All We Know Is Falling: Fall With Me: Volume One

by Nicole Thorn

  The girl stood in front of the class as nearly whispered her whole report. Some kind of ripple must have gone through the school, altering the balance that once was. Kenna was the same all except for her over all demeanor. She looked almost smaller now that her confidence was gone.

  I shouldn’t love it, but I did.

  The bell rang and Mr. Dixon nearly cried with happiness. The students rushed out like it was already the end of the day. Fridays tended to be a little hectic. Hale and I waited ‘til the room was clear before we left. No need to get trampled.

  Our table was empty when we sat down for lunch. And after a few minutes we decided that Dottie definitely wasn’t showing up today. Neither of us had classes with her so we didn’t know if she just chose to ditch lunch. I doubted she would. She had an unhealthy obsession with Hale and his brother.

  “Hmm,” I said as I chewed on my cookie. “Oddly comfortable without Dottie here.”

  He looked at me like he was half amused. “She’s a nice girl, Rory.”

  “Sorry if I don’t like being around a girl whose mom I got killed. It tends to make me feel a little guilty.”

  “You didn’t get her killed. A drunk driver did. Dottie knows that and she doesn’t blame you.”

  “Oh, did she tell you that when you guys were all chummy.”

  He smiled and I saw a hint of male pride on his face. “Ah, so there it is.”

  “What?” I said as annoyance rose in my voice.

  “You’re jealous of her. You didn’t like us spending time together.”

  I nearly slapped the look off of his face. “Of course I was jealous. Why shouldn’t I have been? You decided to go ahead and force me to like you then you started hanging out with another girl. I hated seeing you with her.”

  His joy left his face. “I’m sorry I did that. If it makes you feel better, I only started spending time with her to distract myself from you. And it never did a thing. The whole time I would talk to her at lunch, all I was thinking about was how close you were and how I no longer had the right to speak with you.”

  “It wasn’t so great on my side either,” I broke eye contact. “It was pretty miserable being all alone again. I didn’t figure out how much I liked not being alone until it wasn’t a choice anymore.”

  “I won’t be leaving you again. So you don’t need to worry about that anymore.”

  I didn’t let my mind go where it wanted to. The automatic doubt that I had when it came to him sticking around. One day, when he really moved on from me, he’d find a new girl. He’s too loving and sweet to be alone for the rest of his life. That girl would do for him what I can’t. She’d have kids, grow old with him. And I’d still be what I am today.

  It’s unnatural, the life of an antichrist. Nothing about us is right. Frozen. Evil. We just didn’t fit into this world.

  I didn’t fit with Hale.

  Gym rolled around and we had our free day to look forward to. Hale and I tried to get away with just sitting out but Jenna wasn’t having it today.

  “Get up,” she ordered us. “Go and get some exercise. Be people. It’s good for you.”

  I stood up despite my reservations. “So are carrots but I still prefer chocolate.”

  Hale laughed. “I know that first hand.”

  I shoved him lightly.

  “Look,” Jenna sighed. “Just do something other than sitting around. This is my job, kids.”

  I threw my head back in annoyance. “But I hate exercise.”

  “Cleary,” she griped. “Go and get some fresh air. Run, jump. I don’t care as long as I have plausible deniability to your laziness.”

  Hale and I headed for the double doors at the end of the gym. Jenna propped them open so she could keep an eye on the kids playing inside and outside.

  “What do you want to do?” Hale asked when our feet hit the grass.

  “I want to go home and watch a Golden Girls marathon. Maybe have some ice cream and or cookies.”

  “Normal seventeen year olds don’t watch the Golden Girls.”

  “Then normal girls suck.”

  We walked over to the middle of the field and I sat down. Jenna couldn’t see us from here and I doubted that she would walk all the way out here to yell at us again. Hale sat beside me and pulled me onto his lap. His arms went around my waist and he put his chin on my shoulder.

  “People can see us, ya know,” I moved my head so I could try and look at him.

  “Good. I want them all to know that you’re claimed.”

  “That’s romantic,” I said sarcastically. “And not fair.”

  “How is it not fair?”

  “Maybe because you won’t make it real. You can’t have a claim on me and not take that last step, Hale.”

  His arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry. I just meant that—”

  “I know what you meant. But we shouldn’t be so…affectionate with each other. It’s meant for people that are more to each other than we are.”

  “You’re everything to me,” he said it like it was obvious.

  The fact was that it wasn’t true. If it were then we’d be together right now. We wouldn’t still both be holding back. Even knowing that I should move, I couldn’t make myself. I think I knew why Hale did what he did. The desire was still there. But it wasn’t enough to push past all of the worries.

  I wanted to talk to him about it more. To remind him that this would only make it harder on us later. Once he was ready to start dating—or when he wanted to go back to his old habits with girls—we’d still have this link between us. It was only getting stronger.

  Hale moved me so I was still on him, but sitting sideways. “What are you thinking that had that look on your face?”

  “I think if I tell you, you’ll get upset.”

  “Doubtful. But I’d still like to know.”

  It took me a few seconds to work up the nerve to say it. “Don’t you miss it?”

  His eyebrows briefly knit together. “Miss what?”

  “The girls. The…activities that you used to partake in.”

  “Oh,” he looked down before he looked back up. “Why are you worried about that?”

  “Of course I’m worried. I know the day is coming where you’ll want to—if you’re not—” I couldn’t find the right words to say what I needed to say. “I know that guys are different like that. I was just thinking about when you might start being with girls again.”

  He shook his head and smiled. “You don’t seem to understand. Maybe I should have explained it to you better.” He fidgeted with my locket as he spoke, opening and closing it. “You’re the only one I see. It’s never been like this before and I don’t think it can happen again. I used sex as a distraction, like everything else I did. But you do more for me than any other thing I’ve used. So I can go without that.”

  I almost laughed. “You think that you can handle never having sex again?”

  His eyes flashed for a split second as he realized what he signed himself up for. “Yes. You’re the only girl I’ll ever want. I can go my whole life without it.”

  I started messing with the fabric of his sleeve so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “What if I didn’t want you to have to go without?”

  There were several quiet seconds. “What are you saying?”

  “Well, if you need it…I’m here for you. I want you to be happy.”

  He tilted my chin up with his hand. “Rory, you don’t need to have sex with me to keep me around. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But this is because of me. I don’t want you do have to go without anything. There are too many things you’re already giving up.”

  He smiled. “I’m getting so much more than I’m giving up. It’s nothing to me. It doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters to me.” I put my arms around his neck. “Maybe after school we can go back to my house. You can spend the night after. If you want to…you can go home after if you want to. Just… just whatever you want to do.”


  He looked at me with disbelief. “So not only do you expect me to use you to get off, but you think if I did I’d leave after? What do you think of me?”

  “I want to make you happy. And I don’t know what you would want to do. I’ve never done it. I don’t know what people do after.”

  His features softened. “If ever I was to be with you in that way, I would never leave like that. I’d stay with you until you forced me out of your bed.”

  “I wouldn’t do that,” I blushed. “I’d probably be clingier than you would.” By far.

  “Not possible.”

  I moved closer to him. “Only one way to find out.” I put my hand on his face to turn it to mine.

  Just before my lips could touch his, he turned his head away. His hand pulled mine from his face. “Don’t do that. Don’t do things just to keep me…satisfied. I won’t mean anything if you do that.”

  “I don’t touch you like that because I’m trying to keep you satisfied. It’s because I want to be doing it. I’ve never touched you just for you. And I’m not offering to you what I’m offering just so you can get off. I’m doing it because,” I paused, as I suddenly didn’t feel as brave. “Because I want that from you. Don’t you still want that from me?”

  “You know I do. But I can’t just take what I want. What I want more than you, is your well-being. I need to do right by you. This is one of those ways.”

  “I remember the first time you told me you wanted me to love you,” I smiled despite the cold feeling I had in my gut. “I didn’t know why. And I was so sure that I wouldn’t love you.”

  “Rory,” he said, making my name sound like a plea.

  “But things aren’t like they were then. I figured out that I was wrong about a lot of things.”

  “Please don’t…”

  I kept going. “What happens if I told you that you got what you wanted? Does it change anything?”

  He looked at me like I broke his heart. “I can’t let it change anything. If you were to say it. I’m not going to destroy everything you are so that I can be happy.”

  “Even if you’re taking my happiness away too?”

  He pressed his forehead to my chest. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m sorry it’s hurting you but I’m not going to bring you down with what I am.”

  I remember when I was afraid of doing the same thing to him. That fear wasn’t gone, but I knew now that it wasn’t my choice to make for him. Like this wasn’t his choice to make for me.

  I wanted to lighten the mood. “So…you’re not coming over after school?”

  He tried not to grin but he failed. “I can. But not for what you’re trying to get out of me.”

  “You make me sound like a deviant.”

  His eyes went to my legs and his hand drifted up my thigh. Once his fingers disappeared under my shorts, he started tickling my leg. “We both know who the deviant here is. Clearly I’m rubbing off on you.”

  He could be. He’s made me a different person since meeting him. I was braver. Stronger. Happier. He did the opposite of what he thought he would do to me. “I think you are.”

  

  “I just think it’s ridiculous. I watched that damn show for more than half my life and it just ended like it didn’t matter. That whore shouldn’t have gotten the blue French horn back.”

  Hale shut his truck off when we got to my house. “I wish I understood what you were saying. The best I can do is just nod my head and agree with you.”

  I opened my door. “Good. That’s all I need from you. Nothing can undo the damage CBS did to me.”

  He put his arm around my shoulders as we walked up to my door.

  “And those kids were waaaay too cool with it,” I added. “They just heard about their dad screwing every woman in New York and they were just like ‘yeah why don’t you go give it to the woman you refer to as our aunt’. How fucked up is that?”

  “Very fucked up,” he nodded.

  “Thank—” I stopped when I noticed the door was open. Wide open. I saw Hadley running around the living room as we walked inside.

  “What the Hell is going on?” I asked, making her pause.

  Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks tearstained. “He’s gone,” she sobbed. “I looked everywhere.”

  “Who?” Hale looked around the living room.

  “Brom Cat. I came h-home,” she hiccupped, “and there was blood and f-fur on the tile. The door was open and, and I looked everywhere. I called his name and shook h-his food bag but he’s gone.”

  I ran up to her and held her as tightly as I could. “We’ll find him. I promise. He’ll be okay.” She sobbed as I spoke.

  “What I-if he’s dead!?”

  “He’s not dead,” I told her. “Where’s the blood?”

  She broke away from me and led me to the kitchen. On the tile by the counter there was a little spot of blood, maybe the size of a baseball. It was smeared across the floor like Brom Bones’ fur was dragged through it. A huge clump of fur was stuck to it.

  Hadley broke down again and Hale caught her before she could fall. He tried soothing her as best he could but the girl was inconsolable.

  “Where’s Mom?” I asked, finally noticing she wasn’t here.

  “She-she’s at the store. I called but she didn’t answer,” my sister told me. “I don’t know when she left or when, when she’s getting home. I need her,” she covered her mouth for another sob.

  Hale patted her back. “Rory and I will go and look for Brom. You should stay here and wait for your mother to get home. Brom might come home too.”

  She cried and spoke incoherently as she hugged him. I think she was saying thank you.

  Hale sat her on the couch and then we walked out the door.

  He looked at me while we walked down the driveway. “Do you think he’s alright?”

  “You don’t want to know what I think.”

  “Try me.”

  I stopped walking and then he did. We faced each other on the pavement. “The door was open. There was blood. Hale, I think it’s who ever is after me.”

  “Rory, why would they take your cat?”

  “Why would they drug you?”

  He shrugged. “Maybe they didn’t. It could have been any one of the students who hate me for what they read in that file. You think that someone there wouldn’t try and fuck with me like that?”

  “I think it would be very coincidental if just when this was going down some kid decided to shoot you up with something.”

  “Just because it’s a coincidence doesn’t mean it can’t happen.”

  “But it’s unlikely.”

  “Not impossible.”

  I rolled my eyes at his denial and started walking again. I heard him behind me but I didn’t talk more.

  He didn’t understand what was happening. Not that I understood much more, but I had a better grasp on the evil and hate in the world. He should, considering his past. Even with that, he still didn’t spend most of his life seeing everyone’s evil in his head. He didn’t know just how bad it could get.

  We wandered up and down the street a dozen or so times calling out the cat’s name. There was no sign of him.

  The cat wouldn’t have just walked out the door on his own. He had to have been taken. Hadley’s opened the door with him near it and he runs for cover. The outdoors scares him.

  My first thought was that whoever took him—if he was still alive—had him somewhere. If my theory on who did it was right, then they took him to upset me. I was afraid that they’d return him to me in pieces.

  Hadley would never recover.

  The sun had long since set and we were still in search of Brom Bones. I was quickly losing hope of ever finding him. But I couldn’t go home empty handed. It would kill Hadley.

  “BROM BONES!” I shouted. I made cat sound to lure him out. Normally it can get him to bolt from the other side of the house over to who was calling him.

  Hale and I wandered so far past
my house that it took me a second to realize where we were. We’d managed to get all the way over to the water tower about a mile or so from my house. The street lights were dim, if working at all. Being where we were left me feeling uncomfortable.

  “When do we call it a night?” Hale stopped moving and looked around the area.

  I waved my hands in exhaustion. “I have no clue. But I don’t know how to tell Hadley we didn’t find him. She loves that cat more than she loves even me.”

  He put his hands on his hips and stared at the ground. “Maybe he’s closer to home. We should double back.”

  “Not yet. We should keep going. Just for a little while,” I decided. “We can—” I stopped talking when my phone rang. I pulled it out of my shorts pocket and looked at the caller ID. “Hadley,” I told Hale.

  I answered it cautiously. Hadley was screaming when I hit the answer button. “HE’S BACK!” she shouted. “HE JUST SHOWED UP!”

  I breathed a sigh of pure relief. “How?”

  “I heard him meowing at the door. He was covered in blood. But he’s not hurt. You can come home now. Thanks for helping.”

  “No problem. See you soon,” I hung up and slipped the phone in my pocket.

  Hale was waiting expectantly for an explanation. “Well?”

  “He came home. So we can leave n—”

  A loud boom sound cut through the air and the both of us looked around franticly to find the source. It didn’t sound far but I couldn’t be sure. Maybe within fifty feet.

  “That was a gunshot,” Hale said with confidence that worried me. I didn’t even want to know why he was so sure of himself.

  I focused my hearing to try and find where the sound came from but all I heard was wind and crickets. I couldn’t even tell where the bullet might have landed. Both of us were clear. I just wish that was enough to calm me down.

  My heart started pounding as my head turned with the possibilities of why someone would be shooting a gun around here. This wasn’t a hunting area. We were only a few hundred feet from the residential district.

  “Hale,” I said, looking around. “We need to get out of—”