The Mixtape

by Cherry, Brittainy

  When my girl was sweet, she was the sweetest. “You look like a princess, too, sweetheart.”

  Kelly poured two glasses of wine, and one of sparkling grape juice, and handed them out to both Reese and me. Then she held her glass in the air. “A toast to Emery Rose Taylor. The best mother and friend that a person could ever have. We’re better with you, Emery. And nothing is ever going to keep us apart.”

  Reese hadn’t a clue how important and meaningful my friend’s words were to me, but I needed to hear them. To hear that my life as Reese’s mother wasn’t going to come to a standstill. I’d been overthinking it all. How would I explain to her the truth about what had happened? How I wasn’t her biological mother? How her real mother had abandoned her?

  I couldn’t answer those questions at that time, so I went ahead and pushed them to the back of my mind the best I could.

  We finished our drinks—well, after another glass of wine each—and we headed downstairs to the Uber that Kelly had called for us. I still had no idea where we were going, but she wouldn’t give me any clues at all. “Just enjoy the ride,” she said, smirking.

  When we pulled up in front of an arena with a massively long line wrapped around the building, I cocked an eyebrow. “What in the world . . . ?” I muttered, climbing out of the car.

  Then, when I looked up at the sign flashing on the building, my heart stopped beating.

  LIVE TONIGHT OLIVER SMITH’S RETURN TO THE STAGE.

  Oliver’s return to the stage? Oliver was performing tonight? How hadn’t I known this? How hadn’t I been aware of him getting to the point of where he’d perform again? Would he be able to perform? Or would he relapse and spiral again, like he had all those months ago when I first met him at Seven? Was he okay? Was he nervous? Why were we here?

  “Kelly,” I started, but she linked her arm with mine and cut me off.

  “Come on. We’d better get backstage before the show starts,” she said, giving her other free hand to Reese to hold.

  “Backstage?”

  “Yes. For the meet and greet.”

  “Meet and greet?”

  “Geez, Emery, are you going to echo everything I say? Less yappin’, more trackin’,” she said, yanking me along. With ease, Kelly flashed a few passes to a few security people, and before I knew it, we were backstage at the arena, standing beside Oliver’s dressing room.

  My stomach was in knots, and I felt as if I were going to pass out any second. Kelly still hadn’t explained herself, and honestly, now that we were standing in front of Oliver’s door, I didn’t even need an explanation.

  I just needed him.

  Kelly knocked on the door, and before anyone answered, Reese took the doorknob in her hand, turned it, and pushed it opened. “Mr. Mith? Are you in here?” she called out.

  The moment the door was fully opened, we saw Oliver standing there, fussing with his microphone pack in his back pocket. He dropped his hands quickly, and his eyes lit up the moment he saw Reese. She turned into the brightest light when she saw him too. “Mr. Mith!” she hollered, dashing in his direction, and he was there to catch her in his embrace with arms wide open.

  “Kid!” he exclaimed, spinning her around.

  She snuggled closer to him and held on tight. “I missed you, Mr. Mith.”

  “I missed you, too, kid.”

  “Mama missed you too. She’d been crying a lot since you left.” She moved her mouth toward his ear and whispered—but a loud whisper because my daughter didn’t know how to lower her voice. “But she pretended she had allergies.”

  Oliver moved his stare from my daughter over to me.

  It happened.

  I looked at him.

  He looked at me.

  And still, he controlled my heartbeats.

  His sweet yet somehow sinful lips turned up into a smirk that made my thighs tremble.

  “Hi there,” he said as my heartbeats drummed away in an erratic pattern.

  “Hi there,” I replied.

  He placed Reese down on the ground, and before I knew it, his arms were around me. Within seconds, I was melting into him, because I didn’t know how to do anything but. He felt so warm against me, he felt like the missing piece to my small family puzzle, and I knew he fit perfectly as Reese wrapped her arms around our legs.

  We were the perfect trio, and all I wanted to do was love the two of them for the rest of time.

  “I missed you so fucking much it hurt,” he said, holding me close.

  “That’s a quarter in the swear jar!” Reese remarked, making us both laugh. “Hey, Mr. Mith. Is it true that you’re performing tonight?”

  “It is. At least, I hope so. I’m going to be honest: I’m really nervous. I haven’t performed in a long time without my brother, and I’m not sure how it’s going to go.”

  “Well, can’t he just watch you from heaven?” she said. Her question seemed so matter of fact, and it made everyone in the room tear up. “So don’t worry, he’s still here. Come here.” She pulled on his pants and made him come to eye level with her. She then placed her hands against his shoulders and gave him a stern look. “Mr. Mith, you can do anything because you’re my best friend, and that means you can do anything.”

  My little girl was giving him a pep talk, and my heart just about exploded from hearing it.

  My love for her was like a wild garden. It blossomed more every single day.

  Oliver’s eyes glassed over, and he bent down and kissed her on the forehead. “Thanks, Reese.”

  “Welcome.”

  Kelly cleared her throat. “Okay, well, how about I get Reese some snacks and we make our way to our seats so Emery and Oliver have a second to talk before the show.”

  The two headed out of the room, leaving me standing there, still stunned and confused about what was happening exactly. But also, happy. I couldn’t deny the happiness that was running through my veins.

  The moment the door closed behind Kelly and Reese, Oliver’s lips were pressed against mine, and I fell into my safe place. His tongue swept against mine, and I bit his bottom lip lightly as he moaned into me. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he said. “I was nervous Kelly wasn’t going to be able to get you here.”

  I pulled away a little, still baffled. “You’re really performing tonight?”

  “Yes. I think it’s time. I’ve been working on a lot of new stuff these past few weeks, and I feel like it’s time to get back out there.”

  “I’m proud of you, I just . . . are you sure you’re ready?”

  “No. Not at all. But I’m learning in life that you don’t have to be ready for every situation. You just have to be brave enough to try. So, I’m going to try tonight, and I think it will be better if I’m able to look out into the audience and see you sitting there looking back at me.”

  “I believe in you,” I told him, kissing him again.

  We kept kissing until it was time for him to go put on a show.

  So I made my way to the audience, to make sure I was there for him when he needed a boost of love to go his way. I didn’t know what any of this meant for us, because the situation with my parents and Reese was still a mess. I knew I couldn’t be with Oliver yet, but I also knew that I was going to go into that arena and be his biggest fan.

  The lights were already dimmed when I made it to my seat. Reese was standing on her chair as she and Kelly talked about their favorite songs from Alex & Oliver. When the light show began onstage, I could sense that the whole audience was feeling butterflies. There seemed to be a nervous energy about Oliver’s arrival. Many wondered aloud if he was going to be a no-show again. Many were skeptical that he was going to actually perform. But even with their doubts, they’d still shown up. Because their love for Oliver was still there, even with the letdowns.

  He made his way to the stand and stood there for a moment as the crowd went wild. Every time he opened his mouth to speak, the crowd cheered louder, shouting their love for him. I saw the moment it hit him too. When his eyes
glassed over and the emotions flooded in.

  Oliver cleared his throat as he adjusted the microphone in front of him. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to show up tonight after my last failed attempt of a show. Then, with how the last few months have gone with me in the tabloids, I considered staying hidden. But there was something bigger than my fear that made me want to come out of hiding. Something worth fighting for,” he said as his eyes looked toward me.

  Butterflies.

  A million butterflies.

  “We always believed in you, Oliver!” someone screamed.

  “We’ll always be here, Oliver! We love you!” someone else shouted from the crowd.

  “I love you too,” he apprehensively snickered. “I, um, to be honest I’ve been going through a very rough patch lately. As many of you know, I lost my best friend a few months back, and I didn’t handle it in the best way possible. But I was lucky enough to have a team who didn’t give up on me. I want you all to know that you are a part of that team. Thank you for showing up for me, even though I’m flawed.”

  He brushed his hand beneath his nose, and I could almost feel his nerves tingling through my system. “I went over and over how to start this show tonight. I thought about coming out here with insane energy and performing like a madman up here. I thought the bigger, the better, like my brother. My brother was a force on the stage. His energy was magical, but that wasn’t who I was, and that’s not who I am now. Truthfully, I’ve been feeling pretty small these past months. So, in the spirit of being authentic, I figured we’d start that way tonight, and build up. Is that okay with you, Los Angeles?”

  The City of Angels cheered him on.

  “Okay, so this is my brother’s guitar. I figured I should play it as a way of having him here onstage with me. But a sweet little girl reminded me that he’s always with me, even if I can’t see him. So, we are going back in time with the first song that Alex and I ever recorded together. If you’re an ancient fan, you know it. If you’re new, here’s a part of me. And I apologize ahead of time if I get lost in myself. I’m trying my best. This is ‘Heart Stamps.’”

  My hand flew to my chest as Reese and Kelly began jumping up and down as Oliver began to play the song that saved me during so many of my darkest days.

  As he began singing, his voice filled the arena like magic dust. The words rolled off his tongue as if they were a part of his soul, and he was sharing it all with us. Everything was going fine, until he looked out into the audience when he got to the chorus, and he stumbled over his emotions.

  “And I’ll keep your heart stamped,” he began, but the overwhelming feelings overtook him, and he stepped away from the microphone as tears began to roll down his cheeks. I wanted to rush up to hold him. I wanted him to feel my comfort, that he wasn’t alone in that very moment. But I quickly realized that he didn’t need my comfort in that very moment.

  He had ten thousand people surrounding him with love, singing the lyrics that his voice struggled to push out.

  I’ll keep your heart stamped

  Right against mine, every beat, every time

  I’ll keep your heart stamped

  Through the dark days you face, and the shadows you’ve chased

  Your heart stamps with mine.

  Your heart stamps on mine.

  Everything will be fine

  Because your heart beats in sync with mine.

  It was the most powerful moment I’d ever witnessed. Oliver stepped closer to the microphone, tears still falling, but I could tell they were now from the love that filled that arena. He began strumming the guitar again and singing as the chorus came back around.

  When love met pain, beauty could be created.

  My lips moved to the lyrics as a woman came toward the empty seat beside me. I was completely thrown off when her hand took mine in her hold. I snatched it away quickly before turning to see Sammie standing there beside me. Her eyes were washed with tears, and she gave me the most broken smile.

  I didn’t understand. I didn’t know why she was there, or how she knew where I was going to be. Yet the moment I looked up at the stage to find Oliver singing the chorus once more, I knew he’d had a hand in this.

  I turned to Sammie, and I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to tear her apart and snap for what she and our parents were putting me through with Reese.

  But “Heart Stamps” was our song.

  It was us for so very long, and Sammie looked so broken, so I did the only thing I could think to do. I took her hand in mine and held on tight.

  I felt her trembles intensify as I gripped her hand. She began falling apart as tears rolled down her cheeks. Her eyes shut, and I watched as her lips slightly mouthed the words of the song. Then, I sang along with her.

  Your heart stamps with mine.

  Your heart stamps on mine.

  Everything will be fine

  Because your heart beats in sync with mine.

  39

  EMERY

  After the concert, Oliver drove Sammie and me to his house so we could have the conversation that needed to happen. Kelly took Reese to her place for a sleepover, because I wanted to make sure she had no interactions with Sammie. Honestly I wasn’t sure if Sammie was still on our parents’ side.

  If anything, we had to have the heart-to-heart that we should’ve had years ago.

  “I’ll be in the studio if you need me,” Oliver said, kissing my cheek. “But take all the time you need.”

  He gave Sammie a broken smile as he walked out of the living room, leaving us to ourselves. The silence was heavy, and I hadn’t a clue where to even start with her, but I knew we had to start somewhere.

  “I—” we both said in unison.

  Uncomfortable laughter fell from both of us, and Sammie gestured toward me. “You go first.”

  I sat down on the couch, and she sat across from me. My mind was spinning wildly as I tried to control my thoughts. “Why did you leave?” I asked. “All those years ago, why did you leave?”

  She lowered her head. “I didn’t know how to stay. I was losing myself, Emery. I was in a dark place and didn’t see a way out of it. And when I looked at that baby, the thoughts I had were even darker. I left because I felt as if I was going to hurt her. I left because I didn’t know how to stay.”

  “You left her alone in an apartment, Sammie!” I argued, tossing my hand up in irritation. Every now and again, I’d think back on that day, on the screaming child, and my heart would break all over again.

  “I know! I know! Okay. If you’re just going to yell at me, I can just go—”

  She began to stand, and I reached across to her and grabbed her arm.

  “No,” I said sternly. “You have to stop running, and I’m guessing you came because you’re tired of that.”

  “I don’t need to be yelled at and hear how you hate me.”

  “Me yelling isn’t because I hate you, Sammie. It’s because I love you, and you hurt me! You hurt me to my core. And then, finding out that you’ve been seeing our parents and not me broke me even more. And now the idea that they are pushing to have custody of Reese is insane. You have to know this. Don’t you remember what it was like for us growing up? Why would you even want that for her? They are toxic, Sammie.”

  “Mama said she could do better this time . . . better than she did with us,” she whispered, shaking her head. “And she said she’d let me back into their family completely, not just once every now and again. That’s all I want, Emery. I just want things to go back to how they used to be.”

  “Nothing is ever going to go back to what it used to be. That’s impossible, and truthfully, you shouldn’t want it to be the way it used to. Our parents controlled us and belittled us, Sammie, making it hard for us to trust anyone or anything.”

  Her lips parted and her trembles returned. I hated how nervous and fragile she seemed all the time. Even though I was upset with her, it still broke my heart to see her so damaged.

  “I j
ust want them to love me.”

  “You should never have to beg for anyone to love you. You should never have to do as they say for them to deem you worthy of their love. That’s not how love works.”

  “I don’t know how it works,” she confessed. “I’ve never known how it works.”

  “Yes, you do. You loved me, and I loved you unconditionally for all of our lives, Sammie. That’s what love is. It holds no chains attached to it. But Mama and Dad’s love doesn’t work that way. It holds you down and suffocates you. You can’t really want that for Reese. Or for yourself.”

  She stayed quiet for a few moments before sniffling. “Oliver talked about getting me into a clinic down in Texas that deals with women’s mental health. It’s in the town that he’s from. Said he would cover all the costs.”

  That sounded like the man I loved. “Are you considering it?”

  She nodded. “I’m supposed to go out there next week, but there’s something I have to do first, and I need you to do it with me, if you can?”

  “Anything.”

  “I need you to confront them with me, Mama and Dad. I need you there with me.”

  I was a bit wary about the idea, because I knew how our parents could corner Sammie and make her shift her thoughts. Yes, in that moment she seemed strong and sure, but I knew how my sister’s mind worked. It flipped back and forth between hope and despair. I never really knew who I was going to get, but still . . .

  “I’ll be there for you, no doubt about it.”

  She hugged me, and I held her so tight.

  “I’d visit you and Reese sometimes,” she confessed, wiping her tears away. “I’d come to your neighborhood throughout the years and see you with her. I’d see how happy you both got over time, and it was clear to me that she was never mine, not really. That’s your daughter, Emery. And I’m so sorry for all the hurt I caused you. I’ll do everything it takes to keep her with you. I promise.”

  Hearing her say that Reese was mine meant more to me than she’d ever know.

  We still had a lot more to talk about, a lot more baggage to unpack, but I knew we’d done enough that evening.

  Oliver set up a guest room for Sammie to stay in, and when it came time for me to go to bed with him, I thanked him a million times for getting Sammie to come around and not only drop the conversation with my parents, but to also get my sister the help she needed.