica recital, and she’s speaking in a hushed voice, as I am.

  “I cannot say, really,” Jade says.

  “I know, but do you think she’s capable of holding down any sort of school job at all?”

  “Yes, a little unbelievable, I think. And to take so many days away to be with Larry? I have a bad feeling about that.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Good chance she is lying,” Jade says, becoming more direct. “Some Chinese ladies want to cheat money from foreign, it’s torrible. As women Chinese citizens, we lose our Chinese face. I want to say sorry for that.”

  “Ah, well, it’s not your fault—”

  “So I think I can spy for you,” she says quietly.

  “Spy for me? You mean like bang, bang, your fantasy career?”

  “I can try,” Jade says. “Be private eye, find out what I can about Mary. I will call her school and say I am poor student, looking to speak Mary to ask job.”

  “You cauliflower!” I cry. “You’d do that for us? And what do you think about the phone bill she’s run up?”

  “This you not tell me about yet.”

  “Four hundred dollars from our suite, just for the past two weeks.”

  I hear Jade suck back her teeth bubbles with a sharp intake of breath. “How big the bill is!” she exclaims. “She must be call at least two hour each day, maybe when Larry is snoring. Who she can call for? May be another man?”

  Whoa, really? A plastic birdie ricochets off the wall onto my head. Handing it back to Abu with a wink gives me time to assess this suggestion. “Another man?”

  “Such a bill is too big if you call your relative. Only to lover we say so many words. But this is only my guess, not a fact. We can ask hospital for detail of the bill, see which phone numbers?”

  “Got it right here,” I say, scanning the bill quickly. “There’s one main number that keeps popping up, to 04317137130. Do you want to call the number and see—”

  “—if she lying wholesale,” Jade completes my thought.

  “Bang, bang!” I say. I’m thrilled to have my own personal spy but am held back by one qualm.

  “Before we jump the gun, though, are we sure we want to intrude?” I ask. “I mean, maybe Mary will turn out to be okay even if she does have ulterior motives. People are complex! So what if she met him only to make a better life for herself? Isn’t that a legitimate thing to want to do, as long as she genuinely cares for my cousin, which she seems to do?”

  “No,” Jade declares. “The large heart of Larry, she will hurt it, definitely I think.”

  It couldn’t be any plainer. Maybe it’s time I stop giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and just accept that life is sometimes as clear-cut as a badminton game: The birdie lands either fair or foul.

  “Well, anyway, your pronouns are coming along nicely,” I tell her.

  “I am learning the difference between man and woman,” she says with a catch in her voice.

  “Uh-huh,” I say.

  And that’s all I say.

  Later that night, just as I’m crawling onto my couch to sleep, there are three loud knocks. I open the door to Larry’s room. But the Larry-Mary conglomerate is fast asleep. I’m back on the couch twenty seconds later when there are another three knocks. It’s my laptop, receiving nibbles from the Web site I forgot I left open: instant chat invitations. Barbi is thirty, from the suburbs, drinks occasionally, smokes not at all. But huwwo, what’s this? Is that a whip she’s holding? No, a microphone cord. Sure enough, one of her passions is karaoke—not as piquant as S&M, perhaps, but I’m not privy to Larry’s requirements. KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK: My, my, now here’s ShiJen, a nimble little typist. Her messages come racing in one after the other. Insistent, too. “U there? U want talk? U busy chatting? U find someone else?” Then KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK: Messages from more women come tumbling in un-summoned, one on top of the last, no waiting in line but cutting in front of one another to pound the door down. KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK: It’s “Hiedi,” snuggling with about thirteen teddy bears. I decide not to care that she misspells her own name. KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK: It’s Kate with an eye patch, no stated religion. Her bio is rather touching in its brevity: “Well……. jst simple lady hoping for love……jst ask me what u want to know….” KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK—

  Ah, the world’s needs. When do they not threaten to drown us all?

  CHAPTER 16

  Thousand-Year-Old Panda

  A fall into a ditch makes you wiser.

  CRAAAAACCCK! A peal of thunder. Thank heaven, a storm’s on its way—only a tempest could break this infernal heat wave. I’m sweating in my skyscraper gym with leaded windows closed, relishing the solitude as I ride my manual typewriter of a bike while Abu sluggishly practices his half gainers. Bring on the rain!

  But the afternoon remains oppressively bright. I resume the thought sequence I was in the middle of before the thunder hit: wondering if Burton’s guilty. Did he do anything to deserve Larry’s fatwa? And would he really try to stop this operation if he could, in the misguided belief that it would end his troubles with Larry? I’m not in a position to judge, but I do know that Burton’s always been honorable in his dealings with me. He’s been nothing but upstanding, loyal, and generous. Also, Burton has devoted his life to healing thousands of brain ailments and is beloved by his community at Harvard and an army of patients. But then again, I’ve always known Larry to be honorable, too, in his fashion. He made a point of always paying back my loans promptly and in full. Except that one time he didn’t. I wouldn’t say he stiffed me; I’d say he didn’t pay me back promptly and in full. It’s possible he figured he paid me back in other ways. For the condo he convinced me to buy as an investment, I had trouble evicting a certain tenant who didn’t pay rent for almost a year. Larry took it upon himself to call the tenant a name to her truck-driver son, for which Larry received and returned several body blows. Perhaps in his mind this was worth the grand he owed me? We never discussed it in so many words, but when I asked for my grand back, that’s when he ratted me out to the FBI. Maybe there was a similar misunderstanding with Burton? Or maybe Larry resents Burton because he helped so much with Judy’s epilepsy; Larry’s constitutionally incapable of not biting the hand that feeds him? Who’s to say? As in most family feuds, there are few truths we could take to the bank. A homegrown Inscrutable.

  Bzzzz, bzzzzz! It sounds like a bumblebee caught between window-panes, but it’s my cell phone vibrating angrily on mute. I let my wheels coast to a stop, lazily pick up the phone, and get an earful of screaming.

  “DAN, LARRY HORT!”

  I reel back from Mary’s voice as from a blast of ammonia.

  “LARRY BLOOD!” she screams again, telling me that Larry has escaped the hospital again, only to take another spill.

  CRRAAAAAACK!—another thunder blast. The atmosphere feels electrically charged, and when I crank open the leaded window, I see that the afternoon has blackened, at the mercy of a crackling downpour. Down below, the toy-train village of Shi looks defenseless, honking furiously to itself in a state of
paralysis, its cogs gummed up by the rain. My cousin’s lying in a street out there somewhere, and in a minute Abu and I have gained the front sidewalk, observing the bottleneck.

  “A cab will be quickest, see you later,” I yell to Abu, jumping into the backseat of a gaily decorated vehicle. But it’s a police car: Two frightened-looking officers gape at me from the front seat. “Sorry!” I say, jumping out again.

  “Take this,” Abu says, holding out the key to his Vespa. “It will be quicker for only one.”

  In a minute I’m racing through wet side streets, away from the bottleneck. It’s all clamoring chaos: Sirens wail, strobe lights flash from the tops of ambulances as their drivers shout for right-of-way. Larry couldn’t have gotten more than a fewblocks from the hospital, I figure; maybe he was heading for a familiar landmark. The duck restaurant! I’m like the worst or best of the Chinese drivers I’ve been marveling at all these weeks, weaving the wrong way down a one-way sidewalk. Half a block from the duck restaurant, around the corner from the hospital, I locate Larry lying in his hospital gown in the middle of the street, flailing like a beetle on its back. Everywhere I turn, Mary’s in my way, blithering idiotically. I place her aside and approach. Not knowing friend from foe, Larry stabs me with his KFC spork. I kneel in a puddle to subdue him, slosh the rain out of his eyes, peer directly into his face till he recognizes me.

  “Huwwo, Dan, thank you for coming,” he says, like he’s hosting a craps game in the back of a strip club and is pleased I’m able to make it. “You look buff. Been working out?”

  “Larry, what the hell’s going on?”

  “I’ve been up since four trying to figure out exactly that. I’m quite baffled. What a night,” he says. “My back is in spasm….”

  I use the momentary calm to coax him up. Mistake: It sends him into another frenzy, waving with his plastic weapon, clawing at my legs with his Businessman’s Running Shoes. A piece of paper’s in motion—the nun’s letter from back home. “Help! Someone!” he calls as traffic honks and weaves around us. “VIP in need!”

  “Settle down!” I shout, using my weight now to keep him in place. A couple of soldiers approach with faces so blank they’re scary. “No, no, we’ve got it,” I call to them, blocking their approach. They hesitate, unsure whether to take offense or back off. Soon they’re gone.

  “Larry,” I say sternly, “it’s dangerous to make a scene like this—”

  CRAAAAAACK! The storm’s right on top of us now. The duck restaurant chooses this moment to begin broadcasting Peking Opera from its sidewalk speakers.

  “I’m leaving,” he says through gritted teeth. “I can make my own way to the airport.”

  With an adrenaline boost, he manages to wiggle out of my grasp, stands bare-assed with tubes coming out of him, the back of his hospital gown soiled.

  “Larry, didn’t you put yourself in my hands when we got to this city?”

  “Sue me,” he says. “If it’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s—”

  He interrupts himself to spit out a tooth. Now there’s even less of him to save;nevertheless, his body seems to be cooperating. His blood’s scabbing up, the color of root beer; his legs are allowing me to assist him down the sidewalk in a daze.

  “Larry, promise me you’ll never pull a stunt like this again. Do you know how many germs you could catch outside the hospital in your state?”

  “You know how many germs I could catch inside?”

  I’m trying to keep him on his feet, hobbling him toward the hospital. His blood, his Brylcreem, it’s all over me.

  “Larry, why do you keep fighting me every step of the way?”

  “All due respect, you’ve exceeded your authority, it’s my call, case closed. What do you care anyway? I’m not trying to cheat you out of a dime.”

  All the ancient paranoias bubbling forth from a bloody mouth, the Old World recriminations….

  “…your girlfriend Jade…your boyfriend that raghead…gooks and dinks…”

  I shake him, not lightly. “Larry, it’s time to show a little gratitude to everyone who’s put themselves on the line for you.”

  “I disagree.”

  “It’s not a matter of disagreeing, Larry.”

  “I disagree, that’s all,” he says. “I’m doing what you said in the microphone.”

  I stop.

  “What mike? When? At your bar mitzvah? I thought you didn’t remember what I said.”

  “You said fuck everyone there, they were just a bunch of hypocrites and goody-goodies, and you didn’t want anything to do with them. That’s what I’m saying, too. Fuck ’em all.”

  I blink at him, aghast. “You think this is junior high, Larry? You’re rebelling against the teachers? This is China with world-class surgeons!” I yell. “We’ve come halfway around the world and jumped in front of God knows how many people to get you a kidney, and you’re fucking up the whole thing!”

  “No offense, Dan, but you don’t know what it’s like being me, putting up with what I’ve had to put up with.”

  “Larry, better people than you and me are dying all around the world right now because they don’t have the money or the energy to find a kidney, and you dare say fuck ’em all? You know what you are, Larry—you’re an ingrate!”

  “Fuck everyone, Dan. I’m just repeating your words.”

  “Larry!” I cry, disgusted. “I was fifteen years old, for God’s sake! I grew up! The rest of the world is not the enemy! Yes, life dealt you a bad hand! Get over it! You’re being given a second chance here!”

  “Easy for you to say, Dan. You had all the privileges.”

  “You’re right!” I say. “I did have all the privileges. That’s part of the reason I came here with you, to even the score a bit. But you know what? It was a mis take.”

  We’re at the hospital, and I push away the doorman who wants to give me a hand. Mary’s trailing us weeping hysterically, flailing her arms and shaking more raindrops.

  “Keep fighting everyone,” I say to Larry. “Keep your precious feud with Bur ton. I don’t care anymore. Mary, get a wheelchair for him or don’t, I’m done with this fool’s errand. It’s a lost cause and has been from the beginning.”

  I leave Mary and Larry in the lobby and split.

  Whoa, serious daydream. I must be in major need of escape….

  What actually happens is nothing so dramatic. Nor does it need to be dramatic to set me off by this point. All it would take by now is for Larry to look at me sideways and I’d be ready to bail. Larry falls on the street again, that’s all: I get a call in my gym from Mary and agree to meet her at the hospital while he gets cleaned up. But it’s the last straw for me. Abu drives me back in the oppressive brightness—the storm seems to have avoided us—and in a few minutes I’m in the Family Crush Room off the lobby, on the phone with the airlines to schedule my flight home. I’m disgusted with myself as much as with Larry, for my obscene sense of entitlement—that I can just arrive here with nothing and expect a whole country full of people to stop what they’re doing and fetch me a kidney. What a spoiled American. Talk about a sense of privilege. Give me a kidney, world! And to think a kidney would fix him in the first place. Larry’s a mess. The truth is, there’s very little left of him to save. Not enough for me to bother. I’m washing my hands of the whole thing.

  I’m on hold when Mary finds me. My first impulse is to hit her.

  “And you!” I say. “Great help you’ve been. Why didn’t you stop him from leaving the hospital?”

  “Dan, I cannot do! He big boy, do what he want.”

  I’m ranting. “Mary, he’s not worth it! Why would you even want him for a husband?”

  And then, it’s the last thing I expect, but Mary is angry, too—every bit as much as I am.

  “What you!” she yells, rounding on me. “You do this for nice China adventure. You tell friends you big hero, you save cousin’s life, but you telephony.”

  “Oh, I telephony now,” I snicker. I’m bullying he
r with my language, trying to intimidate her into shutting up. “What’re you trying to say—that I’m a phony? Yeah, that hurts, coming from the person who steals medical gauze from the hospital—”

  “It poor where I come from, you no understand—”

  “Who lies about working in some godforsaken school—”

  “I do working in school—mechanical draw! Good job, no computer skill but T square, hold head up high—”

  “Yeah, then why didn’t you tell us the truth?”

  “Because you will laugh like always laughing at Larry, big joke, ha ha, even sick, even mix up. But you send spy on me, call supervisor and get me in trouble—”

  “Oh, like you didn’t deserve it, poor you who makes secret telephone calls to another man. Yes, hello,” I say to the airline, off hold at last. “I’d like to make a reservation, Beijing to New York, if you have a seat for tomorrow—”

  Mary lurches forward suddenly and smacks the cell phone out of my hands. It hits the floor hard and shatters against the tiles.

  “That my son I telephone call!” she screams. “He lose job, very frighten, you not know because you safe American. But it hard to live for people! Not everyone fly around world, say give me this, give me that! That my son I telephone call!”

  When did she learn to speak this well? Despite myself, I’m impressed with her vocabulary. She really has picked up a lot of language the past few weeks, studying her manuals.

  But she’s not finished with me, coming up so close that I’m almost physically threatened for a second. “Why you no give kidney?”

  “What?”

  “Why you no give kidney to Larry?”

  Suddenly I feel ridiculous, holding my hand out like I was still gripping the phone. I kneel to pick up the casing, stand unsteadily. “It’s doubtful our DNA—”

  “See you phony? You not even take test to try.”

  She’s right. I’ve never really considered offering my own.

  “You take big trip, go everywhere outside, but never go inside, never go here.”